No.5085
Things don't really get better quantitatively. Just a little less worse.
No.5092
It is important to embrace aloneness.
In aloneness one finds what is lacking in them.
In aloneness one also finds what they can draw from themselves.
In longing for a simple trailing hand along my shoulders, slim arms wrapped around my waist, a head upon my chest, murmuring sweetly, and softly to me, I find that I identify not a need but a lack, a want not only in the sense of a desire, but in what is wanting in me. And I find pain. But is this touch which simmers, which tells me "i love you" or "I want you" something that I need for what I am, for what I am meant to be? A name is that which is intimately connected to the meaning of a being, the purpose, the logos to the telos. And if my name, my little logos, is to be become an immortal name, the essential and eternal expression of itself in the cosmic order, is this beloved, this other necessary? Are the love of a father, strong and benevolent, of a mother, sweet, receiving and unconditional, of a lover, taking of yourself, accepting your love, and returning it of herself, of a friend, ever accepting, sharpening, drawing you further to your goal, or of any other love of another person necessary?
Is it necessary to make my name an eternal name, my self a divine self.
It is the central truth of the Christian religion, that God became man so that man could become god, and that indeed, men can become gods, serving the Maker of Heaven and Earth. This is what it means to have an immortal name. This is what glory is, to become a god, to become an expression of an eternal idea. And for so long, for so very long, I have longed not for this, but merely, to be human, to be loved by a beloved, to be accepted as a man among men, a human among humans. And the lesson of my aloneness is that this is not necessary for the eternal idea of what I was made to be. Beneficial? Yes. Good? Yes. Life-affirming, a blessing? All yes. But not necessary. Not the purpose.
I can be alone, unloved, unaccepted, untouched, and I am meant to be for a season, or perhaps for longer than a season.
No.5105
I used too care about everything a lot, but over time I got desensitized to both positive and negative emotions.
Staying up all night with the sinking feeling that comes with the understanding that you ate slowly withering away slowly turns you into a nihilist.
I still remember the night when I curled up in bed and prepared for my daily existential crisis, only to find that I felt nothing.
It honestly was a relief.
The exception to this is a constant tang of nostalgia and anemoia for simpler times.
No.5106
there's a nice sciencey youtuber that I watch sometimes but in her last video i started having lewd thoughts about her and I feel bad because I haven't been coomer brained like this in 5+ years and i always hated being coomer when i was in my teens and early 20s.
i always thought she was pretty but this is different, it's very primitive and lecherous. i hate it and i hate myself for falling back into this shit.
No.5115
I'm getting stressed while preparing for a competition a few months out… I don't know how I can improve to become better and I fear like there is not enough time. Everyone around me improves faster than I do, and I have been in the same place. Is it time to call it quits or keep pushing on? Who knows