When it comes to talking to the people in real life- I don't, as much as possible. I feel really uncomfortable around them. I don't understand what their intentions are, what they look for in me, how to be sure I won't provoke them to make trouble for me. I honestly almost feel a little bit unsafe around pretty much any male.
I've been cultured so differently from them- not only in terms of interests, but also in what I feel is reasonable courtesy: to be quiet unless there's really something to say, to laugh rarely if at all, to wash hands thoroughly and not touch one's feet or rear, to be direct with one's intentions. It's one thing to accept that others have different customs, but another to be accustomed to them. And it's not like our society has enough explicit rules about these things that I could study them like I could some Imperial Chinese court…
I've been told by girls I've spoken to online (I've no way to do that anymore) that I'm good-looking, and I concur, but that doesn't give me any confidence or such. The times I've tried to talk to girls in real life I'm so worried I'll seem creepy to them, that I'll seem like I just want sex, or worse, sympathy and affection. I don't see how to remove that impression. And I'm not used to listening to them, and I speak indistinctly, so I have to ask them what they just said, and they the same of me… it's hopeless and painful.
When I was younger and put in social situations I'd act out and speak constantly, without any thought that I might be doing so inappropriately. So this is the antithesis of that.
I met a girl online, and I really really really liked her, and she really liked me too, at first. But I got too overbearing with her, and then almost all I think of saying was how much I hated myself, trying for pity or something… but I honestly don't know what else there ever is to say, or do.
I just don't want small talk, or a bunch of ambient, in-your-face but emotionally distant friendships like everyone else seems to want and be fine with. I only want to love and be loved, and that's an unreasonable demand. I want to be a parasite for apparently undeserved affection on someone else- but I'd love for someone to be such a parasite on me.
>>154This is why making male friends doesn't have any appeal to me- I don't have any chance of being intimate with the
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