Probably because you got it off your chest and you're trying not to let it back in
I don't know where to start with it all. My mind has become a mess. I wish I was dead but I'd never kill myself because I don't want to hurt my family. I met my Dad for the first time a little over a year ago, and the thought of him learning that I committed suicide is enough to stave off making an attempt. It's not stopping my thoughts though. I don't know what I'm doing anymore with my life either. I just want guidance and no one can give it to me. I could stay in the military where I've been hating my life because of awful leadership and hope it'll get better one day. Or I can get out and live with my Dad before going to college and hoping I actually enjoy college and manage to live a good life afterwards. If I get out I'll lose the friends I've made over the years. At the same time I'm still not even sure they're actually my friends because no one ever talks to me outside of work unless I force my way into their lives. Then there's my awful love life where the only dating I've done is online only. I'm hung up on people that I'll never get another chance with and can't get them out of my head. A few months ago, one of the guys I call a friend convinced me to lose my firsts to a random woman on tinder. I've been in a downward spiral of hopelessness since that. It was my first time holding hands, hugging, cuddling, kissing, having sex, all in one night and I can barely remember how any of it went. By the end of the night I just felt like it was a waste of time and the entire ordeal felt pointless to care about. Now I just feel dirty and regretful but also upset that everyone (myself included) made such a fuss over all this just for it to feel lackluster. I lost any drive to try harder in life. I've been living my life so far with a goal of trying to be secure for a family I love. Now I feel lost. I've never dated anyone in real life, always people over discord. I even swore that off for two years in an attempt to try harder with finding love in real life. I know what I miss from all that is the feeling of being able to do anything when it feels like someone loves and supports you. I know I'm acting all "woe is me" with this and the advice I've seen before is "don't do things to try to find love, just be yourself and you'll find someone along the way." It's too hard to convince myself to get out of bed to get food from my kitchen, how do I convince myself to do things for myself. I want to stop being a little friendly lady about it all. Sex is lame, I've never experienced real love in person but online it seemed so nice. I want to hear it again. I'm not sure what to do anymore. I've lost every motivation to try for anything. Work? Family? College? Love? Knowledge? I'm going through the motions and hoping it'll eventually sort itself out. But right now it's too much and I want to cry but the tears don't come out when I need them. Sometimes the need to cry will hit me during bad moments, like when I'm talking to a coworker. I haven't let any tears out yet though. What is this? I hate the way it feels.
Do you want to be lied to?
*pat pat* Everything will be okay because we'll be dead :D
These thoughts always appear when something shitty happens to me. I want to find shelter in someone I can trust, but that person is not there anymore
I have other people in life, but I'm not comfortable being open with them about this, and the only person I find myself comfortable talking about this is always busy and can't reply way too often because of this.
Yesterday I was crossing the road, and some car that was speeding yelled at me "You're gonna end up dead like that, dead fuck"
I screamed at the car "I wish"
And truthfully, I wish I was dead
My depression and loneliness hurts more
Let's die together, sushi roll
I wish I was never shown what kindness, tenderness, and care were.
After getting this, I have been constantly searching for it and in return I only got betrayals, backstabbing and deceit.
No, I was not happy being a bitter man, resentful against society for things he'd never have like an SO or friends to rely on, but I was blissful in this belief that I'd only have myself.
If I was never shown that facet of life, I could have kept going.
Now after that I just got into a deeper pit that the one i was before. Imageboards are unbearable to me now, but the people I talk to on the internet just fade away at best, take advantage of me at worst.
In the constant search of people to be with, I got burned.
I just don't know what to do anymore. No friends because the ones i had before broke my trust, no SO because I'm repulsive as hell, and with my mother dying last year I just got trapped into this house forever.
I'll never reach my happy ending. I used to believe I would, but I think i just don't wanna fight back anymore. No more reason to.
I'll just become the same as my dad. Abandoned, forfeited, despised and ignored forever
>>4183> Imageboards are unbearable to me now
Same. That shit that is being posted on imageboards nowadays… I don't want misogyny, misandry, racism, politics, porn and memes. All while some actual discussions are going on, but without having to read stuff about my wife/children/girlfriend and also how to get girlfriend, virgin, blah blah blah. Shit is fucked. Aplying all of that I conclude I should just fuck off already. Thank you for reading, fgt.
There are many reasons why this might be the case. Marriage customs can be very restrictive about brother-sister relationships after the sister's marriage, or there might even be a subjacent social pressure on the brother to marry before the sister, specially if she's older. I heard that in china, for example, older sisters are expected to assist their brothers to find marriage partners and play a role in the upkeep of the house and early tasks in their brothers' newlywed lives. In return, the younger sibling will find a suitable man to marry their chinese older sister.
It's easy to imagine that these types of social pressures would make the younger brother feel unease in many ways, and for you to wish to escape these social pressures, either physically by moving away from the country or simply by having another country come to you, in the sense of deciding to have a foreigner marry your sexy chinese older sister.
By the way, just so you know. Personally, although I am privy to these details, I'm open to operating on whatever cultural setting would most please my future family. Whether she prefers to wear a short cheongsam or ornate parisian lace lingerie, I'm fine with either. Such details are not a deal-breaker for me.
Are you willing to make the sacrifice of making all the sushis here cry so they can achieve peak happiness in life after.
I'd like to be the source of someone's happiness for once though
Just gotta cure the sad and psychotic thought
now open paint and draw me a green heart with the letter "k" in it
thanks sushi roll
that made me smile
im glad that you are glad
im glad that you are glad that i am glad about you being glad
but for the greater good? who knows
want to be glad somewhere else btw
I feel you so hard, sushi. Since years I am nostalgic for my school time, even though my school time was horrible. No matter which school I attended and which grade, it was awful. Bullying, teachers who played favorites, classmates who made the lessions a circus, subjecs that I had no interest in forced upon me, people who I considered friends turning on me. It was hell. Nonetheless I miss it. It's still more pleasant than suffering through work. Not only did I have more free time each day, there were also more holidays, no bills to pay, no houswork.
Fuck, accidentely posted before spell checking. English is not my native language, sorry.
Self-hatred. Seeing flaws in your self yet hating your self enough to convince you it is what it is. Hating that those flaws are self inflicted. Your feelings are undeserved! You never suffered, not really. You should hate your self for feeling like that. Feels like a cancerous acid on your brain, yeah?
I do not know how to escape these types of cycles. I'm too scared to use the exit bag I made.
Negative thoughts are a bit of a downward spiral. Dwell too much in them and then you'll get fucked in the ass.
But you can make things better, once you realize what is pulling you down, and then acting accordingly
that's hard. But if you are going to live together then I don't see point in staying angry. Can you forgive him and move on? He isn't going to live forever.
We did make peace the day after, it's not easy with some people but we live under the same roof, we can't conspire against each other
25 is honestly still really young in the grand scheme of things. The idea that people lose their value as they age is a social construct, not a truth. You can do whatever you want– every day is a new day.
Go out and make new memories sushi. I'm sure your dad wants good things for you too.
Yea 26 is when things turned around for me, never give up!
I just hope this "moving the age down the road" isn't something that just keeps going down the line. 2 years are little time.
But, I will not deny that I am doing my best to get out of this rut.
Also, it doesn't help that even if I wanted to do things outside, I gotta manage things from college too.
No one can say for sure how your life will go. I can't, I wish I could, but I can't. I can't promise that things will get better, but I can promise that trying is worth it. Even if it's just for the personal satisfaction of having tried, never give up.
cliche answer, but therapy is a good starting point.your image is very unsettling
Also, i kinda have the opposite issue. If I really like someone chances are I'll just vanish, used to believe I was a very harmful and damaging person. So to avoid hurting those I like the most I'd vanish.
I am doing my best to fix this.
Eventually, I got hurt badly from my rude behaviour, and this lead to me being humbled.
So I guess your solution may be to eventually be humbled.
Or therapy, you choose.
i tried counselling but would like to try something more structured yeah. finding good mental health professionals i can afford is hard. vanishing is appealing but i am too addicted to attention to do it. i have known other vanishers too… try to know that your friends love you and want you around
that's the spirit! now if it were that easy…
Whenever I have tried to be with people I always feel so out of place, I don't enjoy it. I enjoy a lot more being on my own.
I've been waiting for someone else to notice lol
it is so funny
saw a person commenting about how sushi was faster than ever
it is all actually this one guy spamming this site to death
I feel bad for you all
to be fair, he did post that when there was a weird influx from some other site. but yes it is comically easy to tell when some people are posting over and over again.
I don't mind the small community feel at all, but I do miss when people were more serious about posting about more positive things
About a year ago I "finished" my degree and almost straight after that I got my dream job in the city I've always wanted to live in, made a ton of friends down here and found a really lovely house with cool housemates. I had space for car hobby so I got a new project I was excited to work on, had space for other indoors stuff I liked to do plus got out to see friends regularly enough. My friend from where I used to live for uni became my gf, then moved into my sharehouse and we were really comfy together although I maybe saw less of my friends.
Ffw to today, I suck shit at my job & feel like brain has been turning to mush, can't even remember how to do basic shit most of the time. I've been constantly stressed the fuck out (or sometimes just stupidly happy and bouncy & ignoring everything important) I'm constantly snapping at my gf and just in general being a horrible person to her. I feel like I rarely see my friends and almost never go out, at least nowhere near as much as I'd like to. Project car is basically the same as it was last year, just now I've moved into a place where I won't really have space to work on it.
I'm also apparently terrible at money management, on a 70k salary I've managed to save $0. Last month has been a total nightmare since I spent a whole paycheck on bond and rent and had nothing to survive on since I get paid monthly.
Everything is perfect for me, apparently I just suck at everything
Going to go n ride into a wall or something,cya
Updating these posts I wrote a few months ago in the last personal problems thread to write a little book review. I realise that those posts are a massive wall of text, so the tl;dr is essentially that I was addicted to talking to myself through an extremely autistic form of roleplay-writing I dubbed "TfT". I thought that posting about it would maybe help me, but it didn't do anything, although I appreciate the sushi who replied to me.
Anyway, two months ago I was able to quit this addiction in literal hours thanks to a book I picked up at random called "Smart Phone, Dumb Phone" by John Dicey. It's supposed to be an application of a quitting smoking method called "easyway" onto smartphone addiction. The tone of the book is very suspicious and it reads like an MLM scam or something. I'm not sure I can recommend it for other sushis struggling with tech addiction, though it was very effective for me for this specific problem.
Essentially, the crux of the method is realising that addiction causes you to confuse the relief of ending withdrawal with pleasure, and the trick to quitting is dismantling the mental rationalisations you've developed to convince yourself otherwise. Summarising it like that makes it sound fairly obvious, but I think the presentation is a big part of it. It also has a lot to do with your own attitude and this is why I think the method is hit or miss. If you can correctly identify and deconstruct these rationalisations, then I think it's very effective, but whereas I had instant success with TfT, I have tried unsuccessfully to apply this to my desire to quit eating junk food and stop using my computer. It requires a lot of careful introspection.
Unfortunately, my life has not improved at all without TfT and in most respects has gotten worse. The anti-climactic ending was bad for my confidence and I'm too afraid of relapsing to take pride in what I've accomplished. Whereas I used to be able to tell myself "right, I was writing TfT all day today" before going to bed, I now have genuinely no idea what I do all day on the computer. I did things like watch anime and study chess during the first week without TfT, but now I don't even do that.
Maybe I will feel better if I actually get off the computer, but unfortunately it's a more difficult problem to deal with than TfT was. I will have to dig deeper to solve this one.
Huh, read your posts and the situation is eerily familiar. I've kept a diary on my computer since ~2017 and written 1.5M+ words since then. It's pretty addicting to yell into the void instead of writing things that have to be read & judged by other people.
Very indirectly, I guess it has helped me figure out what I really want to do in life, which in turn has led to me spending less time on the computer overall. It's hard to let go, but if things go well I should be able to knock it within a few months…
Seems I missed the end of that thread and thus your posts. Reading them now it seems like a more extreme form of my "mental conversations" which I've been doing for so long as I don't even know when it started. Essentially revisiting and continuing conversations I've had earlier, or envisioning ones which I anticipate to have in the future, but all in my head. This is problematic because I tend to go in circles with very little progress being made because I'll think of a better way to convey something, or another point I'd like to incorporate, so I start over like a broken record. It would often happen when I was trying to go to sleep, causing me to not be able to fall fully asleep, but rather go into some kind of low-power kind of mode where my brain keeps going in circles for an hour or more while tuning out repetitive external stimulus.
Once I started visiting imageboards, this tendency also translated into "mental posting" where I'll rehearse post ideas or responses while showering or working. It became especially problematic at work because of the political goings-on in the US the last few years. My job is fairly mindless, and my brain needs stimulation. Since I work by myself, the stimulation came from my own thoughts, which tended to circle back to the various things I was anxious about, and I would imagine these grandiose posts that would bring people to their senses and have a massive ripple effect in creating a better world. Or I'd imagine writing the perfect dressing-down post to finally send a pesky troll packing for good. But I wasn't really planning for creating these posts, I was just imagining normal words having undue impact, all the while knowing I'm not a great writer and even if I was some copypasta on some random imageboard isn't going to blow up the whole internet the way I'm imagining, and the troll is basically winning if I spend so much time thinking about how to put him in his place. It got really depressing and made me hate my job. It got better when I started listening to music at work, but it still happens when I'm in the shower or doing other things that don't require much focus.
It likely stems from a combination of autism, dysgraphia, and being ironically gifted with spelling.
It's interesting that English apparently isn't your native tongue, because your written English is about as perfect as I've seen from anyone who wasn't writing professionally. Do you usually draft posts in a word processor like in the TfT screenshot?
This past year I've been extremely lonely, isolated, and bored. I act cold to everyone despite wanting to make friends, I'm weird, my social anxiety has skyrocketed, I have no one to talk to, and I've become paranoid. Due to my circumstances I've always been isolated to a degree, but it was never as bad as now, because I usually had someone to at least talk to. Now I have nobody, not even internet friends. My life isn't going the way I want it to go either, I'm failing at most of my pursuits. I don't know where to go from here. I'm not entirely pessimistic about the future, but I'm not sure if I can get out of this slump any time soon. I want to say it's gonna get better over time like I always used to, but I've been enduring a disturbing amount of suicidal thoughts and crying over the smallest things recently. I feel like I'm just not adapting to the world around me at all. I'm not even sure whether I should desire being in a community or whether I should embrace being alone, because I don't know if desire and the fulfillment of desire in general is something that will bring me happiness.
My life is in such a weird place right now.
The night before this one was weird.
My beer-induced day nap lasted till 3 AM, but that's not the point.
The point is in what was after.
The afterimages of whatever I was dreaming about before I woke up.
The memories of an earlier dream about the town I grew up in.
Made my thinking drift to the memories of sins that I committed at that time and of pain that I brought into this world.
Remembering it all, event by event. Although, not really. My memory is not that good.
I did bad things for stupid reasons. Out of arrogance and out of spite.
I realize now that I was a bully in my own way, mostly unlike the classmate who threatened to knock my teeth out.
That teacher, my behavior was quite ill to her. But I really, truly hated the unending supply of long essays for homework she'd been spamming us with. And so I found my ways to annoy her deeply.
In fact, what else should one expect? Forcing ≈11-year-old children to sit at a desk doing dull things for 8 hours a day 5 or 6 days a week. Of course, at least some of them will be spiteful and easy to anger, trying to make their time being fun, each in their own way.
It is also no wonder that we weren't getting along all that well, me and my classmates. Almost all of them were a year older than me, and so were taller and stronger. I naturally saw them as a threat to be wary of, and they saw me as a nerdy weakling.
When it came to STEM-related subjects, I was considerably better than most of them, if not at the top. And so I used that as a way to assert status and to vent out whatever "anger"' and "frustration" I had within me. Which probably looked ridiculous and retarded. Sometimes it totally did.
It's a wonder that I came out of that school without a single fight. My time in that school ended with me being homeschooled for a year. After that, I went for a school in another city where things were quite different.
Now that I have this written, I think I'm exaggerating things. Perhaps, greatly. We did have fun playing and laughing together, me and my classmates. Especially in the earlier days. There were two girls who liked me, at least as a friend. So, it wasn't all bad, definitely. But it was bad enough for some (baseless) spite towards normal people to appear within me, and it took several years for it to die out.
Is it weird to recall your childhood so attentively? I guess a normal person wouldn't spend his 5 remaining hours of the night doing it the way I did. Why bother yourself with reflecting on the past that's irrelevant to what you do and have to do now?
In fact, I don't usually do that either, although these memories of me being an asshole seldom resurface in my head. I wish I could ask for forgiveness whenever that happens. But it would just become a yet another memory of me being a clown if I were to find people from long ago and contact them for that purpose, wouldn't it? And so, my life goes on. Now it is my sloth that hurts and withers people.
Now my little sister is engaged to be married early next year. One of my younger cousins is getting married next month. And I've never even been in a real relationship.
Closest I got was pseudo-dating a friend in high school, but the only thing we did was go to a concert, but I actually paid for her ticket and another friend's too. The thing is, I would've paid for her ticket whether we were "dating" or not because I knew it was the only way she'd be able to go and I didn't want to go to a concert without my friends.
So far my loneliness is a feeling I've been able to largely ignore because everyone else in my family was living similarly, mainly because I'm the oldest. But now it's beginning to squeeze my bubble of comfortable indifference.
I remember when the song "High School Never Ends" came out, I was in high school and thinking that the comparisons of all those celebrities to various high school stereotypes was spot-on. I heard it again tonight and realized that, on a macro level it's true because the media pushes these eye-catching yet ultimately inconsequential trivialities because drama gets views and views get money, but on a micro level, it doesn't really hold up because most individuals do change and evolve. I just happen to be one of the unfortunate exceptions. Besides expanding my musical palette in the last few years, all my other interests and priorities were cemented within 5 years of graduation and have remained fixed for the last decade.
I took time off last week and interrupted my circadian rhythm in order to attend a family reunion which I haven't been to in several years, and despite sitting next to my closest cousin during the meal, we barely spoke for 3 minutes. Of course I'd begun to notice our priorities diverging even before I started missing reunions because of my job, but it wasn't until now that it really hit me that I can't relate to his life experiences at all anymore.
Also, last time I rebooted my computer I got a notice from Steam warning me that it's going to stop working later this year because I've got Windows 7, which means that last tenuous thread to the one person I still consider an irl friend, despite our physical distance and mutual silence, will soon be severed as well.
I had an extremely bad mental health day today.
I woke up at 1 PM with only a few hours of sleep (maybe like 5 or 6?). I attempted to fall back asleep but every time I'd end up waking up right away after having deeply unsettling nightmares.
This all left me drained, so I couldn't get out of bed. Eventually at 4 PM my mom showed up to tell me she was leaving, and I should get breakfast. We had a small fight bc I begged her to wash her dishes after using them bc this is fucking with my ability to get fed.
After that I stayed in bed for a few more hours until my mood started getting really weird. I started crying uncontrollably, and after a few minutes of that I got up from my bed and started beating myself up. mostly punching my head and legs, as well as biting my arms. After I realized what I was doing I stopped and instead started breathing heavily, in a panic.
I did this all again 2 or 3 times before I finally managed to get dressed and try and eat a proper breakfast. During the whole ordeal I was feeling very off. my movement was very slow, my breathing a bit weird, and I was still very unstable. Simple sounds like bags crinkling or dogs barking would set me off to panic again, while fucking things up (for example by dropping something) would set me crying again. I'd also start making weird noises whenever either of these happened, which despite my efforts I didn't have much control over.
After eating I spent some time cooling down, which did work. But now I'm just thinking about the after effects of all this.
My body still hurts a lot, it's making it hard to sleep. And the whole thing has me deeply worried. I have a feeling this might be a symptom of some mental illness, and knowing my family's history with it, I know for a fact that I cannot tell anyone that this ever happened. I'm afraid this could get me forcefully sent to a mental health center if it ever comes out.
I have no one else to talk this kind of things with and it's eating me up alive. The few friends I have have grown tired of hearing me vent and now just ignore me, and my partner doesn't really want to know about anything in regards to me self harming. I'm all alone and I'm really feeling that
If it's primarily the chat that's a problem to lose, I think there's a steam chat plugin for pidgin
Though I'd really consider upgrading or moving to linux if I were you. Wouldn't feel safe using win7 on an online machine given the lack of security updates
I am trying my best to let go of what is admittedly a justified hatred of someone who wronged me deeply and who I failed to properly cut out of my life. It resulted in then coming back each time I got close to healing and reopening the sutures. I want to reach out and really let loose, tell them all the awful things I want to say. I just know that even thinking about it isn unproductive, that wishing unhappiness on someone is relfecting back upon myself, regardless of how much they deserve it. I write out my hatred, and it ebbs away. I try and think about how intrinsic character flaws will lead to misery one way or another. I keep finding myself indulging my vices, my inner voice pushing me towards this misery and keeping me trapped in this loop of vice-nothing.
How do you truly forgive someone who doesn't deserve it?
Do I need to kill my vice before? Or is it that I need to let go of all of it at once?
I am working on myself where I can, I have signed up for things to force the issue for myself, but for now I'm in this pit of impatience and hate.
You can access Steam's Chat through any web browser.https://steamcommunity.com/chat/
Oh man, sushis. I'm doin' my best out here, but it's not easy. I have good friends, a loving boyfriend, and I'm finally on transparent, good terms with my family. But I feel my anxiety controlling me. It's like there's this deep, dark pit in my chest and I keep slipping into it. It's physically there, yet it's also something I invented in my head? I want to be "succeeding" so bad, and I know I can do it, but this illness keeps telling me, "you're in danger, you're in danger! everything is wrong. run!"
It's only the first day of the new semester of school. I guess I need to find a therapist.
It is always going to be there, it seems. Take it one day at a time, count your blessings and enjoy those things you got, you got them because somehow you earned them even if you don't believe it. You are well aware that they may not be there tomorrow, everything is impermanent, life is fluctuating in nature. Nothing is ever perfect, anyway; what you do is enjoy what you can enjoy at the moment, and meanwhile do your best in doing what you have to do where you must so you can have what you need to face the times ahead, whether they are good or bad. Whatever it all turns out to be in the end there's no point worrying about it now. You do you and let things unfold and handle them as gracefully as you can, nothing ever turns out the way we expect it to, we can't control the fuure, and we are never fully prepared. Keep this in mind but don't let it get to you, make it a point to enjoy what you can.
The uneasy feelings will remain, I think it's better to let them in and observe them and soothe them so they don't end up eating you inside.
Take care of those close to you, and let them go when they no longer make you happy. Don't cling to things, if you are blessed now, you can be blessed again.
I believe in you sushi!
Thanks for the reply, sushi. Don't have much to say– this was really the perfect response.
I believe in you too :)
Well, what a coincidence… he broke up with me today, haha… man. Over a year… agh, I really loved him.
I’ll remember this. “You can be blessed again.” I’m doin’ okay! One day at a time.