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 No.2034[Last 50 Posts]

Why are you sad? What are your troubles?


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I'm conflicted. On one had this thread encourages the already rampant whining and blogging but on the other hand it might serve as containment.


>hurrdurr emotions are bad


too much hostility on this website tbh famalam


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I think I'm god, but I can't prove it.


Well that disproves it then right? God should be capable of anything, including proving it's own godliness.


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How do you prove that you are yourself when everone else is not?



A rotating wheel. Turning an axle. Grinding. Bolthead. Linear gearbox. Falling sky.

Seven holy stakes. A docked ship. A portal to another world. A thin rope tied to a

thick rope. A torn harness. Parabolic gearbox. Expanding universe. Time controlled

by slipping cogwheels. Existence of God. Swimming with open water in all directions.

Drowning. A prayer written in blood. A prayer written in time-devouring snakes with

human eyes. A thread connecting all living human eyes. A kaleidoscope of holy stakes.

Exponential gearbox. A sky of exploding stars. God disproving the existence of God. A

wheel rotating in six dimensions. Forty gears and a ticking clock. A clock that ticks

one second for every rotation of the planet. A clock that ticks forty times every time

it ticks every second time. A bolthead of holy stakes tied to the existence of a docked

ship to another world. A kaleidoscope of blood written in clocks. A time-devouring

prayer connecting a sky of forty gears and open human eyes in all directions.

Breathing gearbox. Breathing bolthead. Breathing ship. Breathing portal. Breathing

snakes. Breathing God. Breathing blood. Breathing holy stakes. Breathing human eyes.

Breathing time. Breathing prayer. Breathing sky. Breathing wheel.


based schizo poster


i may be developing some mental condition and im afraid my bf no longer enjoys talking to me


I cant breathe and every day i wake up in the same room and the feeling of waking up is crushing, nothing i do is enjoyable anymore. it used to be that i just tricked myself into not enjoying anything but now everything i used to enjoy is hollow and empty and i have a growing silence inside that makes it hard to hear anything, there are no productive tasks to do except for the ones i do on a regular basis, nothing new to do that will improve or make me happier. i my friends wont call me back because they are doing something else. i post long messages a short or dismissive response. people online ignored what I posted and I haven't activated the dopamine. Looking at vicious sights online of the pornography that makes the other sickos disgusted by me does not bring happiness. I want to feel strong emotion but I cannot. Even praying is difficult. Hugging my blankets doesnt feel good anymore. I'm not ugly, I am not disfigured. I'm sick of hearing my voice. I am living in unreality. My family hates me or shows me indifference. I need strong healthy community and lasting friendships, the food here is bad. We are running out. Fruit and vegetables, meat. Starch. Keeps me happy. Anything sweet or salty causes me to feel pain. It used to make me happy, does not anymore. Music gets older a lot faster. When . I work a job that I hate, nobody cares what I do. I hate what I do every day. I serve the novel fantasies of maangement. I am hiding from my friends. I am hiding from my family. Every post is recorded, alll my emails are compromised I feel (thtey are not) unless I have never used them before, then they are clean. I'm constantly planning my escape and how I can be safe. No one can be allowed to contact me, then I will feel safe. The less contacts the better, social media is bad. I don't use social media but when I look at it it has memes, self referential and bad. Sushi is beautiful, girls is beautiful. Don't want to live in unreality anymore. News is making me feel the wrong kind of violence inside. I don't use the cold on my shower anymore, I don't know if I am showering? sometimes I forget. the little hearts are really cute, I don't want to post anything about myself online, I want to delete all my professional profiles and be hidden. I want to destroy all my possesssions, I want to delete everything with my name on it. I look on my possessions with contempt and disgust, the less I own the better. I still have too much, I , , save things in places that only I can find, and that I cannot delete.


I talked to the admins and they won't delete what I've posted. I want to block my old friends. They are bad influences. They gossip to me, they send me bad things, by blocking out everything without, I can only hear the dissonence within. Doing the right thing doesnt feel good anymore, doing the wrong thing never felt good. Waking up is getting really, really difficult. I think I'm always being watched but I'm not paranoid. I used to go online but I was the fool to everyone else. I played retarded so long that I actually became retarded. I don't know if I'm in on the joke anymore. I don't know who I am laughing with. I had some work that I did solely to get applause online, no one clapped. No one really cared enough. I needed a lot, a lot of validation and I didn't get it. I gave up.I feel deeply unsafe in my head, online, and in real life. I am more and more afraid to be seen. I try not to be seen at all. I don't like to eat a lot of meals, I have been avoiding eating or drinking. Sleep is bad but ssomehow I've been worse. Because I am working so I have to sleep. Sometimes I sleep during meetings. Please do not contact me. If you know who I am and you read this, DO NOT CONTACT ME. DO NOT BROWSE THIS WEBSITE. DO NOT BROWSE THIS WEBSITE. DO NOT FOLLOW ME ONLINE. DO NOT COME IN. YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED HERE, YOU CANNOT COME HERE. I do not want to be seen, I do not want to be followed. I stare hammers. The first sushi, doesn't look real. First from the top. I will repeat once again before I go into this: DO NOT CONTACT ME IF YOU KNOW WHO I AM. DO NOT CONTACT ME. DO NOT CONTACT ME. Every document has a paper trail. I don't want to be tracked down, here. If you talk to me, give me everything in written communication, I will respond in unrecorded voice. I will archive your responses and say as little as possible myself. I will ask questions and give you nothing. When the police came, I didn't ask anything, I did give information, It was nothing. S(he) was fine. In line with deletion, I want to delete (most of) all of my memories. I hate remembering things about my life so far. I have no saved photographs of myself, except one so I can show what haircut I want, another for professional, another has an avatar. If you forget your memories, you're not responsible for them anymore. I have a lot of guilt. I wasn't sexually abused because I said yes. Every single time. I try to get rid of my happy memories too because I might remember something bad. That's why I don't take pictures. They say my voice is robotic. I'm not all for productivity. I know I need to do something in life, I do a few things, but I don't enjoy them very much. Fruit, vegetables, these are fine. I do have a small garden, it's not really mine. I don't want to say any more about that. Repeating a third time, DO NOT CONTACT ME. YOU DO NOT KNOW WHO I AM. I will divulge one memory, but I won't write it here. It makes me wonder for mystery. Cut everyone off. Don't call me stupid. I remember every time you call me something wrong. You say it as a teasing and healthy joke, I think? You apologize for it later. I have the receipts, I can prove it. I laughed too but it keeps hurting more. DO NOT FIND ME. I don't want to read this. My life goal: a long, repeated note that plays until it stops. I will accept any length of life. Human chanting is the highest form of music. There are very few tones and it goes on in a simple call and response. The words spoken are true and sure. I wish for my life to be like a chant, that goes on serenely even if I feel bad. I don't care if I become strong or proficent at anything. Don't find me, don't find this place. I remember what i say. Try writing this yourself, you can't do it. You are beautiful too. You're worth loving. You are beautiful and unique. Be stilll. I love you, .


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Nope that assumes the omnipotency of an Abrahamic god. I could totally be a god of procrastination and laziness. Read these


Surely we don't want to become another facebook or twitter?
If you were a god you would be able to prove it somehow. Prove of a god is what makes someone a god, otherwise you aren't. If you can't prove it then you have no power, unless you forget that you are a god, or somehow cease to be a god for a limited time.
If someone cares about you enough to stalk you then you can rest peacefully knowing that you are loved.
Sometimes I want to run away from it all and go live in the woods somewhere


>If someone cares about you enough to stalk you then you can rest peacefully knowing that you are loved.
That, or you're under investigation for committing internet crimes.


Anyone else experiencing troubles with their food?

I lost my appetite during a depression I had last year and lost 8kg because of it. I don't feel hunger that often anymore, and when I do I get full with a very small portion. And I experience a stomachache each week.

What should I do?


I'm not sad, I'm just angry


Maybe something in your diet is triggering your problems?


Do you feel hungry once you start eating? If you haven't eaten for a long time (like when you've just woken up) you'll stop feeling hungry because you obviously don't have food on you and suffering won't help you catch a buffalo. Maybe going hungry for a long time reduced your time to not hungry somehow. I know this sounds like the most obvious shit ever, but if you're not already then my genuine advice is to eat at least 2 healthy, good sized meals every day even when you're not hungry.


That might very well be a possibility. I think I'll start journaling about what I eat and try to find a pattern. Thank you for pointing it!

>Do you feel hungry once you start eating?
I don't, some days I go the whole day without feeling hunger.

>my genuine advice is to eat at least 2 healthy, good sized meals every day even when you're not hungry

Yes, I try to do that. I stopped losing weight since I started "forcing" myself to eat. But sometimes it's difficult to do it when I'm having one of those stomachaches…


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Uhhh.. yeah.
I used to have dreams about having sex with my sister a couple of months ago. Yeah I know I'm scum and it made me feel pretty shitty and I just sort of avoided her for a while. I want to think that dream's a dream and they don't have to make sense but I just can't get this idea out of my head that it might be wish fulfillment as well. I don't want to think about this too much.


As I get older going out with friends is still just as fun as ever, but for a while now I've gotten a real sense of melancholy about it whenever I head home and go to sleep. I think it has to do with how, despite my age, I feel like I haven't "moved" as a person since I was a teenager. It seems the world and the people I know in it have all pulled ahead of me, and it's only a matter of time before I'm too far behind to catch up.


If you don't find yourself rejuvenated talking to these people then it may be worth wondering whether hanging out is worth the time.


I'm lonely and sad and I hate myself, and I deserve it all because I no longer care to try and change it.



Thanks for sharing that. There's something cathartic about listening to songs that speak about how you're feeling.


A theory I have is you will always be lonely, even around others, when you don't like yourself anymore.
After being physically alone for half a year, clinging onto "life-support" of talking online with friends and others, this is what I've found. It's a long road ahead. Maybe I'm wrong.
But I'm cheering for you. Please try again!
And if you figure it out, help me out :)


I've got a lot of things going on, but the main thing that hurts the most at the moment is that my little sister puts no effort into talking to me. The only time she really does is when I initiate it and even then it seems to take her days to respond even when I see that she's online. We don't live together and live in different, but close, towns. The only real way I get to interact with her is through Facebook. I would move mountains for that girl, I would gladly sacrifice everything for her but she doesn't seem to care or even think about me. I'm stuck living with my grandparents due to financial reasons and difficulty with getting a job, she rings my grandma frequently to talk but that's it.
Our mum raised me to see the three of us as a team and when she died I was hoping my sister would keep in touch with me, I expected her to actually go out of her way to talk to me as well and not have it be one sided. I can't talk to anyone in real life about it since people in my family always gave the impression that they never took my feelings seriously.
I'm starting a course in September that should hopefully help me land a job as an orderly or something similar to that. My plan is to get a job somewhere else and just gradually lose contact with my family at this point. Of the two people that kept me grounded, one is dead and the other doesn't seem to care so there's no point in staying and being here is only making me stew in my misery. I don't know what else to say so I'll stop here.


If it gives you any solace, as the younger sibling it's really easy to take things for granted.
Life moves quickly around you and you're just okay with it, you don't have much of a choice…
until you realize you need to be a part of it to keep going.



Thanks for the post and the new band.


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A cool premise is how there's always a moment to give toward the new-one-else that'll warp into a narrative that, although it may turn into something you will jam deep into an unconscious corner, there's still, well… maybe one of these moments will continue long enough to have a seat front and center on conscious-central, and you don't mind the billboard space it may take up.
Sometimes it's easy to resent all of the attention you've given to body-bags-of-flesh in the past but! the best thing to remember is you aren't the same person anymore.
I sometimes wish a way to write it all off though.
I'm really hating how much time I've given to others who aren't worth even the salt-sweat of the new-one-elses' out there.

I wouldn't mind a big cornedbeef hash bowl with ketchup to sweeten.
Saw some images had eggs, that's smart.
Yolk and ketchup is incompatible though.

No problem, hope you feel better.


I was a really lazy shit in high school and just went to a community college for a few semesters, continued my lazy shit lifestyle, wound up falling into a routine of getting stoned and drunk everyday and took a few years off of school, started going back to uni last year but struggled in my second semester back, was going stoned to class all the time and really just not taking it seriously enough, which being made to switch to online zoom classes really didn't help. Now it's summer break and I've sobered up, stopped hanging around with my old social group thinking I'd have less distractions and opportunities to fall back into bad habits, but the thing is now I just have to pass time on the internet alone until the later half of August when classes start back up. So I have all this energy and motivation to get a degree and start moving up in the world but nothing to really put it toward for a while


I don't mean to accuse you here, but do you actually have a proper conversation with her or do you talk AT her? I have older siblings that reach out all the time, but it's a drag to talk with them I don't even try anymore. I never initiate anything with them or put effort into thoughtful responses because they always gloss over what I say, never properly listen or respond, and so on. My whole family does this to everyone actually, and it seems to be quite a common thing when I watch other people talk. If you actually properly listen and respond to what she says then I don't know what her problem is.


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I vow to make my everyday life as varied as possible once the new semester starts.
Until then, it's two months spent at home, idling day and night.


This sounds like a bad idea. The reason new years resolutions notoriously fail is because a special start date is only inspiration, not motivation. I've done this kind of thing and I always returned to old habits after a couple of days. Honestly it sounds more like an excuse to feel fine doing nothing. My advice is to act now rather than waiting for life to happen to you.


Uni is hard! Use the time to study ahead for sure.


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All my successive summer plans had to be repeatedly cancelled due to the pandemic, everything's closed down again, and I'm stuck in my small town without cousins or friends since we're back on lockdown. I've literally got nothing but my computer right now.
The reason I'm waiting for September is because that's when I'm back in my (abroad) uni town, and I can't afford to miss my plane for that by getting stuck somewhere or catching the 'rona.

You're right, though, I should probably start at the lowest level I can right now – shifting my internet habits.


I understand where you're coming from. I try to ask her about her day, what her plans are and other things to try and avoid a yes/no answer kind of situation. I don't actually initiate conversations to just talk about myself but rather try to get her to start talking to me and open up more. We've been fairly distant for quite a few years now and I've been trying to figure out what kinds of interests she has now compared to when she was younger since I also understand that she'll obviously not be into the same sort of things as when she was a kid. I used to do things like send youtube videos of songs I'm into to get an idea of her taste in music and ask her about her opinion on what I share with her and ask her to share some of her musical tastes back with me. Last time I talked to her was to show her a Moshi Monsters DS game that was being sold on Ebay while I was on there looking at DS games to buy myself, joking with her that I'll get that for her. I also do understand that I'm a really awkward person but I've tried getting across to her that I miss her and want to hang out with her without being too heavy handed and pathetic about it as well. At one point she was talking about us renting a house together to live in and while I was looking at houses for rent in our town and showing her all I'd get were messages back like "that's a nice house". One day I showed my grandma a couple houses that the two of us could rent just for my grandma to tell me that my sister had already gotten a house of her own to rent and stay in, something that had happened almost a fortnight earlier and I was never told about.
I don't know man, maybe what you said is right and I've fucked up, but I've tried with her and since making that post I am feeling better so I might keep trying with her. I really don't want to lose her.


It sounds like you actually put effort and care into talking to her, so I'm not sure what the actual problem is. I was reading your old post again and was thinking about how you were saying you, your sister, and your mother used to be a team, but after her death you grew apart? Maybe she finds it painful to talk to you because it brings up bad memories? Usually after tragic events like that people tend to either cling or distance themselves. Then again, I really have no idea and I may be putting words in her mouth. Honestly I think you should try asking her directly if you haven't already. Be like "hey, it feels like we've grown apart, can we have a serious talk about this? is there anything I can do to make things better?"

In the meantime don't be too hard on yourself. You're doing all you can


I regret moving away from my family over two years ago. I think certain psychological flaws once manageable were laid bare in the change of environment/dynamic. I thought all I needed was time to turn things around – and indeed I believe I've figured some things out – but ultimately it seems I'm worse off. I regret not getting help sooner; I've never trusted psychologists, but I think I needed some kind of leverage in my situation that simply isn't organically available from those around me. It makes me sad how long this has gone on and that I'm just barely starting to pick up the pieces (hopefully).


Corona came and fucked everything up. I was improving, made a social circle, and then the lockdown came and my social skills atrophied. Lost many of the friends I made because they moved back to their countries and/or lost touch because of time or because I fucked things up. It's a slap in the face when I see stuff like people talking about mental illness and how suicide rates are up because of Covid, and I cannot tell anyone about my depression because I know it's counterproductive. People don't care; they treat you walking on eggshells at first and get tired of it and leave. Your best bet is to just hide your mental fuckededness


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I admitted betrayal to a girl I loved and haven't come up with a proper response after breaking her heart. I've already spent weeks writing drafts I never send and feeling remorse for what I did. Even before this I've done nothing but hurt her more and more with my behavior, making her feel smaller and emptier. She was guilty of loving me despite all my faults, lost in trying to please someone that could never appreciate it. I feel it'd be worse to reach out again after such a long period of silence. Anything that I'd write would be pointless, wouldn't it? What do I even say? It feels like any sort of interaction directed to her would feel scummy after this point. I want to see her happy, so if that means removing myself out of the picture I'll do so. Maybe that's just a convenient method of running away again…

After looking at my behavior in the past with other relationships I realize I might have borderline personality disorder. My depression, chronic emptiness, splitting, self-loathing, unstable emotions, poor memory and fears of abandonment started to make sense. It's predictable and has a name… but it's also going to be a long journey to suppress these symptoms. I've usually directed them inwards instead of acting out and lashing at others, at least not directly, but it still led to a lot of hurt. I wish I could apologize to each of the people I've strung along, they didn't deserve to be treated like that. I've lost so many friends it's hard to keep track. Every couple of years I'm a different person trying to blend in to feel some sense of self or belonging. Giving it a name doesn't change anything about my horrible actions or damage I've caused. It's hard not to agree that I'm just a disgusting person everyone should just stay away from. Especially with reputation that BPD has online. Knowing my best ability is doing harm to the people that care about me makes having lasting interpersonal relationships, outside of family, feel impossible. I'm just distracting myself with media until my online college semester starts and I can pretend I'm going anywhere at all. Maybe I'll actually start drawing again.

I don't know if it's okay for me to exist. I'm just a bullet meant to be dodged.


I lost the love of my life three years ago. Ever since then I've been living in a trance. I can't even talk about it. Nothing I do feels right. I don't want to live like this anymore.


Reaching out is definitely the best option, at least in the long run. I've been on both ends of this, losing someone over the slow festering of regrets and unanswered questions is the worst feeling in the world. She'll be upset when you talk to her, but don't let that stop you because you would be doing something really kind. Explain that you're sorry for all the ways you hurt her (use specifics like how your behaviour made her feel small and empty to show you understand and that her feelings were legitimate), and explain that you think you have BPD (literally just copy your entire 2nd paragraph, it explains things perfectly and won't feel gratuitous as long as you do the stuff about her first) and you're getting help (which you should be, if you're not going to then don't say you are). Don't mention or hint at getting back together, that would make the whole thing seem insincere when it obviously is sincere (there are a lot of people who can do this sort of thing with absolutely no remorse at all). I was serious about getting help, you can become a better person.


I'm sorry about that sushi roll. What happened?


I forced myself to believe all these dumb platitudes about having confidence and just being yourself and how there's somewhere out there for everyone, but after a year and a half now of honestly trying to get a date I'm ready to sink back into cynicism. I want to have a family someday but the time to start that sort of thing was 3-4 years ago. Time is moving faster as I get older but I'm still just as afraid of the opposite sex as ever. I miss the optimism I used to have that someday I'd just happen to meet someone like I met all my guy friends who I could be around without feeling like an alien. I'm angry at the world for letting me think that there's no such thing as someone who's destined to die alone. Apologies for venting but I've no other place to let these feelings out.


We're all destined to die alone. Some of us are lucky enough to get to sit by the fire a while but everybody walks away into the cold night sooner or later. It's gonna be ok.


I dunno if that makes me feel worse or better… but it's food for thought and I appreciate the perspective sushi roll.


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I am neurodivergent (autistic and possibly ADHD) and recieved no support as a child and therefore I have been unable to properly socialize or concentrate on anything growing up. I'm now asocial and have been stuck in a dead end minimum wage job for years with no desire to accomplish anything worthwhile in life and at this point I want to be a NEET and sleep a lot.


>I am neurodivergent (autistic and possibly ADHD) and recieved no support as a child and therefore I have been unable to properly socialize or concentrate on anything growing up.
For a split second I thought I wrote this post. Because this is exactly what eats at me, the knowledge that I've basically been fucked over by my childhood.

Used to wonder why it was that all the other autists in school got to make friends, gain recognition for their talents, and even have relationships. Then in adulthood I realized why. It all boiled down to the support they had growing up. A loving family free of abuse and divorce, that actually raised their kid instead of just doing the bare minimum to keep them alive. Or at the very least, didn't abuse the shit out of their kid and let them be their own person.

I'd kill to have grown up like that. Don't know why I had to grow up with everyone hating me. And the more I think about it, the more robbed I feel. It's not like it's something I can just "move on" from either, because it's stunted me in so many ways, and with me being little over a year from 30 it's not like I can fix all the damage that's built up over the years.


are you me?


God I am so empty


i am hikkokomori neet 10 years i got no fucking job man


Not finding anything I could hold to. Just to survive.
The void is really awful…


I find it kind of dreadful how sometimes you may think you got the thread of life, but then the boat gets rocky and you lose it again later on.


Nobody will ever like me. I don't know why I'm still trying.


Sometimes it's good to be flawed, it means people will not annoy you




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Finally thought I attained the idealistic uni life I've been working towards only for it to disappear with corona. Got strung along a job application for 3 months and just got turned down after the last interview. I'm tired of looking forward to things. Back to NEETdom I go.


I took the plunge and updated my computer from windows 7 to windows 10. after using windows 7 for nearly ten years i figured it was time to do it.
now my computer wont connect to any network and doesnt recognize my second monitor. this is up there with some of the worst mistakes ive ever made, i feel like a fucking idiot for listening to anyone who told me to update. i should have never left windows 7.


it's ok man, just go back to windows 7, you've got nothing to worry about

unless you need a key now? you could always download a cracked copy of windows 7 ultimate


You should probably at least update to windows 8 though if you won´t stay at 10, since win7 is is already EOL and won´t get security updates anymore. Not a good idea to run a very vulnerable system connected to the internet.


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Uhh, there is always Linux when Windows doesn't work for you anymore, but it has it's own problems…


I just want to sleep forever


FOr th e most part I do not feel anything I am miserable due to so called mental illness I am unsure if it is purely neurological and psychological or a combination of everything including spiritual.
Sushi's I used to cry all day every day for many years as one of those shut in types yet I did not want to become a normal person it was not for me not for lack of ability but lack of desire and enjoyment.
But I felt good I felt in heaven I felt platonic love I felt friendship and it was good it was so good that it broke me when it ended I became shattered I lost my feeling and now if I ever feel anything it is about my old friendship I make the tears but I do not truly feel the sadness.
Sushi's I am getting tears and a lump in throat writing this I am a sum of mistakes I have tried hard but for what I am aimless and a ship that sails in any direction while directionless.
I fight my philosophy but it leaves me as a loser it simply makes sense and I wish I could latch onto faith or do away with reason you cannot intellectually dig yourself out of a hole.

The truth is I am jealous of sushi rolls I see that wish they had a GF or anything for what I want I can never have.. my OS is corrupted and wont run the same programs it could I am defeatist but tried so hard to care for so long.
Life is always getting worse as I observe laughing as an outsider lacking the association with my self an identity that changes often and not connected to the "I".
I wish to die but know I am always changing my mind on everything relating to myself I am lost maybe I gave up on giving up.

Sorry for the rant post but I do not know why I am sad I was always sad it is the normal state for me but what I mentioned hurts me so much.


It really sucks when your friends upset you inadvertently just through normal discussion of normal person things. I don't want people to walk on eggshells around me, and I don't want to be a downer to anyone. The best solution it seems is just to go home later and have a cry about it. Maybe vent on the internet too.


want to tell what whappened?


I don't even remember what was said at this point, it was some kind of friendly discussion that turned to stories of past relationships, of which I have none. Like a lot of other people online it just comes down to me being depressed and tfw no gf and shit. I'm old enough now that time and happenstance and life choices have sorted out the losers from the winners in my group of peers as it were. I still sometimes think maybe I can "get there" but each day that passes just cements me further into what I already am.


Never felt as close to suicide as I did this morning. I feel a little better now, but I know it'll be back tomorrow.

Are you doing any better today sushi?


Be well roll, it'll be okay
Don't be afraid to reach out, whether it's to friends, family, hotlines or even imageboards


I just finished scrubbing all my friends from my discord and steam accounts, the only channels i really use for comms. I feel like I'm much less of a burden on them now.

Not that sushi, but…

God I wonder if those things actually genuinely help anyone. I remember calling one when I was much younger, maybe 16-ish years ago and it was completely unhelpful.


Thanks sushi

Just make sure they can find you again if they want to. Maybe they will, that would be proof you're not a burden.


>God I wonder if those things actually genuinely help anyone
To be honest I've never used one so I probably shouldn't have included it


I'm still dealing with the usual depression/anxiety combo, but over the past couple days my main issue has been trying to eat healthier. I haven't ordered fast food in over a month but I still find myself binging, today it was on bikkies.


I've put myself on two meals per day with very little snacks, but sometimes I leave the gap between meals too long and end up binging on potechi because i feel too anemic to spend 30 minutes making something properly.
I found if I just don't have anything to snack on except something kinda bland, this really discourages me to from binging. If I'm caught really hungry, I'll nibble a few snacks and leave most of my appetite for proper healthy-ish meals.

So maybe try put the bickies away, only get something like digestives (non-choccy kind) or something similar. Something that you can still eat as a snack, but not really binge-worthy by themselves.


I'm in my early 20s and I'm getting sick of dealing with millennials. Don't get me wrong, I don't think my generation is perfect by any means, but man, you guys are the pits. You're so damn whiny, cynical, and ungrateful.


Are we not millenials too?


I think the youngest millenials/oldest zoomers are 22, so they could be Gen Z if they're 20-22 Holy fuck I feel old


Yesterday I was talking about something that happened in 2017 and I almost said "yeah it was last year"
Naruto ended 7 years ago it's insane


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I'm pretty big into this one mini game in a game. Part of a community dedicated to playing it, specifically playing it with people that pay in game money for good players to play with.
I never feel like I'm good enough at it against my peers. They always do so much better and know so much more than me and it always frustrates me how poorly I perform with no improvement in the months I've put into it. Watching people I started playing with at the same time out class me so far. I also get the feeling I have a weird reputation and no true friends in the community I'm in. Everyone's an acquaintance really. I'm never picked in the first few drafts for teams when team captains pick players or I see that teams I'm in a lot of people never join in.
One time we where doing a fun tournament with the group I mostly play in. A member of our team said that me and them should swap roles because I was doing so badly, we won, but that hurt and mostly confirmed how I was feeling. Usually I think people are being polite.
Think it hurts more because of the time investment I've made and the fact it's the only thing I do. I don't even enjoy it any more I just don't have anything else. I think I've lied to my self too much with the "I'm just playing for fun, I don't care about my personal best times" line that I'm not having fun. I found my self in a sort of community leader role that I think puts an expectation on me that I can't meet. I'm expected to be able to judge other players skill to say if they are allowed to play with us or not. I have no idea how or why I got this position.

tldr of my blog: gamer of a game in a game is sad that their life sucks and the game that made them happy doesn't make them happy, it makes them sad because of how bad they are.


I need help
There is no help
I don't want to be awake


I hope you had a nice sleep.
I hope you had a nice wake up too.


sorry I posted while I was having a panic attack and couldn't delete it. I had lots of sleep, just having a sad week.


Everyone is replying to me with sages and they're making me feel dumb


sage is not a downvote.
if it really must be construed as negative, then at most it's only negative to their own post. it's a humble way of posting a message, saying that their post is not worthy of bumping a thread.

I hope you're not really down about sage posts of all things.


I'm not the person you're replying to, but I honestly do think that some people go overboard with their usage of sage. Like, I understand using it for small off-topic comments or the like, but I remember there was a period of time on Sushichan where I noticed a lot of perfectly on-topic posts that were sage for absolutely no apparent reason (my guess is that it was just one person sageing all of their posts, but I have no way of knowing that for sure), and it honestly kind of annoyed me because it made me feel like I had to scroll through a lot of posts to see if there was anything new posted, instead of just looking at the most recently bumped posts on kaitensushi.


I use sage a lot. I just feel my posts are not important enough to bump the thread to the front.


my phone's tempered glass shattered today. was having a great one until that happened… agh I know this is lame but after weeks of being all-around miserable, I thought I made it out until reality hit me in the face, lol. guess that's life

it's an imageboard, sushi. nobody's posts are more important than another person's.


>I'm expected to be able to judge other players skill to say if they are allowed to play with us or not.


hello sushi i dont where i should start.
i noticed that i cant still let go a old relationship from 5 years ago, i mean sometimes i feel very nostalgic with the old time when i use to be more happy, (i already know that my happiness does not depend on other people)
Sometimes when the nostalgia hit me hard i use to scream internally.


a plate of my car came off after someone grazed me on the expressway… the tub is clogged… I have mountains of emails to respond to… man


Table 'sushigirl_vichan.telegrams' doesn't exist



I feel as though I've wasted a lot of time and lost the curiosity and awe I used to have years ago. I suppose its been useful in that its been a teacher of life skills and outlook, but clearly I could've used time better such as for exercising, studying, etc. No point dwelling in the past, though.
Nothing really all that bad except for problems coming from within myself. Circumstances are more than fine. I've been gifted the freedom to lead my life in any way I so please.


Sad because I don't like myself and I don't know how to get better.


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Decades of isolation and shame await me if I don't build up the courage to kill myself and the prospect terrifies me.


If you'd want I could be someone to talk to, I can't promise that I'll be a friend, but at the least I won't disappear on you or judge.
I mean it should probably take less courage to have a chat than to end things forever.
Just give me a heads up if I should post a throwaway mail-address or something.


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I frankly get tired of people who romanticize suicide because of some dumb temporary problem.
Most of the time they never go through the act, they just want something
>Isolation and shame
I don't see the issue with not talking to anyone, nor I see any reason to feel shame about anything. For the former you gotta learn to love yourself since that's the only person who will always be with you, and for the latter you gotta realize your mistakes and accept that they happened, no reason to get stuck on the past.
You should try something you've never attempted before. Suicide is not one of them, you screw it up and you end up FUBAR for the rest of your life.


I’m thousands of miles away from home with a friend, I hurt her feelings earlier and she left the hotel room. I know she needs space but I’m really fucking worried because she‘s the type that might stay out really late and sleep outside. I’m worried she’s going get hurt, or worse. Her phone is dead and she’s depressed and oh my god I am going to cry. If she’s not back in an hour and a half I’m going to put on shoes and look for her even though I know it’ll upset her because I cannot take the potential bad alternative. Lord help me.


OK she got my message and her phone is on so I’m less worried now. Holy shit.


Update, everyone is safe and sound. Sorry for live-blogging my mental breakdown. Just needed an outlet at the time.


It's okay sushi, I'm glad it all worked out


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I've been severely depressed for a while, enough that it effectively left me bed ridden for the extent of the lockdown. I usually didn't feel I could talk about it openly aside from my therapy sessions, but a recent event really put me in a very painful place.
My mother has been homeless for years now, so I don't get to see her too much. The few times I did she seemed like she was in good health, but she wouldn't be homeless if everything was okay with her. She recently called me after like a year of silence. Suffice to say I was very happy to hear she wasn't struck by COVID-19. But then, she asked if I could take her out of state, to a place like 8 hours away. I was caught off guard, and didn't really know what to do, as I haven't driven that far yet, and the whole thing was so sudden. I ended up refusing, but she seemed okay with it, and reassured me she was fine. We spoke a little more before hanging up. She was using a phone at a homeless shelter, so I couldn't get back in touch with her when I thought about it a bit more and changed my mind.

Since then, I've been feeling a mix guilt, shame, and a deep sadness I couldn't name. When I tried to talk about it with my therapist, I felt the weight of those emotions, such that it silenced me. Even after the session, I feel like I'm being crushed by sadness, and even though I'm happy my mother is okay, it seemed to open up an old wound I had all but forgotten. It has already put me down for a day, and it may take me out for a few more if I'm unable to properly cope and face it.

Pic unrelated. I just like Strawberry Shortcake.


There are times where I really, really, REALLY hate my life situation.
It's not terrible, I have somewhere to sleep, my computer, but still, could be an awful lot better.


My cat injured her eye a month ago and regardless of applying medicine every day it's not recovering at all. I keep telling my family to keep her inside so she's safe but no one listens. Too broke to pay for another vet exam.

What should I do rolls?


I’m not sure what you *can* do in this situation, sushi, other than giving your cat the love and attention she deserves. Wishing you luck.


I saw friends today and all it did was leave me drained and sad because I have to pretend like the discussions and jokes being made don't hurt me. I wish I wasn't like this.


I'm tired, I've been constantly tired for years.
It started with slight health issues, some got better some got worse - being physically tired is my normal state though.
I used to hide away in my invincible world of books and knowledge, it got me quite ahead.
Yet sadly, for the last few years, I've been so restless that I can hardly pick a book up for more than a few minutes (at least in the last 3-4 months that is getting better!).
I dropped out of uni, changed subjects, and might drop out again.
Lost my best friend to cancer.
Worst of all, I've been working hard, yet I don't always see the fruit of that work.
Asshole profs tried to blame me for cheating, TWICE, and both times I was exonerated in the end (at a very significant mental health cost).
At the end of the day, no one cares, even if they "lament" how much potential I have that I'm not reaching, no one is willing to actually help when I ask for help.

Only thing keeping me around is not wanting my loved ones to experience the pain of me going out with a bang, it's extremely scarring to lose someone close - especially when they're young (I've experienced that with my friend, I miss him man, I miss him so much).

There you go, kind of got it off my chest.
I don't know where to go with this.


File: 1628060823579.jpg (171.68 KB, 1024x942, instincts.jpg)

i lack interest in the possible futures open to me
nothing appeals anymore
is this really all there is?


Yes, it is
But it is also all that there isnt, everything that isnt is everything that is not now

And most of what isnt, could become

Kinda like that?
I mean, what kind of future would actually interest you? If you drop the pretense of "that couldnt ever become true, could it"


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Well, she's been admitted to mental hospital. I don't know how I'm *supposed* to feel. I feel sad not out of pity, but because I can empathize with the feeling of depression. There's a hint of worry that the facility will be bad. There's relief because she'll be safe. The combination of the feelings is just… emptiness? I feel a bit empty. It sucks to see someone you love suffer.

You can't help your clinically depressed friend. You can be a good friend, but you can't 'fix' anything.

I'm just hoping there'll be a time, maybe once we're all settled into the next stage of our lives, that we can all hang out together happily and without health problems, just like before. I'm glad high school is over.


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I'm not sure if it helps at all, because everyone is obviously different, but I was in a situation not unlike your friends for a long time. Had to live in mental hospitals, etc. My life isn't easy or nice or anything but things definitely got better for me, over a very long period of struggle, and I hope they do for her as well. You're right that you can't do anything to fix her, but she's lucky to have someone like you who cares enough about her. Ganbatte roll.


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>Canuck German
>20 years old
>have a stalker of several years that creeps me out beyond belief
I think they sometimes plan their day and possibly their work schedule to revolve around being able to be "around".

I have caught them before so I am not just paranoid without good reason.


Thank you sushi. It does help. It took me a while to get back to this but your message kept me going!

I got a phone call from her today and we talked for a good while, she says she thinks she’s gonna be discharged soon. It was a relief hearing calm in her voice. :)


Have you tried telling them that you're getting creeped out by their behaviour?
If they knew all that effort they're spending is only pushing you further away I doubt they'd keep it up. Maybe they just hope that you'll appreciate them, or just want to get to spend time with you without needing to actually ask if you want to hang out.

The type to become that obsessive about someone is often also the type without enough social observance vocabulary to realize the difference between being a source of discomfort and you just being "nervous" or "shy".


>hang out
hard pass, full stop "No". I leave no room for ambiguity, misinterpretation, the answer is a strong point-blank [No].

I go to some length in order to avoid being seen by them, the very thought of it makes me uneasy.


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I'm not really sad but kind of troubled by how shit the Web has become. Literally all media, entertainment and social sites have turned into an unpleasant, weird echo chamber.


I often find that the less regulars a website has while still being active, the more pleasant it is. There seems to be a certain threshold of population that when crossed, the website loses whatever charm it had and becomes dominated by the same sort of social warfare that people used to go online to escape.
I know it is not an universal truth, and not even the only factor in the charm of a community, but it is very noticeable, especially with so many websites being huge, centralized ad platforms. Of course, 4chan is an example where the site only got worse as more people used it.


Absolutely but I think there's another related element which is how much the posters care about the website. Something like that? It's hard to describe. Its what stops places from becoming dumping grounds of unfunny jokes, porn, rage and whatever is trendy at the time. People caring about staying on topic, not being overly hostile and fostering an actual sense of community.


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I just don't know what to do with myself.
Most of the time I work, play video games, watch anime and browse some small imageboards, that's it.
While I enjoy games, animu and ibs it is unfortunately not the case for work. If I am working then I never have the issue of being bored out of my tiny little mind though. During weekends this is never a problem too. Holidays and being unemployed is where this starts to surface.
Sooner or later I am content with the stuff I usually do and then I don't know what to do. I have already read multiple times that you are supposed to just try something out, it doesn't even matter what. Just try and see if you like it, if yes continue to do it, if not try something else. Well there is nothing that appeals to me though and I don't have the motivation and energy to try something new either. Actually I like to cook already, to garden, to read, to listen to music and do some exercise at home. I tried the gym too, but didn't like it. The point is that nothing of that really satisfies me and because of that I rarely do it. Therefore I just stick with video games, anime and imageboards, even though I don't feel like it. Most of the time this results into me getting up and just laying down on my bed, doing nothing or even worse starting to wank to some disturbing shit, that I would like to drop since years.
Given this issue I can't handle being a neet, because I just don't know what to do with all the time I have. After some neeting I always start working again, but then working starts to crush my mental health and at one point I quit, which leads to square 1 again, being a neet. Working just sucks because of people, I desperately try to find a job where I am alone and don't have people around for 9 hours straight on 5 days a week. It's just introverts hell. Only thing I found out is being a watchmen at night, I will try to apply for it if the current situation goes in the direction I hope. Right now I still life with my parents and have a job that I hate and destroys me once more. My contract runs out on the 31th of December, if they give me a new contract that doesn't run out on a certain date then I will move out near a place where a lot of jobs are available as a night watchmen, then drop the current job and start applying for the new one. Maybe working something that doesn't constantly worsens my mental state is giving me some drive to try new things? I just want to be able to cope with life somehow…


80% lurkers 20% posters


Just extremely anxious since coming to college. Program is very intense and hit hard right out the gates. Getting better slowly but still trying to collect myself.


ain't that the truth


I can't seem to do anything. My entire life exists in a state of permanent potentiality. I've been trying to fix this for eleven years now with no success so I doubt there even is a way to fix it.


I recently found out I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder as a kid, and was never informed. I've always known that I've been anxious, but I convinced myself I was making a mountain out of a molehill. I wasn't, it was clinical. It's a bit frustrating because I could have gotten help with it in school had I known, but I got through so whatever.

Since starting college, my anxiety has been the worst it has ever been and is actively interfering with my life, but I can't receive accommodations because my diagnosis, whatever it is, is too old now and could have changed. The records still exist at the hospital, but my old therapist will not sign any forms because it's been a year since I saw her, and I cannot become her patient again because she isn't licensed in the state my college is in.

Basically, I'm SOL. But I'm a month away from being done with my first quarter now, so at least I'm alive!

It's been a big learning experience having to exist like this. The program I'm in is competitive and high-pressure (engineering moment) so there isn't much wiggle room. I keep getting sick which adds an extra difficulty curve. But I'm not failing any classes, my grades aren't bad. So when I'm able to take myself out of the anxiety, I can see that I will likely get through. But it's still very hard.

Being an adult wasn't what I expected.


I get absorbed into the wrong things so easily. When ever that happends, I just can’t break away and so anything else I had planned for the day goes out the windows. I know I gonna have to get it fixed soon otherwise I’m done for the moment I got thrown out to society, just not knowing where to start.


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Older anime always have subbed openings and subbed endings, furthermore they now and then have translator notes. This is something I love a lot, it helps to appreciate an anime more, because I can enjoy it to the fullest. Especially translator notes where they point out puns, meaning of names, translate some random signs and billboards, stuff written on a shirt, explain a holiday and so on.
Nowadays anime just don't have that anymore, which saddens me a lot. A part of the enjoyment is gone with that and also a part of being able to fully understand and appreciate an anime. Somebody once told me this is because a lot of anime is just being taken from places like Funimation, Crunchyroll etc. and distributed across the Net. Companies like that don't bother with that translator notes, while fansubbers did make the effort, which shows that they truly cared and were passionate. Furthermore I was told that the openings and endings are different licenses than the show, which means the companies aren't even allowed to translate them, while fansubbers just did it anyway.
Anyway this came to my mind again because I was rewatching Danshi Koukousei no Nichijou and 30-sai no Hoken Taiiku.
While I enjoyed both I also remembered that matter, which made me feel bad. Even worse is that Nichibros made me miss friends, I actually had conversations like the anime has with my friends, I just miss them so much, being able to talk about consoles, games and just everyday guy problems. 30-sai was also a reminder why I avoid any show that is labeled as romance, my loneliness just can't take it. I can manage if I don't expose myself to stuff like that, but when I do it starts to hurt like hell.
Well at last I would like to ask if somebody knows any fansubbers that translate modern anime. Older are fine too, honestly all fansubbers are welcome.
And thank you to the sushiroll who posted a link to a site with all the imageboards out there listed, I forgot to answer you, I am sorry. I have found some very nice places thanks to you.


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It ails me seeing people make great works of art at a very young age, or even my own age.
I've always wanted to bring something beautiful to the world, but due to circumstances of life I can't afford it and I feel like shit seeing people like EMMM or Dingaling creating something incredible at their age.
Makes me feel like I'll be another ideas man who will fade away and be remembered by nobody.
Maybe it is the fate I'm supposed to fill. There are 7 billion people on the world, not all of us will be winners


File: 1637175042109.png (2 MB, 1920x1080, [Nofunloli] Megaton-kyuu M….png)

If you like robots, Megaton-kyuu Musashi has actual fansubs from Nofunloli this season. Or Mewkledreamy from Moyai if you like PreCure-style magical girls.

Corporate streamers more or less killed fansubs. Probably ~99% of teen/adult targeted anime gets an official translation nowadays, so most downloads are just reencoded rips of the official streams. All that's left is stuff they don't think will sell to the english-speaking audience and the rare show from a studio that can't come to a licensing agreement with the official english streams for whatever reason. The community's become so dependent on the corporate streams that it basically torpedoes the popularity of anything that doesn't get an official release because hardly anyone still knows how to find fansubs.

Back when corporate streams first came out, there were some fansub groups that continued prettying up the official ones, but over time it became clear that most people just wanted the fastest subs possible, so direct rips from streams became the dominate uploaders. There are still the occasional sub group that will pop up and reedit the official version, but it's pretty rare nowadays.

I too miss the old fansubs, although they were sometimes delayed and of varying quality, it always felt like there was an extra layer of love put into the productions. Also the corporate subs are bad about replacing japanese puns with english puns that don't make sense half the time.


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Thank you for your post, sushi, I appreciate it. To hear that there are still fansubbers active made me happy. Can you tell me how you are searching for fansubs? No matter if they are still active or not, I just long for a place to download stuff that has the extra effort poured into it.


I don't know of any good way to filter ground-up fansubs vs. stream rips, but if you browse bittorrent trackers you'll get a feel for who's uploading stream rips & reencodes pretty quickly because they upload a lot compared to people doing original translations. And if you find a fansubber you like, you can search for more stuff they've done by the group name. Nyaa is probably the biggest anime tracker and generally a good source for recentish stuff, unfortunately a lot of old stuff was lost when the old site went down. Bakabt tracker has a good archive of old stuff, but you can't just create an account there anymore, I think you have to go request one on IRC or something. There's probably some other active or semi-active trackers around that I'm not familiar with too.


You just made my day sushi, thank you for that.


I'm really dumb and I wish I wasn't. Trying to learn things makes me supremely frustrated and this causes me to give up or fail. I feel like I'm doomed to a life of useless mediocrity while everyone around me hones their talents and passions. And at this point by the time I get to be halfway as good as a normal person I'll be in my 40s or 50s. I wish I could just die. Maybe I need to finally try medication.


I keep trying to recapture feelings or experiences that I had when I was younger, but as you can probably expect it never works out. There are certain games I’ve tried to go back to that I played years ago, but they feel so hollow now. There are so many things I’ll never be able to experience again.


It hurt to read that, because I am experiencing that too. The curiosity is long gone and with it the fun and the motivation too. A lot of things feel samey, overall I feel jaded, tired and most of all nostalgic about the past, where it wasn't like that. Desperately I cling to the stuff that brought me all the positive feelings and experiences, but most of the time it doesn't work, I just do it out of habit. I honestly don't know what to do, I have no motivation, no creativity, no interests, I simply browse multiple imageboards, sleep, work out, play vidya, watch anime, read, cook and work, day in day out.
Several times I have read that there is new input necessary, a new hobby, to meet new people, best case even both. Not only do I have no idea how this should be possible, it is also quite difficult when more than a decade of Internet fucked you up to the point that all the things going on in real life don't bother you at all anymore.


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I think I'm clinically depressed but I am too anxious to go see a doctor about it. Gotten worse recently. I can not shake the feeling that I've made it up and I have just convinced my self it's real over the years. I then think, that seems like how some one who is depressed would think about it. But I then re-rationalize that I am making it up and this is part of the lie. I think I'm trying to use it as a crutch for personal issues. It also concerns me that I am unable to dissect my own thoughts on this; maybe that's an issue on it's own.

Looking up the signs of it, they most all apply to me, but if you're directly asked about something you always have a bias.

The horror of going to a doctor expecting something to be wrong with me and them saying "no, you're actually just a looser and need to stop being such a friendly lady about it". I could never live that down.

I have no idea how to get out of this hole. I wish I had close enough friends for me to be able to talk about this and them say they have/have not noticed things.


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i wanted to post earlier but sushimin locked the board and wouldn't let me post and i was crying.


Being unable to post on the internet is truly the worst form of suffering


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I was prescribed medication for my headaches. Took it for the first time today and I just feel worse LOL


If a doctor said that or anything like that to you, they're not a very professional doctor and I would get a second opinion on that ground alone. At the same time, if it's a concern, I think you should definitely get checked out and if it turns out that it's just anxiety, wouldn't that be a good thing?


I feel like it's groundhog day where I'm just clocking into work, forcing myself to eat, forcing myself to sleep and then waking up to do it all over again. I can't help but feel like there's more to life but I don't know how to escape the cycle and I have no direction in life, so I have no idea where to start.

I earn just enough to life modestly so grand dreams of moving abroad or giving up my job to start a small business (as social media keeps insisting will bring meaning to my life) are totally out of the question because I've no savings to fall back onto. I don't enjoy anything so I'm not sure what to do in my free time.

I'm so used to following instructions and I just want someone to say "here, do this for the rest of your life" and I would. Everyone I turn to, hoping they'll give me that direction, says "idk just do what you enjoy!" instead and it just hurts me even more because I wish I had goals and dreams and fun little hobbies like they do. So fucking much. I have nothing. Nothing brings me joy. I just want to grow old and die ASAP so I can end this hellish cycle.

I'm talking to a therapist (that I can barely afford) but I don't think it's helping.


Nice palindrome numbers sushi!
I'm constantly telling myself to do things. Its exhausting. I'll monofocus on my pursuits for months neglecting other things I need to do, then collapse into sickness and depression.
I'm trying to learn to incorporate relaxation and comfyness into my life, but its difficult, I really like obsessing but it isn't healthy.
If I could tell you what to do for the rest of your life I would say categorize things you find comfy. Maybe write about them to help others.
But I suspect that advice won't help you any more than it does me.
Good luck though sushi. Someday the whole world will be a comfy place to be.


Not the same guy you're replying to but
I tend to do the same. I single-focus on one thing that I believe will have some sort of benefit to me (though usually not economic), and so I do "categorize" them into a handful groups that I want to be good at.
I couldn't just pick one because then I get overwhelmed by precisely monofocusing on just one thing for a long period.
But when I do focus on one thing out of 3 or 4 main threads, I tend to feel like I have to do it MOAR, always MOAR! And then comes the conflict because my other interests demand some allocation of resources but the other one is taking preeminence and I feel that if I slow down the pace then it'll stall and I'll end up falling behind, and even forgetting all about it in pursue of less fruitful endeavours.
My head hurts.


Haha, it sometimes feels like I'm the arbiter trying to manage relations between a bunch of different motivations inside myself.
Order! There will be order in the court!
But theres never order, just motivations sneakily getting control of my focus and then other motivations getting in uproar and calling it unfair and imprudent!
I don't understand myself.


Putting this in spoilers because it makes my stomach turn, and I don’t want it slathered over kaitensushi. Okay, here we go. I’m looking for some insight…
My girlfriend messaged me today saying that she and her online friend were talking and that she wondered if I liked to be hurt, and if asked, if I would hurt someone else. The implication being that she would ask me to hurt her. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. I told her no I wouldn’t, but I wasn’t able to get her to clarify what context that would even happen in. I can’t see myself ever being able to inflict pain on someone else on purpose, even if asked. She has a history of self harm and it scared me shitless when I saw the messages initially, but she promised me she was okay. I believe her because her friend’s good and would be alarmed if something was up. Anyway, now I’m just a bit disconnected and sad. Has anyone experienced something like this before?? Or asked a question like this?? I’m trying and failing to understand where she’s coming from.


it sounds like she just talking about kinky stuff


How the fuck did that never occur to me


Honestly as someone coming from that world you’d be amazed at the kind of stuff that flies over peoples heads. It’s not your fault, if it’s just not something your generally cognizant of then you don’t really have any reason for it to come up in your head. But I agree it sounds like she wants to try out some S/m.


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I fully expect to be chastised as a wannabe normalfag or an incel for this but whatever:

I'm worried that as I get older and remain a virgin shut in I've gone from lonely and depressed about it, to lonely and bitter, and before too long it will be lonely and angry. Reading about other people in relationships upsets me greatly. Friends I used to have have largely disappeared to spend more time with their careers or their fiances/wives/girlfriends. It feels like I'm the only one who can't "grow up".

I'm aware that I probably have nothing to offer anyone else, but it still hurts to feel that because I don't think I can do anything about it.


I'm the same, but the worst part is I'm not even a shut in and haven't been for several years. I used to think it just wasn't in my destiny and I had to make peace with that, but now it's like, am I really so detestable? It's hard not to become bitter.


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I know how this feels and it is very hard to keep your sanity with those given circumstances.
Still I can assure you that you will encounter a lot of new problems when you actually get a career going and/or a relationship. I can also assure you that a career and/or a relationship does not fix your problems. At last I can say that you do have something to offer, sushi, namely yourself. If you want to be desired, then make yourself desirable, but don't start lying about things, forcing yourself to things that harm you or even let yourself be exploited.
One thing I can also add is to make sure that if it happens, then it should be with a person you actually care about, else you only create a new misery with exposing yourself to an empty and meaningless act that has nothing to do with love. There is a difference between making love and fucking.


I probably got brain problems, but more or less came to peace with it at this point. While the idea of having a relationship seems kind of appealing on the surface, it also gives me anxiety. I'm awfully ingrained in my ways and don't know if I could even adapt to sharing a life with another person.

It's sad seeing all my friends drift away though, they get more normal every year while I'm still the same. I've completely lost contact with the married ones at this point, just have a few who are in less committed relationships. But even then, they don't follow weeb stuff more than superficially anymore so we don't have near the same depth of conversations that we used to.


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I want to blow my brains out.
For the last month I've been nothing but feeling like I want to disappear from this world. I don't see the point in living, nothing seems to have a purpose, I am doing stuff so that I can learn how to swim in this world but where am I even swimming to now? I have nowhere to go.
I loathe the fact that human beings have a tendency to avoid dying due to natural instincts, if this wasn't a thing I would be long gone many years ago.


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>I probably have nothing to offer anyone else
That's not true, everybody has a little something that at least someone might appreciate. It's just hard to know what that might be from the inside perspective, since you've lived with yourself all your life, it all might look dull and old to you. And people can't appreciate things they never get to know about if you never share or open up.
I for one appreciate that you're this honest and willing to share your feelings. It requires strength.
>it still hurts to feel that because I don't think I can do anything about it
I'd recommend taking some extra care about yourself now and then, even when you're alone you do have a partner, yourself, if you make sure you have your own back.
Something that feels like a treat, whatever that is to you.

And maybe keep in mind, simply getting laid or landing a relationship doesnt guarantee anything about your future. I've had 3 relationships, but I've still been single and celibate for 5+ years at this point (which is longer than I was sexually active, which might make me a liche rather than a wizard). The memories of what has been does not make me feel any less lonely, I'm still a bit sad I have nobody to hug for as long and with as much warmth as I'd like to.
The largest difference between the you before and the you after losing your virginity is realizing how little it actually changed, regardless of how amazing and wonderful it can be with someone you love.

>am I really so detestable?
That's not the way it works sushi (no condescension intended).
I'm not even sure of the way it does work myself really, love just kind of happens. But I think that if you spend some moments looking back, you don't really judge all the people you don't get feelings for as trash, do you? They just don't resonate in your heart, there's nothing wrong with them.
And there's not really anything special about the people you do catch feelings for, they just feel special to you. Someone else might not even look at them twice, not think of them as worthwhile whatsoever. The eye of the beholder and all that.

It's pretty much just a matter of trying to give as many people as you can an honest chance. If you never meet anyone new, how could you meet that person that might find your recurring company delightful? While also keeping in mind the very accurate points of >>3707

It's okay to feel that way sushi, I hope you don't go ahead with it though.
Death is the only thing that is for sure in life, and if you end it you're making 100% sure that the last segment of your life was a dark joyless void. You're making sure it never got better. If you wait for death until it comes for you on its own schedule, you're giving life all the opportunities it had to show you something that maybe made it worth it to go on this void walk. And you lose nothing, since the destination is the same anyway.
I kinda agree on that we're swimming to nowhere, most of us either never made the connection, forget about it, or try to think about it as little as possible.
But it is possible to stay unignorant of the destination and still find some glimmer in the waves at times, and being aware of it grants you possibilities of ways of swimming unavailable to those who only ever think of what's just up ahead and get surprised when finally that just up ahead is the one we knew about all along.


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>I can also assure you that a career and/or a relationship does not fix your problems.
>If you want to be desired, then make yourself desirable
I know this. It's very clear to me that my loneliness is a result of my being a horribly broken person and not the other way around. But I've been trying to fix my problems for my whole life and it seems like they'll never go away, at least not to a degree where anyone would want to be close to me. The depths of the damage I've done to myself feel irreversible. (the most incel-ey thing I will say here is that it feels like there is a VERY cruel and unfair difference between how "broken" or mentally ill men are treated in terms of relationships). I am almost 30 years old. Do I really deserve the pain of dying alone and seeing all my friends disappear because I can't make myself normal enough?

>That's not true, everybody has a little something that at least someone might appreciate.
Thank you for the kind words, but "appreciate" does not equal "want to enter into a relationship with". I, like everyone else, like to think I'm a good person, and maybe I'm even fun to be around sometimes, but that doesn't really matter. The fact of the matter is that I'm an ugly, mentally ill virgin nearing his 30's. I have no stable job, higher education, or career path. I cry on a near-daily basis, and all my hobbies are weird and none of them are constructive or impressive. I have no self-confidence and I'm borderline terrified of the opposite sex. No sane woman is going to want anything to do with me. Even on the off chance I met someone who was into ugly weeaboos who spend too much time on the internet, why on earth would anyone choose me over all the other ones who are much better off than me mentally, financially, and physically? It's just the way the world works that people like me are going to be lonely and unloved.

>people can't appreciate things they never get to know about if you never share or open up.

Every interaction I've had with women my age has been profoundly negative, and it feels like each one makes it harder for me to "open up". I've dealt with everything from being politely ghosted or friendzoned or turned down, to being mocked for being a virgin and called an incel/loser/etc. On one occasion it was explicitly said to me that my being a virgin was a "problem".

>even when you're alone you do have a partner, yourself, if you make sure you have your own back.

I am not good company for me. As you can probably tell, I hate myself.

>And maybe keep in mind, simply getting laid or landing a relationship doesnt guarantee anything about your future.

It's not about getting laid, it's about not wanting to rot away for the rest of my life alone in my shitty apartment with nothing to live for and nobody to love me, watching more and more of my friends distance themselves from me as they succeed where I fail. Maybe these things wouldn't be a guarantee, but they'd at least be an indicator that things won't continue like this forever. As it stands, when I look to my future, all I can see is things getting worse until I've finally had enough of life.


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>"appreciate" does not equal "want to enter into a relationship with"
That is true. But it's also true that it often starts that way. Lots of small things you appreciate about someone and at some point you start thinking it wouldnt be so bad to spend lots more time with this person, and you spot more things you appreciate, and so on.
>maybe I'm even fun to be around sometimes, but that doesn't really matter
It does sushi. Not everyone are superficial and judging, and people in general do react more to the way you carry yourself rather than your actual appearance. It's just that being (in regards to norms) "ugly" or of a larger build most of the time coincides with a trashy self view and then you also act like you aren't worth much, and people pick up on that whether consciously or not. It affects how you talk, it affects your posture, lots of things. If you go about your day truly believing in that "No sane woman is going to want anything to do with me", then are you going to act like that's a possibility and give it a chance to actually flirt with someone?
>ugly, mentally ill virgin nearing his 30's, no stable job, higher education, or career path
All of those can change, it will take hard work, but it's possible.
I'm a NEET (something like 10 years in void world) in recovery myself, also nearing my 30s, guess ours where the chan generation. I've just had a bit more luck in that I've met some kind and understanding ladyfriends, one of whom was a NEET too. It's really hard to get out in society again, and I've made both myself and others uncomfortable while trying to work out my behaviors, but then I can brew up my own patches/emotional-vaccines and do better struggling on.
If I simply shut down like I always did before, I will always be broken and unable. And as long as you apologize and own up to your mistakes, people don't seem to give up on you.
And tastes differ, what you call ugly may just be neutral to someone else, not anything that would be in the way as long as you treat them in a way that makes them feel appreciated and loved.
I have a small thing for larger women of some shapes, while if they believed in whatever society has taught them they might not feel as if they're ever going to be wanted for what they are, even though to me they are just as beautiful as someone on the slimmer side.
>the off chance I met someone who was into ugly weeaboos
The only person I have to talk to about anime/manga stuff is actually a super pretty girl. Lots of pretty ladies have weird interests, it took me more than a year to find out another girl I was talking to was into woodworking, simply because it just never came up in conversation, and it's not like I'd ask if she were. Girls are people too, they're not just some beautiful surface.
>why on earth would anyone choose me over all the other ones who are much better off than me mentally, financially, and physically?
Because they like you and care about you, and spending time together in itself is enough. There's no need to go to expensive events or buy platters of shots at bars, in the end we're just people in rooms spending time together. Maybe some girl out there would be overjoyed to get to explore some of those same weird and allegedly nonconstructive hobbies with you, who knows.
>Every interaction I've had with women my age has been profoundly negative, and it feels like each one makes it harder for me to "open up"
That sucks, I'm sorry to hear that, and it's understandable to start to close up when you have to live through such times.
It helps to try to enforce a view of it being just individuals, because once you start thinking of it as being something that is inherent of whatever group they are part of (race, sex, political affiliation, whatever) it turns toxic, and it'll taint your future interactions.
>It's not about getting laid, it's about not wanting to rot away for the rest of my life alone in my shitty apartment with nothing to live for and nobody to love me
I believe in you sushi. Even if you get bad RNG with the people you meet, at least I believe you can get to somewhere where you can feel that you're okay as you are.

If I may give a small recommendation, it would be to try out keeping an intent of only friendly relations with the next few girls you meet, even if lust and feelings start to bubble up to just notice it and let it be without trying too hard to push it away. Just talk and get to know them without fishing for more. Once you have / you've had a female friend in your age-group you feel a good close connection with, women aren't so scary anymore. They're just people.


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Thanks. Your words mean a lot. I guess I'm letting my past experiences cloud my judgement. It's hard not to. I feel like I should take a break from the internet because even on this site things like this /lounge/ post >>13414 and the normalfag bingo where everyone is better off than me are making me take psychic damage. Makes me feel like the universe is laughing in my face at my situation. (to be clear, I don't think there's a problem with either of those things being here. The last thing I want to do is police an imageboard based on my retarded fragile emotions)

And that's not even getting started on the things you can read about off this website. If you're sensitive enough to it like I am it really does seem like the internet is full of statements that boil down to "if you are X, Y, or Z, you deserve to be miserable". Between that and my past experience with the opposite sex, I think I end up projecting those opinionated roles onto real people when I meet them and it makes me withdraw. Especially if they're girls, but it happens with everyone truly. I don't make friends easily.

As you can probably guess I find a lot of what you're saying hard to believe even though I know logically you likely know better than I do. Things like
>Maybe some girl out there would be overjoyed to get to explore some of those same weird and allegedly nonconstructive hobbies with you, who knows.
Just sound laughable to me.

>people in general do react more to the way you carry yourself rather than your actual appearance.

Ah, I guess this is that mythical "self confidence" I keep hearing about. The key to not being lonely. tbh there's a part of me that finds this kind of statement more damning than anything else because while I know for a fact it's possible to take better care of myself and lose some weight, I don't understand how someone is supposed to cultivate self confidence. I suppose it will come with achieving other goals of mine, or at least I hope it will. It seems cruel that it's the case that people with no self-confidence are predetermined towards loneliness but I guess that's reality huh. I once got pushed into asking a girl I had never met before out just to try and help me get some confidence, but all it did was deeply upset me when she was obviously creeped out, then I cried about it for weeks.

>It helps to try to enforce a view of it being just individuals

>Girls are people too
Still pretty sure they're aliens tbh, I'm not convinced quite yet lol

>If I may give a small recommendation, it would be to try out keeping an intent of only friendly relations with the next few girls you meet, even if lust and feelings start to bubble up to just notice it and let it be without trying too hard to push it away. Just talk and get to know them without fishing for more. Once you have / you've had a female friend in your age-group you feel a good close connection with, women aren't so scary anymore. They're just people.

I will keep this in mind, thank you. Many of my bad interactions with women came from attempts at dating. I'm scared that I won't be able to control my loneliness though. A few years ago I got "friendzoned" in a very considerate manner, but I drifted away from her because I liked her too much and the idea of subjecting myself to that kind of longing scared me away. I regret it immensely, because I know I should have stayed around and tried to conquer my fear of girls and maybe I could have even met some more of her friends etc. I kick myself about that to this day.

The biggest problem I have I guess is that I don't know where to begin to interact with other people similar to me IRL. The internet is all I know.


Part 1 (lol dang, first time I gotta split up a post, board complained about "body too long")

>the normalfag bingo where everyone is better off than me
It can be deceptive though, since it's just dots on a matrix, there's very little context.
Like the house party thing, very different to be one of the people partying it up and talking to everybody and to be the one sitting alone nursing a drink/beer that you sip too a bit too frequently cause you can't do smalltalk. Maybe giving some attention to the household pet if there's one around cause that's the only other existence in the room you can vibe with. An IRL lurker if you will.

And if you're a former shut-in who haven't moved out yet with that still being far away economically, it kinda makes sense that you'd never be alone during birthdays/holidays since you've no choice but to spend it with family.

>The biggest problem I have I guess is that I don't know where to begin to interact with other people similar to me IRL. The internet is all I know.

That's the hard one. Also why I took so long to reply this time.
I can trace back pretty much all of my contacts to getting to know just one single dude that gave me a chance even though I was pretty much socially crippled, lots of patience and time before I started to peek out of my shell.
The only thing I can think of is to try to learn some kind of board game that has spaces to play actual physical games with people, like chess or equivalent. Seems like a place you could just keep to yourself and get comfortable while still interacting through the game itself. Other than as written more in depth below, maybe try to reach out to that girl.
Dunno about your situation or location, but my re-entry into the orbit of society is through a study-prep course, for people who haven't studied for a long time. Many of my classmates are different kinds of NEETs, or just social misfits of differing kinds. First time ever I've felt at ease in a school environment. Might exist similar things where you are, or maybe something aimed at people with social anxiety. Whether it's studies or work-training.

>I feel like I should take a break from the internet

It's good to trust gut feel. Easier to look at things with fresh eyes after a break, let old habits settle a bit. Gut feel often knows what's best.


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Part 2

>more damning than anything else because .. I don't understand how someone is supposed to cultivate self confidence

A start could be to try to unravel the self dislike and horrible things you say to/about yourself that you never would to/about anyone else.
Even just a lack of negative self confidence is enough really, to make a huge difference in your social behavior and how people treat you. And once at that point it might sort itself out, just on account of you noticing what people appreciate about you. When you stop looking down into the ground you notice things that were there all along.
If you start to work on the positive before mending the broken stuff beneath it'll be likely to collapse, or take enough effort to keep up that you may become slightly unhinged and full of yourself instead, too synthetically puffed up, which also keeps healthy minded chill people away.

>got pushed into asking out a stranger just to try and help me get some confidence, was deeply upset me, then I cried about it for weeks

Again, gotta trust that gut. Asking people out at random when your gut is screaming no is just practice to go against your intuition, IMO.
Also can relate, prolonged my NEEThood by quite a bunch because of something similar, only it was me that pushed myself into it. During a short attempt at societal reinsertion, asked a girl out with a note (didn't help that it was super awkardly written) rather than actually trying to talk to her even once. Quite a while of internal screaming every time I remembered. Actually the first time remembering it without beating myself up about it, writing this post.
It helps to keep in mind that you'll be the one thinking about it for way longer, it probably wasn't that big of a deal in her life, people have likely treated her way worse.
And in the end it also means you're an okay and caring person, you felt that it was wrong. She wasn't just a test or an exercise to you. Imagine if you didn't feel anything about it, and how your life could have turned out then, and how many people you could've hurt. Lots of cold uncaring people out there. In comparison, crying is the best. You're one of the good ones, you just made a mistake.

>I'm scared that I won't be able to control my loneliness though

Being scared is okay. Would probably have been more weird if you weren't. All you can do is try your best, and that's enough.
It's mostly the worst at the beginning, once the actual friendship starts to bloom you get back more than you lose, and it turns into a net positive. And the initial entrypoint perspective matters a lot, it's so much harder when you actively hope for something back instead of just going with the flow.
>got "friendzoned" in a very considerate manner, but I drifted away from her, regret it immensely
Have you considered reaching out again?
Oftentimes people are just happy that you still remember them if you do. Worst case scenario things simply are like they already were, as long as you can deal with the blow if she's not interested in picking up where you left off.

Something I've been thinking of too, in some ways you are way stronger than me, which might sound weird to you. I just turned into a moving corpse in my NEET life, I couldnt cry or feel anything, because it would be too heavy. I'm honestly impressed you can face all those emotions and feel it all without disconnecting completely long term. I've been doing a lot of crying writing these posts, both for you and for myself, because I never got to feel those emotions then. It has helped me a bunch too, that you dared to open up, this is not something one-sided.
Even if we're just internet strangers, I do care about you, and I will be keeping my fingers crossed you see better times. I can't give you a real hug, but you can give yourself one from me sometime.


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>It can be deceptive though, since it's just dots on a matrix, there's very little context.
You're right of course, but I'm still in the minority regardless, in terms of the relationship experience stuff.

>try to learn some kind of board game

I used to play MtG, but I never made any friends through it. Certainly it wasn't a good way to meet girls lmao. You mention studying which is something I have hopes for. I'm pretty old for it at this point and have never gone, but I still want to go to college at some point. I wonder if the desire isn't misplaced though because to be honest I don't think I'm smart enough to learn anything and I mostly just have stupid pipe dreams about it helping my socialization and job prospects.

>A start could be to try to unravel the self dislike and horrible things you say to/about yourself that you never would to/about anyone else.

Yeah I know it. I have trouble doing this without "evidence" for it though which sounds like the most autistic thing in the world but like, if I'm gonna tell myself I'm not a gross creep then I need a reason to think that I'm not, and I really don't have any. The improvement to my self-image has to come after the improvements to myself, I think. I just keep fucking up on those improvements lol.

>Imagine if you didn't feel anything about it, and how your life could have turned out then, and how many people you could've hurt. Lots of cold uncaring people out there. In comparison, crying is the best. You're one of the good ones, you just made a mistake.

I really can't agree. You say I'm one of the "good ones" but I'm the one being hurt by something that should be normal and no big deal. It would seem to me that caring less about what other people think yields better results. There of course has to be a balance, it's bad to have zero empathy or connection to your emotions, but even then people will want to be around someone who is too stoic FAR more so than they'll want to be around someone who is too emotional. I genuinely think that people don't like people who are too sensitive/empathetic. I might be wrong as heck but my anecdotal experience is this.

>It's mostly the worst at the beginning, once the actual friendship starts to bloom you get back more than you lose, and it turns into a net positive. And the initial entrypoint perspective matters a lot, it's so much harder when you actively hope for something back instead of just going with the flow.

I will try to keep this in mind next time I have the opportunity to make a friend, thank you.

>Have you considered reaching out again?

Well for starters it was nearly 2 years ago that that I last talked to her. I have thought about it though. I really think it would just come off as me being a pest/orbiter. If I wanted to be "just friends" with her then why did I cut things off in the first place? Obviously I had reasons for doing so, but she doesn't know that, and to her it probably just looks like I don't see any value in her if she doesn't want to date me. I know if I was in her shoes I would view it as suspicious.

>in some ways you are way stronger than me, which might sound weird to you.

It certainly does! I'm the one who's basically on the verge of becoming some kind of walking stereotype of an angry imageboard incel lol. In terms of how you cope with emotional struggle I don't think "shutting down" is any better or worse than having the kind of violently depressive episodes that I do. It just comes down to how your brain is wired or something if I had to guess.

>It has helped me a bunch too, that you dared to open up, this is not something one-sided.

Even if we're just internet strangers, I do care about you, and I will be keeping my fingers crossed you see better times.
Aww thanks. It means a lot to me, too, that I'm not just venting impotently at someone who is only responding out of pity or boredom. I'll certainly give myself that hug.


i super broke over a relationship that ended a long time ago. shes really happy with her new bf now


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>The improvement to my self-image has to come after the improvements to myself, I think. I just keep fucking up on those improvements lol.
Lol, can I ever relate to that.
I like the keeping of a journal tho, helps me see progress and not get too caught up on fails and backsliding.
Also I've been reading this series which is nice:


>used to play MtG, but I never made any friends through it
But maybe you felt more at ease around people at least?
Small steps are important too. Easy to get caught up in the end goal and not see the small victories.
A "today I didn't feel as anxious as before" is worth to celebrate in itself IMO.
>pretty old for it at this point, but I still want to go to college
You can always get older, and more full of regret that you didn't. A friends dad is getting back into school actually, and he's like, I dunno, at least 50. He's gotta really be in for that "hello fellow kids" mood.
>don't think I'm smart enough, mostly just have stupid pipe dreams about it helping my socialization and job prospects
If you have something you want to study, you could always get a book on the subject and see for yourself, before you decide that you're not capable. Don't assume, especially since you're aware you have a bad self view.
>have trouble doing this without "evidence" for it which sounds like the most autistic thing in the world
I have body dysmorphia, which caused anorexia in my teens. Even when I got to the edge of being medically underweight all I could see was still just a fat ugly void creature.
What has helped me the most is focusing in on how you feel inside of the body rather than what you see in the mirror (I avoid looking too much since I can't know what I really look like anyway, have stopped listening to the self-abuse long enough that it has learnt that it's wasted effort to speak). Like just the actual sensations of being alive. Exercise in general helps, body feels better, you feel stronger and healthier. Improves that mind/body connection, less of a vague floating awareness. Looks are always up to the beholder anyway, as I've mentioned in earlier posts. You will always notice more flaws than anyone else, since you inspect yourself the most.
>by something that should be normal and no big deal
I dunno man. Isn't it kinda strange to ask someone to meet up just because they have a decent body? Completely detached from whatever kind of actual person they may be. It's more natural if you've actually met, or are meeting at some kind of event, and you feel a connection, and then you ask to meet them again sometime but alone.
>I genuinely think that people don't like people who are too sensitive/empathetic
It may depend on the way you let it outside, if you're comfortable or not.
For the most part in my experience people appreciate someone who actually cares rather than being in that modern give-no-fucks detached mentality. As an example, all of my teachers really seem to appreciate that I actually treat them like people instead of something almost part of the school building.
>nearly 2 years ago last talked to her, would just come off as me being a pest/orbiter.
Only if you ask more than once, or respond weirdly to a no.
And why not just tell it like it is? That you didn't think you could handle just being a friend at the time, but you've gotten to thinking otherwise and you're regretting that you didn't give it a chance to get to know her better. Some wording that feels true to you. A little honesty goes a long way.
>I'm the one who's basically on the verge of becoming some kind of walking stereotype of an angry imageboard incel lol
It's just the cards we're dealt, and people tend to only care about themselves. Distance themselves rather than try to help someone very apparently going bad ways. Would take some kind of superhuman to know how to solve doing everything wrong and nobody ever giving you tips rather than mistreating you.
It's why it's good why we sensitive folk are around, even if we're inclined to suffer more sometimes.


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I'm starting to lose hope I might become human (as in, capable of keeping a roster of relationships and getting to experience warmth) again, not that I ever really was, but I did become hopeful.
It'd be way easier to just focus on interfacing with nonhuman mechanisms again.
I might have been put in a situation where people think I am something I am not, because they tend to simply assume their speculations are true without giving it any second thought, and I may already have been mistreated because of it, may be coincidence but it's highly unlikely.

Even with the people I have established connections with, it takes a lot of effort.
I thought I got to know someone I might be able to open up to, but it turned out to just be a mirage at best, or it's a person who's actively trying to gaslight me because it's one of the people who has pegged me as something of disagreeable societal/biological beliefs. It may have been actively trying to make me lose my grip on reality. It may have been trying to hurt me as much as possible. Either that or it's just completely lacking of self awareness, no soul left in those who walk the left hand path.

Thought I might be able to use this mind of mine to optimize reality for the better somewhat, but lately I've gotten to thinking people deserve everything they get if this is how they act towards one another. I have no petty desire for revenge, people are plenty capable of producing a very efficient hell for themselves all on their own. No need to spend the effort.


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You know what makes me sad? There doesn't seem to be a concrete place for sad people on the internet.
And the places that are there are filled with people who prey on others' insecurities so that they can agitate them towards their beliefs, it's very disingenuous and it pisses me off. I lost some good years of my life because of it and I really hope that the ones that do fall for bullshit eventually realise that they're not gonna go forward following others' ideals.
Sometimes I daydream of making an imageboard for sad sushis but managing one would be fairly cumbersome and tiring.


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Is it really that bad to offer a second perspective if one recognizes similar issues one has dealt with in some way?
The way I see it, the desire to share and get it out there is always at least fractionally a desire for change, for something to not be like it is. A small hope struggling.
If you truly wanted simply to continue with the sadness as you are, then why write about it? Or why write about it towards others rather than just in a diary?
When I carry darkness it always just feels weird and masturbatory to write about it the few times I tried.

But on the practical advice side, you don't need to make a whole new website just to fulfill your dream. You could just make a despair thread here in /hell/ where you specify in the OP that it's disallowed to offer a shoulder, differing perspective, or a helping hand.


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I hate that girls sitting next to me in the public transport will be as close as I'll get to having a girlfriend


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You're not alone brother
Let's not give up


I broke up with my girlfriend yesterday morning. I’m 18 and her expectations were way different than mine, she had a whole life together planned out, but that scared me. It feels like I became an adult yesterday. I still know nothing. And it was long distance which added an extra burden. To make matters worse, we both have very different mental illnesses. At a certain point my health got worse and I knew the relationship couldn’t be healthy, so I called to break it off.

We had a difficult heart to heart but I came away from the conversation with the sense that things would be OK. She said “it was a good conversation, I’ll be rooting for you” but I knew we wouldn’t be friends anymore.

Today I got a message from her best friend online that she told him she’s going to commit suicide at 2AM tomorrow.

I called my parents in a panic, my dad sent her father an email. We were friends all throughout high school, but nobody knew we were dating. If you can even call it dating, honestly. All we did was hold hands so it didn’t feel like much to me. I really considered her a true friend. It was my mistake to accept the offer to start a romantic relationship. It’s on me.

The only contact we have is an email for one of her parents. My dad emailed them.

It’s the worst feeling. I have no control. Neither me nor her friend can change her mind about her ending her life. I have no idea how her parents will respond to my dad and if they will help her or accidentally drive her to something worse. I feel responsible even though I know logically that there are so many other things influencing her depression. But I was still the straw that broke the camel’s back. Should I have stayed in the relationship that fueled anxiety in me and wouldn’t have worked out so she wouldn’t have tried to kill herself? Was I being insensitive? She said she knew everything I told her before I said it, but she still carried on the relationship too. And it still hurt her. To me, “being someone’s happiness” felt like a responsibility I wasn’t ready for, not a romantic sentiment. Especially in the lens of it being so dire

I just wish she could be happy. Everyone keeps saying, “there’s nothing you can do.” I know that. But it doesn’t make it better.


I've been working all day on this. I am in so much pain. Ended up finding a suicide note on reddit. She wrote about me and her other ex a bit in there, for one second. She called us wonderful and called the breakup amicable. So at least that wasn't completely destroying her.

Some friends and I basically cyber stalked her family which felt extremely shitty, but we managed to find a phone number for her dad. I called it. Scariest thing I've ever done in my life.

Thank god, I think he understood.

We're not out of the woods yet but her family loves her and now they know that something is wrong.

We have a friend on standby that she's been talking to that will call the suicide prevention hotline if she expresses that she's going through with it.

I'm sorry for blogging all of this. Writing it is the only way I can think to comprehend it.

I hope I've done all I can.


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I want to be 15 again
I wanna go back in time and do all the things I should have done.
I lost all my chances by now


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i feel like this depression isn't fading away any time soon


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The girl I have a crush on in class is way too caring and kind.
Already know the feelings are not in any way or form answered, admitted it pretty early and got turned way down.
She keeps being too inquisitive about my emotional life and I dunno how to turn down her attempts at connection without being harsh about it.

Like today, having a just sucky day in general, corpse mode essentially. To me totally normal, I'm "ok". I am used to this, have been at a functional level in this mode for multiple years (she just got to know me more alive at the beginning than my usual energy levels, me being freshly in love and all).

But she gets in my hair about it, asks if we can talk alone and stuff.
I tell it like it is, that it's not relevant how I feel. She doesnt grok, tries to argue against.
It might be relevant to me, it might feel relevant to her for some obscure reason, but it's not relevant between us.

Then she asks if I'm mad at her for something, which I can't even to begin with.
We have barely interacted at all for weeks, what could there be to be mad about?
Should I really have to spend the energy necessary to become a clown corpse putting on theatrics just so she doesnt "worry" about me or something like that? Some facade to put her at ease?


Today marks five years from the day I lost the love of my life. I wish I could say I'm doing better but I'm not.


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As time goes on, i feel less and less motivated to use the English language.
I feel tired talking while using it. It's so limited when it comes to expressing how you feel compared to your native language. And all the places I lurked on English, i never fit in any of them. I don't fit with anyone. I'll never fit with anyone.
I don't wanna live. I'm tired.


Certainly there must be an imageboard that uses your language somewhere


I lost someone very dear to me some months ago and I CANT FUCKING BEAR WITH IT JUST KILL ME NOW


I really just want to be able to talk to people normally. Even when I see people discussing things that I not only like, but know well enough to have in depth conversations about I am terrified of talking or even joining in on general discussion. Even just saying "hey guys" seems like a monumental hill to climb.

Entirely self caused and perpetuating and it really hurts. I can't even do it on the internet where it's nigh on inconsequential and I don't know why.


Do you mean on the internet or in real life?
Why do you feel this way? That's an incredibly important question to ask yourself. Is it because you're afraid of people being assholes? Well, assholes exist everywhere, but they're the minority in the grand scheme of things. A few bad people don't define any and all future attempts at socialization (Although if you are in groups where people are assholes and/or complacent with it, then you should leave for your own good. Imageboards especially are guilty of this kind of crap and people even go after me when I stand up for others getting shit on for no reason).
Are you afraid of rejection? Well, its the same case as above too! It is hard work to find people you "flow" with, but the journey is worth it, and teaches you about yourself as well, which is arguably the most important part of it all.

You really just need to get out there and not be afraid of trying new things. Don't let cruel people get to you (and don't let them deceive you into thinking that you need "thicker skin" since its only ever said by assholes who want to deflect from their own shitty behavior (and usually can't take insults themselves)).


My trouble is I'm pretty much void of natural behavior towards people in situations where there's no concrete interaction.
I do fine if something is actually happening, or if there's some social excuse to be talking to someone. E.g, people in my class enjoy my company. I have no trouble handling interactions with cashiers or stuff like that.

But take riding the subway, the other day a couple sat down in my (2x2 facing eachother) island of seats, both on the opposite side of me. They're covering the entirety of where I can comfortably rest my gaze. I have no idea where I'm supposed to look. There is nothing whatsoever of interest to look at, so I have to manually choose a place to look. During this occasion I ended up just looking down into the floor cause no other direction felt really okay. I could tell I was making them uncomfortable too, I'm plenty okay at reading people, I just don't know how to behave myself. It feels unnatural to be sitting so close facing a stranger.

This is probably where "normal" people would just browse their phone, but I'm one of those that never had any interest in apps or anything like that, I prefer to keep that part of my life to checking up on sites and whatever while hunkered down at a real computer. I know there's others too that don't get on the phone, I'm aware of them. But I feel it'd be intrusive to sit and observe them to analyse their behaviour for bits and pieces on how to mimic someone without these issues.

Or in school, I don't know how to deal with passing people by that I have nothing to do with. So far I've mostly just minded my own business. But I've overheard some things that imply (at least some) people think I behave off. It's an annoying property though, that it's not something observable to respond to. If I'm looking at them to see what they do, of course they'll look back. Then I was the one to initiate the situation to begin with. Or if I greet them, all the same.

Things got slightly weirder too recently after I took the initiative to spend some time with someone outside of class, in the days after some people I'm completely unaquainted with, well, looked at me. Felt their gaze at me, I looked back, and then we're just meeting gazes until we've either passed eachother by or I let my gaze move on. To be clear, separate people on different occasions. Is this a thing people normally do? Just look unflinchingly at folk without saying anything? If they at least said hello, gave a nod, looked away when I noticed them, just something other than to just keep looking it wouldnt feel like I've ended up in Innsmouth.

Wanted to say I hope you're still keeping up the struggle!
If you ever feel like giving an update on how it goes to chip away at, well, life, I'd look forward to read it.


Your probably super weird lol. I know I am. Many ppl seem to like me anyways or maybe because of it. If you're like me you won't be able to, but try not to worry so much. Striking conversation would have seemed ok on the bus, comment on their clothes (only if theres something interesting to comment about) or the weather and see how and if they respond. I used to carry a sketchbook and ask pretty girls on the bus if I could draw them. I'm sure I made some uncomfortable ;_; but others sometimes would give me contact info. I never actually followed up with any tho… ahh, but conversation is only if you want to. Looking out the window feels less awkward than the floor, but the real and difficult key is to distract yourself thinking about something you want to be thinking about that you really do forget the bus drama you were playing in your mind.
Good luck fellow spirit stuffed unceremoniously into a neurotic human body!


>If you're like me you won't be able to, but try not to worry so much
I've gotten alot better at that, used to be super anxious all the time. Finally during the last couple of years I've found some peace in being whatever I am somehow. Just sometimes like that subway experience that sneak up on you from out of nowhere to remind you that you're still some kind of weirdling.
>strike up a conversation
Country where I live is kinda known for that we're cold and distant to strangers, even small talk with people who live in the same building is not really a thing. The only people that initiate convos with strangers on public transportation here are drunks and the mentally ill, as a rule.
>looking out the window less awkard than the floor
Sadly the majority of the way you travel on subway here, you're always just down in dark tunnels. Looking out the window is just looking at the same space through the murky reflection.
>the real and difficult key is to distract yourself thinking about something you want to be thinking about that you really do forget the bus drama you were playing in your mind
I do hope I get there sometime. Feels very far away, right now.

Thanks for the well wishes, hope life treats you well!


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I am finally at that age where I am getting old and yearning for the times where life was simpler.
Many years ago I'd be able to just spend afternoons endlessly staring at the clouds, going outside for each sunset, seeing the sky turn blue to pink to orange to dark. I even recorded some of it because I liked it that much, but it's all on a google account I can no longer access because I changed my phone number. Cloudy sunsets were the best, they always gave the sky a very beautiful colour pallete, I can't find an image that makes enough justice to them.
I also miss the times where me and my sis would play vidya together, and I didn't have as many mental issues as I have now. I wish I could go back.
She used to have dreams as well I guess, used to play Tennis, but now she only seems to go to the gym. It irks me, I think it's sad when dreams die. Hopes and wonders fizzling away because you're too busy with life and your head can be only focused on so much stuff.
Fuck I wanna go back.


I very much upset a friend on accident and I hope they are doing OK and can forgive me.


If everyone in the country thought that, and wanted to become a country of ppl warm and friendly even to passing strangers, how would that happen? Not saying it is or should. Personally I love friends that will hang out doing different things and not paying attention to one another sometime. And small talk wearies me. If ppl jumped in with "hi stranger I've been thinking about suicide recently and I'd like to talk about it for 5 min" or "your religion is probably wrong and dumb" rather than "nice weather eh?" or "I like your shirt" I'd actually be pretty ok with that… even better if everyone felt comfortable responding to random prompts from strangers with "ah, I wanna sit in silence right now" and that not be insulting.
Actually those prompts are pretty bad, I'd really prefer things like "I just met a cute girl at a kintsugi club let me tell you about her" or "I just learned about Pareto optimality and I think it's fascinating" or whatever interests ppl have, but the point is I think it would be cool ttotreat strangers like trusted friends that just happen to know nothing about you.


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I saw my mother coddling my dad after he worked for a long day. They're both in their 60s
It makes me sad that I won't have something like that. To age with someone who will be there for me, sometimes with conflicts in between, but always there


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>add someone from imageboards
>they're underage
It just keeps happening. I don't want to deal with any of them but I am having the sinking feeling that I have been wasting my time with people that have less than ten years than me.
And I am not even that old, I am 24. My whole life, not, but these 8 years of lurking here, have they all been a flatout lie? Why is it so common for me to see people that are at least 5 or 6 years older than me post there but whenever I try adding someone they're always teens?


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I think I started lurking when I was around 14 and posting when I was 15 as well. Imageboards used to be the only facet of socialization I could use to meet people. I used to see posts like this and think that me being underage at the time wasn't a big deal at all and people were blowing that issue out of proportion, seeing myself more mature and grown up compared to my peers and all that. But I'm starting to see how it degrades the overall board quality, drives away the old guard, and kills imageboards. And how it attracts unsavory people that pander to and try to take advantage of underage posters, that I've personally experienced, but that's a story for another post. Anyway, now that I'm in university and I have a pretty sizeable social group I don't see any point in talking to people from imageboards anymore, especially now that I have friends that can banter well, far surpassing the shitposting parades that are held to the highest regard in heavily gatekept imageboards. Maybe I've grown tired and jaded over the years but honestly considering the average imageboard user nowadays I wouldn't want to meet them anyway. It's like searching for a needle in a haystack.


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Anyway, now that I'm in university and I have a pretty sizeable social group I don't see any point in talking to people from imageboards anymore, especially now that I have friends that can banter well, far surpassing the shitposting parades that are held to the highest regard in heavily gatekept imageboards
Good for you but many of us don't get to be that lucky


Forgot an arrow dammit


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we're likely too busy to engage in anything further than no strings attached ib (shit)posting.

t. busy, old, yetwhyamistillhere


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Can't speak for others, but I grew up in the era of "internet is dangerous, never give out your real name or personal info" and I think it permanently warped how I view online interaction. Even though I've kind of made some friends through online gaming, we know each other by pseudonyms and have never met in person. And sometimes they just disappear and I never hear from them again. Such is life I guess.


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Haha, I know the feeling, I used to be so scared of internet strangers finding out who I am, I dont even know why. Lol… wait I still am scared kinda.
Nice trips


I think it's worth remembering that moot was underage when he created 4chan and hiro was a young adult when he created 2channel, too– kids on imageboards have been the reality for as long as imageboards have existed. If anything, the rise of politically focused discussion on IBs has pushed the average age upward, as far as I can ascertain (given that none of us have any data to back up any of these assumptions). If you're 24 and have been browsing this IB for 8 years, you must've been underage when you made it here initially, too.

Despite having meatspace friends now and participating in clubs/social groups, I still keep coming back to IBs. I think it's because I'm not here in search of long-lasting friendship or relationships– I'm here *because* it's transient and impermanent. The appeal of imageboards to me now is the same as it was when I was 12. I can post, I can fuck up, and it will mean very little in the big scheme of things. But I can also have very genuine experiences with other human beings. My perspective after having been part of various sushi rollymous communities for years has more or less shifted to, broadly– the sushi rollymous image/textboard format works at small-medium scales and with decent moderation policies, and the resultant communities can be incredibly fun to participate in, even if flawed.

All of the long-term internet friends I've made have been made through chat programs or pseudonymous forums. I still think this is the best way to go about making netfriends– there is far less pressure to pretend to be an adult, or something you're not, when you are using a pseudonym, because that name becomes your permanent identity. Forums are so underrated these days. Could be worth a try if this is still a problem for you.

I love the xp-tan!


But isn't that 2000-tan?


If said friend sees this message let it be known that I am worried about them but I understand if they don't want to reconnect with me.


>And I am not even that old
>I am 24
That's like 55 in imageboard years…


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>because its transient
To me it feels like a cross between a pub and a masquerade. Random conversation with people your not exactly sure who they are. Its cool.


It is… and 2ktan is my favorite, too. Not sure what came over me


Tbh I do prefer it to be the way it is here, it's nice to know you don't have to be bothered by people just because you have business outside of your home.
My social batteries are already trash as it is. If I lived somewhere with people more inclined to talk to strangers without reason I'd probably not have gotten out at all during my more reclusive periods.


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Why I am still here? A question I have been asking myself a lot since years.
I don't have any friends in real life, yet I do not miss friends. Still I like to have conversations about stuff I like. Not only to stumble upon different point of views, but also to discover new things as well. Although since years I have been enjoying imageboards less and less, often I don't even have the urge to visit them, but I still do. Is it out of habit? Am I deep down lonely and imageboards keep me afloat? I had friends as a child and also in my early and mid-teens, but then I gradually lost them. At the begging of my lurking career I even made friends on imageboards, good friends I spend a lot of time with, friendships that ran even deeper than the ones I had in real life. Unfortunately they were lost because my mental health went to rock-bottom. Nowadays I am tired and jaded, I work a lot, sleep a lot, in-between I lurk on imageboards or watch or play something. Often I think back fondly to the times I had friends from imageboards, yet I am so tired when it comes to reaching out, even more when it comes to maintaining something. Perhaps I am just a nostalgic fool, not rooted in real life and neither in the Internet, missing exactly that was is lost. For a few years I have even stopped lurking on imageboards, in this time I even got a girlfriend, a better job, exercised regularly, ate healthy, meet new people and yet no attachment was felt, on the contrary. I was annoyed how less free time I have, which leaked through at one point and everything fell apart. Unemployed I spent my time lurking imageboards, playing video games and watching anime, I felt free, calm, relaxed, but it didn't feel like home, like it used to.
So what am I still here for? Many times I am just annoyed, sometimes even disgusted or sad by the topics on imageboards, of the behaviour from its users, from the pictures they post, from the content of their posts. Yet I continue to search for imageboards to lurk, most of the time not even posting, only lurking.


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I have started with imageboards with 16 and went to posting right away, just as you I thought of myself as superior to my peers, simply because I didn't partake in their doings like smoking weed, drinking alcohol and generally trying to look cool in order to impress girls and stuff. This is also how I lost my friends, turned out they weren't friends at all. This lead me to turn to the Internet and I ended up on imageboards, where I founds good friends. Perhaps underage users make more noise, because they don't know the (unspoken) rules of imageboards, drawing a lot of attention to them. At least I treated it like a forum, paying no attention to it and sometimes the behaviour of underage posters remind me of that used in the big social media, which is indeed harmful to imageboards. Anyway the content on the imageboards shocked me first, but I started to get used to it and it somehow dulled my senses. I wonder if that was part of not feeling solitude nowadays? Or as I mentioned in my other post, am I deep down lonely? Or is it just the urge to read stuff I like? Fact is I am talking with people from imageboards to this day and so are you by the way, despite your friends at uni.

As you can see in my post and my other post, I am not that lucky either. Now and then I ask myself if I would ditch imageboards if I had somebody in real life who covers all of my interests. Probably not, because they wouldn't be always available, while imageboards are. Furthermore imageboards don't set up a relation you have to maintain.
Often I see post saying that somebody gets used to being alone and at one point it will turn from a cure into a blessing. Yet I can't deny that having positive interactions in real life always beats having positive interactions on imageboards. Still I don't aim for the real life ones, because of how hard they are to obtain and maintain. Who knows how it will go for you and >>3882
Sometimes I think to myself if I should try to add somebody from a imageboard, so I can create a place I like, pandering to my interests. Unfortunately I feel bored very fast by those people and it develops into a pain to keep up with them, not to mention time zones. It also feels like they are not as honest and open outside of imageboards.


Honestly, I don't think there's anything wrong with young people on imageboards. 4chan was always teenagers and young adults from the very beginning (But even this doesn't really matter to me since I think of imageboards as blank slates anyone can write to). Its natural for communities to change over time and people who have expectations of imageboards to exist and proliferate in certain ways are bound to be disappointed and stomped on, at least on 4chan. The small "hidden" imageboards where people speak of great looming boogeymen and days of old aren't really pleasant. Complaints about teenagers and other groups of people are easily multiple times louder than the annoying activities they describe (which are perpetuated by all groups, not just teenagers). I'm glad that it barely exists on here though.

Imageboards are pretty "cold" in that you can converse with the same small group of people for years without actually forming deep connections with anyone, and everyone leaves conversations and interactions still feeling lonely. A lot of people are hostile and lacking empathy by default, and I really think people should pay attention to what they get out of imageboards.

If you cherish a community and want to see it continue living and growing, why treat those others who make it what it is with contempt and abrasiveness? I've tried conveying this message to people, but most don't want to hear it and it ends up being easier for me to just leave certain communities than to try and shape them into something better for everyone. I do feel bad for the people who feel as though they're too weak to make the leap off of imageboards and believe that they have to just grow thicker skin against the hoards of cruelty.


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>To me it feels like a cross between a pub and a masquerade.
Best analogy for imageboards I've heard to date.


You verbalized so many things in this post that I’ve always wanted to say but didn’t know how to say. I’m going to be thinking about this one for a while.


> I like to have conversations about stuff I like
me too sushi roll. i also like to look at and collect images, the one you posted is cool. i think enjoying the internet less is a good thing that can turn bad when you keep going back to your old haunts with outdated expectations. let go, don't love lain, find a way to love life.


Life is so much less than it could have been, regardless of my own effort.


>yadda yadda yadda
I come to imageboards mainly out of habit. What else could I do? I trid reddit just this year… honestly it's kind of boring. Used discord for a while… also meh. Imageboards are also rather uneventful, at least the small boards I frequent, there's rarely anything new any time I visit. On some I even adopted a more cynical persona, and mainly do shitposting or flaming. Why do I come though? As other sushi roll said, it's kind of like a blank slate. You add your stroke and it stays there, and you forget all about it and you don't get NOTIFICATIONS about it or karma points and there's no identity to link it to (though oft I suspect mods do profile through IP information, it'd be naive to think otherwise.) I can just come in, look if there are new posts, and maybe throw in a line, insult somebody. It's like a conversation, really, but not in real-time. Like a correspondence game of go (or chess if you're into that stuff.) Every single other site is so boring, and it's tiring to have to keep a persona.
As for age, I was about 21 when I started actively using them. I was 17 when I first found out about them, but because I was never interested in anime, I thought these were anime sites, I just went in for the hentai pics because 2D>3D.


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I try to love life, but so far I don't really can. Of course there are things I enjoy, but overall it's quite meh. Due to spending less time online I tried a lot of things, I worked out for 4 years, it's only a month ago that I stopped doing that. Reading and cooking are also things I tried out and keep up so far, even though I do them rather rarely. Spending some time out in the sun and a little bit of gardening were also added, which I still do today. All in all I did changes and spend less time on the Net, although most of the time is still with the Net. While those changes regarding my attitude to it occurred, it's still the thing I enjoy the most, where I get most joy out of it. The time I actually spend interacting with others are 30 to 60 minutes a day, which I use to visit the few small imageboards I like and seldom make a post. For the rest I require Internet, but I don't interact with anybody, I watch things, download things, listen to music, play games, search for new places. A few days ago I started to play around with RPG Maker, maybe it will stick, I do have an idea and wrote down some scenes, characters and quests already.
One issue is that I don't even know what I expect from the Internet anymore. As I wrote in the other posts, I do have a few guesses, but I don't really know if they are true. Yet I keep being around and even search for new websites. While I can say what I don't like to see and like to see, I just don't know why I am still doing this. The places I used are either down, turned bad or are deserted and the people I had are gone. So I don't attempt to return to those, although maybe my behaviour is a desperate attempt to return to such times?


I hope everything turned out fine


She sounds like a coward who was going to/did abandon her family and friends because she couldn't cope with being rejected. I don't blame you in the slightest for wanting to wait longer at the age of 18, and you didn't do anything wrong at all by breaking up with her. I don't see anything that points to it being suicide baiting, but I'd personally be very wary of interacting with her in the future.


Funny you both responded to this today— I actually heard from her for the first time since this incident transpired this morning. She wished me a happy birthday, and it was all left at that.

It wasn’t suicide baiting. What I was describing was actually happening in real time and played out pretty much as expected.

Things didn’t turn out the best, but I think they went as well as they could have given the circumstances. I was up late for several days, but we thwarted the attempt. I talked to her family and she went to the hospital. Remission was pretty quick but she’s been out since, as far as I know.

She left all of our group chats, and stopped communicating with me and our mutual online friend that tipped me off to what was happening.

It’s sad that this happened. I hate the idea of being associated with, like, the trauma of this other person I cared/care about and was such a big influence in my life. But as far as relationship stuff went, getting out at that time was an absolute necessity. In retrospect, the implications were so much more unhealthy than I knew even when I wrote my original post. This person isn’t a “bad person”— but it’s a person I wouldn’t have been able to continue to live healthily with. It’s been a hard lesson to learn. I’m just glad it’s over. I did what I felt like I had to do to save my friend’s life, and I’m fine with not actually being ‘friends’ anymore. It is what it is.

Ultimately, everyone is safe. I don’t have this person in my life anymore but I do have a support system now that *is* healthy and can help me. After the school year ended, I started pursuing a relationship with someone that has been really transparent and communicative and happy and that’s been lifting me up!

Anyway I guess the point is, everyone is alive and I’m working on dealing with ‘bad times’, generally, step by step but making big progress. For once in my life I can say with pretty much certainty, things are going to be OK.


I had to quit my vacation and travel back home after catching COVID. Now I've flushed a thousand bucks down the drain and couldn't visit Denmark and Sweden. It would have been the first "real" vacation, one where I would leave the country and travel around, since I was a child.


Sorry to hear that. I'm hoping to be able to visit the UK next year, and this is one of my biggest fears.


Thank you Sushi! Fingers crossed you have a better time next year!


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>but I grew up in the era of "internet is dangerous, never give out your real name or personal info"
Same here. I'm pretty sure at one point a pedo tried to befriend me using LimeWire, but that mantra kept me from giving out any info. Now people put their entire lives on display on Facebook and I can't fathom how they can ever feel safe.


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Going from an all seeing pyramid to an all seeing network seems like an improvement to me, but things are orange and blue, not black and white.


Another altchan I've been using for a long time is going down the toilet. There used to be a lot of threads about how it was so much worse than it used to be and they were all bullshit when they were made. But now, those people have left, and now that the board is finally sucummbing to garbage posts there's not even people around to lament our loss. Another piece of my past is slowly slipping away…


Would you be willing to hint at which one it is?

Imageboards dying and growing seems to be natural honestly. I think its important to have the philosophy of "don't be sad its gone; be happy it existed". There are always tons of different places to move to and enrich for yourself and others. Don't be afraid to make threads about whatever you want!


I'm also curious!

Internet culture is changing all the time. It's up to us to become the things we like/found excitement and comfort in other people's posts, so we can carry on the good parts of old net culture instead of leaving them behind.

Also, I agree. I wish people were generally a bit more bold about creating threads concerning things of interest to them. Here, I feel like we usually end up with very general threads, or the odd thread created by a tourist with a very polarizing opinion that ends up in /hell/.

Maybe the rest of us are just too shy? lol


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Fuck me, I went to an institution with certain clubs and the place was closed when I went.
They told me it was just today the exception but fuck, tears fall from my face.
I want to stop being a recluse and start talking with people but IT JUST KEEPS HAPPENING FUCK


Just go again. Sometimes you got to fight fate a little


i agree, i notice a lot of active threads are years old and it's not like there's a problem with that- but it'd be nice to have newer threads, yknow? i'm pretty happy i found this altchan and it sucks seeing it fairly inactive. but you can't complain about a dead board and not contribute to it, so i try to reply to threads that interest me.


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I met some girl from a mutual friend
for the first time in my life where there's a mutual interest but I'm just not sure where to go with it
This is the normiest problem i've ever gone through, I cant stop thinking sometimes that I'm a spergy weirdo that can't be 100% true to myself around most of the people I hang out with IRL


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tread carefully
broken heart disease is being a friendly lady on me
i won't recover


I feel very burned out lately. My weekends pass by with me just laying on the couch. I don't feel like I have much energy in my to do the things I enjoy.


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I feel like I'll never find someone for me
A group of people where I feel comfortable
Somewhere where I may be at peace.
I wish human beings were less loud and more easy going.


File: 1660757688279.gif (1.99 MB, 213x243, catGlance.gif)

I'm not very good with people.
Why would someone (of the opposite sex) pretty much never notice your existence even though you've introduced yourselves to eachother, then out of nowhere look at you when passing eachother by without looking away when you look back, but without saying anything at all, no smile, no anything?
Just unflinchingly looking into your eyes until you've passed eachother?


File: 1660788696359.webm (3.35 MB, 578x864, PAIN.webm)

I will never have a comfy girl to cuddle with, who will put her hand on my chest and hold me, or hug me, or kiss me. :(


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So I was playing League yesterday like usual and we had this intentionally feeding toplaner who just ran down on any fight and missed pretty much all his skillshots and died. Repeatedly. This Malphite was running down the rift with a 2/19 score so I obviously spanned and talked shit about him, his family, his religious beliefs and so on and so forth. I sent a support ticket afterwards to report him, but not to my surprise I got the 14 day ban instead. I'm just looking at his match records right now and he lost 10 other ranked games since yesterday and finally made it into Iron I. I'm just frustrated that this piece of shit hasn't been banned or restricted in any form but I did because I was on a 10 game winning streak and they had the bright idea to assign him to my team and make me lose my mind.


I might have missed out on the chance to try to get to know a girl I was really hoping to get a chance to speak to last term, and I'm quite disappointed that I fucked up not taking the one obvious opportunity I had.
I'd try reaching out to her on facebook, but she doesn't seem to have one.

She's the cutest girl I've seen in forever.
Only thing I can think of is that I could send her a letter asking her out for coffee date, but I can't imagine that wouldn't be a complete no-no cause she'd find it stalker-ish or just spergy.
But then again, if I'm never seeing her again, what's the harm. But then again-again, she might still be in touch with people in my school, and rumors might spread.

Of course I could try to ask someone who might have known her if they have her number, but I'm worried that might seem obsessive too, being as that we've never actually had a real conversation even.

My trouble is obviously that I'm a worrywart with a crush who fucked up by not being quick enough to take initiative, and now I'm paying the price real bad.


You'll meet other girls! Look forward to it and think on what you'll do differently. Asking someone for her number sounds ok, but better to ask them to pass your number to her and then forget about it.


>You'll meet other girls
Well yeah. It's just that she's the only one in years that's been one of those that hits all of your buttons at once. A 99% butterflies in your stomach even at a distance, a possible 100% if she's also the way she seems intuitively.
Those don't come around that often, at least not for me. Which is also why it was so hard to approach her.

I'm trying to keep it under wraps, keep "when autism speaks" from turning into "when autism peaks" (I'm not diagnosed but it wouldn't surprise me).

I haven't seen a single girl that gets up to even 50% of her level ever since I first saw her. It's hard not to grab whatever small chance possible to just have a try to reach out, even if it might seem weird.


I had a sort of similar situation with different feelings.

I went to community college but it's right by my (parents) house so I didn't live on campus or in housing with other students. State schools are a big deal around here, so I wasn't seeing anyone from high school either. Basically I was alone.

Anyway, I was taking an Earth science class, but there was a 1 hour gap between the end of my previous class and the start of this one, so I'd just hike from the previous classroom to the next one and then kill time in the hall until the classroom was open. So on the first day I walk in as soon as the last class leaves, and take a seat in the back like I always do. As other students arrive, I happen to notice two 'alternative' girls sit at the table in the front row. One I would describe as mild goth (black hair, plain dark clothes, black nails, but no makeup or accessories and a plain hairstyle). The other has a more flashy punk style (like Abby from NCIS, but with bright pink hair). So I figure I might actually have found two people I can relate to through musical taste if I can just talk to them. Of course I'm too Asperger to just walk up to them after class or whatever, so I decide that tomorrow I'm gonna sit in the 3rd seat at that front table (since I know when people are given a choice of where to sit in a classroom, they tend to go back to the same spot day after day).

But then shortly before class is supposed to start, this guy walks in and takes the 3rd seat at the front table, and I feel my heart sinking because I know he'll probably stay there for the rest of the semester just out of habit and I'll never speak to those girls. Miraculously, as the teacher is explaining how the course will be conducted, this guy hears that there will be an online component for turning in assignments (this was in 2010 or 11) and has a fit about how that wasn't mentioned when he signed up and storms out of the room. He never came back, so the next day I sat up front and ended working on several projects with those girls throughout the semester and feeling like I've actually made some friends for the first time since starting college.

But then the semester ends and I burger it up. My cell has only ever been a lifeline because I don't want to be constantly connected, so I keep it off most of the time (this is still the case, and why I don't have a smartphone) so I wouldn't offer up my number as contact info to anyone, I don't touch social media at all, and I rarely check my email (my yahoo was literally days from expiring due to inactivity when I logged in a few months ago). I also didn't think to ask them for any contact info.

So I let friendships drop because it's too hard for me to stay connected to people if I'm not around them face-to-face, and reaching out to reconnect is just too uncomfortable for me to even try it.


Friendships can always pick up where they left off. I know it’s scary, but if you want to, please try to push yourself and reach out. Speaking from experience, it is worth it


I have no interests really. Even my pseudo interests, I have no interest in. I could drop my "interests" any day and not go back to them without any worries. The only interest I have is the beauty of nature itself. It captivates me. Too bad I'll never learn about it or care more than the beauty of it since I can't read books. I can't force myself to do anything, and that's not something I can change by doing it a little more every day. It's me. It's apart of me. Probably ADHD causes this or depression. I don't know and I can't be damned to learn. Also, I hate learning new things. School and ADHD screwed me up. I'm not a failure of a human being though, and I feel that. I know I have potential and the smarts to achieve my goals, but damn, I'm struggling, I guess. I always will struggle. For the rest of my life. No matter what.

I've done the ADHD drugs, but even then, I stopped taking them. I have no health insurance or job either. Can't settle for disability because I managed to get an actual career for a bit before getting fired. I don't blame myself too much for that actually. I honestly didn't like the people there. Glad to be out.

I'll get a new job and I'll succeed. Every year I become stronger and more fulfilled. Maybe one day I can earn enough to get some land and let it go to forest.

I just need to keep getting the support I have from my family.


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I know exactly how you feel. Good luck with everything.


is anyone else bad with change in their lives? i had a 7 month long distance relationship and was going to college the whole time. he broke up with me, didnt return for a second year so i start my new job this week, and there’s a guy ive been hooking up with. im supposed to be happy but something about it just depresses me.
i miss the comfy routine of college and talking to my bf. we didnt have a perfect relationship in retrospect, but sometimes you cant help but miss stuff like that.
ive been depressed since late july too and this has been my longest episode. i always bounce back after a few weeks and i just cant. i barely eat or sleep anymore and never get into my hobbies as much as i used to. i also feel disconnected from my friends/support system, i cant tell them stuff like this because i feel like they wont “get it.”
just feel like a shell of who i used to be and im patiently waiting to come back


Because I don't have a card like this and can't blame other people for my personal problems like conservatives can.




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What kills me in the inside is that I'm gonna lose my v-card to some skank who has possibly been fucked by a bunch of other men, and not a girl who is a virgin


Why do you have this assumption?

Also, no woman worth her salt is going to want to sleep with a guy that calls other women “skank” on IBs.

Sounds like you have bigger issues than women having sex with other people before you.


While you could probably phrase this in a nicer way I know how you feel. I'm sure it's not much comfort in the moment but if you're anything like me you'll stop caring as you get older. My standards regarding such silly things have fallen significantly (in a good way I think?). Not that it's helped me find anyone but at least I'm not so bitter.


I get what you want to say, and generally you are correct, but also statistically you are less likely to get to know a woman that has a low partner count, simply because the personality traits that lead to that will also make her less available to people in general.
The girls you are meeting randomly will more likely be the kind that has high partner count, skewing your perception.
The distribution of the kind of women you are looking is not uniform within the places you might be searching, and that is how you can manage to find one against the odds.


Ultimately love comes and goes, and peoples' situations change too. Even if you want someone who's always been committed to 'serious' relationships - if you find someone there's a 90% chance it won't last forever and then you'll still want to look for someone else afterwards. It's the same for them


kind of funny how people have suddenly started spamming all the less toxic imageboards with this on the surface self-pitying, in content misogynistic shit for the last few weeks though


Trying to replace the kitchen faucet, but the old one is secured by a half-inch thick steel nut that has rusted so badly I can't possibly get it unscrewed, so now I'm drilling it out, but it's half an inch thick despite only being a 9/16 nut, so it's hard to get the bit to bite and a long ways through, and doing all this over your head is a huge PitA aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh this is really frustrating


just cut the pipe and install sharkbite :^P


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Hard to get a good pic, but the problem is the nut/bolt anchoring the fixture. I've pretty much committed on destructively removing it at this point.


I was born defective so I might have to kill myself.


I feel a bit sad about having to retort to dating apps


sushis, why is looking for love so hard.. i want someone to watch azumanga with. and sperg about my interests to..


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my best bet, we're looking for introverts, and due to the nature of introverts, they are not gonna be easy to find.
sadly that seems to be the case


I don't know how to tell my best friend that I love him without jeopardising our relationship. But also not doing anything is agony




File: 1665152571560.gif (1.72 MB, 500x522, 1580339528113010.gif)

In my experience, it's easiest to find love (online or offline) if you just try to make friends with people who you might be interested in being more with. Just starting as friends is a pretty risk free way of getting to learn if you really like someone for who they are. It helps a lot to have a wing (wo)man who can keep you grounded in reality and not do anything crazy and anime esque but also encourage you to actually do anything if you need that instead. They can probably also help you tell if the person likes you back. It'll still be scary making that confession but you should do it if you like the person. Remember, I love you is for couples just start with like. Once you're in a relationship don't get in over your head with crazy shit like marriage super soon, I've seen it happen all too often.

As for me, I've been dealing with DPDR coming back full swing. Been trying to crawl out of this shit but it's so hard. Luckily, my girlfriend is supportive of me through this stuff which is really needed, but I'm worried that her seeing me go through those full dissociative episodes so frequently is going to strain our relationship. She keeps insisting it's not hurting her that bad/that she doesn't matter when it comes to this and that annoys me and I don't want her to feel like she has to sacrifice herself for me. I figure only time can work through this issue but I'm hoping we get through it soon. This is more just a vent than anything, we've worked through worse. I'm open to advice, though, it's very welcome.


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I have descended into a labyrinthine hellscape of health insurance and tax returns.


I miss my week long depressive states, but it's for the best that it's behind me. Now I just stare at the computer and become one with the background.

I'm sad, so I'm glad!


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I lost a friend recently and it's extra painful because I've been friends with him for such a long time, only for it to end because of a series of stupid arguments.
I wish I could say that I'm okay now but I'm not. Sure I have distractions and bigger things to worry about but whenever I'm feeling mentally vulnerable I remember it and I feel like dying. I guess a part has to do with regret, that I could've done better but I didn't. I don't know my mind is in shambles today, maybe I'll feel better tomorrow.


There is a lot of time where I just don't do anything
I don't have the motivation to do anything
I dunno why, but it's weird, and it's sad. I just think and think about things but never do anything


>Maybe the rest of us are just too shy? lol
This is my main problem. I don't just get an idea to create a real thread about something more than maybe once or twice a year. I have no trouble responding to other people in threads, but when the only new threads are shitposts, responding with anything other than a retaliatory shitpost just makes you a target for trolling.

We had to put down my 16 year old cat 2 weeks ago, and then a week later the rest of my family goes on a trip, but I don't have enough vacation time built up to go, even though there's nothing to do at work right now. So for the first time I'm completely alone in the house for an entire week. The thing is, I don't really feel anything. Have I really become so numb that I move on from my beloved pet's death so quickly?


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This feels embarrassing but I would like to lay the whole thing out for once. I have wasted the last ten years talking to myself, for lack of a better term. It’s a bit more complicated than that, though.
I have a system of monthly writing files I call “TfT”, which is also what I call the type of writing in them. In these files, I mostly write out pretend imageboard posts while I have some image open that I pretend is the image I’d use to accompany the post if it were real. I started doing this in 2012 for posts that I wanted to write but didn’t want to post, then I started rewriting posts I had made, and eventually I started writing replies to imaginary threads. This first took off seriously in late 2013 and began to noticeably dominate my life in early 2015. It's not all imageboard posts, sometimes I interview myself or write emails that I will never send. The key element that makes TfT problematic is that as soon as I am finished, I will retype and retype the same thing over and over again in order to refine it. The fantasy is essentially that I'm typing a real mesage, so as long as I'm typing, the fantasy feels like reality.
More formally, in the document where I keep track of my attempts to quit, I define TfT as "any kind of writing where the purpose is to advance an argument, explain a topic, or describe my emotions/life to a group of people or in a situation believed to be real. It is characterised by repetitive writing and a repetitive choice of topics."
To give some numbers, the monthly average for these files is around 45,000 words and I’ve been doing it at roughly this pace for nine years, so somewhere between 4 and 5 million words in total. It’s useless writing in every sense of the word. I never edit and I never re-read it, and it’s all written in English, a language I only use for imageboards and speaking with foreigners. That I have written so much in a language I do not even like is my biggest regret.
I write about anything and everything in these files and I do almost nothing else. When I’ve finished writing a fake post, I retype it multiple times just in one day, and I’ll continue doing this week after week, month after month, year after year. Beloved subjects have become unbearable to me because I've written about them in TfT files day in and day out, never learning anything new, just reciting and reciting the same tired information, until the subject makes me sick and yet I still keep writing. I do nothing else. For example, I had plans to do problem sets for university and watch an episode or two of anime today, but I couldn't even stop writing for long enough to finish an epiode of anime. I dropped out of university and I am on the verge of doing so once again due to TfT.
TfT also includes replies, clarifications, etc. This is the sense in which it becomes a form of self-conversation. It’s like there’s another spirit trapped in the file, always asking me exactly the right follow-up questions and always asking for explanations in exactly the right topics.


File: 1672017346421.png (1.12 MB, 1920x1080, Typical TfT set-up.png)

Pic related is what my setup normally looks like, with an earlier draft of my post, in case my verbal description was confusing.
I have been trying to quit for the past seven years but it has proven very difficult for several reasons. First, TfT writing is so deeply intertwined with my thinking process now that the act of thinking triggers my desire to write, as does any kind of reading or interaction with another person. Second, TfT writing is also intertwined now with any kind of art, because my reaction to art is no longer “this looks nice” but “this will make a good TfT picture”. Anime in particular is a problem here. Third, there is no clear demarcation between TfT and normal writing. For example, while it may be difficult to quit smoking, there is no confusion over what you need to stop doing. Any time I am writing on my computer, however, I can slip into TfT. I can be writing an email to someone and end up on a tangent that I know I won’t include in the final draft: this is TfT. I can be writing an essay and then start "preparing" for counter-arguments outside of the actual essay: this is also TfT. I’ve found myself “quitting” for weeks only to find that my latest writing project is just TfT under a different guise. Fourth, the relapse with TfT is more intense than any other bad habit I've tried to stop. I’ll try to completely abstain for a week, cave after a few days, and then lose myself writing TfT for a month afterwards, destroying my schedule and also my wrists. Naturally, I have constant wrist pain, I had to give up playing piano, and while I haven’t had anything serious develop like carpal tunnel syndrome, it’s only a matter of time. The pain goes away almost instantly when I stop using my computer, but even with that as motivation it’s difficult to quit.
My attempts to solve the underlying problem have not been successful. I started TfT as a way to deal with being a chronic lurker, but I post almost every day now and it has no impact on this addiction. I’ve blocked imageboards for over a year multiple times in the hopes of running out of things to write about, but I just write more feverishly about fewer and fewer topics instead. I thought that I wrote TfT because I didn’t have friends, so I made friends, but that made things worse, because there are times where you have to cut a line of discussion off out of etiquette, so I just write what I would really have liked to say in the TfT files. Reducing my computer usage is an obvious measure and something I would like to do, although I have been struggling, but this is not really a solution if I start TfT writing every time I sit in front of a computer, as computers are unfortunately unavoidable.
It feels like my life came to a screeching halt when I was 19 and started doing this. Even though I guess I know more now than then, there’s a lack of purpose in anything that goes into TfT.

I am not sure where to go from here. I think my next approach will be to stop typing on my computer unless I'm transcribing something written by hand. Anway, I'm sorry for the long post. TfT has unfortunately also ruined my ability to be concise, but I have never posted about this before in such detail and I wondered if it would help me any.


File: 1672164322562.png (359.67 KB, 624x600, autismo.png)

10/10 eccentric post

Although you are an extreme case, I can understand you because I constantly revise and edit what I write, too. It takes me an hour to write an email which doesn't say anything particularly important because I am always seeking a better phrase, restructuring sentences, adding detail. Don't forget that, even though you want to kick this habit, you've likely developed remarkable skills in writing English which could be useful.

Your plan to use your computer less is a good one. I think that spending less time on the computer is, generally, a way to improve life. You could try to fill your days with more irl activities and then keep a paper diary to record them and satisfy the writing itch.

And what does "TfT" actually stand for?


File: 1672438657138.png (752.89 KB, 887x720, 1670723568882-0.png)

Thank you, very sound advice. I feel like I know what I need to do; it's just difficult to put into practice, but I will persevere.

>And what does "TfT" actually stand for?

Technically it's short for "Thoughts for Thursday" but it's got nothing to do with Thursdays so it's really just a nonsense name. The files used to have different names but when I standardised it into a monthly system in 2014 I chose "TfT" for reasons I no longer remember.


File: 1672576128414.png (290.94 KB, 750x366, do-my-best.png)

>I feel like I know what I need to do; it's just difficult to put into practice, but I will persevere.
In this position, the only advice is JUST DOOO IT. You can start being a better human any time. Ganbatte, sushi.


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There is not a single day I don't idealize suicide


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I'm really tired. Time doesn't stop, friends move forward with their lives and I'm still stuck in the same place.
It's been years and I'm still the same. Nothing has changed and at this point I don't know if I should bother


That sucks :(


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I have schizophrenia. And I'm so tired of being treated like an animal for it.

My closest friends will intentionally antagonize me and bait me into pointless arguments, telling me that I'm just a crazy schizo while they all laugh at me. Even my immediate family does this. My coworkers role me up because they think it's funny. Every time I try to make a legitimate point shout something or have a real meaningful conversation with another person, they pass me off as just a schizo. I'm not a person anymore. I'm a goddamn zoo attraction.

And that's just the social consequences. Having schizophrenia is a nightmare in its own right. I can't sleep at night because I hear people scratching on my door, even when I do sleep I am tormented by nightmares. My perception of reality is so distorted that I genuinely feel as though I can't communicate with people like a real human. I need therapy so bad, but no doctors in my area are available. So I simply suffer, and my brain continues to rot away.

I need to decide when I've reached the point of no return so that I can kill myself while I'm still sapient enough to do so. But it's playing with the prisoner's dilemma with my own life, which could never be easy.

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