Probably because you got it off your chest and you're trying not to let it back in
I don't know where to start with it all. My mind has become a mess. I wish I was dead but I'd never kill myself because I don't want to hurt my family. I met my Dad for the first time a little over a year ago, and the thought of him learning that I committed suicide is enough to stave off making an attempt. It's not stopping my thoughts though. I don't know what I'm doing anymore with my life either. I just want guidance and no one can give it to me. I could stay in the military where I've been hating my life because of awful leadership and hope it'll get better one day. Or I can get out and live with my Dad before going to college and hoping I actually enjoy college and manage to live a good life afterwards. If I get out I'll lose the friends I've made over the years. At the same time I'm still not even sure they're actually my friends because no one ever talks to me outside of work unless I force my way into their lives. Then there's my awful love life where the only dating I've done is online only. I'm hung up on people that I'll never get another chance with and can't get them out of my head. A few months ago, one of the guys I call a friend convinced me to lose my firsts to a random woman on tinder. I've been in a downward spiral of hopelessness since that. It was my first time holding hands, hugging, cuddling, kissing, having sex, all in one night and I can barely remember how any of it went. By the end of the night I just felt like it was a waste of time and the entire ordeal felt pointless to care about. Now I just feel dirty and regretful but also upset that everyone (myself included) made such a fuss over all this just for it to feel lackluster. I lost any drive to try harder in life. I've been living my life so far with a goal of trying to be secure for a family I love. Now I feel lost. I've never dated anyone in real life, always people over discord. I even swore that off for two years in an attempt to try harder with finding love in real life. I know what I miss from all that is the feeling of being able to do anything when it feels like someone loves and supports you. I know I'm acting all "woe is me" with this and the advice I've seen before is "don't do things to try to find love, just be yourself and you'll find someone along the way." It's too hard to convince myself to get out of bed to get food from my kitchen, how do I convince myself to do things for myself. I want to stop being a little friendly lady about it all. Sex is lame, I've never experienced real love in person but online it seemed so nice. I want to hear it again. I'm not sure what to do anymore. I've lost every motivation to try for anything. Work? Family? College? Love? Knowledge? I'm going through the motions and hoping it'll eventually sort itself out. But right now it's too much and I want to cry but the tears don't come out when I need them. Sometimes the need to cry will hit me during bad moments, like when I'm talking to a coworker. I haven't let any tears out yet though. What is this? I hate the way it feels.
Do you want to be lied to?
*pat pat* Everything will be okay because we'll be dead :D
These thoughts always appear when something shitty happens to me. I want to find shelter in someone I can trust, but that person is not there anymore
I have other people in life, but I'm not comfortable being open with them about this, and the only person I find myself comfortable talking about this is always busy and can't reply way too often because of this.
Yesterday I was crossing the road, and some car that was speeding yelled at me "You're gonna end up dead like that, dead fuck"
I screamed at the car "I wish"
And truthfully, I wish I was dead
My depression and loneliness hurts more
Let's die together, sushi roll
I wish I was never shown what kindness, tenderness, and care were.
After getting this, I have been constantly searching for it and in return I only got betrayals, backstabbing and deceit.
No, I was not happy being a bitter man, resentful against society for things he'd never have like an SO or friends to rely on, but I was blissful in this belief that I'd only have myself.
If I was never shown that facet of life, I could have kept going.
Now after that I just got into a deeper pit that the one i was before. Imageboards are unbearable to me now, but the people I talk to on the internet just fade away at best, take advantage of me at worst.
In the constant search of people to be with, I got burned.
I just don't know what to do anymore. No friends because the ones i had before broke my trust, no SO because I'm repulsive as hell, and with my mother dying last year I just got trapped into this house forever.
I'll never reach my happy ending. I used to believe I would, but I think i just don't wanna fight back anymore. No more reason to.
I'll just become the same as my dad. Abandoned, forfeited, despised and ignored forever
>>4183> Imageboards are unbearable to me now
Same. That shit that is being posted on imageboards nowadays… I don't want misogyny, misandry, racism, politics, porn and memes. All while some actual discussions are going on, but without having to read stuff about my wife/children/girlfriend and also how to get girlfriend, virgin, blah blah blah. Shit is fucked. Aplying all of that I conclude I should just fuck off already. Thank you for reading, fgt.