/hell/ - internet death cult

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Been a few years, here's a couple new photos! A friend took them with some special distorting film during a visit.

>>3031
Oh how much you've grown

>>3031
k-kikiyama is that you?

>>3031
cute

Hello NSA
>>1264
What a qt
>>784
Buelbe ;_;

It felt good

Group poop
Poop soup
Poop in a loop
Snoopin on poopin
Woop there's the poop

im gonna do it

bouta poop, wish me luck

i am pooing

>>2034
Corona came and fucked everything up. I was improving, made a social circle, and then the lockdown came and my social skills atrophied. Lost many of the friends I made because they moved back to their countries and/or lost touch because of time or because I fucked things up. It's a slap in the face when I see stuff like people talking about mental illness and how suicide rates are up because of Covid, and I cannot tell anyone about my depression because I know it's counterproductive. People don't care; they treat you walking on eggshells at first and get tired of it and leave. Your best bet is to just hide your mental fuckededness

>>2034
I admitted betrayal to a girl I loved and haven't come up with a proper response after breaking her heart. I've already spent weeks writing drafts I never send and feeling remorse for what I did. Even before this I've done nothing but hurt her more and more with my behavior, making her feel smaller and emptier. She was guilty of loving me despite all my faults, lost in trying to please someone that could never appreciate it. I feel it'd be worse to reach out again after such a long period of silence. Anything that I'd write would be pointless, wouldn't it? What do I even say? It feels like any sort of interaction directed to her would feel scummy after this point. I want to see her happy, so if that means removing myself out of the picture I'll do so. Maybe that's just a convenient method of running away again…

After looking at my behavior in the past with other relationships I realize I might have borderline personality disorder. My depression, chronic emptiness, splitting, self-loathing, unstable emotions, poor memory and fears of abandonment started to make sense. It's predictable and has a name… but it's also going to be a long journey to suppress these symptoms. I've usually directed them inwards instead of acting out and lashing at others, at least not directly, but it still led to a lot of hurt. I wish I could apologize to each of the people I've strung along, they didn't deserve to be treated like that. I've lost so many friends it's hard to keep track. Every couple of years I'm a different person trying to blend in to feel some sense of self or belonging. Giving it a name doesn't change anything about my horrible actions or damage I've caused. It's hard not to agree that I'm just a disgusting person everyone should just stay away from. Especially with reputation that BPD has online. Knowing my best ability is doing harm to the people that care about me makes having lasting interpersonal relationships, outside of family, feel impossible. I'm just distracting myself with media until my online college semester starts and I can pretend I'm going anywhere at all. Maybe I'll actually start drawing again.

I don't know if it's okay for me to exist. I'm just a bullet meant to be dodged.

I lost the love of my life three years ago. Ever since then I've been living in a trance. I can't even talk about it. Nothing I do feels right. I don't want to live like this anymore.

>>3024
Reaching out is definitely the best option, at least in the long run. I've been on both ends of this, losing someone over the slow festering of regrets and unanswered questions is the worst feeling in the world. She'll be upset when you talk to her, but don't let that stop you because you would be doing something really kind. Explain that you're sorry for all the ways you hurt her (use specifics like how your behaviour made her feel small and empty to show you understand and that her feelings were legitimate), and explain that you think you have BPD (literally just copy your entire 2nd paragraph, it explains things perfectly and won't feel gratuitous as long as you do the stuff about her first) and you're getting help (which you should be, if you're not going to then don't say you are). Don't mention or hint at getting back together, that would make the whole thing seem insincere when it obviously is sincere (there are a lot of people who can do this sort of thing with absolutely no remorse at all). I was serious about getting help, you can become a better person.

>>3025
I'm sorry about that sushi roll. What happened?

I have a lot of dreams where people are trying to kill me. Most recently I was forced by violence to take a test I didn't understand with all sorts of weird questions on it, along with others. I got the feeling we would be hurt in form based off our answers to the test.

I tend to have pretty vivid dreams and always enjoy it. It's a nice break from the monotony of waking life.

Recently I had one that focused on this large structure seemingly built over a massive body of water, perhaps the ocean, though the water was shallow, only two or so feet deep. The structure was elevated several meters above the water; a large plane of marble, decorated with black and white checks like an old fashioned ballroom or something, supported by pillars that went down into the water. Think of a floor above the water held in place by the pillars. The pillars continued through the marble floor to the roof which was hundreds of feet overhead. There were no walls and one could see the water extend to the horizon on all sides. Every so often the floor would give way to these openings that led down into the water with stairs.

The structure was occupied by a small group of young children, between maybe 7 and 12 years old. For food they would send the oldest among them down the stairs to the water where they would fish. Though I never saw it in my dream, there was a suggestion of some force or being that would hunt these kids as they tried to fish at the water's surface, making it difficult for them to survive. The children spent their time trying to figure out what this thing was and how they could avoid it.

Nothing much happened in the dream. I just got a snapshot of this world and then woke up.

my dream world is a moonless place that blooms under a full moon and a sound that I can only hear at the back of my throat. the parade of my cultural learnedness is wrent quizzical in this contaminated virtually real rythmn hell's ladder. up the lower wrung I heave towards a heaven that hence has been had. I dream of how magical the flight of birds is.

last night I dreamed about a girl I hooked up with in the past and going on a trip with her only to wake up feeling extremely lonely. this is becoming a regular occurence where I dream about relationships/dates/general fun things with exes and old hookups

>>2634
I hate those dreams
I've never had a gf and it usually doesn't bother me except when I wake up from a dream about having a partner.

Anyone who follows these sort of subjects is the epitome of community toxic waste. I suggest you try to recover lost dignity and the love of your family by killing yourself.

>>2617
t. mary lee walsh

Nobody likes you. Your insistence in gossiping about a special needs case for years upon years betrays your cockroach nature. It isn't funny, it wasn't ever funny and it will never be funny. Your arrival to any community signals a turning point that requires little consideration to anyone who isn't a whore for empty activity nor wishes for a drawn-out self-destruction. You do not belong here. There's enough proof that you are nothing but dead weight. Purify your soul through suicide. It's the only way. Be an altruist for once in your pathetic unlife.

Stop it. I will eat both of you.

>>2619
t. wes iseli
the hedgehog boys are one of the most significant outsider art projects of modern times

Just a random rant…

I don't go back that far, I arrived in late 2009 / early 2010 and stuck to r9k the entire time. The culture on r9k at that time was fine, lots of nice people recommending me good movies and books to read, a lot of interesting threads from people around the world in different occupations and with unique interest. I heard about Wizards for the first time, not realising I would become one a few years later. It was really quite comfy back then for me, and I didn't mind the evolution of the board over time for the most part. If anything, my main problem was with tripfags who were always building cliques which would routinely disrupt normal threads by 2013 or so.

I've read a few threads from archives from earlier 4chan and it doesn't really appeal to me, though I guess I was never a weeaboo. I don't know, something about the way a lot of the threads were based around stories that were presented as if they were real, and plenty of people acted as if they were real, but were obviously fake - I can't stand that aspect, and that was present on r9k when I first got there. Things like 'The Tales of Fionn' just felt like a huge waste of time to me, though some people obviously got a lot out of it.

I just miss the sincere posting. Back in 2011-2013 I was struggling with a lot of depression, on my own without a job due to being bullied out of it, with social anxiety, etc - it was just really nice, it felt like some magical force had brought all these unique and genuine people together, and many of them were going through issues similar to my own, or even if they weren't similar - reading about other people's struggles helped give me perspective, and then there were still lots of fun, interesting threads and stories. It felt like I was getting to pry into all these hidden places, with sushi rolls claiming to work in interesting jobs or have lived through all sorts of unique experiences.

Then a lot of drama took place which I didn't mind at the time and made sense in the context, but by 2016 or so things felt very different, and things went rapidly downhill from there as far as i'm concerned, to the point that today its unrecognisable. It's just filled with irony soaked meme shit, it feels like a wasteland so I've managed to stop going there the past few years more or less. The worst thing is this feeling that all the genuine people have evaporated, I was probably already a little older than the averaPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

>>2374
Reading this honestly made me feel happy. Im glad you found your own inner peace.

I started browsing back in 2010. I sometimes miss the culture but when I look back in the archives and stuff I don't really know what I'm actually missing. Maybe it's the nostalgia of the dumb edgy humor and being a teenager. But anyway, post GG/2016 chan culture is mostly just pol stuff, and I'm glad I grew out of being a racist teenager and liking that stuff. It feels a lot more freeing now to not just constantly look at negativity on 4chan/8chan anymore and instead to come to places like this.

>>2374
>I feel loss, but then I wonder what exactly I lost.
I have similar feelings. As addicted to it as I was at the time, I can't honestly say it was a good thing to be a part of.

I went on 4chan for around roughly 2004 to 2010, so I got to see the "golden age". And as fun as it was at the time, I'm certain that it fucked me up. Looking back, so much of the internet, not just communities like 4chan but also the internet personalities of the time like Maddox, was all about wallowing in negativity and picking fights just for the sake of it. It was fun to rant about anything and everything nonstop, but immersing myself in hostility for 8 hours a day had to affect my mind. I was enjoying wasting my time on threads whose ephemeral and fast-paced nature made me feel like I was always witnessing something unique. I felt hardcore for being completely unphased by pictures of gore and beecock, which was a dumb thing to be proud of. I was a high schooler when I started going to 4chan, and at that age, you have dumb ideas about what's cool. Thank god most of the dumb shit I said was sushi rollymous.

In an abstract, emotional way, I feel like '00s internet was the most fun I ever had and ever will, and that things will never be better than they were then. And maybe that's true, maybe I'll never look back on anything as fondly as I do those times. But really thinking about it, what did I get out of it? What are the hazy memories of that era of 4chan that I still carry with me, now that the hard drives I saved everything to then are long gone? Dumb memes about bringing back Snacks, firin lazors, and Dial Soap? Hours-long arguments about anime, video games, and the front page redesign? Gore threads and porn dumps? How much would I have truly missed if I had spent less time on 4chan and more time doing anything else?

Still, I'd be lying through my teeth if I said I didn't miss it more than anything. I have a longing that can never be fulfilled for a time when the weird was regular and no one cared who you were. I would gladly trade away the stupid bullshit of the social media era for the stupid bullshit of the era of imageboards and forums. At least it was a freer, less corporate kind of stupidity.

I guess it doesn't matter if it was good or bad, because it's gone now and it's never coming back.

>>1437
fapping is not wrong but…
>I've been doing it on a daily average of two to three times a day since I was 12.
but, imo, fapping more than a couple times a week max is too much. fapping can also messes up your dopamine levels, and ejaculating too often wastes nutrients.

>>1516
Why does this turn me on?

It's okay if you do it in moderation. I think once a week is more than enough. Your libido is driven by your instincts and is perfectly natural. I suggest not listening to religious folks trying to get you to suppress your bodily needs.

I fap once or twice a day and I'm not exactly young. I don't think it's a big deal. I tried doing the whole "stop fapping so much thing" for a while and it didn't seem to do much, certainly my attempts at dating didn't improve, and being horny all the time is a pain. I'd rather be forever alone and not horny than forever alone and sexually frustrated all the time.

I've really never heard the concept of being "too old" to masturbate. I'm pretty sure that's not a thing. I've heard that a sudden change in masturbation habits can be a sign of mental health issues, but I don't think there's any "routine" that's considered particularly unhealthy.

In my personal opinion though, once a day seems pretty normal, but 2-3 times every day feels like it might be getting to the point where you're just doing it because you're bored. Maybe I'm wrong and you actually just have a high libido, but you might want to at least think about whether that's the case, or if you'd rather be doing something more productive or fulfilling with that time.

>Is it weird if I randomly decide to stop masturbating but still continue to watch hentai?
I don't think that's weird. If you're watching hentai and you don't feel the urge to masturbate, there's no reason to force yourself to.
At the same time though, I don't think you should force yourself not to either. Like, when I read eroge VNs it really is primarily for the romance plot and not for the porn, but if I get to the sex scenes and I'm turned on by them, then I don't see any reason to stop myself from masturbating.

>>2493
I don't like youtube videos about this kind of subject, but this video should I answer your question about how preparation affects the result.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BRoVVU--BkU

Intelligence test can measure someone's problem solving capacities, but that's it. A lot of people seem to use those tests to evaluate their worth, eventhough it's possible to be a complete piece of shit with a high IQ or a truly selfless person with a below average intelligence.

That's my 2 cents.

>>2493
Just my opinion but I think it's silly to worry about this kinda thing. Just be yourself and do your best, man.

>>2493
You can improve scores with practice any kind of test.
I think a lot of places that make applicants take this stuff are just trying to see if they they're desperate enough to go through this bullshit for the application. It's easier to control and abuse employees who really need the job.

>>2494
Yea, I think I ended up with a crappy attitude after seeing the IQ test. It was all downhill from there. I later received validation from other candidates that this kind of thing is bullshit.

>>2495
Yea, credentialism is probably a gateway to narcissism. We should live by "we're only as good as our last performance," right?

>>2496
My instincts were this, but spending time in unemployment purgatory can warp your frame of reference.

>>2516
Yea, this is what other candidates were saying. The company shit tests its employees so that employees with low shit tolerances self-select away from the application process.

>>2495
Personally I subscribe to the idea that there are several types of intelligence
But anyway if by intelligence you mean the ability to act efficiently towards a certain goal then "problem solving" != intelligence.
Intelligence requires knowledge, memory, control over emotions, mental clarity and more parameters which aren't tested in an IQ test. In fact an IQ test says little more than how good a guy is at solving an IQ test. It is great for masturbating your ego though
t. High IQ (tested irl, "gifted", 130+) life failure

I agree

>>2490
Is this cannibalism

>>2492
Maybe