Hi sushis. I hope it's okay that I post this, because I really like you guys and I mostly lurk around because I'm too braindead and mentally ill to post and not obsess over it. But anyways, I'm doing really terribly. I've dug myself into an awful pit and all I can do right now is bawl my eyes out and scratch myself, curl up into a ball, etc. because someone I became dependent on, and the only person that I can connect to, hasn't spoken to me in 2 weeks and I can only think of the worst case scenario.
I've been accusing them of awful things and starting to feel detached more and more and the only thing I can do is distract myself. Unfortunately my distractions have run out and now all I can do is call them constantly and spam them, to no avail. I'm so paranoid because almost each and every relationship I've had in the past has turned into a mess and often I get cheated on and hurt and it makes me want to die. I'm so afraid of it happening again, it feels like I'm always drawn towards people that want to hurt me. I don't know if this person does, but I'm so afraid they do. I'm so obsessive that I begin to look up their name in places and… fuck, I don't know. I'm so afraid. It's all going to happen again.
My life is complete garbage and it's all my fault. I have locked myself in my room and constantly get myself hurt because all I wanted to do was try to find a single person to depend on, some kind of fantasy. I want to leave the world with this person. I even think of suicide pacts often as stupid as that sounds, I feel like it would be much easier to do with a close friend than on your own.
I don't know if I've said all that I should have here and I feel really scatterbrained… I hope it makes sense. I'm really pathetic. I want to vomit.https://youtu.be/FCpuJTB3jRw