>>13996Oh, hey, it's that time of the year again. I don't know what happened in the meantime. I spent the day at work, which was unremarkable. People at work are fine, they're just not my kind of people. We're bringing in a new guy, so he hung around in the later hours. I'm too enthusiatic when talking about some of the things I've done, I'm afraid he might think I'm slightly manic.
When I came home my dad had bought some party snacks and made a cake. We ate and sung happy birthday and ate. That was really nice; my dad and brother and sister make for a nice family. I suppose I should cherish them.
I don't like talking about work. When I was a NEET, I told myself if I ever got a job, that I wouldn't let it take much of a central place in who I am. But I'm just shallow and uninteresting no matter what I seem to do anyway, at least a job holds some semblance of legitimacy. So what else am I supposed to do? You are what you do, after all.
I suppose I should be satisfied. I'm learning Japanese, and I'm *actually* learning Japanese. I can squeeze a few interesting projects at work, and I'm set up for a promotion in the near future. I have a few programming side-projects I've been working towards, that I actually care about. But in retrospect, it all feels like I'm just going through the motions. "Oh, time for doing flashcards; you've been keeping a good streak, it'd be a shame if you missed a day." "Oh, let's read some more of that visual novel; immersion is the essence of language learning." "Oh, entrance exams are coming; you don't want to fail again, better write that practice essay, or brush up on your chemistry, or whatever." "Oh, you don't want to waste the weekend away; better take some time to work on a side-project." It isn't like any of those are unenjoyable, or purposeless, but looking at it from a holistic point of view, the baseline feels so… nothing. If I'm not mechanically working away towards something, them I'm nothing, because you are what you do, but it all feels like an eternal everyday and I still have no idea of who I am anyway so what's the point.
I had forgotten I share a birthday with Yume Nikki. It'd be nice to wander around for a while, but I don't know if my enthusiasm is really there, and I really ought to sleep. Tomorrow is work, after all; but we'll see.
Looking at past me is bittersweet
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