I'll be honest sushi roll, I'm feeling a similar way right now. I lost someone really close to me recently, and the only thing I've really grasped from it looking back is that I don't really enjoy living much. It's not that I don't have good moments here and there, but I can't shake the general feeling constantly with me that I've irreversibly messed up somewhere down the road.
But, don't let that be all she wrote so to speak. For better or worse we all have to find reasons to keep waking up and saying "I want to do this." Even if it's just to get to the weekend, and have a moment of peace and quiet. Even just accepting that you're flawed and to keep trying is something to be proud of fellow sushi rolls.