No.4157
>>4155Probably because you got it off your chest and you're trying not to let it back in
No.4160
I don't know where to start with it all. My mind has become a mess. I wish I was dead but I'd never kill myself because I don't want to hurt my family. I met my Dad for the first time a little over a year ago, and the thought of him learning that I committed suicide is enough to stave off making an attempt. It's not stopping my thoughts though. I don't know what I'm doing anymore with my life either. I just want guidance and no one can give it to me. I could stay in the military where I've been hating my life because of awful leadership and hope it'll get better one day. Or I can get out and live with my Dad before going to college and hoping I actually enjoy college and manage to live a good life afterwards. If I get out I'll lose the friends I've made over the years. At the same time I'm still not even sure they're actually my friends because no one ever talks to me outside of work unless I force my way into their lives. Then there's my awful love life where the only dating I've done is online only. I'm hung up on people that I'll never get another chance with and can't get them out of my head. A few months ago, one of the guys I call a friend convinced me to lose my firsts to a random woman on tinder. I've been in a downward spiral of hopelessness since that. It was my first time holding hands, hugging, cuddling, kissing, having sex, all in one night and I can barely remember how any of it went. By the end of the night I just felt like it was a waste of time and the entire ordeal felt pointless to care about. Now I just feel dirty and regretful but also upset that everyone (myself included) made such a fuss over all this just for it to feel lackluster. I lost any drive to try harder in life. I've been living my life so far with a goal of trying to be secure for a family I love. Now I feel lost. I've never dated anyone in real life, always people over discord. I even swore that off for two years in an attempt to try harder with finding love in real life. I know what I miss from all that is the feeling of being able to do anything when it feels like someone loves and supports you. I know I'm acting all "woe is me" with this and the advice I've seen before is "don't do things to try to find love, just be yourself and you'll find someone along the way." It's too hard to convince myself to get out of bed to get food from my kitchen, how do I convince myself to do things for myself. I want to stop being a little friendly lady about it all. Sex is lame, I've never experienced real love in person but online it seemed so nice. I want to hear it again. I'm not sure what to do anymore. I've lost every motivation to try for anything. Work? Family? College? Love? Knowledge? I'm going through the motions and hoping it'll eventually sort itself out. But right now it's too much and I want to cry but the tears don't come out when I need them. Sometimes the need to cry will hit me during bad moments, like when I'm talking to a coworker. I haven't let any tears out yet though. What is this? I hate the way it feels.
No.4163
>>4162Do you want to be lied to?
No.4165
>>4162*pat pat* Everything will be okay because we'll be dead :D
No.4168
>>4167These thoughts always appear when something shitty happens to me. I want to find shelter in someone I can trust, but that person is not there anymore
I have other people in life, but I'm not comfortable being open with them about this, and the only person I find myself comfortable talking about this is always busy and can't reply way too often because of this.
This sucks.
Yesterday I was crossing the road, and some car that was speeding yelled at me "You're gonna end up dead like that, dead fuck"
I screamed at the car "I wish"
And truthfully, I wish I was dead
No.4172
>>4171My depression and loneliness hurts more
No.4174
>>4158Let's die together, sushi roll
No.4183
I wish I was never shown what kindness, tenderness, and care were.
After getting this, I have been constantly searching for it and in return I only got betrayals, backstabbing and deceit.
No, I was not happy being a bitter man, resentful against society for things he'd never have like an SO or friends to rely on, but I was blissful in this belief that I'd only have myself.
If I was never shown that facet of life, I could have kept going.
Now after that I just got into a deeper pit that the one i was before. Imageboards are unbearable to me now, but the people I talk to on the internet just fade away at best, take advantage of me at worst.
In the constant search of people to be with, I got burned.
I just don't know what to do anymore. No friends because the ones i had before broke my trust, no SO because I'm repulsive as hell, and with my mother dying last year I just got trapped into this house forever.
I'll never reach my happy ending. I used to believe I would, but I think i just don't wanna fight back anymore. No more reason to.
I'll just become the same as my dad. Abandoned, forfeited, despised and ignored forever
No.4186
>>4183> Imageboards are unbearable to me nowSame. That shit that is being posted on imageboards nowadays… I don't want misogyny, misandry, racism, politics, porn and memes. All while some actual discussions are going on, but without having to read stuff about my wife/children/girlfriend and also how to get girlfriend, virgin, blah blah blah. Shit is fucked. Aplying all of that I conclude I should just fuck off already. Thank you for reading, fgt.
No.4191
>>4188There are many reasons why this might be the case. Marriage customs can be very restrictive about brother-sister relationships after the sister's marriage, or there might even be a subjacent social pressure on the brother to marry before the sister, specially if she's older. I heard that in china, for example, older sisters are expected to assist their brothers to find marriage partners and play a role in the upkeep of the house and early tasks in their brothers' newlywed lives. In return, the younger sibling will find a suitable man to marry their chinese older sister.
It's easy to imagine that these types of social pressures would make the younger brother feel unease in many ways, and for you to wish to escape these social pressures, either physically by moving away from the country or simply by having another country come to you, in the sense of deciding to have a foreigner marry your sexy chinese older sister.
By the way, just so you know. Personally, although I am privy to these details, I'm open to operating on whatever cultural setting would most please my future family. Whether she prefers to wear a short cheongsam or ornate parisian lace lingerie, I'm fine with either. Such details are not a deal-breaker for me.
No.4197
>>4196Are you willing to make the sacrifice of making all the sushis here cry so they can achieve peak happiness in life after.
No.4199
>>4197I'd like to be the source of someone's happiness for once though
Just gotta cure the sad and psychotic thought
No.4202
>>4201good
now open paint and draw me a green heart with the letter "k" in it
No.4204
>>4203thanks sushi roll
that made me smile
No.4215
>>4205im glad that you are glad
No.4217
>>4216im glad that you are glad that i am glad about you being glad
No.4220
>>4219likely
but for the greater good? who knows
want to be glad somewhere else btw
No.4244
>>4239I feel you so hard, sushi. Since years I am nostalgic for my school time, even though my school time was horrible. No matter which school I attended and which grade, it was awful. Bullying, teachers who played favorites, classmates who made the lessions a circus, subjecs that I had no interest in forced upon me, people who I considered friends turning on me. It was hell. Nonetheless I miss it. It's still more pleasant than suffering through work. Not only did I have more free time each day, there were also more holidays, no bills to pay, no houswork.
No.4245
>>4244Fuck, accidentely posted before spell checking. English is not my native language, sorry.
No.4276
Self-hatred. Seeing flaws in your self yet hating your self enough to convince you it is what it is. Hating that those flaws are self inflicted. Your feelings are undeserved! You never suffered, not really. You should hate your self for feeling like that. Feels like a cancerous acid on your brain, yeah?
I do not know how to escape these types of cycles. I'm too scared to use the exit bag I made.
No.4277
>>4276Negative thoughts are a bit of a downward spiral. Dwell too much in them and then you'll get fucked in the ass.
But you can make things better, once you realize what is pulling you down, and then acting accordingly
No.4380
>>4363that's hard. But if you are going to live together then I don't see point in staying angry. Can you forgive him and move on? He isn't going to live forever.
No.4381
>>4380We did make peace the day after, it's not easy with some people but we live under the same roof, we can't conspire against each other
No.4426
>>442525 is honestly still really young in the grand scheme of things. The idea that people lose their value as they age is a social construct, not a truth. You can do whatever you want– every day is a new day.
Go out and make new memories sushi. I'm sure your dad wants good things for you too.
No.4429
>>4425Yea 26 is when things turned around for me, never give up!
No.4431
>>4427>>4429I just hope this "moving the age down the road" isn't something that just keeps going down the line. 2 years are little time.
But, I will not deny that I am doing my best to get out of this rut.
Also, it doesn't help that even if I wanted to do things outside, I gotta manage things from college too.
No.4432
>>4431No one can say for sure how your life will go. I can't, I wish I could, but I can't. I can't promise that things will get better, but I can promise that trying is worth it. Even if it's just for the personal satisfaction of having tried, never give up.
No.4436
>>4435cliche answer, but therapy is a good starting point.
your image is very unsettlingAlso, i kinda have the opposite issue. If I really like someone chances are I'll just vanish, used to believe I was a very harmful and damaging person. So to avoid hurting those I like the most I'd vanish.
I am doing my best to fix this.
Eventually, I got hurt badly from my rude behaviour, and this lead to me being humbled.
So I guess your solution may be to eventually be humbled.
Or therapy, you choose.
No.4438
>>4436i tried counselling but would like to try something more structured yeah. finding good mental health professionals i can afford is hard. vanishing is appealing but i am too addicted to attention to do it. i have known other vanishers too… try to know that your friends love you and want you around
No.4441
>>4439that's the spirit! now if it were that easy…
No.4442
>>4437Whenever I have tried to be with people I always feel so out of place, I don't enjoy it. I enjoy a lot more being on my own.
No.4455
>>4452I've been waiting for someone else to notice lol
No.4456
>>4455it is so funny
saw a person commenting about how sushi was faster than ever
it is all actually this one guy spamming this site to death
I feel bad for you all
No.4457
>>4456to be fair, he did post that when there was a weird influx from some other site. but yes it is comically easy to tell when some people are posting over and over again.
I don't mind the small community feel at all, but I do miss when people were more serious about posting about more positive things
No.4461
About a year ago I "finished" my degree and almost straight after that I got my dream job in the city I've always wanted to live in, made a ton of friends down here and found a really lovely house with cool housemates. I had space for car hobby so I got a new project I was excited to work on, had space for other indoors stuff I liked to do plus got out to see friends regularly enough. My friend from where I used to live for uni became my gf, then moved into my sharehouse and we were really comfy together although I maybe saw less of my friends.
Ffw to today, I suck shit at my job & feel like brain has been turning to mush, can't even remember how to do basic shit most of the time. I've been constantly stressed the fuck out (or sometimes just stupidly happy and bouncy & ignoring everything important) I'm constantly snapping at my gf and just in general being a horrible person to her. I feel like I rarely see my friends and almost never go out, at least nowhere near as much as I'd like to. Project car is basically the same as it was last year, just now I've moved into a place where I won't really have space to work on it.
I'm also apparently terrible at money management, on a 70k salary I've managed to save $0. Last month has been a total nightmare since I spent a whole paycheck on bond and rent and had nothing to survive on since I get paid monthly.
Everything is perfect for me, apparently I just suck at everything
Going to go n ride into a wall or something,cya
No.4469
>>4126>>4127Updating these posts I wrote a few months ago in the last personal problems thread to write a little book review. I realise that those posts are a massive wall of text, so the tl;dr is essentially that I was addicted to talking to myself through an extremely autistic form of roleplay-writing I dubbed "TfT". I thought that posting about it would maybe help me, but it didn't do anything, although I appreciate the sushi who replied to me.
Anyway, two months ago I was able to quit this addiction in literal hours thanks to a book I picked up at random called "Smart Phone, Dumb Phone" by John Dicey. It's supposed to be an application of a quitting smoking method called "easyway" onto smartphone addiction. The tone of the book is very suspicious and it reads like an MLM scam or something. I'm not sure I can recommend it for other sushis struggling with tech addiction, though it was very effective for me for this specific problem.
Essentially, the crux of the method is realising that addiction causes you to confuse the relief of ending withdrawal with pleasure, and the trick to quitting is dismantling the mental rationalisations you've developed to convince yourself otherwise. Summarising it like that makes it sound fairly obvious, but I think the presentation is a big part of it. It also has a lot to do with your own attitude and this is why I think the method is hit or miss. If you can correctly identify and deconstruct these rationalisations, then I think it's very effective, but whereas I had instant success with TfT, I have tried unsuccessfully to apply this to my desire to quit eating junk food and stop using my computer. It requires a lot of careful introspection.
Unfortunately, my life has not improved at all without TfT and in most respects has gotten worse. The anti-climactic ending was bad for my confidence and I'm too afraid of relapsing to take pride in what I've accomplished. Whereas I used to be able to tell myself "right, I was writing TfT all day today" before going to bed, I now have genuinely no idea what I do all day on the computer. I did things like watch anime and study chess during the first week without TfT, but now I don't even do that.
Maybe I will feel better if I actually get off the computer, but unfortunately it's a more difficult problem to deal with than TfT was. I will have to dig deeper to solve this one.
No.4470
>>4469Huh, read your posts and the situation is eerily familiar. I've kept a diary on my computer since ~2017 and written 1.5M+ words since then. It's pretty addicting to yell into the void instead of writing things that have to be read & judged by other people.
Very indirectly, I guess it has helped me figure out what I really want to do in life, which in turn has led to me spending less time on the computer overall. It's hard to let go, but if things go well I should be able to knock it within a few months…
No.4541
>>4469Seems I missed the end of that thread and thus your posts. Reading them now it seems like a more extreme form of my "mental conversations" which I've been doing for so long as I don't even know when it started. Essentially revisiting and continuing conversations I've had earlier, or envisioning ones which I anticipate to have in the future, but all in my head. This is problematic because I tend to go in circles with very little progress being made because I'll think of a better way to convey something, or another point I'd like to incorporate, so I start over like a broken record. It would often happen when I was trying to go to sleep, causing me to not be able to fall fully asleep, but rather go into some kind of low-power kind of mode where my brain keeps going in circles for an hour or more while tuning out repetitive external stimulus.
Once I started visiting imageboards, this tendency also translated into "mental posting" where I'll rehearse post ideas or responses while showering or working. It became especially problematic at work because of the political goings-on in the US the last few years. My job is fairly mindless, and my brain needs stimulation. Since I work by myself, the stimulation came from my own thoughts, which tended to circle back to the various things I was anxious about, and I would imagine these grandiose posts that would bring people to their senses and have a massive ripple effect in creating a better world. Or I'd imagine writing the perfect dressing-down post to finally send a pesky troll packing for good. But I wasn't really planning for creating these posts, I was just imagining normal words having undue impact, all the while knowing I'm not a great writer and even if I was some copypasta on some random imageboard isn't going to blow up the whole internet the way I'm imagining, and the troll is basically winning if I spend so much time thinking about how to put him in his place. It got really depressing and made me hate my job. It got better when I started listening to music at work, but it still happens when I'm in the shower or doing other things that don't require much focus.
It likely stems from a combination of autism, dysgraphia, and being ironically gifted with spelling.
It's interesting that English apparently isn't your native tongue, because your written English is about as perfect as I've seen from anyone who wasn't writing professionally. Do you usually draft posts in a word processor like in the TfT screenshot?
No.4567
This past year I've been extremely lonely, isolated, and bored. I act cold to everyone despite wanting to make friends, I'm weird, my social anxiety has skyrocketed, I have no one to talk to, and I've become paranoid. Due to my circumstances I've always been isolated to a degree, but it was never as bad as now, because I usually had someone to at least talk to. Now I have nobody, not even internet friends. My life isn't going the way I want it to go either, I'm failing at most of my pursuits. I don't know where to go from here. I'm not entirely pessimistic about the future, but I'm not sure if I can get out of this slump any time soon. I want to say it's gonna get better over time like I always used to, but I've been enduring a disturbing amount of suicidal thoughts and crying over the smallest things recently. I feel like I'm just not adapting to the world around me at all. I'm not even sure whether I should desire being in a community or whether I should embrace being alone, because I don't know if desire and the fulfillment of desire in general is something that will bring me happiness.
My life is in such a weird place right now.
No.4607
The night before this one was weird.
My beer-induced day nap lasted till 3 AM, but that's not the point.
The point is in what was after.
The afterimages of whatever I was dreaming about before I woke up.
The memories of an earlier dream about the town I grew up in.
Made my thinking drift to the memories of sins that I committed at that time and of pain that I brought into this world.
Remembering it all, event by event. Although, not really. My memory is not that good.
I did bad things for stupid reasons. Out of arrogance and out of spite.
I realize now that I was a bully in my own way, mostly unlike the classmate who threatened to knock my teeth out.
That teacher, my behavior was quite ill to her. But I really, truly hated the unending supply of long essays for homework she'd been spamming us with. And so I found my ways to annoy her deeply.
In fact, what else should one expect? Forcing ≈11-year-old children to sit at a desk doing dull things for 8 hours a day 5 or 6 days a week. Of course, at least some of them will be spiteful and easy to anger, trying to make their time being fun, each in their own way.
It is also no wonder that we weren't getting along all that well, me and my classmates. Almost all of them were a year older than me, and so were taller and stronger. I naturally saw them as a threat to be wary of, and they saw me as a nerdy weakling.
When it came to STEM-related subjects, I was considerably better than most of them, if not at the top. And so I used that as a way to assert status and to vent out whatever "anger"' and "frustration" I had within me. Which probably looked ridiculous and retarded. Sometimes it totally did.
It's a wonder that I came out of that school without a single fight. My time in that school ended with me being homeschooled for a year. After that, I went for a school in another city where things were quite different.
Now that I have this written, I think I'm exaggerating things. Perhaps, greatly. We did have fun playing and laughing together, me and my classmates. Especially in the earlier days. There were two girls who liked me, at least as a friend. So, it wasn't all bad, definitely. But it was bad enough for some (baseless) spite towards normal people to appear within me, and it took several years for it to die out.
Is it weird to recall your childhood so attentively? I guess a normal person wouldn't spend his 5 remaining hours of the night doing it the way I did. Why bother yourself with reflecting on the past that's irrelevant to what you do and have to do now?
In fact, I don't usually do that either, although these memories of me being an asshole seldom resurface in my head. I wish I could ask for forgiveness whenever that happens. But it would just become a yet another memory of me being a clown if I were to find people from long ago and contact them for that purpose, wouldn't it? And so, my life goes on. Now it is my sloth that hurts and withers people.
No.4621
>>4540Now my little sister is engaged to be married early next year. One of my younger cousins is getting married next month. And I've never even been in a real relationship.
Closest I got was pseudo-dating a friend in high school, but the only thing we did was go to a concert, but I actually paid for her ticket and another friend's too. The thing is, I would've paid for her ticket whether we were "dating" or not because I knew it was the only way she'd be able to go and I didn't want to go to a concert without my friends.
So far my loneliness is a feeling I've been able to largely ignore because everyone else in my family was living similarly, mainly because I'm the oldest. But now it's beginning to squeeze my bubble of comfortable indifference.
I remember when the song "High School Never Ends" came out, I was in high school and thinking that the comparisons of all those celebrities to various high school stereotypes was spot-on. I heard it again tonight and realized that, on a macro level it's true because the media pushes these eye-catching yet ultimately inconsequential trivialities because drama gets views and views get money, but on a micro level, it doesn't really hold up because most individuals do change and evolve. I just happen to be one of the unfortunate exceptions. Besides expanding my musical palette in the last few years, all my other interests and priorities were cemented within 5 years of graduation and have remained fixed for the last decade.
I took time off last week and interrupted my circadian rhythm in order to attend a family reunion which I haven't been to in several years, and despite sitting next to my closest cousin during the meal, we barely spoke for 3 minutes. Of course I'd begun to notice our priorities diverging even before I started missing reunions because of my job, but it wasn't until now that it really hit me that I can't relate to his life experiences at all anymore.
Also, last time I rebooted my computer I got a notice from Steam warning me that it's going to stop working later this year because I've got Windows 7, which means that last tenuous thread to the one person I still consider an irl friend, despite our physical distance and mutual silence, will soon be severed as well.
No.4625
I had an extremely bad mental health day today.
I woke up at 1 PM with only a few hours of sleep (maybe like 5 or 6?). I attempted to fall back asleep but every time I'd end up waking up right away after having deeply unsettling nightmares.
This all left me drained, so I couldn't get out of bed. Eventually at 4 PM my mom showed up to tell me she was leaving, and I should get breakfast. We had a small fight bc I begged her to wash her dishes after using them bc this is fucking with my ability to get fed.
After that I stayed in bed for a few more hours until my mood started getting really weird. I started crying uncontrollably, and after a few minutes of that I got up from my bed and started beating myself up. mostly punching my head and legs, as well as biting my arms. After I realized what I was doing I stopped and instead started breathing heavily, in a panic.
I did this all again 2 or 3 times before I finally managed to get dressed and try and eat a proper breakfast. During the whole ordeal I was feeling very off. my movement was very slow, my breathing a bit weird, and I was still very unstable. Simple sounds like bags crinkling or dogs barking would set me off to panic again, while fucking things up (for example by dropping something) would set me crying again. I'd also start making weird noises whenever either of these happened, which despite my efforts I didn't have much control over.
After eating I spent some time cooling down, which did work. But now I'm just thinking about the after effects of all this.
My body still hurts a lot, it's making it hard to sleep. And the whole thing has me deeply worried. I have a feeling this might be a symptom of some mental illness, and knowing my family's history with it, I know for a fact that I cannot tell anyone that this ever happened. I'm afraid this could get me forcefully sent to a mental health center if it ever comes out.
I have no one else to talk this kind of things with and it's eating me up alive. The few friends I have have grown tired of hearing me vent and now just ignore me, and my partner doesn't really want to know about anything in regards to me self harming. I'm all alone and I'm really feeling that
No.4629
>>4621If it's primarily the chat that's a problem to lose, I think there's a steam chat plugin for pidgin
Though I'd really consider upgrading or moving to linux if I were you. Wouldn't feel safe using win7 on an online machine given the lack of security updates
No.4633
I am trying my best to let go of what is admittedly a justified hatred of someone who wronged me deeply and who I failed to properly cut out of my life. It resulted in then coming back each time I got close to healing and reopening the sutures. I want to reach out and really let loose, tell them all the awful things I want to say. I just know that even thinking about it isn unproductive, that wishing unhappiness on someone is relfecting back upon myself, regardless of how much they deserve it. I write out my hatred, and it ebbs away. I try and think about how intrinsic character flaws will lead to misery one way or another. I keep finding myself indulging my vices, my inner voice pushing me towards this misery and keeping me trapped in this loop of vice-nothing.
How do you truly forgive someone who doesn't deserve it?
Do I need to kill my vice before? Or is it that I need to let go of all of it at once?
I am working on myself where I can, I have signed up for things to force the issue for myself, but for now I'm in this pit of impatience and hate.
No.4634
>>4621You can access Steam's Chat through any web browser.
https://steamcommunity.com/chat/ No.4637
Oh man, sushis. I'm doin' my best out here, but it's not easy. I have good friends, a loving boyfriend, and I'm finally on transparent, good terms with my family. But I feel my anxiety controlling me. It's like there's this deep, dark pit in my chest and I keep slipping into it. It's physically there, yet it's also something I invented in my head? I want to be "succeeding" so bad, and I know I can do it, but this illness keeps telling me, "you're in danger, you're in danger! everything is wrong. run!"
It's only the first day of the new semester of school. I guess I need to find a therapist.
No.4638
>>4637It is always going to be there, it seems. Take it one day at a time, count your blessings and enjoy those things you got, you got them because somehow you earned them even if you don't believe it. You are well aware that they may not be there tomorrow, everything is impermanent, life is fluctuating in nature. Nothing is ever perfect, anyway; what you do is enjoy what you can enjoy at the moment, and meanwhile do your best in doing what you have to do where you must so you can have what you need to face the times ahead, whether they are good or bad. Whatever it all turns out to be in the end there's no point worrying about it now. You do you and let things unfold and handle them as gracefully as you can, nothing ever turns out the way we expect it to, we can't control the fuure, and we are never fully prepared. Keep this in mind but don't let it get to you, make it a point to enjoy what you can.
The uneasy feelings will remain, I think it's better to let them in and observe them and soothe them so they don't end up eating you inside.
Take care of those close to you, and let them go when they no longer make you happy. Don't cling to things, if you are blessed now, you can be blessed again.
I believe in you sushi!
No.4646
>>4638Thanks for the reply, sushi. Don't have much to say– this was really the perfect response.
I believe in you too :)
No.4648
>>4638Well, what a coincidence… he broke up with me today, haha… man. Over a year… agh, I really loved him.
I’ll remember this. “You can be blessed again.” I’m doin’ okay! One day at a time.
No.4696
This feels like a bit of a petty thing to complain about, but it's been getting to me.
I've been basically a complete shut-in for a while now, and imageboards have been pretty much my only social outlet lately. A few days ago I got banned from the only other board I frequent (other than sushigirl) and I have no way of knowing how long the ban is. It might even be permanent for all I know. I didn't even say anything offensive or controversial, so it seriously feels like the admin just decided to ban me on a whim.
I realize that most people who read this are probably thinking "that's not a big deal, get over it," and you're absolutely right, but I still can't help but feeling just a twinge of anxiety over the thought that I might've just lost one of the only social spaces I still had. I guess I should start looking for other places to spend my time.
No.4697
>>4696>imageboards have been pretty much my only social outlet I relate to this. I used to be somewhat social, I've never managed to do well among normals, but I always managed to find a few people with whom I got along. Today I live in a rural area where there is none of that, at all. People are some sort of rural hypernormals. I just have one friend around.
But I don't really like to go out and socialize anymore, not even on the internet. It doesn't feel like socializing to me at all, it just feels like I'm putting my thoughts out these for a different breed of normals. Ones that are actively hostile. I cannot be myself on the internet, and part of that is because the internet is dominated by a handful of topics and narratives. Discord and to a lesser extent IRC seem like better alternatives for social intercourse but I am so used to sushi rollymous imageboards, that I use them a lot more, maybe because I can write long posts like this.
On a very related note, for a while I joined several sexting servers on discord. In all my, life, that has turned out to be the only reliable way I can relieve myself of sexual urges, but even then I feel kind of uncomfortable, not too different from porn, which I almost never use.
It is weird, that the only way to fulfill that desire for interpersonal communication, both sexual and otherwise, is online through a screen. It didn't use to be like this. But I chose to get away from people. And with all the bullshit in the world, I am glad I did. I'm not actually complaining, I just think it's curious.
I also had a friend who shared my love to study, but she started ghosting me. That's the thing with online friendships, they are ultimately fleeting and they may disappear anytime.
I have considered reaching out to people all over the world, to "network" if you will, and meet people that you would not find in the big hubs like r*dd*t or 4c*** (which are ofthe worst kind), to get to know where and how they live and what they think and like to do.
No.4698
I hate being lonely, I turned 30 this year and it's really starting to hit me hard that there's a very good chance that I'm going to die alone. My only social outlet is work, where I barely talk to coworkers because I'm extremely awkward and anxious. I had four days off and besides an attempt at going to church, which I won't get into I effectively had no human contact outside my grandparents, who I currently live with. I have a few online friends I talk to and I care for the dearly but the complete lack of in real life friends or even acquaintances let alone a significant other is starting to get to me.
I immediately fell flat on my face the moment I graduated high school and I've started to call the decade and a bit after graduation my "Lost Decade" due to either being a recluse or a stoner NEET. Since then I have gotten a job and I have lost weight, but there's still key factors about my life where I need to get things sorted, I'm still ultimately a failed adult and even if I were to one day move past that, psychologically I don't think I can. I hate the daily urge I have to cry. For the first time in life I actually asked for a woman's number, I did so knowing full well that nothing will come of it but the few times our shifts have overlapped she was lovely to talk to and I really enjoyed just listening to her talk. She's gotten a new job since then, so I never get to see her face to face but we still talk a bit. She even messaged me first yesterday, just to talk about work related stuff but it was nice.
No.4700
i met someone online who turned out to be a very abusive person/troll. they cyberstalked me and would use the same imageboards i used to scare me. i used to really enjoy using imageboards until they started becoming a place to be targeted by someone who didn't like me as a person.
ive always been a kind of mentally unwell person, leading to the feeling of isolation in real life. the internet was a bit like my safe space. i have social anxiety in real life and now i get real anxiety in the online world too.
it really sucks. i never developed social skills growing up and now i get confronted online by real people who don't like me. i think they did it as a troll, and thats the part that makes me angry and sad.
i dont know why but it makes me so frustrated. i wish i never met them. i wish i had a social life so online stuff wouldn't matter that much to me. i havent made any friends at my college and im supposed to be graduating soon. i wish i wasn't an idiot and knew not to get involved with malicious people online.
No.4744
I fucking hate having sexual urges and sexual desire. It's a drag, it's weighing me down, it distracts me and I may end up bothering people with my desire. Even if I don't go and molest people with my lust, it takes so much of my mental energy so as to keep me thinking stupid unproductive shit and keeping me in a state of perpetual frustration.
Worst part is that I encourage it myself because I'm so addicted to the dopamine I get from masturbating, even if I don't consume (much) mind-poisoning porn.
Evn if I try not to indulge in this stuff, thoughts of it come on their own sooner or later, especially if I see attractive people. I was doing perfectly fine, actually, before that smoking-hot girl started working in the threads shop. It's like nature is torturing me with my unhinibited libido and absolutely shit social skills that make it's msatisfaction a categorical impossibility. Why.
No.4745
>>4744Decreased libido is a side effect of some medication that I'm on and tbh I think it's been a good thing
No.4746
>>4744>I may end up bothering people with my desire.That's the idea, yes
No.4747
I've had plenty of internet friends come and go.
But one will stay with me forever.
I've never met someone like them before or since.
We talked for eight hours a day like it was nothing, time flew by.
I think about them multiple times per week. Lately it's been every day.
I check my email a few times per month to see if they've come back. They said they might after all.
I think they may have committed suicide though.
I pray for them. I've told the Lord that if they're not in heaven, I'm not going there either.
I miss them, I miss them, I miss them.
No.4797
>>4747 i feel you, i'm in the same boat with someone i talked a lot with on matrix, i woke up twice with their account deleted (or deactivated or whatever) twice; heard they accidentally doxxed themselves once and quit, then came back, touched base, spent talking for a while almost daily and then without warning just quit, couple of days after they had some family issues with their really asshole sister
fuck now i wonder what are they doing, i think i have their phone number but i'm not sure; i wonder if should i give them a call, god knows if that number is even still up
No.4798
(woke up twice with X twice wtf is my english doing)
No.4800
>>4798 same sushi, they now came back and we are touching base
No.4989
I really want to make a friend online but it seems futile. I am completely locked up in life and I don't really do much interesting, nor am I really able to. I can't connect with anyone and I lock up and run away anytime I even try to socialize online. I feel like a ghost. Sorry for this post.
No.4990
>>4989you are not alone in this sushi, i have felt the same for the many years i've been online
i have given up for the time being, but i think surely it is possible if so many others have done it
No.4991
>>4990Thanks sushi. I'm just glad to receive a reply, it means a lot. I've given up for the most part as well. If I could try to be your friend I would but I'm really a wreck. I hope you're well.
No.4992
>>4991You are sincerely appreciated here! If you ever feel like chatting, there is a quite active discord… :)
https://sushigirl.us/chat No.4993
>>4992I would really like to but admittedly I tried a while ago and immediately deleted all of my messages and my account out of fear. I'm so afraid of making people mad at me for some reason, or something of that nature.
No.4994
I am re-watching Watamote and it is hard to watch, I am only now realizing I was just like Tomoko during college and I have only been getting more socially-inept since then. It's one thing when you're an awkward loner as a teenager, but at my age… I should really have grown past it by now.
I thought I would be ok alone, but I've been having recurring painful dreams where I recognize an old friend. We talk and I tell them to call me when we wake up, but obviously they never do. I'm a coward. Anxiety controls me. It's been years, can we even go back?
No.5006
I hate myself and my malfunctioning brain
I'm just a freak
No.5007
I have to give in all the time and I guess it's okay I shouldn't complain but sometimes it's tiring and I have nobody to talk to. Even if I did, though, it would be no use, I probably wouldn't want to say it out loud anyway because it's all dumb shit and I just need to suck it up.
I wish I was normal.
No.5009
I don't really like venting because it tends to become a habit in me but right now I kind of have to because I can't take this off my head.
In the mornings all I want is to drink tea and READ and STUDY but now I can't and it's fucking eating me. Worst part is, I have the tea, I have the morning, but I can't fucking do what I would really like to do, I have nothing to do! I guess I should go and do something else, do some gardening, that should be good. But honestly the ONE thing that I really like has been taken away from me and I don't know how I'll be able to endure this.
I need to find something, idk, a job? fuck this shit.
Worst part is I don't want to end up blaming the people I love or becoming an angry, bitter person because of this. I have no idea what to do! I guess I'm just going through a bit of an abstinence phase, we are creatures of habit and the force of habit is gnawing at me, I need some time to forget about this. I keep remembering the books that I was reading just a few days ago and I feel bothered that I couldn't get to continue with that. But it is futile, and it was futile even then, as I could hardly get a moment to read lol.
I am also aware that given how obsessive I am it was causing me to not pay attention because that is all that I wanted to do all the time. I guess as the day goes by I will have other stuff to do and then I'll be able to forget this but the mornings are the worst moment for me right now.
I was considering trying to find a quiet moment when I can do this without any distractions but the morning has always been my favorite time to do this. On the other hand if I were to, say, devote the nightly hours to reading, well, I wouldn't get enough sleep for one thing, and I would again be distracted all day thinking about the time for reading, which would probably keep me from paying attention the way it always does.
I need to change my image of myself and who I am, what I need is a complete overturn of myself.
No.5074
I'm addicted to sadness. It's so comforting to let go and drop into the depths of despair. However every time I do, I find myself in a worse position than before. Living in limbo until old age takes away the last option, blinded by the golden light of memories, what a pathetic existence!
No.5085
Things don't really get better quantitatively. Just a little less worse.
No.5092
It is important to embrace aloneness.
In aloneness one finds what is lacking in them.
In aloneness one also finds what they can draw from themselves.
In longing for a simple trailing hand along my shoulders, slim arms wrapped around my waist, a head upon my chest, murmuring sweetly, and softly to me, I find that I identify not a need but a lack, a want not only in the sense of a desire, but in what is wanting in me. And I find pain. But is this touch which simmers, which tells me "i love you" or "I want you" something that I need for what I am, for what I am meant to be? A name is that which is intimately connected to the meaning of a being, the purpose, the logos to the telos. And if my name, my little logos, is to be become an immortal name, the essential and eternal expression of itself in the cosmic order, is this beloved, this other necessary? Are the love of a father, strong and benevolent, of a mother, sweet, receiving and unconditional, of a lover, taking of yourself, accepting your love, and returning it of herself, of a friend, ever accepting, sharpening, drawing you further to your goal, or of any other love of another person necessary?
Is it necessary to make my name an eternal name, my self a divine self.
It is the central truth of the Christian religion, that God became man so that man could become god, and that indeed, men can become gods, serving the Maker of Heaven and Earth. This is what it means to have an immortal name. This is what glory is, to become a god, to become an expression of an eternal idea. And for so long, for so very long, I have longed not for this, but merely, to be human, to be loved by a beloved, to be accepted as a man among men, a human among humans. And the lesson of my aloneness is that this is not necessary for the eternal idea of what I was made to be. Beneficial? Yes. Good? Yes. Life-affirming, a blessing? All yes. But not necessary. Not the purpose.
I can be alone, unloved, unaccepted, untouched, and I am meant to be for a season, or perhaps for longer than a season.
No.5105
I used too care about everything a lot, but over time I got desensitized to both positive and negative emotions.
Staying up all night with the sinking feeling that comes with the understanding that you ate slowly withering away slowly turns you into a nihilist.
I still remember the night when I curled up in bed and prepared for my daily existential crisis, only to find that I felt nothing.
It honestly was a relief.
The exception to this is a constant tang of nostalgia and anemoia for simpler times.
No.5106
there's a nice sciencey youtuber that I watch sometimes but in her last video i started having lewd thoughts about her and I feel bad because I haven't been coomer brained like this in 5+ years and i always hated being coomer when i was in my teens and early 20s.
i always thought she was pretty but this is different, it's very primitive and lecherous. i hate it and i hate myself for falling back into this shit.
No.5115
I'm getting stressed while preparing for a competition a few months out… I don't know how I can improve to become better and I fear like there is not enough time. Everyone around me improves faster than I do, and I have been in the same place. Is it time to call it quits or keep pushing on? Who knows
No.5142
I can't stop looking at gore videos from war zones but there's only so many pictures of babies with their heads blown off my heart can't take it anymore. But I still keep watching because someone has to see it. I feel exhausted and fatigued just by watching it. I feel like shit. Yesterday, I saw a video where a guy had his leg sliced off by shrapnel and was just screaming in the streets until people came and rescued him. I don't think he made it. I saw a guy carrying what was left of his son in a plastic bag. It was just mush and there was a lifeless arm hanging out. So this is where my tax money goes? I don't feel like eating anymore. I want to die. I turn it off to make it stop but I get then I realize the people over there can't just close the tab. They have to deal with that while I'm an ungrateful little NEET whining about my comfortable life. The worst thing is feeling like you can't do anything to help them.
No.5143
I didn't remember posting it until I saw this thread on the front page and browsed through but I wrote
>>4678 almost exactly a year ago. Funnily enough I'm also procrastinating right now too. I don't really remember the details of the state of mind I was in at the time and apparently have a weak memory of past introspection, but I am pleased to say I am probably not as depressed as I think I might have been a year ago. I don't get tears welling up every day at the slightest hint of feelings or hardship anymore and I got a new job that is a little more conducive to affording myself a modicum of ambition, something I always thought I'd like to have but never had much energy for.
I haven't started the new job yet though, and these past few months with no work to do have gone by fast. I've been bored and miserable, sitting at home getting fat alternating between skipping sleep to mindlessly browse the web all night and lying in bed for days at a time. It's a little sad because my last stint in unemployment was the happiest couple years I can remember, but I think I'm just not cut out for the good NEET life anymore. I've always been goal-oriented and become unhappy when I have no immediate mission and can't find one. I feel like I was more engaged with my interests and hobbies back then so it was easier to find a fulfilling use for the limitless time. Of course it might be my memory playing tricks on me again making me think I was more content then than I really was, since I know I did have some very self-destructive habits and was living on shrinking savings ignoring the fact that I would soon be broke. I still have terrible habits but not as bad and not all the same ones. It's slow and difficult but being able to stay in school makes me feel like I'm kind of doing something with myself longer-term other than rotting away. Hopefully once I start working again I can get into a good routine with the rest of my life too. Besides poor impulse control aimlessness, lack of a consistent routine seems to be one of the biggest contributing factors to my misery. It lets me just waste away for weeks or months not getting anything done until I realize how long it's been and start freaking out about the passage of time and getting even more depressed and useless. My last job really sucked most of the time but I guess I'm grateful it allowed me to learn these things about myself and figure out how to somewhat manage my problems.
>>5140Glad to have you back. I disappear for a bit too but it's always nice to post here again. I'm sure we both know that people will always fight on the internet but I don't think it's worth dwelling too much on it. Anyways, thanks for bumping this thread. Finding my old post let me process some thoughts and get a bit of perspective on the way I've been feeling lately.
No.5146
>>5142I've seen some stuff I shouldn't have too.
Making yourself suffer because others do isn't healthy and helps nobody. Stop watching those videos. That doesn't mean you have to stop caring.
No.5147
My mother started a lecture to me that I should get a better job and try to become more self-sufficient. It was a hard conversation that lasted from dinner to when she came into my room to tell me about a family member she had. The conversation started with her own life and how she came from a poor family and how her mother had six children and had to work 6 days a week to support her family and eventually buy her our house, and then, about her (my mother's) own life and how she went from job to job, seeminly getting paid less and less each time before coming to her current job the pays her well. When she finally came into my room, she was telling me about that family member who ended up getting a degree, quitting that job, getting another job, getting laid off, getting married to a foreigner, and losing everything to a scam. It ended with her telling me that I must become self-sufficient otherwise I will end up being unable to support myself when they die. She had actual tears in her eyes. I had been stonefaced the entire time.
This is what I wanted to say to her, but I didn't because I knew if I did, I was going to lose my composure.
Mother, it is already too late for me. I have lost any kind of hope for myself years ago. Before even high school ended, I knew I would be in this place. Even with that, I have kept my head high and tried to achieve more than I had ever hoped to achieve. I got a degree, I studied, I paid off my own car. Even with that, even with seemingly passing the bounds I thought were set for me, I knew I wouldn't get far. Ever since I turned 25 and lost my insurance, thus losing any ability to get medicine for my ADHD. Without that medicine, the path to get a career is a cliff that I must climb.
Unfortunately, I really can't type any more. Not because I'm overwhelmed with sadness or unable to tell my tale, but because I've just grown numb to the entire thing. I can feel my spirits coming back up again. I've been doing a lot better, but the process of finding a job and continuing my education terrifies me. I've done self-studying, and I know I can do it, but I look at what I must achieve, and I freeze up in fear. I look at jobs and I feel like I'm not good enough for a job that doesn't even pay a living wage. Sometimes, I feel depressed when I think about my future, but most times, I've accepted that I'll end up killing myself when shit finally hits the fan. I have moved on from the dread of non-existence and don't feel much pressure to keep continuing. My siblings have a fine life, and I fear more for their safety and future than mine. It's a weird feeling because I bet they'd feel bad if I died. It's just that I really don't care? Do I not care? I have accepted my fate long ago and am happy knowing they will do fine in the future.
I cannot tell my mother this because I've always known that if I did, it would very much break her heart. Even after this conversation, she was almost in tears. I am acting as if everything is alright for her sake. I am acting ignorant because maybe if I do that, it'll hurt less when things do finally come crashing down. I'm sorry for the pain, mother. No one asked for this.
No.5158
I'm thinking of committing social suicide again. As in cutting off everyone I know, quitting sites, cutting off people I know online and disappearing. I want to disappear.
When your such a disappointment to everyone the best thing to do is just leave.
>>5146I can't stop. I feel like someone has to see it because other people won't look. What else am I supposed to do? Ignore people's suffering? I feel like I have to do something but there isn't anything I can do.
No.5163
>>5158>Ignore people's suffering?wtf is watching it going to achieve?
wow yeah you really helped by sharing in their suffering by just watching them die. stop watching that shit, you're not ignoring it at that point, you're already aware of it.
No.5171
>>5170I appreciate that you are trying to help, but I need to say that you have no idea what you are talking about. "Taking a loan is a grave mistake" as opposed to what? Being evicted? Starving? When you have no money, borrowing is preferable to homelessness. I have studied Dave Ramsey's course, and he's a jackass who thinks that investment now still works the same way as it did in the 1980s. He puts all the blame on people who borrow money because he wasted his credit on fancy cars and homes, as if people don't have real legitimate things that they spend money on out of desperation. I work in a kitchen, we don't have unions, we don't have pay raises, and there are no other jobs in my area. I've applied to 60 fucking jobs and had over 20 interviews, and there's nothing. I'm working 7 days a week, I don't have weekends. And I still can't break even because of how dogshit living expenses are right now.
Again, I really appreciate that you're trying to help, but you don't know what you're talking about. And neither does Dave Ramsay for that matter.
No.5173
>>5172god i fucking hate this character.
No.5248
>>5247wait what..?! sushi…
No.5270
>>5247Good luck Sushi. I hope you're doing okay.
No.5271
I’ll never be loved. I’ll never love someone else.
