/hell/ - internet death cult

I hate myself and my malfunctioning brain
I'm just a freak

I have to give in all the time and I guess it's okay I shouldn't complain but sometimes it's tiring and I have nobody to talk to. Even if I did, though, it would be no use, I probably wouldn't want to say it out loud anyway because it's all dumb shit and I just need to suck it up.
I wish I was normal.

I don't really like venting because it tends to become a habit in me but right now I kind of have to because I can't take this off my head.
In the mornings all I want is to drink tea and READ and STUDY but now I can't and it's fucking eating me. Worst part is, I have the tea, I have the morning, but I can't fucking do what I would really like to do, I have nothing to do! I guess I should go and do something else, do some gardening, that should be good. But honestly the ONE thing that I really like has been taken away from me and I don't know how I'll be able to endure this.
I need to find something, idk, a job? fuck this shit.
Worst part is I don't want to end up blaming the people I love or becoming an angry, bitter person because of this. I have no idea what to do! I guess I'm just going through a bit of an abstinence phase, we are creatures of habit and the force of habit is gnawing at me, I need some time to forget about this. I keep remembering the books that I was reading just a few days ago and I feel bothered that I couldn't get to continue with that. But it is futile, and it was futile even then, as I could hardly get a moment to read lol.
I am also aware that given how obsessive I am it was causing me to not pay attention because that is all that I wanted to do all the time. I guess as the day goes by I will have other stuff to do and then I'll be able to forget this but the mornings are the worst moment for me right now.
I was considering trying to find a quiet moment when I can do this without any distractions but the morning has always been my favorite time to do this. On the other hand if I were to, say, devote the nightly hours to reading, well, I wouldn't get enough sleep for one thing, and I would again be distracted all day thinking about the time for reading, which would probably keep me from paying attention the way it always does.
I need to change my image of myself and who I am, what I need is a complete overturn of myself.

My grandma died in December, she had breast cancer. Probably one of my favorite people, yet I didn't feel anything when I heard the news. I wish I had any compassion in me, but I am completely self-absorbed.

I'm addicted to sadness. It's so comforting to let go and drop into the depths of despair. However every time I do, I find myself in a worse position than before. Living in limbo until old age takes away the last option, blinded by the golden light of memories, what a pathetic existence!

>>5035
you are a very smart sushi

>>5035
>and an indicator for a serious mental condition
At which point it's already too late because the kid is here now and you've just discovered you're mentally ill. Of course it gets worse, because at first you just think "maybe I'm just tired from all the hard work and smelly diapers, and things'll change".
Probably a good idea to get your brain checked before having kids.

I swear watching anime has given me this weird impulse to be a father and have a cute daughter I can dote on. Funnily enough a wife or partner (her mother) never features in these fantasies. I'm a hikineet with no job prospects so I doubt it will ever happen. I don't think I'd ever be a good father. I'm too cold and stoic and irresponsible.

>>5058
What kind of professional would you even go to for a brain check like that?
>>5068
Be a cool uncle then!

Used to, but now I'll just fend to my own devices and call it a day.

人はだれですか
この人の名前は？

>>5062
いえいえ殺人鬼じゃないと思うよほらしっかり目に見ててそれ殺人鬼の目じゃないよね殺人鬼のめは気まず過ぎてこいつの目フツウみたいよね確か激おこ顔をしてるのに大体激おこの時必ず殺す気になるって事ないよねきっとほらより優しく扱ってみたら？

i wanna poke that belly.

MATCHA IS PERFECT

I DONT ENJOY MATCHA MYSELF BUT PEOPLE SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO ENJOY THEIR GRASS

MM..GRASS

CAN COW GIRLS DRINK MATCHA

OK I WILL

>>5048
:o

y-you too

UwU

Uwa! >w<

Strange, I'm not sure where you got that idea from…

I'm pretty sure it would work better if it was made out of Tungsten but shows what I know.

Is anyone stopping you besides yourself?

>>5022
The painful memories of all the times it happened.

>>5036
I'm not the best person to ask because I'm pretty much the best at everything(poetic irony) but any such memories I just develop a righteous indignation at everything that happened outside my actions and then harbor a deep hope in humanity and circumstance that it won't happen again, then I trust the science that a lightning never hits the same place twice (except in those rare times it does).

Did that help? If not please accept this pic of sexy detective lady.

Habit. You're not used to acting the way you want. If you want to act a certain way, you have to consciously remind yourself before you act, so you can reinforce that behavior.

>>5040
That's a good advice, thanks. I guess as with anything first notice the pattern, then work on changing it.