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/hell/ - internet death cult

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File: 1553670289649.gif (189.12 KB, 400x400, silent_tears.gif)

 No.2034[Last 50 Posts]

Why are you sad? What are your troubles?

 No.2035

File: 1553708944155.jpg (150.15 KB, 538x785, a6d7c27d619f2f8808c897c9c5….jpg)

I'm conflicted. On one had this thread encourages the already rampant whining and blogging but on the other hand it might serve as containment.

 No.2036

>>2035
>hurrdurr emotions are bad
cool

 No.2037

too much hostility on this website tbh famalam

 No.2038

File: 1553762295767.jpg (100.96 KB, 960x540, 1392284647001.jpg)

I think I'm god, but I can't prove it.

 No.2039

>>2038
Well that disproves it then right? God should be capable of anything, including proving it's own godliness.

 No.2040

File: 1553898195624.png (324.13 KB, 720x568, dankharuhi.png)

>>2039
How do you prove that you are yourself when everone else is not?

 No.2041


 No.2066

>>2038
A rotating wheel. Turning an axle. Grinding. Bolthead. Linear gearbox. Falling sky.

Seven holy stakes. A docked ship. A portal to another world. A thin rope tied to a

thick rope. A torn harness. Parabolic gearbox. Expanding universe. Time controlled

by slipping cogwheels. Existence of God. Swimming with open water in all directions.

Drowning. A prayer written in blood. A prayer written in time-devouring snakes with

human eyes. A thread connecting all living human eyes. A kaleidoscope of holy stakes.

Exponential gearbox. A sky of exploding stars. God disproving the existence of God. A

wheel rotating in six dimensions. Forty gears and a ticking clock. A clock that ticks

one second for every rotation of the planet. A clock that ticks forty times every time

it ticks every second time. A bolthead of holy stakes tied to the existence of a docked

ship to another world. A kaleidoscope of blood written in clocks. A time-devouring

prayer connecting a sky of forty gears and open human eyes in all directions.

Breathing gearbox. Breathing bolthead. Breathing ship. Breathing portal. Breathing

snakes. Breathing God. Breathing blood. Breathing holy stakes. Breathing human eyes.

Breathing time. Breathing prayer. Breathing sky. Breathing wheel.

 No.2067

>>2066
based schizo poster

 No.2545

i may be developing some mental condition and im afraid my bf no longer enjoys talking to me

 No.2546


I cant breathe and every day i wake up in the same room and the feeling of waking up is crushing, nothing i do is enjoyable anymore. it used to be that i just tricked myself into not enjoying anything but now everything i used to enjoy is hollow and empty and i have a growing silence inside that makes it hard to hear anything, there are no productive tasks to do except for the ones i do on a regular basis, nothing new to do that will improve or make me happier. i my friends wont call me back because they are doing something else. i post long messages a short or dismissive response. people online ignored what I posted and I haven't activated the dopamine. Looking at vicious sights online of the pornography that makes the other sickos disgusted by me does not bring happiness. I want to feel strong emotion but I cannot. Even praying is difficult. Hugging my blankets doesnt feel good anymore. I'm not ugly, I am not disfigured. I'm sick of hearing my voice. I am living in unreality. My family hates me or shows me indifference. I need strong healthy community and lasting friendships, the food here is bad. We are running out. Fruit and vegetables, meat. Starch. Keeps me happy. Anything sweet or salty causes me to feel pain. It used to make me happy, does not anymore. Music gets older a lot faster. When . I work a job that I hate, nobody cares what I do. I hate what I do every day. I serve the novel fantasies of maangement. I am hiding from my friends. I am hiding from my family. Every post is recorded, alll my emails are compromised I feel (thtey are not) unless I have never used them before, then they are clean. I'm constantly planning my escape and how I can be safe. No one can be allowed to contact me, then I will feel safe. The less contacts the better, social media is bad. I don't use social media but when I look at it it has memes, self referential and bad. Sushi is beautiful, girls is beautiful. Don't want to live in unreality anymore. News is making me feel the wrong kind of violence inside. I don't use the cold on my shower anymore, I don't know if I am showering? sometimes I forget. the little hearts are really cute, I don't want to post anything about myself online, I want to delete all my professional profiles and be hidden. I want to destroy all my possesssions, I want to delete everything with my name on it. I look on my possessions with contempt and disgust, the less I own the better. I still have too much, I , , save things in places that only I can find, and that I cannot delete.

 No.2547

I talked to the admins and they won't delete what I've posted. I want to block my old friends. They are bad influences. They gossip to me, they send me bad things, by blocking out everything without, I can only hear the dissonence within. Doing the right thing doesnt feel good anymore, doing the wrong thing never felt good. Waking up is getting really, really difficult. I think I'm always being watched but I'm not paranoid. I used to go online but I was the fool to everyone else. I played retarded so long that I actually became retarded. I don't know if I'm in on the joke anymore. I don't know who I am laughing with. I had some work that I did solely to get applause online, no one clapped. No one really cared enough. I needed a lot, a lot of validation and I didn't get it. I gave up.I feel deeply unsafe in my head, online, and in real life. I am more and more afraid to be seen. I try not to be seen at all. I don't like to eat a lot of meals, I have been avoiding eating or drinking. Sleep is bad but ssomehow I've been worse. Because I am working so I have to sleep. Sometimes I sleep during meetings. Please do not contact me. If you know who I am and you read this, DO NOT CONTACT ME. DO NOT BROWSE THIS WEBSITE. DO NOT BROWSE THIS WEBSITE. DO NOT FOLLOW ME ONLINE. DO NOT COME IN. YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED HERE, YOU CANNOT COME HERE. I do not want to be seen, I do not want to be followed. I stare hammers. The first sushi, doesn't look real. First from the top. I will repeat once again before I go into this: DO NOT CONTACT ME IF YOU KNOW WHO I AM. DO NOT CONTACT ME. DO NOT CONTACT ME. Every document has a paper trail. I don't want to be tracked down, here. If you talk to me, give me everything in written communication, I will respond in unrecorded voice. I will archive your responses and say as little as possible myself. I will ask questions and give you nothing. When the police came, I didn't ask anything, I did give information, It was nothing. S(he) was fine. In line with deletion, I want to delete (most of) all of my memories. I hate remembering things about my life so far. I have no saved photographs of myself, except one so I can show what haircut I want, another for professional, another has an avatar. If you forget your memories, you're not responsible for them anymore. I have a lot of guilt. I wasn't sexually abused because I said yes. Every single time. I try to get rid of my happy memories too because I might remember something bad. That's why I don't take pictures. They say my voice is robotic. I'm not all for productivity. I know I need to do something in life, I do a few things, but I don't enjoy them very much. Fruit, vegetables, these are fine. I do have a small garden, it's not really mine. I don't want to say any more about that. Repeating a third time, DO NOT CONTACT ME. YOU DO NOT KNOW WHO I AM. I will divulge one memory, but I won't write it here. It makes me wonder for mystery. Cut everyone off. Don't call me stupid. I remember every time you call me something wrong. You say it as a teasing and healthy joke, I think? You apologize for it later. I have the receipts, I can prove it. I laughed too but it keeps hurting more. DO NOT FIND ME. I don't want to read this. My life goal: a long, repeated note that plays until it stops. I will accept any length of life. Human chanting is the highest form of music. There are very few tones and it goes on in a simple call and response. The words spoken are true and sure. I wish for my life to be like a chant, that goes on serenely even if I feel bad. I don't care if I become strong or proficent at anything. Don't find me, don't find this place. I remember what i say. Try writing this yourself, you can't do it. You are beautiful too. You're worth loving. You are beautiful and unique. Be stilll. I love you, .

 No.2549

File: 1593889960837.jpg (348.95 KB, 1200x900, 16A7390BEDE0B690D81559A80B….jpg)

>>2039
Nope that assumes the omnipotency of an Abrahamic god. I could totally be a god of procrastination and laziness. Read these
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kami#Notable_kami
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Greek_mythological_figures#Major_gods_and_goddesses

 No.2551

>>2036
Surely we don't want to become another facebook or twitter?
>>2038
If you were a god you would be able to prove it somehow. Prove of a god is what makes someone a god, otherwise you aren't. If you can't prove it then you have no power, unless you forget that you are a god, or somehow cease to be a god for a limited time.
>>2547
If someone cares about you enough to stalk you then you can rest peacefully knowing that you are loved.
Sometimes I want to run away from it all and go live in the woods somewhere

 No.2555

>>2551
>If someone cares about you enough to stalk you then you can rest peacefully knowing that you are loved.
That, or you're under investigation for committing internet crimes.

 No.2560

Anyone else experiencing troubles with their food?

I lost my appetite during a depression I had last year and lost 8kg because of it. I don't feel hunger that often anymore, and when I do I get full with a very small portion. And I experience a stomachache each week.

What should I do?

 No.2561

I'm not sad, I'm just angry

 No.2562

>>2560
Maybe something in your diet is triggering your problems?

 No.2563

>>2560
Do you feel hungry once you start eating? If you haven't eaten for a long time (like when you've just woken up) you'll stop feeling hungry because you obviously don't have food on you and suffering won't help you catch a buffalo. Maybe going hungry for a long time reduced your time to not hungry somehow. I know this sounds like the most obvious shit ever, but if you're not already then my genuine advice is to eat at least 2 healthy, good sized meals every day even when you're not hungry.

 No.2566

>>2562
That might very well be a possibility. I think I'll start journaling about what I eat and try to find a pattern. Thank you for pointing it!

>>2563
>Do you feel hungry once you start eating?
I don't, some days I go the whole day without feeling hunger.

>my genuine advice is to eat at least 2 healthy, good sized meals every day even when you're not hungry

Yes, I try to do that. I stopped losing weight since I started "forcing" myself to eat. But sometimes it's difficult to do it when I'm having one of those stomachaches…

 No.2571

File: 1595266338036.jpg (188.5 KB, 1920x1080, 157612319807.jpg)

Uhhh.. yeah.
I used to have dreams about having sex with my sister a couple of months ago. Yeah I know I'm scum and it made me feel pretty shitty and I just sort of avoided her for a while. I want to think that dream's a dream and they don't have to make sense but I just can't get this idea out of my head that it might be wish fulfillment as well. I don't want to think about this too much.

 No.2572

As I get older going out with friends is still just as fun as ever, but for a while now I've gotten a real sense of melancholy about it whenever I head home and go to sleep. I think it has to do with how, despite my age, I feel like I haven't "moved" as a person since I was a teenager. It seems the world and the people I know in it have all pulled ahead of me, and it's only a matter of time before I'm too far behind to catch up.

 No.2574

>>2572
If you don't find yourself rejuvenated talking to these people then it may be worth wondering whether hanging out is worth the time.

 No.2579

I'm lonely and sad and I hate myself, and I deserve it all because I no longer care to try and change it.

 No.2580


 No.2581

>>2580
Thanks for sharing that. There's something cathartic about listening to songs that speak about how you're feeling.

 No.2582

>>2581
A theory I have is you will always be lonely, even around others, when you don't like yourself anymore.
After being physically alone for half a year, clinging onto "life-support" of talking online with friends and others, this is what I've found. It's a long road ahead. Maybe I'm wrong.
But I'm cheering for you. Please try again!
And if you figure it out, help me out :)

 No.2583

I've got a lot of things going on, but the main thing that hurts the most at the moment is that my little sister puts no effort into talking to me. The only time she really does is when I initiate it and even then it seems to take her days to respond even when I see that she's online. We don't live together and live in different, but close, towns. The only real way I get to interact with her is through Facebook. I would move mountains for that girl, I would gladly sacrifice everything for her but she doesn't seem to care or even think about me. I'm stuck living with my grandparents due to financial reasons and difficulty with getting a job, she rings my grandma frequently to talk but that's it.
Our mum raised me to see the three of us as a team and when she died I was hoping my sister would keep in touch with me, I expected her to actually go out of her way to talk to me as well and not have it be one sided. I can't talk to anyone in real life about it since people in my family always gave the impression that they never took my feelings seriously.
I'm starting a course in September that should hopefully help me land a job as an orderly or something similar to that. My plan is to get a job somewhere else and just gradually lose contact with my family at this point. Of the two people that kept me grounded, one is dead and the other doesn't seem to care so there's no point in staying and being here is only making me stew in my misery. I don't know what else to say so I'll stop here.

 No.2584

>>2583
If it gives you any solace, as the younger sibling it's really easy to take things for granted.
Life moves quickly around you and you're just okay with it, you don't have much of a choice…
until you realize you need to be a part of it to keep going.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3WNy8H0iQk

 No.2585

>>2584
Thanks for the post and the new band.

 No.2586

File: 1595724974565.jpg (38.83 KB, 488x488, whatyouwillwantoteatsomeda….jpg)

A cool premise is how there's always a moment to give toward the new-one-else that'll warp into a narrative that, although it may turn into something you will jam deep into an unconscious corner, there's still, well… maybe one of these moments will continue long enough to have a seat front and center on conscious-central, and you don't mind the billboard space it may take up.
Sometimes it's easy to resent all of the attention you've given to body-bags-of-flesh in the past but! the best thing to remember is you aren't the same person anymore.
I sometimes wish a way to write it all off though.
I'm really hating how much time I've given to others who aren't worth even the salt-sweat of the new-one-elses' out there.

I wouldn't mind a big cornedbeef hash bowl with ketchup to sweeten.
Saw some images had eggs, that's smart.
Yolk and ketchup is incompatible though.

>>2585
No problem, hope you feel better.

 No.2592

I was a really lazy shit in high school and just went to a community college for a few semesters, continued my lazy shit lifestyle, wound up falling into a routine of getting stoned and drunk everyday and took a few years off of school, started going back to uni last year but struggled in my second semester back, was going stoned to class all the time and really just not taking it seriously enough, which being made to switch to online zoom classes really didn't help. Now it's summer break and I've sobered up, stopped hanging around with my old social group thinking I'd have less distractions and opportunities to fall back into bad habits, but the thing is now I just have to pass time on the internet alone until the later half of August when classes start back up. So I have all this energy and motivation to get a degree and start moving up in the world but nothing to really put it toward for a while

 No.2603

>>2583
I don't mean to accuse you here, but do you actually have a proper conversation with her or do you talk AT her? I have older siblings that reach out all the time, but it's a drag to talk with them I don't even try anymore. I never initiate anything with them or put effort into thoughtful responses because they always gloss over what I say, never properly listen or respond, and so on. My whole family does this to everyone actually, and it seems to be quite a common thing when I watch other people talk. If you actually properly listen and respond to what she says then I don't know what her problem is.

 No.2608

File: 1596062028273-0.png (227.36 KB, 894x456, dainana life 1.png)

File: 1596062028273-1.png (272.54 KB, 568x509, dainana life 2.png)

I vow to make my everyday life as varied as possible once the new semester starts.
Until then, it's two months spent at home, idling day and night.

 No.2610

>>2608
This sounds like a bad idea. The reason new years resolutions notoriously fail is because a special start date is only inspiration, not motivation. I've done this kind of thing and I always returned to old habits after a couple of days. Honestly it sounds more like an excuse to feel fine doing nothing. My advice is to act now rather than waiting for life to happen to you.

 No.2611

>>2592
Uni is hard! Use the time to study ahead for sure.

 No.2612

File: 1596114252143.gif (256.93 KB, 640x480, rei bored.gif)

>>2610
All my successive summer plans had to be repeatedly cancelled due to the pandemic, everything's closed down again, and I'm stuck in my small town without cousins or friends since we're back on lockdown. I've literally got nothing but my computer right now.
The reason I'm waiting for September is because that's when I'm back in my (abroad) uni town, and I can't afford to miss my plane for that by getting stuck somewhere or catching the 'rona.

You're right, though, I should probably start at the lowest level I can right now – shifting my internet habits.

 No.2616

>>2603
I understand where you're coming from. I try to ask her about her day, what her plans are and other things to try and avoid a yes/no answer kind of situation. I don't actually initiate conversations to just talk about myself but rather try to get her to start talking to me and open up more. We've been fairly distant for quite a few years now and I've been trying to figure out what kinds of interests she has now compared to when she was younger since I also understand that she'll obviously not be into the same sort of things as when she was a kid. I used to do things like send youtube videos of songs I'm into to get an idea of her taste in music and ask her about her opinion on what I share with her and ask her to share some of her musical tastes back with me. Last time I talked to her was to show her a Moshi Monsters DS game that was being sold on Ebay while I was on there looking at DS games to buy myself, joking with her that I'll get that for her. I also do understand that I'm a really awkward person but I've tried getting across to her that I miss her and want to hang out with her without being too heavy handed and pathetic about it as well. At one point she was talking about us renting a house together to live in and while I was looking at houses for rent in our town and showing her all I'd get were messages back like "that's a nice house". One day I showed my grandma a couple houses that the two of us could rent just for my grandma to tell me that my sister had already gotten a house of her own to rent and stay in, something that had happened almost a fortnight earlier and I was never told about.
I don't know man, maybe what you said is right and I've fucked up, but I've tried with her and since making that post I am feeling better so I might keep trying with her. I really don't want to lose her.

 No.2623

>>2616
It sounds like you actually put effort and care into talking to her, so I'm not sure what the actual problem is. I was reading your old post again and was thinking about how you were saying you, your sister, and your mother used to be a team, but after her death you grew apart? Maybe she finds it painful to talk to you because it brings up bad memories? Usually after tragic events like that people tend to either cling or distance themselves. Then again, I really have no idea and I may be putting words in her mouth. Honestly I think you should try asking her directly if you haven't already. Be like "hey, it feels like we've grown apart, can we have a serious talk about this? is there anything I can do to make things better?"

In the meantime don't be too hard on yourself. You're doing all you can

 No.3016

I regret moving away from my family over two years ago. I think certain psychological flaws once manageable were laid bare in the change of environment/dynamic. I thought all I needed was time to turn things around – and indeed I believe I've figured some things out – but ultimately it seems I'm worse off. I regret not getting help sooner; I've never trusted psychologists, but I think I needed some kind of leverage in my situation that simply isn't organically available from those around me. It makes me sad how long this has gone on and that I'm just barely starting to pick up the pieces (hopefully).

 No.3023

>>2034
Corona came and fucked everything up. I was improving, made a social circle, and then the lockdown came and my social skills atrophied. Lost many of the friends I made because they moved back to their countries and/or lost touch because of time or because I fucked things up. It's a slap in the face when I see stuff like people talking about mental illness and how suicide rates are up because of Covid, and I cannot tell anyone about my depression because I know it's counterproductive. People don't care; they treat you walking on eggshells at first and get tired of it and leave. Your best bet is to just hide your mental fuckededness

 No.3024

File: 1598081074661.jpg (289.94 KB, 1360x988, Aubrey_Beardsley_-_Pierrot….jpg)

>>2034
I admitted betrayal to a girl I loved and haven't come up with a proper response after breaking her heart. I've already spent weeks writing drafts I never send and feeling remorse for what I did. Even before this I've done nothing but hurt her more and more with my behavior, making her feel smaller and emptier. She was guilty of loving me despite all my faults, lost in trying to please someone that could never appreciate it. I feel it'd be worse to reach out again after such a long period of silence. Anything that I'd write would be pointless, wouldn't it? What do I even say? It feels like any sort of interaction directed to her would feel scummy after this point. I want to see her happy, so if that means removing myself out of the picture I'll do so. Maybe that's just a convenient method of running away again…

After looking at my behavior in the past with other relationships I realize I might have borderline personality disorder. My depression, chronic emptiness, splitting, self-loathing, unstable emotions, poor memory and fears of abandonment started to make sense. It's predictable and has a name… but it's also going to be a long journey to suppress these symptoms. I've usually directed them inwards instead of acting out and lashing at others, at least not directly, but it still led to a lot of hurt. I wish I could apologize to each of the people I've strung along, they didn't deserve to be treated like that. I've lost so many friends it's hard to keep track. Every couple of years I'm a different person trying to blend in to feel some sense of self or belonging. Giving it a name doesn't change anything about my horrible actions or damage I've caused. It's hard not to agree that I'm just a disgusting person everyone should just stay away from. Especially with reputation that BPD has online. Knowing my best ability is doing harm to the people that care about me makes having lasting interpersonal relationships, outside of family, feel impossible. I'm just distracting myself with media until my online college semester starts and I can pretend I'm going anywhere at all. Maybe I'll actually start drawing again.

I don't know if it's okay for me to exist. I'm just a bullet meant to be dodged.

 No.3025

I lost the love of my life three years ago. Ever since then I've been living in a trance. I can't even talk about it. Nothing I do feels right. I don't want to live like this anymore.

 No.3026

>>3024
Reaching out is definitely the best option, at least in the long run. I've been on both ends of this, losing someone over the slow festering of regrets and unanswered questions is the worst feeling in the world. She'll be upset when you talk to her, but don't let that stop you because you would be doing something really kind. Explain that you're sorry for all the ways you hurt her (use specifics like how your behaviour made her feel small and empty to show you understand and that her feelings were legitimate), and explain that you think you have BPD (literally just copy your entire 2nd paragraph, it explains things perfectly and won't feel gratuitous as long as you do the stuff about her first) and you're getting help (which you should be, if you're not going to then don't say you are). Don't mention or hint at getting back together, that would make the whole thing seem insincere when it obviously is sincere (there are a lot of people who can do this sort of thing with absolutely no remorse at all). I was serious about getting help, you can become a better person.

 No.3027

>>3025
I'm sorry about that sushi roll. What happened?

 No.3187

I forced myself to believe all these dumb platitudes about having confidence and just being yourself and how there's somewhere out there for everyone, but after a year and a half now of honestly trying to get a date I'm ready to sink back into cynicism. I want to have a family someday but the time to start that sort of thing was 3-4 years ago. Time is moving faster as I get older but I'm still just as afraid of the opposite sex as ever. I miss the optimism I used to have that someday I'd just happen to meet someone like I met all my guy friends who I could be around without feeling like an alien. I'm angry at the world for letting me think that there's no such thing as someone who's destined to die alone. Apologies for venting but I've no other place to let these feelings out.

 No.3188

>>3187
We're all destined to die alone. Some of us are lucky enough to get to sit by the fire a while but everybody walks away into the cold night sooner or later. It's gonna be ok.

 No.3190

>>3188
I dunno if that makes me feel worse or better… but it's food for thought and I appreciate the perspective sushi roll.

 No.3191

File: 1608291480504.jpg (41.86 KB, 1024x576, EKRT1OsWoAAbbk6.jpg)

I am neurodivergent (autistic and possibly ADHD) and recieved no support as a child and therefore I have been unable to properly socialize or concentrate on anything growing up. I'm now asocial and have been stuck in a dead end minimum wage job for years with no desire to accomplish anything worthwhile in life and at this point I want to be a NEET and sleep a lot.

 No.3196

>>3191
>I am neurodivergent (autistic and possibly ADHD) and recieved no support as a child and therefore I have been unable to properly socialize or concentrate on anything growing up.
For a split second I thought I wrote this post. Because this is exactly what eats at me, the knowledge that I've basically been fucked over by my childhood.

Used to wonder why it was that all the other autists in school got to make friends, gain recognition for their talents, and even have relationships. Then in adulthood I realized why. It all boiled down to the support they had growing up. A loving family free of abuse and divorce, that actually raised their kid instead of just doing the bare minimum to keep them alive. Or at the very least, didn't abuse the shit out of their kid and let them be their own person.

I'd kill to have grown up like that. Don't know why I had to grow up with everyone hating me. And the more I think about it, the more robbed I feel. It's not like it's something I can just "move on" from either, because it's stunted me in so many ways, and with me being little over a year from 30 it's not like I can fix all the damage that's built up over the years.

 No.3200

>>2572
are you me?

 No.3201

God I am so empty

 No.3206

i am hikkokomori neet 10 years i got no fucking job man

 No.3210

Not finding anything I could hold to. Just to survive.
The void is really awful…

 No.3211

I find it kind of dreadful how sometimes you may think you got the thread of life, but then the boat gets rocky and you lose it again later on.

 No.3215

Nobody will ever like me. I don't know why I'm still trying.

 No.3219

>>3215
Sometimes it's good to be flawed, it means people will not annoy you

 No.3220

>>3206
Brother.

 No.3221

File: 1609956580182.png (283.91 KB, 966x1217, EKjIAf0U0AIkthy.png)

Finally thought I attained the idealistic uni life I've been working towards only for it to disappear with corona. Got strung along a job application for 3 months and just got turned down after the last interview. I'm tired of looking forward to things. Back to NEETdom I go.

 No.3234

I took the plunge and updated my computer from windows 7 to windows 10. after using windows 7 for nearly ten years i figured it was time to do it.
now my computer wont connect to any network and doesnt recognize my second monitor. this is up there with some of the worst mistakes ive ever made, i feel like a fucking idiot for listening to anyone who told me to update. i should have never left windows 7.

 No.3236

>>3234
it's ok man, just go back to windows 7, you've got nothing to worry about

unless you need a key now? you could always download a cracked copy of windows 7 ultimate

 No.3237

>>3234
You should probably at least update to windows 8 though if you won´t stay at 10, since win7 is is already EOL and won´t get security updates anymore. Not a good idea to run a very vulnerable system connected to the internet.

 No.3241

File: 1610887041592.jpg (333.25 KB, 1366x1536, 1583305408111.jpg)

>>3237
Uhh, there is always Linux when Windows doesn't work for you anymore, but it has it's own problems…

 No.3242

I just want to sleep forever

 No.3245

FOr th e most part I do not feel anything I am miserable due to so called mental illness I am unsure if it is purely neurological and psychological or a combination of everything including spiritual.
Sushi's I used to cry all day every day for many years as one of those shut in types yet I did not want to become a normal person it was not for me not for lack of ability but lack of desire and enjoyment.
But I felt good I felt in heaven I felt platonic love I felt friendship and it was good it was so good that it broke me when it ended I became shattered I lost my feeling and now if I ever feel anything it is about my old friendship I make the tears but I do not truly feel the sadness.
Sushi's I am getting tears and a lump in throat writing this I am a sum of mistakes I have tried hard but for what I am aimless and a ship that sails in any direction while directionless.
I fight my philosophy but it leaves me as a loser it simply makes sense and I wish I could latch onto faith or do away with reason you cannot intellectually dig yourself out of a hole.

The truth is I am jealous of sushi rolls I see that wish they had a GF or anything for what I want I can never have.. my OS is corrupted and wont run the same programs it could I am defeatist but tried so hard to care for so long.
Life is always getting worse as I observe laughing as an outsider lacking the association with my self an identity that changes often and not connected to the "I".
I wish to die but know I am always changing my mind on everything relating to myself I am lost maybe I gave up on giving up.

Sorry for the rant post but I do not know why I am sad I was always sad it is the normal state for me but what I mentioned hurts me so much.

 No.3247

It really sucks when your friends upset you inadvertently just through normal discussion of normal person things. I don't want people to walk on eggshells around me, and I don't want to be a downer to anyone. The best solution it seems is just to go home later and have a cry about it. Maybe vent on the internet too.

 No.3249

>>3247
want to tell what whappened?

 No.3253

>>3249
I don't even remember what was said at this point, it was some kind of friendly discussion that turned to stories of past relationships, of which I have none. Like a lot of other people online it just comes down to me being depressed and tfw no gf and shit. I'm old enough now that time and happenstance and life choices have sorted out the losers from the winners in my group of peers as it were. I still sometimes think maybe I can "get there" but each day that passes just cements me further into what I already am.

 No.3387

Never felt as close to suicide as I did this morning. I feel a little better now, but I know it'll be back tomorrow.

>>3245
Are you doing any better today sushi?

 No.3388

>>3387
Be well roll, it'll be okay
Don't be afraid to reach out, whether it's to friends, family, hotlines or even imageboards

 No.3391

I just finished scrubbing all my friends from my discord and steam accounts, the only channels i really use for comms. I feel like I'm much less of a burden on them now.



Not that sushi, but…

>>3388
>hotlines
God I wonder if those things actually genuinely help anyone. I remember calling one when I was much younger, maybe 16-ish years ago and it was completely unhelpful.

 No.3392

>>3388
Thanks sushi

>>3391
Just make sure they can find you again if they want to. Maybe they will, that would be proof you're not a burden.

 No.3393

>>3391
>God I wonder if those things actually genuinely help anyone
To be honest I've never used one so I probably shouldn't have included it

 No.3394

I'm still dealing with the usual depression/anxiety combo, but over the past couple days my main issue has been trying to eat healthier. I haven't ordered fast food in over a month but I still find myself binging, today it was on bikkies.

 No.3395

>>3394
I've put myself on two meals per day with very little snacks, but sometimes I leave the gap between meals too long and end up binging on potechi because i feel too anemic to spend 30 minutes making something properly.
I found if I just don't have anything to snack on except something kinda bland, this really discourages me to from binging. If I'm caught really hungry, I'll nibble a few snacks and leave most of my appetite for proper healthy-ish meals.

So maybe try put the bickies away, only get something like digestives (non-choccy kind) or something similar. Something that you can still eat as a snack, but not really binge-worthy by themselves.

 No.3420

>>2034
I'm in my early 20s and I'm getting sick of dealing with millennials. Don't get me wrong, I don't think my generation is perfect by any means, but man, you guys are the pits. You're so damn whiny, cynical, and ungrateful.

 No.3421

>>3420
Are we not millenials too?

 No.3422

>>3421
I think the youngest millenials/oldest zoomers are 22, so they could be Gen Z if they're 20-22 Holy fuck I feel old

 No.3423

>>3422
Yesterday I was talking about something that happened in 2017 and I almost said "yeah it was last year"
Naruto ended 7 years ago it's insane

 No.3424

File: 1619809356552.jpg (35.47 KB, 384x406, 9e849717148300819cf7fea338….jpg)

I'm pretty big into this one mini game in a game. Part of a community dedicated to playing it, specifically playing it with people that pay in game money for good players to play with.
I never feel like I'm good enough at it against my peers. They always do so much better and know so much more than me and it always frustrates me how poorly I perform with no improvement in the months I've put into it. Watching people I started playing with at the same time out class me so far. I also get the feeling I have a weird reputation and no true friends in the community I'm in. Everyone's an acquaintance really. I'm never picked in the first few drafts for teams when team captains pick players or I see that teams I'm in a lot of people never join in.
One time we where doing a fun tournament with the group I mostly play in. A member of our team said that me and them should swap roles because I was doing so badly, we won, but that hurt and mostly confirmed how I was feeling. Usually I think people are being polite.
Think it hurts more because of the time investment I've made and the fact it's the only thing I do. I don't even enjoy it any more I just don't have anything else. I think I've lied to my self too much with the "I'm just playing for fun, I don't care about my personal best times" line that I'm not having fun. I found my self in a sort of community leader role that I think puts an expectation on me that I can't meet. I'm expected to be able to judge other players skill to say if they are allowed to play with us or not. I have no idea how or why I got this position.

tldr of my blog: gamer of a game in a game is sad that their life sucks and the game that made them happy doesn't make them happy, it makes them sad because of how bad they are.

 No.3425

I need help
There is no help
I don't want to be awake

 No.3426

>>3425
I hope you had a nice sleep.
I hope you had a nice wake up too.

 No.3427

>>3426
sorry I posted while I was having a panic attack and couldn't delete it. I had lots of sleep, just having a sad week.

 No.3440

Everyone is replying to me with sages and they're making me feel dumb

 No.3441

>>3440
sage is not a downvote.
if it really must be construed as negative, then at most it's only negative to their own post. it's a humble way of posting a message, saying that their post is not worthy of bumping a thread.

I hope you're not really down about sage posts of all things.

 No.3442

>>3441
I'm not the person you're replying to, but I honestly do think that some people go overboard with their usage of sage. Like, I understand using it for small off-topic comments or the like, but I remember there was a period of time on Sushichan where I noticed a lot of perfectly on-topic posts that were sage for absolutely no apparent reason (my guess is that it was just one person sageing all of their posts, but I have no way of knowing that for sure), and it honestly kind of annoyed me because it made me feel like I had to scroll through a lot of posts to see if there was anything new posted, instead of just looking at the most recently bumped posts on kaitensushi.

 No.3443

>>3442
I use sage a lot. I just feel my posts are not important enough to bump the thread to the front.

 No.3444

my phone's tempered glass shattered today. was having a great one until that happened… agh I know this is lame but after weeks of being all-around miserable, I thought I made it out until reality hit me in the face, lol. guess that's life

>>3443
it's an imageboard, sushi. nobody's posts are more important than another person's.

 No.3449

>>3424
>I'm expected to be able to judge other players skill to say if they are allowed to play with us or not.

 No.3461

hello sushi i dont where i should start.
i noticed that i cant still let go a old relationship from 5 years ago, i mean sometimes i feel very nostalgic with the old time when i use to be more happy, (i already know that my happiness does not depend on other people)
Sometimes when the nostalgia hit me hard i use to scream internally.

 No.3473

a plate of my car came off after someone grazed me on the expressway… the tub is clogged… I have mountains of emails to respond to… man

 No.3474

Table 'sushigirl_vichan.telegrams' doesn't exist

PROBLEMS

 No.3475

I feel as though I've wasted a lot of time and lost the curiosity and awe I used to have years ago. I suppose its been useful in that its been a teacher of life skills and outlook, but clearly I could've used time better such as for exercising, studying, etc. No point dwelling in the past, though.
Nothing really all that bad except for problems coming from within myself. Circumstances are more than fine. I've been gifted the freedom to lead my life in any way I so please.

 No.3477

Sad because I don't like myself and I don't know how to get better.

 No.3484

File: 1627135858414.jpg (318.38 KB, 753x786, 1627123885898.jpg)

Decades of isolation and shame await me if I don't build up the courage to kill myself and the prospect terrifies me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4cCZk9fZ9eE

 No.3487

>>3484
If you'd want I could be someone to talk to, I can't promise that I'll be a friend, but at the least I won't disappear on you or judge.
I mean it should probably take less courage to have a chat than to end things forever.
Just give me a heads up if I should post a throwaway mail-address or something.

 No.3488

File: 1627430896994.jpg (56.21 KB, 608x648, luluco ehh.jpg)

>>3484
I frankly get tired of people who romanticize suicide because of some dumb temporary problem.
Most of the time they never go through the act, they just want something
>Isolation and shame
I don't see the issue with not talking to anyone, nor I see any reason to feel shame about anything. For the former you gotta learn to love yourself since that's the only person who will always be with you, and for the latter you gotta realize your mistakes and accept that they happened, no reason to get stuck on the past.
You should try something you've never attempted before. Suicide is not one of them, you screw it up and you end up FUBAR for the rest of your life.

 No.3489

I’m thousands of miles away from home with a friend, I hurt her feelings earlier and she left the hotel room. I know she needs space but I’m really fucking worried because she‘s the type that might stay out really late and sleep outside. I’m worried she’s going get hurt, or worse. Her phone is dead and she’s depressed and oh my god I am going to cry. If she’s not back in an hour and a half I’m going to put on shoes and look for her even though I know it’ll upset her because I cannot take the potential bad alternative. Lord help me.

 No.3490

>>3489
OK she got my message and her phone is on so I’m less worried now. Holy shit.

 No.3491

>>3490
Update, everyone is safe and sound. Sorry for live-blogging my mental breakdown. Just needed an outlet at the time.

 No.3492

>>3491
It's okay sushi, I'm glad it all worked out

 No.3493

File: 1627653878925.png (679.62 KB, 1080x1080, StrawberryMail.png)

I've been severely depressed for a while, enough that it effectively left me bed ridden for the extent of the lockdown. I usually didn't feel I could talk about it openly aside from my therapy sessions, but a recent event really put me in a very painful place.
My mother has been homeless for years now, so I don't get to see her too much. The few times I did she seemed like she was in good health, but she wouldn't be homeless if everything was okay with her. She recently called me after like a year of silence. Suffice to say I was very happy to hear she wasn't struck by COVID-19. But then, she asked if I could take her out of state, to a place like 8 hours away. I was caught off guard, and didn't really know what to do, as I haven't driven that far yet, and the whole thing was so sudden. I ended up refusing, but she seemed okay with it, and reassured me she was fine. We spoke a little more before hanging up. She was using a phone at a homeless shelter, so I couldn't get back in touch with her when I thought about it a bit more and changed my mind.

Since then, I've been feeling a mix guilt, shame, and a deep sadness I couldn't name. When I tried to talk about it with my therapist, I felt the weight of those emotions, such that it silenced me. Even after the session, I feel like I'm being crushed by sadness, and even though I'm happy my mother is okay, it seemed to open up an old wound I had all but forgotten. It has already put me down for a day, and it may take me out for a few more if I'm unable to properly cope and face it.

Pic unrelated. I just like Strawberry Shortcake.

 No.3494

There are times where I really, really, REALLY hate my life situation.
It's not terrible, I have somewhere to sleep, my computer, but still, could be an awful lot better.

 No.3495

My cat injured her eye a month ago and regardless of applying medicine every day it's not recovering at all. I keep telling my family to keep her inside so she's safe but no one listens. Too broke to pay for another vet exam.

What should I do rolls?

 No.3496

>>3495
I’m not sure what you *can* do in this situation, sushi, other than giving your cat the love and attention she deserves. Wishing you luck.

 No.3499

I saw friends today and all it did was leave me drained and sad because I have to pretend like the discussions and jokes being made don't hurt me. I wish I wasn't like this.

 No.3502

I'm tired, I've been constantly tired for years.
It started with slight health issues, some got better some got worse - being physically tired is my normal state though.
I used to hide away in my invincible world of books and knowledge, it got me quite ahead.
Yet sadly, for the last few years, I've been so restless that I can hardly pick a book up for more than a few minutes (at least in the last 3-4 months that is getting better!).
I dropped out of uni, changed subjects, and might drop out again.
Lost my best friend to cancer.
Worst of all, I've been working hard, yet I don't always see the fruit of that work.
Asshole profs tried to blame me for cheating, TWICE, and both times I was exonerated in the end (at a very significant mental health cost).
At the end of the day, no one cares, even if they "lament" how much potential I have that I'm not reaching, no one is willing to actually help when I ask for help.

Only thing keeping me around is not wanting my loved ones to experience the pain of me going out with a bang, it's extremely scarring to lose someone close - especially when they're young (I've experienced that with my friend, I miss him man, I miss him so much).

There you go, kind of got it off my chest.
I don't know where to go with this.

 No.3503

File: 1628060823579.jpg (171.68 KB, 1024x942, instincts.jpg)

i lack interest in the possible futures open to me
nothing appeals anymore
is this really all there is?

 No.3505

>>3503
Yes, it is
But it is also all that there isnt, everything that isnt is everything that is not now

And most of what isnt, could become

Kinda like that?
I mean, what kind of future would actually interest you? If you drop the pretense of "that couldnt ever become true, could it"



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