[ kaitensushi ] [ lounge / arcade / kawaii / kitchen / tunes / culture / silicon ] [ otaku ] [ yakuza ] [ hell ] [ ? / chat ] [ lewd / uboa ] [ x ]

/hell/ - internet death cult

Password (For file deletion.)

• Files Supported: webm, swf, flv, mkv, mp4, torrent, 7z, zip, pdf, epub, & mobi.
• Embeds Supported: youtube, vimeo, dailymotion, metacafe, & vocaroo.
• Max. post size is 10MB / 4 files.

Remember to keep it cozy!

A server move will likely be done in the near future to provide upgraded hardware. This could cause a few hours to a couple days of downtime.

File: 1553670289649.gif (189.12 KB, 400x400, silent_tears.gif)

 No.2034[Last 50 Posts]

Why are you sad? What are your troubles?


File: 1553708944155.jpg (150.15 KB, 538x785, a6d7c27d619f2f8808c897c9c5….jpg)

I'm conflicted. On one had this thread encourages the already rampant whining and blogging but on the other hand it might serve as containment.


>hurrdurr emotions are bad


too much hostility on this website tbh famalam


File: 1553762295767.jpg (100.96 KB, 960x540, 1392284647001.jpg)

I think I'm god, but I can't prove it.


Well that disproves it then right? God should be capable of anything, including proving it's own godliness.


File: 1553898195624.png (324.13 KB, 720x568, dankharuhi.png)

How do you prove that you are yourself when everone else is not?



A rotating wheel. Turning an axle. Grinding. Bolthead. Linear gearbox. Falling sky.

Seven holy stakes. A docked ship. A portal to another world. A thin rope tied to a

thick rope. A torn harness. Parabolic gearbox. Expanding universe. Time controlled

by slipping cogwheels. Existence of God. Swimming with open water in all directions.

Drowning. A prayer written in blood. A prayer written in time-devouring snakes with

human eyes. A thread connecting all living human eyes. A kaleidoscope of holy stakes.

Exponential gearbox. A sky of exploding stars. God disproving the existence of God. A

wheel rotating in six dimensions. Forty gears and a ticking clock. A clock that ticks

one second for every rotation of the planet. A clock that ticks forty times every time

it ticks every second time. A bolthead of holy stakes tied to the existence of a docked

ship to another world. A kaleidoscope of blood written in clocks. A time-devouring

prayer connecting a sky of forty gears and open human eyes in all directions.

Breathing gearbox. Breathing bolthead. Breathing ship. Breathing portal. Breathing

snakes. Breathing God. Breathing blood. Breathing holy stakes. Breathing human eyes.

Breathing time. Breathing prayer. Breathing sky. Breathing wheel.


based schizo poster


i may be developing some mental condition and im afraid my bf no longer enjoys talking to me


I cant breathe and every day i wake up in the same room and the feeling of waking up is crushing, nothing i do is enjoyable anymore. it used to be that i just tricked myself into not enjoying anything but now everything i used to enjoy is hollow and empty and i have a growing silence inside that makes it hard to hear anything, there are no productive tasks to do except for the ones i do on a regular basis, nothing new to do that will improve or make me happier. i my friends wont call me back because they are doing something else. i post long messages a short or dismissive response. people online ignored what I posted and I haven't activated the dopamine. Looking at vicious sights online of the pornography that makes the other sickos disgusted by me does not bring happiness. I want to feel strong emotion but I cannot. Even praying is difficult. Hugging my blankets doesnt feel good anymore. I'm not ugly, I am not disfigured. I'm sick of hearing my voice. I am living in unreality. My family hates me or shows me indifference. I need strong healthy community and lasting friendships, the food here is bad. We are running out. Fruit and vegetables, meat. Starch. Keeps me happy. Anything sweet or salty causes me to feel pain. It used to make me happy, does not anymore. Music gets older a lot faster. When . I work a job that I hate, nobody cares what I do. I hate what I do every day. I serve the novel fantasies of maangement. I am hiding from my friends. I am hiding from my family. Every post is recorded, alll my emails are compromised I feel (thtey are not) unless I have never used them before, then they are clean. I'm constantly planning my escape and how I can be safe. No one can be allowed to contact me, then I will feel safe. The less contacts the better, social media is bad. I don't use social media but when I look at it it has memes, self referential and bad. Sushi is beautiful, girls is beautiful. Don't want to live in unreality anymore. News is making me feel the wrong kind of violence inside. I don't use the cold on my shower anymore, I don't know if I am showering? sometimes I forget. the little hearts are really cute, I don't want to post anything about myself online, I want to delete all my professional profiles and be hidden. I want to destroy all my possesssions, I want to delete everything with my name on it. I look on my possessions with contempt and disgust, the less I own the better. I still have too much, I , , save things in places that only I can find, and that I cannot delete.


I talked to the admins and they won't delete what I've posted. I want to block my old friends. They are bad influences. They gossip to me, they send me bad things, by blocking out everything without, I can only hear the dissonence within. Doing the right thing doesnt feel good anymore, doing the wrong thing never felt good. Waking up is getting really, really difficult. I think I'm always being watched but I'm not paranoid. I used to go online but I was the fool to everyone else. I played retarded so long that I actually became retarded. I don't know if I'm in on the joke anymore. I don't know who I am laughing with. I had some work that I did solely to get applause online, no one clapped. No one really cared enough. I needed a lot, a lot of validation and I didn't get it. I gave up.I feel deeply unsafe in my head, online, and in real life. I am more and more afraid to be seen. I try not to be seen at all. I don't like to eat a lot of meals, I have been avoiding eating or drinking. Sleep is bad but ssomehow I've been worse. Because I am working so I have to sleep. Sometimes I sleep during meetings. Please do not contact me. If you know who I am and you read this, DO NOT CONTACT ME. DO NOT BROWSE THIS WEBSITE. DO NOT BROWSE THIS WEBSITE. DO NOT FOLLOW ME ONLINE. DO NOT COME IN. YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED HERE, YOU CANNOT COME HERE. I do not want to be seen, I do not want to be followed. I stare hammers. The first sushi, doesn't look real. First from the top. I will repeat once again before I go into this: DO NOT CONTACT ME IF YOU KNOW WHO I AM. DO NOT CONTACT ME. DO NOT CONTACT ME. Every document has a paper trail. I don't want to be tracked down, here. If you talk to me, give me everything in written communication, I will respond in unrecorded voice. I will archive your responses and say as little as possible myself. I will ask questions and give you nothing. When the police came, I didn't ask anything, I did give information, It was nothing. S(he) was fine. In line with deletion, I want to delete (most of) all of my memories. I hate remembering things about my life so far. I have no saved photographs of myself, except one so I can show what haircut I want, another for professional, another has an avatar. If you forget your memories, you're not responsible for them anymore. I have a lot of guilt. I wasn't sexually abused because I said yes. Every single time. I try to get rid of my happy memories too because I might remember something bad. That's why I don't take pictures. They say my voice is robotic. I'm not all for productivity. I know I need to do something in life, I do a few things, but I don't enjoy them very much. Fruit, vegetables, these are fine. I do have a small garden, it's not really mine. I don't want to say any more about that. Repeating a third time, DO NOT CONTACT ME. YOU DO NOT KNOW WHO I AM. I will divulge one memory, but I won't write it here. It makes me wonder for mystery. Cut everyone off. Don't call me stupid. I remember every time you call me something wrong. You say it as a teasing and healthy joke, I think? You apologize for it later. I have the receipts, I can prove it. I laughed too but it keeps hurting more. DO NOT FIND ME. I don't want to read this. My life goal: a long, repeated note that plays until it stops. I will accept any length of life. Human chanting is the highest form of music. There are very few tones and it goes on in a simple call and response. The words spoken are true and sure. I wish for my life to be like a chant, that goes on serenely even if I feel bad. I don't care if I become strong or proficent at anything. Don't find me, don't find this place. I remember what i say. Try writing this yourself, you can't do it. You are beautiful too. You're worth loving. You are beautiful and unique. Be stilll. I love you, .


File: 1593889960837.jpg (348.95 KB, 1200x900, 16A7390BEDE0B690D81559A80B….jpg)

Nope that assumes the omnipotency of an Abrahamic god. I could totally be a god of procrastination and laziness. Read these


Surely we don't want to become another facebook or twitter?
If you were a god you would be able to prove it somehow. Prove of a god is what makes someone a god, otherwise you aren't. If you can't prove it then you have no power, unless you forget that you are a god, or somehow cease to be a god for a limited time.
If someone cares about you enough to stalk you then you can rest peacefully knowing that you are loved.
Sometimes I want to run away from it all and go live in the woods somewhere


>If someone cares about you enough to stalk you then you can rest peacefully knowing that you are loved.
That, or you're under investigation for committing internet crimes.


Anyone else experiencing troubles with their food?

I lost my appetite during a depression I had last year and lost 8kg because of it. I don't feel hunger that often anymore, and when I do I get full with a very small portion. And I experience a stomachache each week.

What should I do?


I'm not sad, I'm just angry


Maybe something in your diet is triggering your problems?


Do you feel hungry once you start eating? If you haven't eaten for a long time (like when you've just woken up) you'll stop feeling hungry because you obviously don't have food on you and suffering won't help you catch a buffalo. Maybe going hungry for a long time reduced your time to not hungry somehow. I know this sounds like the most obvious shit ever, but if you're not already then my genuine advice is to eat at least 2 healthy, good sized meals every day even when you're not hungry.


That might very well be a possibility. I think I'll start journaling about what I eat and try to find a pattern. Thank you for pointing it!

>Do you feel hungry once you start eating?
I don't, some days I go the whole day without feeling hunger.

>my genuine advice is to eat at least 2 healthy, good sized meals every day even when you're not hungry

Yes, I try to do that. I stopped losing weight since I started "forcing" myself to eat. But sometimes it's difficult to do it when I'm having one of those stomachaches…


File: 1595266338036.jpg (188.5 KB, 1920x1080, 157612319807.jpg)

Uhhh.. yeah.
I used to have dreams about having sex with my sister a couple of months ago. Yeah I know I'm scum and it made me feel pretty shitty and I just sort of avoided her for a while. I want to think that dream's a dream and they don't have to make sense but I just can't get this idea out of my head that it might be wish fulfillment as well. I don't want to think about this too much.


As I get older going out with friends is still just as fun as ever, but for a while now I've gotten a real sense of melancholy about it whenever I head home and go to sleep. I think it has to do with how, despite my age, I feel like I haven't "moved" as a person since I was a teenager. It seems the world and the people I know in it have all pulled ahead of me, and it's only a matter of time before I'm too far behind to catch up.


If you don't find yourself rejuvenated talking to these people then it may be worth wondering whether hanging out is worth the time.


I'm lonely and sad and I hate myself, and I deserve it all because I no longer care to try and change it.



Thanks for sharing that. There's something cathartic about listening to songs that speak about how you're feeling.


A theory I have is you will always be lonely, even around others, when you don't like yourself anymore.
After being physically alone for half a year, clinging onto "life-support" of talking online with friends and others, this is what I've found. It's a long road ahead. Maybe I'm wrong.
But I'm cheering for you. Please try again!
And if you figure it out, help me out :)


I've got a lot of things going on, but the main thing that hurts the most at the moment is that my little sister puts no effort into talking to me. The only time she really does is when I initiate it and even then it seems to take her days to respond even when I see that she's online. We don't live together and live in different, but close, towns. The only real way I get to interact with her is through Facebook. I would move mountains for that girl, I would gladly sacrifice everything for her but she doesn't seem to care or even think about me. I'm stuck living with my grandparents due to financial reasons and difficulty with getting a job, she rings my grandma frequently to talk but that's it.
Our mum raised me to see the three of us as a team and when she died I was hoping my sister would keep in touch with me, I expected her to actually go out of her way to talk to me as well and not have it be one sided. I can't talk to anyone in real life about it since people in my family always gave the impression that they never took my feelings seriously.
I'm starting a course in September that should hopefully help me land a job as an orderly or something similar to that. My plan is to get a job somewhere else and just gradually lose contact with my family at this point. Of the two people that kept me grounded, one is dead and the other doesn't seem to care so there's no point in staying and being here is only making me stew in my misery. I don't know what else to say so I'll stop here.


If it gives you any solace, as the younger sibling it's really easy to take things for granted.
Life moves quickly around you and you're just okay with it, you don't have much of a choice…
until you realize you need to be a part of it to keep going.



Thanks for the post and the new band.


File: 1595724974565.jpg (38.83 KB, 488x488, whatyouwillwantoteatsomeda….jpg)

A cool premise is how there's always a moment to give toward the new-one-else that'll warp into a narrative that, although it may turn into something you will jam deep into an unconscious corner, there's still, well… maybe one of these moments will continue long enough to have a seat front and center on conscious-central, and you don't mind the billboard space it may take up.
Sometimes it's easy to resent all of the attention you've given to body-bags-of-flesh in the past but! the best thing to remember is you aren't the same person anymore.
I sometimes wish a way to write it all off though.
I'm really hating how much time I've given to others who aren't worth even the salt-sweat of the new-one-elses' out there.

I wouldn't mind a big cornedbeef hash bowl with ketchup to sweeten.
Saw some images had eggs, that's smart.
Yolk and ketchup is incompatible though.

No problem, hope you feel better.


I was a really lazy shit in high school and just went to a community college for a few semesters, continued my lazy shit lifestyle, wound up falling into a routine of getting stoned and drunk everyday and took a few years off of school, started going back to uni last year but struggled in my second semester back, was going stoned to class all the time and really just not taking it seriously enough, which being made to switch to online zoom classes really didn't help. Now it's summer break and I've sobered up, stopped hanging around with my old social group thinking I'd have less distractions and opportunities to fall back into bad habits, but the thing is now I just have to pass time on the internet alone until the later half of August when classes start back up. So I have all this energy and motivation to get a degree and start moving up in the world but nothing to really put it toward for a while


I don't mean to accuse you here, but do you actually have a proper conversation with her or do you talk AT her? I have older siblings that reach out all the time, but it's a drag to talk with them I don't even try anymore. I never initiate anything with them or put effort into thoughtful responses because they always gloss over what I say, never properly listen or respond, and so on. My whole family does this to everyone actually, and it seems to be quite a common thing when I watch other people talk. If you actually properly listen and respond to what she says then I don't know what her problem is.


File: 1596062028273-0.png (227.36 KB, 894x456, dainana life 1.png)

File: 1596062028273-1.png (272.54 KB, 568x509, dainana life 2.png)

I vow to make my everyday life as varied as possible once the new semester starts.
Until then, it's two months spent at home, idling day and night.


This sounds like a bad idea. The reason new years resolutions notoriously fail is because a special start date is only inspiration, not motivation. I've done this kind of thing and I always returned to old habits after a couple of days. Honestly it sounds more like an excuse to feel fine doing nothing. My advice is to act now rather than waiting for life to happen to you.


Uni is hard! Use the time to study ahead for sure.


File: 1596114252143.gif (256.93 KB, 640x480, rei bored.gif)

All my successive summer plans had to be repeatedly cancelled due to the pandemic, everything's closed down again, and I'm stuck in my small town without cousins or friends since we're back on lockdown. I've literally got nothing but my computer right now.
The reason I'm waiting for September is because that's when I'm back in my (abroad) uni town, and I can't afford to miss my plane for that by getting stuck somewhere or catching the 'rona.

You're right, though, I should probably start at the lowest level I can right now – shifting my internet habits.


I understand where you're coming from. I try to ask her about her day, what her plans are and other things to try and avoid a yes/no answer kind of situation. I don't actually initiate conversations to just talk about myself but rather try to get her to start talking to me and open up more. We've been fairly distant for quite a few years now and I've been trying to figure out what kinds of interests she has now compared to when she was younger since I also understand that she'll obviously not be into the same sort of things as when she was a kid. I used to do things like send youtube videos of songs I'm into to get an idea of her taste in music and ask her about her opinion on what I share with her and ask her to share some of her musical tastes back with me. Last time I talked to her was to show her a Moshi Monsters DS game that was being sold on Ebay while I was on there looking at DS games to buy myself, joking with her that I'll get that for her. I also do understand that I'm a really awkward person but I've tried getting across to her that I miss her and want to hang out with her without being too heavy handed and pathetic about it as well. At one point she was talking about us renting a house together to live in and while I was looking at houses for rent in our town and showing her all I'd get were messages back like "that's a nice house". One day I showed my grandma a couple houses that the two of us could rent just for my grandma to tell me that my sister had already gotten a house of her own to rent and stay in, something that had happened almost a fortnight earlier and I was never told about.
I don't know man, maybe what you said is right and I've fucked up, but I've tried with her and since making that post I am feeling better so I might keep trying with her. I really don't want to lose her.


It sounds like you actually put effort and care into talking to her, so I'm not sure what the actual problem is. I was reading your old post again and was thinking about how you were saying you, your sister, and your mother used to be a team, but after her death you grew apart? Maybe she finds it painful to talk to you because it brings up bad memories? Usually after tragic events like that people tend to either cling or distance themselves. Then again, I really have no idea and I may be putting words in her mouth. Honestly I think you should try asking her directly if you haven't already. Be like "hey, it feels like we've grown apart, can we have a serious talk about this? is there anything I can do to make things better?"

In the meantime don't be too hard on yourself. You're doing all you can


I regret moving away from my family over two years ago. I think certain psychological flaws once manageable were laid bare in the change of environment/dynamic. I thought all I needed was time to turn things around – and indeed I believe I've figured some things out – but ultimately it seems I'm worse off. I regret not getting help sooner; I've never trusted psychologists, but I think I needed some kind of leverage in my situation that simply isn't organically available from those around me. It makes me sad how long this has gone on and that I'm just barely starting to pick up the pieces (hopefully).


Corona came and fucked everything up. I was improving, made a social circle, and then the lockdown came and my social skills atrophied. Lost many of the friends I made because they moved back to their countries and/or lost touch because of time or because I fucked things up. It's a slap in the face when I see stuff like people talking about mental illness and how suicide rates are up because of Covid, and I cannot tell anyone about my depression because I know it's counterproductive. People don't care; they treat you walking on eggshells at first and get tired of it and leave. Your best bet is to just hide your mental fuckededness


File: 1598081074661.jpg (289.94 KB, 1360x988, Aubrey_Beardsley_-_Pierrot….jpg)

I admitted betrayal to a girl I loved and haven't come up with a proper response after breaking her heart. I've already spent weeks writing drafts I never send and feeling remorse for what I did. Even before this I've done nothing but hurt her more and more with my behavior, making her feel smaller and emptier. She was guilty of loving me despite all my faults, lost in trying to please someone that could never appreciate it. I feel it'd be worse to reach out again after such a long period of silence. Anything that I'd write would be pointless, wouldn't it? What do I even say? It feels like any sort of interaction directed to her would feel scummy after this point. I want to see her happy, so if that means removing myself out of the picture I'll do so. Maybe that's just a convenient method of running away again…

After looking at my behavior in the past with other relationships I realize I might have borderline personality disorder. My depression, chronic emptiness, splitting, self-loathing, unstable emotions, poor memory and fears of abandonment started to make sense. It's predictable and has a name… but it's also going to be a long journey to suppress these symptoms. I've usually directed them inwards instead of acting out and lashing at others, at least not directly, but it still led to a lot of hurt. I wish I could apologize to each of the people I've strung along, they didn't deserve to be treated like that. I've lost so many friends it's hard to keep track. Every couple of years I'm a different person trying to blend in to feel some sense of self or belonging. Giving it a name doesn't change anything about my horrible actions or damage I've caused. It's hard not to agree that I'm just a disgusting person everyone should just stay away from. Especially with reputation that BPD has online. Knowing my best ability is doing harm to the people that care about me makes having lasting interpersonal relationships, outside of family, feel impossible. I'm just distracting myself with media until my online college semester starts and I can pretend I'm going anywhere at all. Maybe I'll actually start drawing again.

I don't know if it's okay for me to exist. I'm just a bullet meant to be dodged.


I lost the love of my life three years ago. Ever since then I've been living in a trance. I can't even talk about it. Nothing I do feels right. I don't want to live like this anymore.


Reaching out is definitely the best option, at least in the long run. I've been on both ends of this, losing someone over the slow festering of regrets and unanswered questions is the worst feeling in the world. She'll be upset when you talk to her, but don't let that stop you because you would be doing something really kind. Explain that you're sorry for all the ways you hurt her (use specifics like how your behaviour made her feel small and empty to show you understand and that her feelings were legitimate), and explain that you think you have BPD (literally just copy your entire 2nd paragraph, it explains things perfectly and won't feel gratuitous as long as you do the stuff about her first) and you're getting help (which you should be, if you're not going to then don't say you are). Don't mention or hint at getting back together, that would make the whole thing seem insincere when it obviously is sincere (there are a lot of people who can do this sort of thing with absolutely no remorse at all). I was serious about getting help, you can become a better person.


I'm sorry about that sushi roll. What happened?


I forced myself to believe all these dumb platitudes about having confidence and just being yourself and how there's somewhere out there for everyone, but after a year and a half now of honestly trying to get a date I'm ready to sink back into cynicism. I want to have a family someday but the time to start that sort of thing was 3-4 years ago. Time is moving faster as I get older but I'm still just as afraid of the opposite sex as ever. I miss the optimism I used to have that someday I'd just happen to meet someone like I met all my guy friends who I could be around without feeling like an alien. I'm angry at the world for letting me think that there's no such thing as someone who's destined to die alone. Apologies for venting but I've no other place to let these feelings out.


We're all destined to die alone. Some of us are lucky enough to get to sit by the fire a while but everybody walks away into the cold night sooner or later. It's gonna be ok.


I dunno if that makes me feel worse or better… but it's food for thought and I appreciate the perspective sushi roll.


File: 1608291480504.jpg (41.86 KB, 1024x576, EKRT1OsWoAAbbk6.jpg)

I am neurodivergent (autistic and possibly ADHD) and recieved no support as a child and therefore I have been unable to properly socialize or concentrate on anything growing up. I'm now asocial and have been stuck in a dead end minimum wage job for years with no desire to accomplish anything worthwhile in life and at this point I want to be a NEET and sleep a lot.


>I am neurodivergent (autistic and possibly ADHD) and recieved no support as a child and therefore I have been unable to properly socialize or concentrate on anything growing up.
For a split second I thought I wrote this post. Because this is exactly what eats at me, the knowledge that I've basically been fucked over by my childhood.

Used to wonder why it was that all the other autists in school got to make friends, gain recognition for their talents, and even have relationships. Then in adulthood I realized why. It all boiled down to the support they had growing up. A loving family free of abuse and divorce, that actually raised their kid instead of just doing the bare minimum to keep them alive. Or at the very least, didn't abuse the shit out of their kid and let them be their own person.

I'd kill to have grown up like that. Don't know why I had to grow up with everyone hating me. And the more I think about it, the more robbed I feel. It's not like it's something I can just "move on" from either, because it's stunted me in so many ways, and with me being little over a year from 30 it's not like I can fix all the damage that's built up over the years.


are you me?


God I am so empty


i am hikkokomori neet 10 years i got no fucking job man


Not finding anything I could hold to. Just to survive.
The void is really awful…


I find it kind of dreadful how sometimes you may think you got the thread of life, but then the boat gets rocky and you lose it again later on.


Nobody will ever like me. I don't know why I'm still trying.


Sometimes it's good to be flawed, it means people will not annoy you




File: 1609956580182.png (283.91 KB, 966x1217, EKjIAf0U0AIkthy.png)

Finally thought I attained the idealistic uni life I've been working towards only for it to disappear with corona. Got strung along a job application for 3 months and just got turned down after the last interview. I'm tired of looking forward to things. Back to NEETdom I go.


I took the plunge and updated my computer from windows 7 to windows 10. after using windows 7 for nearly ten years i figured it was time to do it.
now my computer wont connect to any network and doesnt recognize my second monitor. this is up there with some of the worst mistakes ive ever made, i feel like a fucking idiot for listening to anyone who told me to update. i should have never left windows 7.


it's ok man, just go back to windows 7, you've got nothing to worry about

unless you need a key now? you could always download a cracked copy of windows 7 ultimate


You should probably at least update to windows 8 though if you won´t stay at 10, since win7 is is already EOL and won´t get security updates anymore. Not a good idea to run a very vulnerable system connected to the internet.


File: 1610887041592.jpg (333.25 KB, 1366x1536, 1583305408111.jpg)

Uhh, there is always Linux when Windows doesn't work for you anymore, but it has it's own problems…


I just want to sleep forever


FOr th e most part I do not feel anything I am miserable due to so called mental illness I am unsure if it is purely neurological and psychological or a combination of everything including spiritual.
Sushi's I used to cry all day every day for many years as one of those shut in types yet I did not want to become a normal person it was not for me not for lack of ability but lack of desire and enjoyment.
But I felt good I felt in heaven I felt platonic love I felt friendship and it was good it was so good that it broke me when it ended I became shattered I lost my feeling and now if I ever feel anything it is about my old friendship I make the tears but I do not truly feel the sadness.
Sushi's I am getting tears and a lump in throat writing this I am a sum of mistakes I have tried hard but for what I am aimless and a ship that sails in any direction while directionless.
I fight my philosophy but it leaves me as a loser it simply makes sense and I wish I could latch onto faith or do away with reason you cannot intellectually dig yourself out of a hole.

The truth is I am jealous of sushi rolls I see that wish they had a GF or anything for what I want I can never have.. my OS is corrupted and wont run the same programs it could I am defeatist but tried so hard to care for so long.
Life is always getting worse as I observe laughing as an outsider lacking the association with my self an identity that changes often and not connected to the "I".
I wish to die but know I am always changing my mind on everything relating to myself I am lost maybe I gave up on giving up.

Sorry for the rant post but I do not know why I am sad I was always sad it is the normal state for me but what I mentioned hurts me so much.


It really sucks when your friends upset you inadvertently just through normal discussion of normal person things. I don't want people to walk on eggshells around me, and I don't want to be a downer to anyone. The best solution it seems is just to go home later and have a cry about it. Maybe vent on the internet too.


want to tell what whappened?


I don't even remember what was said at this point, it was some kind of friendly discussion that turned to stories of past relationships, of which I have none. Like a lot of other people online it just comes down to me being depressed and tfw no gf and shit. I'm old enough now that time and happenstance and life choices have sorted out the losers from the winners in my group of peers as it were. I still sometimes think maybe I can "get there" but each day that passes just cements me further into what I already am.


Never felt as close to suicide as I did this morning. I feel a little better now, but I know it'll be back tomorrow.

Are you doing any better today sushi?


Be well roll, it'll be okay
Don't be afraid to reach out, whether it's to friends, family, hotlines or even imageboards


I just finished scrubbing all my friends from my discord and steam accounts, the only channels i really use for comms. I feel like I'm much less of a burden on them now.

Not that sushi, but…

God I wonder if those things actually genuinely help anyone. I remember calling one when I was much younger, maybe 16-ish years ago and it was completely unhelpful.


Thanks sushi

Just make sure they can find you again if they want to. Maybe they will, that would be proof you're not a burden.


>God I wonder if those things actually genuinely help anyone
To be honest I've never used one so I probably shouldn't have included it


I'm still dealing with the usual depression/anxiety combo, but over the past couple days my main issue has been trying to eat healthier. I haven't ordered fast food in over a month but I still find myself binging, today it was on bikkies.


I've put myself on two meals per day with very little snacks, but sometimes I leave the gap between meals too long and end up binging on potechi because i feel too anemic to spend 30 minutes making something properly.
I found if I just don't have anything to snack on except something kinda bland, this really discourages me to from binging. If I'm caught really hungry, I'll nibble a few snacks and leave most of my appetite for proper healthy-ish meals.

So maybe try put the bickies away, only get something like digestives (non-choccy kind) or something similar. Something that you can still eat as a snack, but not really binge-worthy by themselves.


I'm in my early 20s and I'm getting sick of dealing with millennials. Don't get me wrong, I don't think my generation is perfect by any means, but man, you guys are the pits. You're so damn whiny, cynical, and ungrateful.


Are we not millenials too?


I think the youngest millenials/oldest zoomers are 22, so they could be Gen Z if they're 20-22 Holy fuck I feel old


Yesterday I was talking about something that happened in 2017 and I almost said "yeah it was last year"
Naruto ended 7 years ago it's insane


File: 1619809356552.jpg (35.47 KB, 384x406, 9e849717148300819cf7fea338….jpg)

I'm pretty big into this one mini game in a game. Part of a community dedicated to playing it, specifically playing it with people that pay in game money for good players to play with.
I never feel like I'm good enough at it against my peers. They always do so much better and know so much more than me and it always frustrates me how poorly I perform with no improvement in the months I've put into it. Watching people I started playing with at the same time out class me so far. I also get the feeling I have a weird reputation and no true friends in the community I'm in. Everyone's an acquaintance really. I'm never picked in the first few drafts for teams when team captains pick players or I see that teams I'm in a lot of people never join in.
One time we where doing a fun tournament with the group I mostly play in. A member of our team said that me and them should swap roles because I was doing so badly, we won, but that hurt and mostly confirmed how I was feeling. Usually I think people are being polite.
Think it hurts more because of the time investment I've made and the fact it's the only thing I do. I don't even enjoy it any more I just don't have anything else. I think I've lied to my self too much with the "I'm just playing for fun, I don't care about my personal best times" line that I'm not having fun. I found my self in a sort of community leader role that I think puts an expectation on me that I can't meet. I'm expected to be able to judge other players skill to say if they are allowed to play with us or not. I have no idea how or why I got this position.

tldr of my blog: gamer of a game in a game is sad that their life sucks and the game that made them happy doesn't make them happy, it makes them sad because of how bad they are.


I need help
There is no help
I don't want to be awake


I hope you had a nice sleep.
I hope you had a nice wake up too.


sorry I posted while I was having a panic attack and couldn't delete it. I had lots of sleep, just having a sad week.


Everyone is replying to me with sages and they're making me feel dumb


sage is not a downvote.
if it really must be construed as negative, then at most it's only negative to their own post. it's a humble way of posting a message, saying that their post is not worthy of bumping a thread.

I hope you're not really down about sage posts of all things.


I'm not the person you're replying to, but I honestly do think that some people go overboard with their usage of sage. Like, I understand using it for small off-topic comments or the like, but I remember there was a period of time on Sushichan where I noticed a lot of perfectly on-topic posts that were sage for absolutely no apparent reason (my guess is that it was just one person sageing all of their posts, but I have no way of knowing that for sure), and it honestly kind of annoyed me because it made me feel like I had to scroll through a lot of posts to see if there was anything new posted, instead of just looking at the most recently bumped posts on kaitensushi.


I use sage a lot. I just feel my posts are not important enough to bump the thread to the front.


my phone's tempered glass shattered today. was having a great one until that happened… agh I know this is lame but after weeks of being all-around miserable, I thought I made it out until reality hit me in the face, lol. guess that's life

it's an imageboard, sushi. nobody's posts are more important than another person's.


>I'm expected to be able to judge other players skill to say if they are allowed to play with us or not.


hello sushi i dont where i should start.
i noticed that i cant still let go a old relationship from 5 years ago, i mean sometimes i feel very nostalgic with the old time when i use to be more happy, (i already know that my happiness does not depend on other people)
Sometimes when the nostalgia hit me hard i use to scream internally.


a plate of my car came off after someone grazed me on the expressway… the tub is clogged… I have mountains of emails to respond to… man


Table 'sushigirl_vichan.telegrams' doesn't exist



I feel as though I've wasted a lot of time and lost the curiosity and awe I used to have years ago. I suppose its been useful in that its been a teacher of life skills and outlook, but clearly I could've used time better such as for exercising, studying, etc. No point dwelling in the past, though.
Nothing really all that bad except for problems coming from within myself. Circumstances are more than fine. I've been gifted the freedom to lead my life in any way I so please.


Sad because I don't like myself and I don't know how to get better.


File: 1627135858414.jpg (318.38 KB, 753x786, 1627123885898.jpg)

Decades of isolation and shame await me if I don't build up the courage to kill myself and the prospect terrifies me.


If you'd want I could be someone to talk to, I can't promise that I'll be a friend, but at the least I won't disappear on you or judge.
I mean it should probably take less courage to have a chat than to end things forever.
Just give me a heads up if I should post a throwaway mail-address or something.


File: 1627430896994.jpg (56.21 KB, 608x648, luluco ehh.jpg)

I frankly get tired of people who romanticize suicide because of some dumb temporary problem.
Most of the time they never go through the act, they just want something
>Isolation and shame
I don't see the issue with not talking to anyone, nor I see any reason to feel shame about anything. For the former you gotta learn to love yourself since that's the only person who will always be with you, and for the latter you gotta realize your mistakes and accept that they happened, no reason to get stuck on the past.
You should try something you've never attempted before. Suicide is not one of them, you screw it up and you end up FUBAR for the rest of your life.


I’m thousands of miles away from home with a friend, I hurt her feelings earlier and she left the hotel room. I know she needs space but I’m really fucking worried because she‘s the type that might stay out really late and sleep outside. I’m worried she’s going get hurt, or worse. Her phone is dead and she’s depressed and oh my god I am going to cry. If she’s not back in an hour and a half I’m going to put on shoes and look for her even though I know it’ll upset her because I cannot take the potential bad alternative. Lord help me.


OK she got my message and her phone is on so I’m less worried now. Holy shit.


Update, everyone is safe and sound. Sorry for live-blogging my mental breakdown. Just needed an outlet at the time.


It's okay sushi, I'm glad it all worked out


File: 1627653878925.png (679.62 KB, 1080x1080, StrawberryMail.png)

I've been severely depressed for a while, enough that it effectively left me bed ridden for the extent of the lockdown. I usually didn't feel I could talk about it openly aside from my therapy sessions, but a recent event really put me in a very painful place.
My mother has been homeless for years now, so I don't get to see her too much. The few times I did she seemed like she was in good health, but she wouldn't be homeless if everything was okay with her. She recently called me after like a year of silence. Suffice to say I was very happy to hear she wasn't struck by COVID-19. But then, she asked if I could take her out of state, to a place like 8 hours away. I was caught off guard, and didn't really know what to do, as I haven't driven that far yet, and the whole thing was so sudden. I ended up refusing, but she seemed okay with it, and reassured me she was fine. We spoke a little more before hanging up. She was using a phone at a homeless shelter, so I couldn't get back in touch with her when I thought about it a bit more and changed my mind.

Since then, I've been feeling a mix guilt, shame, and a deep sadness I couldn't name. When I tried to talk about it with my therapist, I felt the weight of those emotions, such that it silenced me. Even after the session, I feel like I'm being crushed by sadness, and even though I'm happy my mother is okay, it seemed to open up an old wound I had all but forgotten. It has already put me down for a day, and it may take me out for a few more if I'm unable to properly cope and face it.

Pic unrelated. I just like Strawberry Shortcake.


There are times where I really, really, REALLY hate my life situation.
It's not terrible, I have somewhere to sleep, my computer, but still, could be an awful lot better.


My cat injured her eye a month ago and regardless of applying medicine every day it's not recovering at all. I keep telling my family to keep her inside so she's safe but no one listens. Too broke to pay for another vet exam.

What should I do rolls?


I’m not sure what you *can* do in this situation, sushi, other than giving your cat the love and attention she deserves. Wishing you luck.


I saw friends today and all it did was leave me drained and sad because I have to pretend like the discussions and jokes being made don't hurt me. I wish I wasn't like this.


I'm tired, I've been constantly tired for years.
It started with slight health issues, some got better some got worse - being physically tired is my normal state though.
I used to hide away in my invincible world of books and knowledge, it got me quite ahead.
Yet sadly, for the last few years, I've been so restless that I can hardly pick a book up for more than a few minutes (at least in the last 3-4 months that is getting better!).
I dropped out of uni, changed subjects, and might drop out again.
Lost my best friend to cancer.
Worst of all, I've been working hard, yet I don't always see the fruit of that work.
Asshole profs tried to blame me for cheating, TWICE, and both times I was exonerated in the end (at a very significant mental health cost).
At the end of the day, no one cares, even if they "lament" how much potential I have that I'm not reaching, no one is willing to actually help when I ask for help.

Only thing keeping me around is not wanting my loved ones to experience the pain of me going out with a bang, it's extremely scarring to lose someone close - especially when they're young (I've experienced that with my friend, I miss him man, I miss him so much).

There you go, kind of got it off my chest.
I don't know where to go with this.


File: 1628060823579.jpg (171.68 KB, 1024x942, instincts.jpg)

i lack interest in the possible futures open to me
nothing appeals anymore
is this really all there is?


Yes, it is
But it is also all that there isnt, everything that isnt is everything that is not now

And most of what isnt, could become

Kinda like that?
I mean, what kind of future would actually interest you? If you drop the pretense of "that couldnt ever become true, could it"


File: 1628176616371.jpg (2.03 MB, 1774x1381, Case Cover Back Outer.jpg)

Well, she's been admitted to mental hospital. I don't know how I'm *supposed* to feel. I feel sad not out of pity, but because I can empathize with the feeling of depression. There's a hint of worry that the facility will be bad. There's relief because she'll be safe. The combination of the feelings is just… emptiness? I feel a bit empty. It sucks to see someone you love suffer.

You can't help your clinically depressed friend. You can be a good friend, but you can't 'fix' anything.

I'm just hoping there'll be a time, maybe once we're all settled into the next stage of our lives, that we can all hang out together happily and without health problems, just like before. I'm glad high school is over.


File: 1628215498325.jpg (92.66 KB, 716x1011, 68963552_p98.jpg)

I'm not sure if it helps at all, because everyone is obviously different, but I was in a situation not unlike your friends for a long time. Had to live in mental hospitals, etc. My life isn't easy or nice or anything but things definitely got better for me, over a very long period of struggle, and I hope they do for her as well. You're right that you can't do anything to fix her, but she's lucky to have someone like you who cares enough about her. Ganbatte roll.


File: 1628420479656.jpg (41.13 KB, 474x700, dbead26c691053ec0db777bdcd….jpg)

>Canuck German
>20 years old
>have a stalker of several years that creeps me out beyond belief
I think they sometimes plan their day and possibly their work schedule to revolve around being able to be "around".

I have caught them before so I am not just paranoid without good reason.


Thank you sushi. It does help. It took me a while to get back to this but your message kept me going!

I got a phone call from her today and we talked for a good while, she says she thinks she’s gonna be discharged soon. It was a relief hearing calm in her voice. :)


Have you tried telling them that you're getting creeped out by their behaviour?
If they knew all that effort they're spending is only pushing you further away I doubt they'd keep it up. Maybe they just hope that you'll appreciate them, or just want to get to spend time with you without needing to actually ask if you want to hang out.

The type to become that obsessive about someone is often also the type without enough social observance vocabulary to realize the difference between being a source of discomfort and you just being "nervous" or "shy".


>hang out
hard pass, full stop "No". I leave no room for ambiguity, misinterpretation, the answer is a strong point-blank [No].

I go to some length in order to avoid being seen by them, the very thought of it makes me uneasy.


File: 1629808988908.jpg (67.86 KB, 660x577, xXUHaJVKmCri3jeh5qiwZVi8-J….jpg)

I'm not really sad but kind of troubled by how shit the Web has become. Literally all media, entertainment and social sites have turned into an unpleasant, weird echo chamber.


I often find that the less regulars a website has while still being active, the more pleasant it is. There seems to be a certain threshold of population that when crossed, the website loses whatever charm it had and becomes dominated by the same sort of social warfare that people used to go online to escape.
I know it is not an universal truth, and not even the only factor in the charm of a community, but it is very noticeable, especially with so many websites being huge, centralized ad platforms. Of course, 4chan is an example where the site only got worse as more people used it.


Absolutely but I think there's another related element which is how much the posters care about the website. Something like that? It's hard to describe. Its what stops places from becoming dumping grounds of unfunny jokes, porn, rage and whatever is trendy at the time. People caring about staying on topic, not being overly hostile and fostering an actual sense of community.


File: 1631278315339.jpg (685.99 KB, 884x1302, b29982c6b2105a3f58cd81becd….jpg)

I just don't know what to do with myself.
Most of the time I work, play video games, watch anime and browse some small imageboards, that's it.
While I enjoy games, animu and ibs it is unfortunately not the case for work. If I am working then I never have the issue of being bored out of my tiny little mind though. During weekends this is never a problem too. Holidays and being unemployed is where this starts to surface.
Sooner or later I am content with the stuff I usually do and then I don't know what to do. I have already read multiple times that you are supposed to just try something out, it doesn't even matter what. Just try and see if you like it, if yes continue to do it, if not try something else. Well there is nothing that appeals to me though and I don't have the motivation and energy to try something new either. Actually I like to cook already, to garden, to read, to listen to music and do some exercise at home. I tried the gym too, but didn't like it. The point is that nothing of that really satisfies me and because of that I rarely do it. Therefore I just stick with video games, anime and imageboards, even though I don't feel like it. Most of the time this results into me getting up and just laying down on my bed, doing nothing or even worse starting to wank to some disturbing shit, that I would like to drop since years.
Given this issue I can't handle being a neet, because I just don't know what to do with all the time I have. After some neeting I always start working again, but then working starts to crush my mental health and at one point I quit, which leads to square 1 again, being a neet. Working just sucks because of people, I desperately try to find a job where I am alone and don't have people around for 9 hours straight on 5 days a week. It's just introverts hell. Only thing I found out is being a watchmen at night, I will try to apply for it if the current situation goes in the direction I hope. Right now I still life with my parents and have a job that I hate and destroys me once more. My contract runs out on the 31th of December, if they give me a new contract that doesn't run out on a certain date then I will move out near a place where a lot of jobs are available as a night watchmen, then drop the current job and start applying for the new one. Maybe working something that doesn't constantly worsens my mental state is giving me some drive to try new things? I just want to be able to cope with life somehow…


80% lurkers 20% posters


Just extremely anxious since coming to college. Program is very intense and hit hard right out the gates. Getting better slowly but still trying to collect myself.


ain't that the truth


I can't seem to do anything. My entire life exists in a state of permanent potentiality. I've been trying to fix this for eleven years now with no success so I doubt there even is a way to fix it.


I recently found out I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder as a kid, and was never informed. I've always known that I've been anxious, but I convinced myself I was making a mountain out of a molehill. I wasn't, it was clinical. It's a bit frustrating because I could have gotten help with it in school had I known, but I got through so whatever.

Since starting college, my anxiety has been the worst it has ever been and is actively interfering with my life, but I can't receive accommodations because my diagnosis, whatever it is, is too old now and could have changed. The records still exist at the hospital, but my old therapist will not sign any forms because it's been a year since I saw her, and I cannot become her patient again because she isn't licensed in the state my college is in.

Basically, I'm SOL. But I'm a month away from being done with my first quarter now, so at least I'm alive!

It's been a big learning experience having to exist like this. The program I'm in is competitive and high-pressure (engineering moment) so there isn't much wiggle room. I keep getting sick which adds an extra difficulty curve. But I'm not failing any classes, my grades aren't bad. So when I'm able to take myself out of the anxiety, I can see that I will likely get through. But it's still very hard.

Being an adult wasn't what I expected.


I get absorbed into the wrong things so easily. When ever that happends, I just can’t break away and so anything else I had planned for the day goes out the windows. I know I gonna have to get it fixed soon otherwise I’m done for the moment I got thrown out to society, just not knowing where to start.


File: 1636312630808.png (323.06 KB, 2004x3006, 1607609144418.png)

Older anime always have subbed openings and subbed endings, furthermore they now and then have translator notes. This is something I love a lot, it helps to appreciate an anime more, because I can enjoy it to the fullest. Especially translator notes where they point out puns, meaning of names, translate some random signs and billboards, stuff written on a shirt, explain a holiday and so on.
Nowadays anime just don't have that anymore, which saddens me a lot. A part of the enjoyment is gone with that and also a part of being able to fully understand and appreciate an anime. Somebody once told me this is because a lot of anime is just being taken from places like Funimation, Crunchyroll etc. and distributed across the Net. Companies like that don't bother with that translator notes, while fansubbers did make the effort, which shows that they truly cared and were passionate. Furthermore I was told that the openings and endings are different licenses than the show, which means the companies aren't even allowed to translate them, while fansubbers just did it anyway.
Anyway this came to my mind again because I was rewatching Danshi Koukousei no Nichijou and 30-sai no Hoken Taiiku.
While I enjoyed both I also remembered that matter, which made me feel bad. Even worse is that Nichibros made me miss friends, I actually had conversations like the anime has with my friends, I just miss them so much, being able to talk about consoles, games and just everyday guy problems. 30-sai was also a reminder why I avoid any show that is labeled as romance, my loneliness just can't take it. I can manage if I don't expose myself to stuff like that, but when I do it starts to hurt like hell.
Well at last I would like to ask if somebody knows any fansubbers that translate modern anime. Older are fine too, honestly all fansubbers are welcome.
And thank you to the sushiroll who posted a link to a site with all the imageboards out there listed, I forgot to answer you, I am sorry. I have found some very nice places thanks to you.


File: 1637130301275.jpg (234.54 KB, 1062x1218, 1633656901085.jpg)

It ails me seeing people make great works of art at a very young age, or even my own age.
I've always wanted to bring something beautiful to the world, but due to circumstances of life I can't afford it and I feel like shit seeing people like EMMM or Dingaling creating something incredible at their age.
Makes me feel like I'll be another ideas man who will fade away and be remembered by nobody.
Maybe it is the fate I'm supposed to fill. There are 7 billion people on the world, not all of us will be winners


File: 1637175042109.png (2 MB, 1920x1080, [Nofunloli] Megaton-kyuu M….png)

If you like robots, Megaton-kyuu Musashi has actual fansubs from Nofunloli this season. Or Mewkledreamy from Moyai if you like PreCure-style magical girls.

Corporate streamers more or less killed fansubs. Probably ~99% of teen/adult targeted anime gets an official translation nowadays, so most downloads are just reencoded rips of the official streams. All that's left is stuff they don't think will sell to the english-speaking audience and the rare show from a studio that can't come to a licensing agreement with the official english streams for whatever reason. The community's become so dependent on the corporate streams that it basically torpedoes the popularity of anything that doesn't get an official release because hardly anyone still knows how to find fansubs.

Back when corporate streams first came out, there were some fansub groups that continued prettying up the official ones, but over time it became clear that most people just wanted the fastest subs possible, so direct rips from streams became the dominate uploaders. There are still the occasional sub group that will pop up and reedit the official version, but it's pretty rare nowadays.

I too miss the old fansubs, although they were sometimes delayed and of varying quality, it always felt like there was an extra layer of love put into the productions. Also the corporate subs are bad about replacing japanese puns with english puns that don't make sense half the time.


File: 1637227959873.png (1.59 MB, 1920x1080, 5911599111925925.png)

Thank you for your post, sushi, I appreciate it. To hear that there are still fansubbers active made me happy. Can you tell me how you are searching for fansubs? No matter if they are still active or not, I just long for a place to download stuff that has the extra effort poured into it.


I don't know of any good way to filter ground-up fansubs vs. stream rips, but if you browse bittorrent trackers you'll get a feel for who's uploading stream rips & reencodes pretty quickly because they upload a lot compared to people doing original translations. And if you find a fansubber you like, you can search for more stuff they've done by the group name. Nyaa is probably the biggest anime tracker and generally a good source for recentish stuff, unfortunately a lot of old stuff was lost when the old site went down. Bakabt tracker has a good archive of old stuff, but you can't just create an account there anymore, I think you have to go request one on IRC or something. There's probably some other active or semi-active trackers around that I'm not familiar with too.


You just made my day sushi, thank you for that.


I'm really dumb and I wish I wasn't. Trying to learn things makes me supremely frustrated and this causes me to give up or fail. I feel like I'm doomed to a life of useless mediocrity while everyone around me hones their talents and passions. And at this point by the time I get to be halfway as good as a normal person I'll be in my 40s or 50s. I wish I could just die. Maybe I need to finally try medication.


I keep trying to recapture feelings or experiences that I had when I was younger, but as you can probably expect it never works out. There are certain games I’ve tried to go back to that I played years ago, but they feel so hollow now. There are so many things I’ll never be able to experience again.


It hurt to read that, because I am experiencing that too. The curiosity is long gone and with it the fun and the motivation too. A lot of things feel samey, overall I feel jaded, tired and most of all nostalgic about the past, where it wasn't like that. Desperately I cling to the stuff that brought me all the positive feelings and experiences, but most of the time it doesn't work, I just do it out of habit. I honestly don't know what to do, I have no motivation, no creativity, no interests, I simply browse multiple imageboards, sleep, work out, play vidya, watch anime, read, cook and work, day in day out.
Several times I have read that there is new input necessary, a new hobby, to meet new people, best case even both. Not only do I have no idea how this should be possible, it is also quite difficult when more than a decade of Internet fucked you up to the point that all the things going on in real life don't bother you at all anymore.


File: 1637783145552.jpg (64.91 KB, 960x728, 1513133193290.jpg)

I think I'm clinically depressed but I am too anxious to go see a doctor about it. Gotten worse recently. I can not shake the feeling that I've made it up and I have just convinced my self it's real over the years. I then think, that seems like how some one who is depressed would think about it. But I then re-rationalize that I am making it up and this is part of the lie. I think I'm trying to use it as a crutch for personal issues. It also concerns me that I am unable to dissect my own thoughts on this; maybe that's an issue on it's own.

Looking up the signs of it, they most all apply to me, but if you're directly asked about something you always have a bias.

The horror of going to a doctor expecting something to be wrong with me and them saying "no, you're actually just a looser and need to stop being such a friendly lady about it". I could never live that down.

I have no idea how to get out of this hole. I wish I had close enough friends for me to be able to talk about this and them say they have/have not noticed things.


File: 1637797425553.jpg (150.8 KB, 508x590, 9cf044777ff3ef63fbc4581c68….jpg)

i wanted to post earlier but sushimin locked the board and wouldn't let me post and i was crying.


Being unable to post on the internet is truly the worst form of suffering


File: 1637813002628.png (75.04 KB, 187x186, pikmin.PNG)

I was prescribed medication for my headaches. Took it for the first time today and I just feel worse LOL


If a doctor said that or anything like that to you, they're not a very professional doctor and I would get a second opinion on that ground alone. At the same time, if it's a concern, I think you should definitely get checked out and if it turns out that it's just anxiety, wouldn't that be a good thing?


I feel like it's groundhog day where I'm just clocking into work, forcing myself to eat, forcing myself to sleep and then waking up to do it all over again. I can't help but feel like there's more to life but I don't know how to escape the cycle and I have no direction in life, so I have no idea where to start.

I earn just enough to life modestly so grand dreams of moving abroad or giving up my job to start a small business (as social media keeps insisting will bring meaning to my life) are totally out of the question because I've no savings to fall back onto. I don't enjoy anything so I'm not sure what to do in my free time.

I'm so used to following instructions and I just want someone to say "here, do this for the rest of your life" and I would. Everyone I turn to, hoping they'll give me that direction, says "idk just do what you enjoy!" instead and it just hurts me even more because I wish I had goals and dreams and fun little hobbies like they do. So fucking much. I have nothing. Nothing brings me joy. I just want to grow old and die ASAP so I can end this hellish cycle.

I'm talking to a therapist (that I can barely afford) but I don't think it's helping.


Nice palindrome numbers sushi!
I'm constantly telling myself to do things. Its exhausting. I'll monofocus on my pursuits for months neglecting other things I need to do, then collapse into sickness and depression.
I'm trying to learn to incorporate relaxation and comfyness into my life, but its difficult, I really like obsessing but it isn't healthy.
If I could tell you what to do for the rest of your life I would say categorize things you find comfy. Maybe write about them to help others.
But I suspect that advice won't help you any more than it does me.
Good luck though sushi. Someday the whole world will be a comfy place to be.


Not the same guy you're replying to but
I tend to do the same. I single-focus on one thing that I believe will have some sort of benefit to me (though usually not economic), and so I do "categorize" them into a handful groups that I want to be good at.
I couldn't just pick one because then I get overwhelmed by precisely monofocusing on just one thing for a long period.
But when I do focus on one thing out of 3 or 4 main threads, I tend to feel like I have to do it MOAR, always MOAR! And then comes the conflict because my other interests demand some allocation of resources but the other one is taking preeminence and I feel that if I slow down the pace then it'll stall and I'll end up falling behind, and even forgetting all about it in pursue of less fruitful endeavours.
My head hurts.


Haha, it sometimes feels like I'm the arbiter trying to manage relations between a bunch of different motivations inside myself.
Order! There will be order in the court!
But theres never order, just motivations sneakily getting control of my focus and then other motivations getting in uproar and calling it unfair and imprudent!
I don't understand myself.


Putting this in spoilers because it makes my stomach turn, and I don’t want it slathered over kaitensushi. Okay, here we go. I’m looking for some insight…
My girlfriend messaged me today saying that she and her online friend were talking and that she wondered if I liked to be hurt, and if asked, if I would hurt someone else. The implication being that she would ask me to hurt her. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. I told her no I wouldn’t, but I wasn’t able to get her to clarify what context that would even happen in. I can’t see myself ever being able to inflict pain on someone else on purpose, even if asked. She has a history of self harm and it scared me shitless when I saw the messages initially, but she promised me she was okay. I believe her because her friend’s good and would be alarmed if something was up. Anyway, now I’m just a bit disconnected and sad. Has anyone experienced something like this before?? Or asked a question like this?? I’m trying and failing to understand where she’s coming from.


it sounds like she just talking about kinky stuff


How the fuck did that never occur to me


Honestly as someone coming from that world you’d be amazed at the kind of stuff that flies over peoples heads. It’s not your fault, if it’s just not something your generally cognizant of then you don’t really have any reason for it to come up in your head. But I agree it sounds like she wants to try out some S/m.


File: 1642819926844.jpg (53.55 KB, 720x821, 1546915587695.jpg)

I fully expect to be chastised as a wannabe normalfag or an incel for this but whatever:

I'm worried that as I get older and remain a virgin shut in I've gone from lonely and depressed about it, to lonely and bitter, and before too long it will be lonely and angry. Reading about other people in relationships upsets me greatly. Friends I used to have have largely disappeared to spend more time with their careers or their fiances/wives/girlfriends. It feels like I'm the only one who can't "grow up".

I'm aware that I probably have nothing to offer anyone else, but it still hurts to feel that because I don't think I can do anything about it.


I'm the same, but the worst part is I'm not even a shut in and haven't been for several years. I used to think it just wasn't in my destiny and I had to make peace with that, but now it's like, am I really so detestable? It's hard not to become bitter.


File: 1642875292524.jpg (225.19 KB, 755x630, cc438574b801e0c074b17f783b….jpg)

I know how this feels and it is very hard to keep your sanity with those given circumstances.
Still I can assure you that you will encounter a lot of new problems when you actually get a career going and/or a relationship. I can also assure you that a career and/or a relationship does not fix your problems. At last I can say that you do have something to offer, sushi, namely yourself. If you want to be desired, then make yourself desirable, but don't start lying about things, forcing yourself to things that harm you or even let yourself be exploited.
One thing I can also add is to make sure that if it happens, then it should be with a person you actually care about, else you only create a new misery with exposing yourself to an empty and meaningless act that has nothing to do with love. There is a difference between making love and fucking.


I probably got brain problems, but more or less came to peace with it at this point. While the idea of having a relationship seems kind of appealing on the surface, it also gives me anxiety. I'm awfully ingrained in my ways and don't know if I could even adapt to sharing a life with another person.

It's sad seeing all my friends drift away though, they get more normal every year while I'm still the same. I've completely lost contact with the married ones at this point, just have a few who are in less committed relationships. But even then, they don't follow weeb stuff more than superficially anymore so we don't have near the same depth of conversations that we used to.


File: 1647358329257.png (121.84 KB, 520x311, kiso dissapointed.png)

I want to blow my brains out.
For the last month I've been nothing but feeling like I want to disappear from this world. I don't see the point in living, nothing seems to have a purpose, I am doing stuff so that I can learn how to swim in this world but where am I even swimming to now? I have nowhere to go.
I loathe the fact that human beings have a tendency to avoid dying due to natural instincts, if this wasn't a thing I would be long gone many years ago.


File: 1647382224995.jpg (351.99 KB, 600x837, stroll.jpg)

>I probably have nothing to offer anyone else
That's not true, everybody has a little something that at least someone might appreciate. It's just hard to know what that might be from the inside perspective, since you've lived with yourself all your life, it all might look dull and old to you. And people can't appreciate things they never get to know about if you never share or open up.
I for one appreciate that you're this honest and willing to share your feelings. It requires strength.
>it still hurts to feel that because I don't think I can do anything about it
I'd recommend taking some extra care about yourself now and then, even when you're alone you do have a partner, yourself, if you make sure you have your own back.
Something that feels like a treat, whatever that is to you.

And maybe keep in mind, simply getting laid or landing a relationship doesnt guarantee anything about your future. I've had 3 relationships, but I've still been single and celibate for 5+ years at this point (which is longer than I was sexually active, which might make me a liche rather than a wizard). The memories of what has been does not make me feel any less lonely, I'm still a bit sad I have nobody to hug for as long and with as much warmth as I'd like to.
The largest difference between the you before and the you after losing your virginity is realizing how little it actually changed, regardless of how amazing and wonderful it can be with someone you love.

>am I really so detestable?
That's not the way it works sushi (no condescension intended).
I'm not even sure of the way it does work myself really, love just kind of happens. But I think that if you spend some moments looking back, you don't really judge all the people you don't get feelings for as trash, do you? They just don't resonate in your heart, there's nothing wrong with them.
And there's not really anything special about the people you do catch feelings for, they just feel special to you. Someone else might not even look at them twice, not think of them as worthwhile whatsoever. The eye of the beholder and all that.

It's pretty much just a matter of trying to give as many people as you can an honest chance. If you never meet anyone new, how could you meet that person that might find your recurring company delightful? While also keeping in mind the very accurate points of >>3707

It's okay to feel that way sushi, I hope you don't go ahead with it though.
Death is the only thing that is for sure in life, and if you end it you're making 100% sure that the last segment of your life was a dark joyless void. You're making sure it never got better. If you wait for death until it comes for you on its own schedule, you're giving life all the opportunities it had to show you something that maybe made it worth it to go on this void walk. And you lose nothing, since the destination is the same anyway.
I kinda agree on that we're swimming to nowhere, most of us either never made the connection, forget about it, or try to think about it as little as possible.
But it is possible to stay unignorant of the destination and still find some glimmer in the waves at times, and being aware of it grants you possibilities of ways of swimming unavailable to those who only ever think of what's just up ahead and get surprised when finally that just up ahead is the one we knew about all along.


File: 1647449367003.jpg (278.22 KB, 1021x1047, 1559742612079.jpg)

>I can also assure you that a career and/or a relationship does not fix your problems.
>If you want to be desired, then make yourself desirable
I know this. It's very clear to me that my loneliness is a result of my being a horribly broken person and not the other way around. But I've been trying to fix my problems for my whole life and it seems like they'll never go away, at least not to a degree where anyone would want to be close to me. The depths of the damage I've done to myself feel irreversible. (the most incel-ey thing I will say here is that it feels like there is a VERY cruel and unfair difference between how "broken" or mentally ill men are treated in terms of relationships). I am almost 30 years old. Do I really deserve the pain of dying alone and seeing all my friends disappear because I can't make myself normal enough?

>That's not true, everybody has a little something that at least someone might appreciate.
Thank you for the kind words, but "appreciate" does not equal "want to enter into a relationship with". I, like everyone else, like to think I'm a good person, and maybe I'm even fun to be around sometimes, but that doesn't really matter. The fact of the matter is that I'm an ugly, mentally ill virgin nearing his 30's. I have no stable job, higher education, or career path. I cry on a near-daily basis, and all my hobbies are weird and none of them are constructive or impressive. I have no self-confidence and I'm borderline terrified of the opposite sex. No sane woman is going to want anything to do with me. Even on the off chance I met someone who was into ugly weeaboos who spend too much time on the internet, why on earth would anyone choose me over all the other ones who are much better off than me mentally, financially, and physically? It's just the way the world works that people like me are going to be lonely and unloved.

>people can't appreciate things they never get to know about if you never share or open up.

Every interaction I've had with women my age has been profoundly negative, and it feels like each one makes it harder for me to "open up". I've dealt with everything from being politely ghosted or friendzoned or turned down, to being mocked for being a virgin and called an incel/loser/etc. On one occasion it was explicitly said to me that my being a virgin was a "problem".

>even when you're alone you do have a partner, yourself, if you make sure you have your own back.

I am not good company for me. As you can probably tell, I hate myself.

>And maybe keep in mind, simply getting laid or landing a relationship doesnt guarantee anything about your future.

It's not about getting laid, it's about not wanting to rot away for the rest of my life alone in my shitty apartment with nothing to live for and nobody to love me, watching more and more of my friends distance themselves from me as they succeed where I fail. Maybe these things wouldn't be a guarantee, but they'd at least be an indicator that things won't continue like this forever. As it stands, when I look to my future, all I can see is things getting worse until I've finally had enough of life.


File: 1647684727880.jpg (208.29 KB, 750x937, shroom_lady.jpg)

>"appreciate" does not equal "want to enter into a relationship with"
That is true. But it's also true that it often starts that way. Lots of small things you appreciate about someone and at some point you start thinking it wouldnt be so bad to spend lots more time with this person, and you spot more things you appreciate, and so on.
>maybe I'm even fun to be around sometimes, but that doesn't really matter
It does sushi. Not everyone are superficial and judging, and people in general do react more to the way you carry yourself rather than your actual appearance. It's just that being (in regards to norms) "ugly" or of a larger build most of the time coincides with a trashy self view and then you also act like you aren't worth much, and people pick up on that whether consciously or not. It affects how you talk, it affects your posture, lots of things. If you go about your day truly believing in that "No sane woman is going to want anything to do with me", then are you going to act like that's a possibility and give it a chance to actually flirt with someone?
>ugly, mentally ill virgin nearing his 30's, no stable job, higher education, or career path
All of those can change, it will take hard work, but it's possible.
I'm a NEET (something like 10 years in void world) in recovery myself, also nearing my 30s, guess ours where the chan generation. I've just had a bit more luck in that I've met some kind and understanding ladyfriends, one of whom was a NEET too. It's really hard to get out in society again, and I've made both myself and others uncomfortable while trying to work out my behaviors, but then I can brew up my own patches/emotional-vaccines and do better struggling on.
If I simply shut down like I always did before, I will always be broken and unable. And as long as you apologize and own up to your mistakes, people don't seem to give up on you.
And tastes differ, what you call ugly may just be neutral to someone else, not anything that would be in the way as long as you treat them in a way that makes them feel appreciated and loved.
I have a small thing for larger women of some shapes, while if they believed in whatever society has taught them they might not feel as if they're ever going to be wanted for what they are, even though to me they are just as beautiful as someone on the slimmer side.
>the off chance I met someone who was into ugly weeaboos
The only person I have to talk to about anime/manga stuff is actually a super pretty girl. Lots of pretty ladies have weird interests, it took me more than a year to find out another girl I was talking to was into woodworking, simply because it just never came up in conversation, and it's not like I'd ask if she were. Girls are people too, they're not just some beautiful surface.
>why on earth would anyone choose me over all the other ones who are much better off than me mentally, financially, and physically?
Because they like you and care about you, and spending time together in itself is enough. There's no need to go to expensive events or buy platters of shots at bars, in the end we're just people in rooms spending time together. Maybe some girl out there would be overjoyed to get to explore some of those same weird and allegedly nonconstructive hobbies with you, who knows.
>Every interaction I've had with women my age has been profoundly negative, and it feels like each one makes it harder for me to "open up"
That sucks, I'm sorry to hear that, and it's understandable to start to close up when you have to live through such times.
It helps to try to enforce a view of it being just individuals, because once you start thinking of it as being something that is inherent of whatever group they are part of (race, sex, political affiliation, whatever) it turns toxic, and it'll taint your future interactions.
>It's not about getting laid, it's about not wanting to rot away for the rest of my life alone in my shitty apartment with nothing to live for and nobody to love me
I believe in you sushi. Even if you get bad RNG with the people you meet, at least I believe you can get to somewhere where you can feel that you're okay as you are.

If I may give a small recommendation, it would be to try out keeping an intent of only friendly relations with the next few girls you meet, even if lust and feelings start to bubble up to just notice it and let it be without trying too hard to push it away. Just talk and get to know them without fishing for more. Once you have / you've had a female friend in your age-group you feel a good close connection with, women aren't so scary anymore. They're just people.


File: 1647755795121.jpg (252.41 KB, 950x1400, f0a97118a59f1b1989c8428281….jpg)

Thanks. Your words mean a lot. I guess I'm letting my past experiences cloud my judgement. It's hard not to. I feel like I should take a break from the internet because even on this site things like this /lounge/ post >>13414 and the normalfag bingo where everyone is better off than me are making me take psychic damage. Makes me feel like the universe is laughing in my face at my situation. (to be clear, I don't think there's a problem with either of those things being here. The last thing I want to do is police an imageboard based on my retarded fragile emotions)

And that's not even getting started on the things you can read about off this website. If you're sensitive enough to it like I am it really does seem like the internet is full of statements that boil down to "if you are X, Y, or Z, you deserve to be miserable". Between that and my past experience with the opposite sex, I think I end up projecting those opinionated roles onto real people when I meet them and it makes me withdraw. Especially if they're girls, but it happens with everyone truly. I don't make friends easily.

As you can probably guess I find a lot of what you're saying hard to believe even though I know logically you likely know better than I do. Things like
>Maybe some girl out there would be overjoyed to get to explore some of those same weird and allegedly nonconstructive hobbies with you, who knows.
Just sound laughable to me.

>people in general do react more to the way you carry yourself rather than your actual appearance.

Ah, I guess this is that mythical "self confidence" I keep hearing about. The key to not being lonely. tbh there's a part of me that finds this kind of statement more damning than anything else because while I know for a fact it's possible to take better care of myself and lose some weight, I don't understand how someone is supposed to cultivate self confidence. I suppose it will come with achieving other goals of mine, or at least I hope it will. It seems cruel that it's the case that people with no self-confidence are predetermined towards loneliness but I guess that's reality huh. I once got pushed into asking a girl I had never met before out just to try and help me get some confidence, but all it did was deeply upset me when she was obviously creeped out, then I cried about it for weeks.

>It helps to try to enforce a view of it being just individuals

>Girls are people too
Still pretty sure they're aliens tbh, I'm not convinced quite yet lol

>If I may give a small recommendation, it would be to try out keeping an intent of only friendly relations with the next few girls you meet, even if lust and feelings start to bubble up to just notice it and let it be without trying too hard to push it away. Just talk and get to know them without fishing for more. Once you have / you've had a female friend in your age-group you feel a good close connection with, women aren't so scary anymore. They're just people.

I will keep this in mind, thank you. Many of my bad interactions with women came from attempts at dating. I'm scared that I won't be able to control my loneliness though. A few years ago I got "friendzoned" in a very considerate manner, but I drifted away from her because I liked her too much and the idea of subjecting myself to that kind of longing scared me away. I regret it immensely, because I know I should have stayed around and tried to conquer my fear of girls and maybe I could have even met some more of her friends etc. I kick myself about that to this day.

The biggest problem I have I guess is that I don't know where to begin to interact with other people similar to me IRL. The internet is all I know.


Part 1 (lol dang, first time I gotta split up a post, board complained about "body too long")

>the normalfag bingo where everyone is better off than me
It can be deceptive though, since it's just dots on a matrix, there's very little context.
Like the house party thing, very different to be one of the people partying it up and talking to everybody and to be the one sitting alone nursing a drink/beer that you sip too a bit too frequently cause you can't do smalltalk. Maybe giving some attention to the household pet if there's one around cause that's the only other existence in the room you can vibe with. An IRL lurker if you will.

And if you're a former shut-in who haven't moved out yet with that still being far away economically, it kinda makes sense that you'd never be alone during birthdays/holidays since you've no choice but to spend it with family.

>The biggest problem I have I guess is that I don't know where to begin to interact with other people similar to me IRL. The internet is all I know.

That's the hard one. Also why I took so long to reply this time.
I can trace back pretty much all of my contacts to getting to know just one single dude that gave me a chance even though I was pretty much socially crippled, lots of patience and time before I started to peek out of my shell.
The only thing I can think of is to try to learn some kind of board game that has spaces to play actual physical games with people, like chess or equivalent. Seems like a place you could just keep to yourself and get comfortable while still interacting through the game itself. Other than as written more in depth below, maybe try to reach out to that girl.
Dunno about your situation or location, but my re-entry into the orbit of society is through a study-prep course, for people who haven't studied for a long time. Many of my classmates are different kinds of NEETs, or just social misfits of differing kinds. First time ever I've felt at ease in a school environment. Might exist similar things where you are, or maybe something aimed at people with social anxiety. Whether it's studies or work-training.

>I feel like I should take a break from the internet

It's good to trust gut feel. Easier to look at things with fresh eyes after a break, let old habits settle a bit. Gut feel often knows what's best.


File: 1648228785029.jpg (217.17 KB, 750x550, theGoodStuff.jpg)

Part 2

>more damning than anything else because .. I don't understand how someone is supposed to cultivate self confidence

A start could be to try to unravel the self dislike and horrible things you say to/about yourself that you never would to/about anyone else.
Even just a lack of negative self confidence is enough really, to make a huge difference in your social behavior and how people treat you. And once at that point it might sort itself out, just on account of you noticing what people appreciate about you. When you stop looking down into the ground you notice things that were there all along.
If you start to work on the positive before mending the broken stuff beneath it'll be likely to collapse, or take enough effort to keep up that you may become slightly unhinged and full of yourself instead, too synthetically puffed up, which also keeps healthy minded chill people away.

>got pushed into asking out a stranger just to try and help me get some confidence, was deeply upset me, then I cried about it for weeks

Again, gotta trust that gut. Asking people out at random when your gut is screaming no is just practice to go against your intuition, IMO.
Also can relate, prolonged my NEEThood by quite a bunch because of something similar, only it was me that pushed myself into it. During a short attempt at societal reinsertion, asked a girl out with a note (didn't help that it was super awkardly written) rather than actually trying to talk to her even once. Quite a while of internal screaming every time I remembered. Actually the first time remembering it without beating myself up about it, writing this post.
It helps to keep in mind that you'll be the one thinking about it for way longer, it probably wasn't that big of a deal in her life, people have likely treated her way worse.
And in the end it also means you're an okay and caring person, you felt that it was wrong. She wasn't just a test or an exercise to you. Imagine if you didn't feel anything about it, and how your life could have turned out then, and how many people you could've hurt. Lots of cold uncaring people out there. In comparison, crying is the best. You're one of the good ones, you just made a mistake.

>I'm scared that I won't be able to control my loneliness though

Being scared is okay. Would probably have been more weird if you weren't. All you can do is try your best, and that's enough.
It's mostly the worst at the beginning, once the actual friendship starts to bloom you get back more than you lose, and it turns into a net positive. And the initial entrypoint perspective matters a lot, it's so much harder when you actively hope for something back instead of just going with the flow.
>got "friendzoned" in a very considerate manner, but I drifted away from her, regret it immensely
Have you considered reaching out again?
Oftentimes people are just happy that you still remember them if you do. Worst case scenario things simply are like they already were, as long as you can deal with the blow if she's not interested in picking up where you left off.

Something I've been thinking of too, in some ways you are way stronger than me, which might sound weird to you. I just turned into a moving corpse in my NEET life, I couldnt cry or feel anything, because it would be too heavy. I'm honestly impressed you can face all those emotions and feel it all without disconnecting completely long term. I've been doing a lot of crying writing these posts, both for you and for myself, because I never got to feel those emotions then. It has helped me a bunch too, that you dared to open up, this is not something one-sided.
Even if we're just internet strangers, I do care about you, and I will be keeping my fingers crossed you see better times. I can't give you a real hug, but you can give yourself one from me sometime.


File: 1648525610477.jpg (75.28 KB, 286x327, 1588563167888.jpg)

>It can be deceptive though, since it's just dots on a matrix, there's very little context.
You're right of course, but I'm still in the minority regardless, in terms of the relationship experience stuff.

>try to learn some kind of board game

I used to play MtG, but I never made any friends through it. Certainly it wasn't a good way to meet girls lmao. You mention studying which is something I have hopes for. I'm pretty old for it at this point and have never gone, but I still want to go to college at some point. I wonder if the desire isn't misplaced though because to be honest I don't think I'm smart enough to learn anything and I mostly just have stupid pipe dreams about it helping my socialization and job prospects.

>A start could be to try to unravel the self dislike and horrible things you say to/about yourself that you never would to/about anyone else.

Yeah I know it. I have trouble doing this without "evidence" for it though which sounds like the most autistic thing in the world but like, if I'm gonna tell myself I'm not a gross creep then I need a reason to think that I'm not, and I really don't have any. The improvement to my self-image has to come after the improvements to myself, I think. I just keep fucking up on those improvements lol.

>Imagine if you didn't feel anything about it, and how your life could have turned out then, and how many people you could've hurt. Lots of cold uncaring people out there. In comparison, crying is the best. You're one of the good ones, you just made a mistake.

I really can't agree. You say I'm one of the "good ones" but I'm the one being hurt by something that should be normal and no big deal. It would seem to me that caring less about what other people think yields better results. There of course has to be a balance, it's bad to have zero empathy or connection to your emotions, but even then people will want to be around someone who is too stoic FAR more so than they'll want to be around someone who is too emotional. I genuinely think that people don't like people who are too sensitive/empathetic. I might be wrong as heck but my anecdotal experience is this.

>It's mostly the worst at the beginning, once the actual friendship starts to bloom you get back more than you lose, and it turns into a net positive. And the initial entrypoint perspective matters a lot, it's so much harder when you actively hope for something back instead of just going with the flow.

I will try to keep this in mind next time I have the opportunity to make a friend, thank you.

>Have you considered reaching out again?

Well for starters it was nearly 2 years ago that that I last talked to her. I have thought about it though. I really think it would just come off as me being a pest/orbiter. If I wanted to be "just friends" with her then why did I cut things off in the first place? Obviously I had reasons for doing so, but she doesn't know that, and to her it probably just looks like I don't see any value in her if she doesn't want to date me. I know if I was in her shoes I would view it as suspicious.

>in some ways you are way stronger than me, which might sound weird to you.

It certainly does! I'm the one who's basically on the verge of becoming some kind of walking stereotype of an angry imageboard incel lol. In terms of how you cope with emotional struggle I don't think "shutting down" is any better or worse than having the kind of violently depressive episodes that I do. It just comes down to how your brain is wired or something if I had to guess.

>It has helped me a bunch too, that you dared to open up, this is not something one-sided.

Even if we're just internet strangers, I do care about you, and I will be keeping my fingers crossed you see better times.
Aww thanks. It means a lot to me, too, that I'm not just venting impotently at someone who is only responding out of pity or boredom. I'll certainly give myself that hug.


i super broke over a relationship that ended a long time ago. shes really happy with her new bf now


File: 1649005621313.jpg (481.49 KB, 1305x1900, 1648761238354.jpg)

>The improvement to my self-image has to come after the improvements to myself, I think. I just keep fucking up on those improvements lol.
Lol, can I ever relate to that.
I like the keeping of a journal tho, helps me see progress and not get too caught up on fails and backsliding.
Also I've been reading this series which is nice:


>used to play MtG, but I never made any friends through it
But maybe you felt more at ease around people at least?
Small steps are important too. Easy to get caught up in the end goal and not see the small victories.
A "today I didn't feel as anxious as before" is worth to celebrate in itself IMO.
>pretty old for it at this point, but I still want to go to college
You can always get older, and more full of regret that you didn't. A friends dad is getting back into school actually, and he's like, I dunno, at least 50. He's gotta really be in for that "hello fellow kids" mood.
>don't think I'm smart enough, mostly just have stupid pipe dreams about it helping my socialization and job prospects
If you have something you want to study, you could always get a book on the subject and see for yourself, before you decide that you're not capable. Don't assume, especially since you're aware you have a bad self view.
>have trouble doing this without "evidence" for it which sounds like the most autistic thing in the world
I have body dysmorphia, which caused anorexia in my teens. Even when I got to the edge of being medically underweight all I could see was still just a fat ugly void creature.
What has helped me the most is focusing in on how you feel inside of the body rather than what you see in the mirror (I avoid looking too much since I can't know what I really look like anyway, have stopped listening to the self-abuse long enough that it has learnt that it's wasted effort to speak). Like just the actual sensations of being alive. Exercise in general helps, body feels better, you feel stronger and healthier. Improves that mind/body connection, less of a vague floating awareness. Looks are always up to the beholder anyway, as I've mentioned in earlier posts. You will always notice more flaws than anyone else, since you inspect yourself the most.
>by something that should be normal and no big deal
I dunno man. Isn't it kinda strange to ask someone to meet up just because they have a decent body? Completely detached from whatever kind of actual person they may be. It's more natural if you've actually met, or are meeting at some kind of event, and you feel a connection, and then you ask to meet them again sometime but alone.
>I genuinely think that people don't like people who are too sensitive/empathetic
It may depend on the way you let it outside, if you're comfortable or not.
For the most part in my experience people appreciate someone who actually cares rather than being in that modern give-no-fucks detached mentality. As an example, all of my teachers really seem to appreciate that I actually treat them like people instead of something almost part of the school building.
>nearly 2 years ago last talked to her, would just come off as me being a pest/orbiter.
Only if you ask more than once, or respond weirdly to a no.
And why not just tell it like it is? That you didn't think you could handle just being a friend at the time, but you've gotten to thinking otherwise and you're regretting that you didn't give it a chance to get to know her better. Some wording that feels true to you. A little honesty goes a long way.
>I'm the one who's basically on the verge of becoming some kind of walking stereotype of an angry imageboard incel lol
It's just the cards we're dealt, and people tend to only care about themselves. Distance themselves rather than try to help someone very apparently going bad ways. Would take some kind of superhuman to know how to solve doing everything wrong and nobody ever giving you tips rather than mistreating you.
It's why it's good why we sensitive folk are around, even if we're inclined to suffer more sometimes.


File: 1649247655281.jpg (837.26 KB, 1500x2123, anAbstractKindOfSmoke.jpg)

I'm starting to lose hope I might become human (as in, capable of keeping a roster of relationships and getting to experience warmth) again, not that I ever really was, but I did become hopeful.
It'd be way easier to just focus on interfacing with nonhuman mechanisms again.
I might have been put in a situation where people think I am something I am not, because they tend to simply assume their speculations are true without giving it any second thought, and I may already have been mistreated because of it, may be coincidence but it's highly unlikely.

Even with the people I have established connections with, it takes a lot of effort.
I thought I got to know someone I might be able to open up to, but it turned out to just be a mirage at best, or it's a person who's actively trying to gaslight me because it's one of the people who has pegged me as something of disagreeable societal/biological beliefs. It may have been actively trying to make me lose my grip on reality. It may have been trying to hurt me as much as possible. Either that or it's just completely lacking of self awareness, no soul left in those who walk the left hand path.

Thought I might be able to use this mind of mine to optimize reality for the better somewhat, but lately I've gotten to thinking people deserve everything they get if this is how they act towards one another. I have no petty desire for revenge, people are plenty capable of producing a very efficient hell for themselves all on their own. No need to spend the effort.


File: 1649516148517.jpg (4.77 MB, 2894x4093, 0a7499697489f256079cbd9f16….jpg)

You know what makes me sad? There doesn't seem to be a concrete place for sad people on the internet.
And the places that are there are filled with people who prey on others' insecurities so that they can agitate them towards their beliefs, it's very disingenuous and it pisses me off. I lost some good years of my life because of it and I really hope that the ones that do fall for bullshit eventually realise that they're not gonna go forward following others' ideals.
Sometimes I daydream of making an imageboard for sad sushis but managing one would be fairly cumbersome and tiring.


File: 1649697484521.jpg (145.8 KB, 505x768, 1478791446341-3.jpg)

Is it really that bad to offer a second perspective if one recognizes similar issues one has dealt with in some way?
The way I see it, the desire to share and get it out there is always at least fractionally a desire for change, for something to not be like it is. A small hope struggling.
If you truly wanted simply to continue with the sadness as you are, then why write about it? Or why write about it towards others rather than just in a diary?
When I carry darkness it always just feels weird and masturbatory to write about it the few times I tried.

But on the practical advice side, you don't need to make a whole new website just to fulfill your dream. You could just make a despair thread here in /hell/ where you specify in the OP that it's disallowed to offer a shoulder, differing perspective, or a helping hand.


File: 1649815518073.jpg (25.22 KB, 315x365, 1638234000485.jpg)

I hate that girls sitting next to me in the public transport will be as close as I'll get to having a girlfriend


File: 1649821255536.png (55.1 KB, 310x354, 0f5f604be23a26a06e4a815b23….png)

You're not alone brother
Let's not give up


I broke up with my girlfriend yesterday morning. I’m 18 and her expectations were way different than mine, she had a whole life together planned out, but that scared me. It feels like I became an adult yesterday. I still know nothing. And it was long distance which added an extra burden. To make matters worse, we both have very different mental illnesses. At a certain point my health got worse and I knew the relationship couldn’t be healthy, so I called to break it off.

We had a difficult heart to heart but I came away from the conversation with the sense that things would be OK. She said “it was a good conversation, I’ll be rooting for you” but I knew we wouldn’t be friends anymore.

Today I got a message from her best friend online that she told him she’s going to commit suicide at 2AM tomorrow.

I called my parents in a panic, my dad sent her father an email. We were friends all throughout high school, but nobody knew we were dating. If you can even call it dating, honestly. All we did was hold hands so it didn’t feel like much to me. I really considered her a true friend. It was my mistake to accept the offer to start a romantic relationship. It’s on me.

The only contact we have is an email for one of her parents. My dad emailed them.

It’s the worst feeling. I have no control. Neither me nor her friend can change her mind about her ending her life. I have no idea how her parents will respond to my dad and if they will help her or accidentally drive her to something worse. I feel responsible even though I know logically that there are so many other things influencing her depression. But I was still the straw that broke the camel’s back. Should I have stayed in the relationship that fueled anxiety in me and wouldn’t have worked out so she wouldn’t have tried to kill herself? Was I being insensitive? She said she knew everything I told her before I said it, but she still carried on the relationship too. And it still hurt her. To me, “being someone’s happiness” felt like a responsibility I wasn’t ready for, not a romantic sentiment. Especially in the lens of it being so dire

I just wish she could be happy. Everyone keeps saying, “there’s nothing you can do.” I know that. But it doesn’t make it better.


I've been working all day on this. I am in so much pain. Ended up finding a suicide note on reddit. She wrote about me and her other ex a bit in there, for one second. She called us wonderful and called the breakup amicable. So at least that wasn't completely destroying her.

Some friends and I basically cyber stalked her family which felt extremely shitty, but we managed to find a phone number for her dad. I called it. Scariest thing I've ever done in my life.

Thank god, I think he understood.

We're not out of the woods yet but her family loves her and now they know that something is wrong.

We have a friend on standby that she's been talking to that will call the suicide prevention hotline if she expresses that she's going through with it.

I'm sorry for blogging all of this. Writing it is the only way I can think to comprehend it.

I hope I've done all I can.


File: 1650047845687.gif (78.26 KB, 370x300, 5ebe1a1420814563eda320fa57….gif)

I want to be 15 again
I wanna go back in time and do all the things I should have done.
I lost all my chances by now


File: 1650161153607.png (625.18 KB, 783x782, marisa haa....png)

i feel like this depression isn't fading away any time soon


File: 1650573012630.jpg (296.26 KB, 1920x1440, 1469375697921-2.jpg)

The girl I have a crush on in class is way too caring and kind.
Already know the feelings are not in any way or form answered, admitted it pretty early and got turned way down.
She keeps being too inquisitive about my emotional life and I dunno how to turn down her attempts at connection without being harsh about it.

Like today, having a just sucky day in general, corpse mode essentially. To me totally normal, I'm "ok". I am used to this, have been at a functional level in this mode for multiple years (she just got to know me more alive at the beginning than my usual energy levels, me being freshly in love and all).

But she gets in my hair about it, asks if we can talk alone and stuff.
I tell it like it is, that it's not relevant how I feel. She doesnt grok, tries to argue against.
It might be relevant to me, it might feel relevant to her for some obscure reason, but it's not relevant between us.

Then she asks if I'm mad at her for something, which I can't even to begin with.
We have barely interacted at all for weeks, what could there be to be mad about?
Should I really have to spend the energy necessary to become a clown corpse putting on theatrics just so she doesnt "worry" about me or something like that? Some facade to put her at ease?


Today marks five years from the day I lost the love of my life. I wish I could say I'm doing better but I'm not.


File: 1651629878859.png (114.03 KB, 348x298, 29803b291cabaddda06d70d14d….png)

As time goes on, i feel less and less motivated to use the English language.
I feel tired talking while using it. It's so limited when it comes to expressing how you feel compared to your native language. And all the places I lurked on English, i never fit in any of them. I don't fit with anyone. I'll never fit with anyone.
I don't wanna live. I'm tired.


Certainly there must be an imageboard that uses your language somewhere


I lost someone very dear to me some months ago and I CANT FUCKING BEAR WITH IT JUST KILL ME NOW


I really just want to be able to talk to people normally. Even when I see people discussing things that I not only like, but know well enough to have in depth conversations about I am terrified of talking or even joining in on general discussion. Even just saying "hey guys" seems like a monumental hill to climb.

Entirely self caused and perpetuating and it really hurts. I can't even do it on the internet where it's nigh on inconsequential and I don't know why.


Do you mean on the internet or in real life?
Why do you feel this way? That's an incredibly important question to ask yourself. Is it because you're afraid of people being assholes? Well, assholes exist everywhere, but they're the minority in the grand scheme of things. A few bad people don't define any and all future attempts at socialization (Although if you are in groups where people are assholes and/or complacent with it, then you should leave for your own good. Imageboards especially are guilty of this kind of crap and people even go after me when I stand up for others getting shit on for no reason).
Are you afraid of rejection? Well, its the same case as above too! It is hard work to find people you "flow" with, but the journey is worth it, and teaches you about yourself as well, which is arguably the most important part of it all.

You really just need to get out there and not be afraid of trying new things. Don't let cruel people get to you (and don't let them deceive you into thinking that you need "thicker skin" since its only ever said by assholes who want to deflect from their own shitty behavior (and usually can't take insults themselves)).

[Return][Go to top] [Catalog] [Post a Reply]
Delete Post [ ]
[ kaitensushi ] [ lounge / arcade / kawaii / kitchen / tunes / culture / silicon ] [ otaku ] [ yakuza ] [ hell ] [ ? / chat ] [ lewd / uboa ] [ x ]