/hell/ - internet death cult

I've been noticeably sad all the time for several weeks now. It's a bit worrying since I can't recall ever having felt actually discernibly bad for so long. I've been depressed since I was a kid but I'm used to just feeling very little emotion with an occasional side dish of miserable, and always being tired. I wonder if the weight of years of poor decisions and indecision is finally crashing down on me or something. Or is this what depression is supposed to feel like? It's strange to think I might having regrets and stuff since I've always been pretty comfortable coasting through life with minimal effort. I am not ambitious and I never really wanted much of anything at all. When I do get frustrated it's usually on someone else's behalf or because things that should be simple aren't working as expected. Maybe I'm just frustrated that my brain isn't working as expected lately, since I recently started graduate school and have noticed I still have some of the old poor habits I thought I had gotten over (the procrastinating I'm doing right now for example). Or maybe it's just many small stressors piling up and weighing down my mind more than I am used to.

It's very odd to get misty-eyed several times a day when I normally might come close to crying maybe once or twice a year if at all. It's triggered by thoughts and songs and things like that which rarely bother me under normal circumstances. At this point it's getting kind of annoying because it's often happening while I drive, and that can be distracting. Somehow I get the feeling that it will all go away if I just lose some weight and get more sleep. This is really just very inconvenient.

This feels like a bit of a petty thing to complain about, but it's been getting to me.
I've been basically a complete shut-in for a while now, and imageboards have been pretty much my only social outlet lately. A few days ago I got banned from the only other board I frequent (other than sushigirl) and I have no way of knowing how long the ban is. It might even be permanent for all I know. I didn't even say anything offensive or controversial, so it seriously feels like the admin just decided to ban me on a whim.
I realize that most people who read this are probably thinking "that's not a big deal, get over it," and you're absolutely right, but I still can't help but feeling just a twinge of anxiety over the thought that I might've just lost one of the only social spaces I still had. I guess I should start looking for other places to spend my time.

>>4696
>imageboards have been pretty much my only social outlet
I relate to this. I used to be somewhat social, I've never managed to do well among normals, but I always managed to find a few people with whom I got along. Today I live in a rural area where there is none of that, at all. People are some sort of rural hypernormals. I just have one friend around.
But I don't really like to go out and socialize anymore, not even on the internet. It doesn't feel like socializing to me at all, it just feels like I'm putting my thoughts out these for a different breed of normals. Ones that are actively hostile. I cannot be myself on the internet, and part of that is because the internet is dominated by a handful of topics and narratives. Discord and to a lesser extent IRC seem like better alternatives for social intercourse but I am so used to sushi rollymous imageboards, that I use them a lot more, maybe because I can write long posts like this.
On a very related note, for a while I joined several sexting servers on discord. In all my, life, that has turned out to be the only reliable way I can relieve myself of sexual urges, but even then I feel kind of uncomfortable, not too different from porn, which I almost never use.
It is weird, that the only way to fulfill that desire for interpersonal communication, both sexual and otherwise, is online through a screen. It didn't use to be like this. But I chose to get away from people. And with all the bullshit in the world, I am glad I did. I'm not actually complaining, I just think it's curious.
I also had a friend who shared my love to study, but she started ghosting me. That's the thing with online friendships, they are ultimately fleeting and they may disappear anytime.
I have considered reaching out to people all over the world, to "network" if you will, and meet people that you would not find in the big hubs like r*dd*t or 4c*** (which are ofthe worst kind), to get to know where and how they live and what they think and like to do.

I hate being lonely, I turned 30 this year and it's really starting to hit me hard that there's a very good chance that I'm going to die alone. My only social outlet is work, where I barely talk to coworkers because I'm extremely awkward and anxious. I had four days off and besides an attempt at going to church, which I won't get into I effectively had no human contact outside my grandparents, who I currently live with. I have a few online friends I talk to and I care for the dearly but the complete lack of in real life friends or even acquaintances let alone a significant other is starting to get to me.
I immediately fell flat on my face the moment I graduated high school and I've started to call the decade and a bit after graduation my "Lost Decade" due to either being a recluse or a stoner NEET. Since then I have gotten a job and I have lost weight, but there's still key factors about my life where I need to get things sorted, I'm still ultimately a failed adult and even if I were to one day move past that, psychologically I don't think I can. I hate the daily urge I have to cry. For the first time in life I actually asked for a woman's number, I did so knowing full well that nothing will come of it but the few times our shifts have overlapped she was lovely to talk to and I really enjoyed just listening to her talk. She's gotten a new job since then, so I never get to see her face to face but we still talk a bit. She even messaged me first yesterday, just to talk about work related stuff but it was nice.

i met someone online who turned out to be a very abusive person/troll. they cyberstalked me and would use the same imageboards i used to scare me. i used to really enjoy using imageboards until they started becoming a place to be targeted by someone who didn't like me as a person.
ive always been a kind of mentally unwell person, leading to the feeling of isolation in real life. the internet was a bit like my safe space. i have social anxiety in real life and now i get real anxiety in the online world too.
it really sucks. i never developed social skills growing up and now i get confronted online by real people who don't like me. i think they did it as a troll, and thats the part that makes me angry and sad.
i dont know why but it makes me so frustrated. i wish i never met them. i wish i had a social life so online stuff wouldn't matter that much to me. i havent made any friends at my college and im supposed to be graduating soon. i wish i wasn't an idiot and knew not to get involved with malicious people online.

Have a nice day, sushi. Even if yesterday was a sad one.

i want to die
that is all

>>4698
Hang in there sushi, I know very well how you feel.

I fucking hate having sexual urges and sexual desire. It's a drag, it's weighing me down, it distracts me and I may end up bothering people with my desire. Even if I don't go and molest people with my lust, it takes so much of my mental energy so as to keep me thinking stupid unproductive shit and keeping me in a state of perpetual frustration.
Worst part is that I encourage it myself because I'm so addicted to the dopamine I get from masturbating, even if I don't consume (much) mind-poisoning porn.
Evn if I try not to indulge in this stuff, thoughts of it come on their own sooner or later, especially if I see attractive people. I was doing perfectly fine, actually, before that smoking-hot girl started working in the threads shop. It's like nature is torturing me with my unhinibited libido and absolutely shit social skills that make it's msatisfaction a categorical impossibility. Why.

>>4744
Decreased libido is a side effect of some medication that I'm on and tbh I think it's been a good thing

>>4744
>I may end up bothering people with my desire.
That's the idea, yes

I've had plenty of internet friends come and go.
But one will stay with me forever.
I've never met someone like them before or since.
We talked for eight hours a day like it was nothing, time flew by.
I think about them multiple times per week. Lately it's been every day.
I check my email a few times per month to see if they've come back. They said they might after all.
I think they may have committed suicide though.
I pray for them. I've told the Lord that if they're not in heaven, I'm not going there either.
I miss them, I miss them, I miss them.

>>4747 i feel you, i'm in the same boat with someone i talked a lot with on matrix, i woke up twice with their account deleted (or deactivated or whatever) twice; heard they accidentally doxxed themselves once and quit, then came back, touched base, spent talking for a while almost daily and then without warning just quit, couple of days after they had some family issues with their really asshole sister

fuck now i wonder what are they doing, i think i have their phone number but i'm not sure; i wonder if should i give them a call, god knows if that number is even still up

(woke up twice with X twice wtf is my english doing)

>>4798 same sushi, they now came back and we are touching base

It's Valentine's and all I am doing today is work and possibly starting a game alone (pic related)

I really want to make a friend online but it seems futile. I am completely locked up in life and I don't really do much interesting, nor am I really able to. I can't connect with anyone and I lock up and run away anytime I even try to socialize online. I feel like a ghost. Sorry for this post.

>>4989
you are not alone in this sushi, i have felt the same for the many years i've been online
i have given up for the time being, but i think surely it is possible if so many others have done it

>>4990
Thanks sushi. I'm just glad to receive a reply, it means a lot. I've given up for the most part as well. If I could try to be your friend I would but I'm really a wreck. I hope you're well.

>>4991
You are sincerely appreciated here! If you ever feel like chatting, there is a quite active discord… :)

https://sushigirl.us/chat

>>4992
I would really like to but admittedly I tried a while ago and immediately deleted all of my messages and my account out of fear. I'm so afraid of making people mad at me for some reason, or something of that nature.

I am re-watching Watamote and it is hard to watch, I am only now realizing I was just like Tomoko during college and I have only been getting more socially-inept since then. It's one thing when you're an awkward loner as a teenager, but at my age… I should really have grown past it by now.
I thought I would be ok alone, but I've been having recurring painful dreams where I recognize an old friend. We talk and I tell them to call me when we wake up, but obviously they never do. I'm a coward. Anxiety controls me. It's been years, can we even go back?

I hate myself and my malfunctioning brain
I'm just a freak

I have to give in all the time and I guess it's okay I shouldn't complain but sometimes it's tiring and I have nobody to talk to. Even if I did, though, it would be no use, I probably wouldn't want to say it out loud anyway because it's all dumb shit and I just need to suck it up.
I wish I was normal.

I don't really like venting because it tends to become a habit in me but right now I kind of have to because I can't take this off my head.
In the mornings all I want is to drink tea and READ and STUDY but now I can't and it's fucking eating me. Worst part is, I have the tea, I have the morning, but I can't fucking do what I would really like to do, I have nothing to do! I guess I should go and do something else, do some gardening, that should be good. But honestly the ONE thing that I really like has been taken away from me and I don't know how I'll be able to endure this.
I need to find something, idk, a job? fuck this shit.
Worst part is I don't want to end up blaming the people I love or becoming an angry, bitter person because of this. I have no idea what to do! I guess I'm just going through a bit of an abstinence phase, we are creatures of habit and the force of habit is gnawing at me, I need some time to forget about this. I keep remembering the books that I was reading just a few days ago and I feel bothered that I couldn't get to continue with that. But it is futile, and it was futile even then, as I could hardly get a moment to read lol.
I am also aware that given how obsessive I am it was causing me to not pay attention because that is all that I wanted to do all the time. I guess as the day goes by I will have other stuff to do and then I'll be able to forget this but the mornings are the worst moment for me right now.
I was considering trying to find a quiet moment when I can do this without any distractions but the morning has always been my favorite time to do this. On the other hand if I were to, say, devote the nightly hours to reading, well, I wouldn't get enough sleep for one thing, and I would again be distracted all day thinking about the time for reading, which would probably keep me from paying attention the way it always does.
I need to change my image of myself and who I am, what I need is a complete overturn of myself.

My grandma died in December, she had breast cancer. Probably one of my favorite people, yet I didn't feel anything when I heard the news. I wish I had any compassion in me, but I am completely self-absorbed.

I'm addicted to sadness. It's so comforting to let go and drop into the depths of despair. However every time I do, I find myself in a worse position than before. Living in limbo until old age takes away the last option, blinded by the golden light of memories, what a pathetic existence!

Why do nice people die instead of me?
I should've died long ago, it's so unfair.

Things don't really get better quantitatively. Just a little less worse.

It is important to embrace aloneness.
In aloneness one finds what is lacking in them.
In aloneness one also finds what they can draw from themselves.
In longing for a simple trailing hand along my shoulders, slim arms wrapped around my waist, a head upon my chest, murmuring sweetly, and softly to me, I find that I identify not a need but a lack, a want not only in the sense of a desire, but in what is wanting in me. And I find pain. But is this touch which simmers, which tells me "i love you" or "I want you" something that I need for what I am, for what I am meant to be? A name is that which is intimately connected to the meaning of a being, the purpose, the logos to the telos. And if my name, my little logos, is to be become an immortal name, the essential and eternal expression of itself in the cosmic order, is this beloved, this other necessary? Are the love of a father, strong and benevolent, of a mother, sweet, receiving and unconditional, of a lover, taking of yourself, accepting your love, and returning it of herself, of a friend, ever accepting, sharpening, drawing you further to your goal, or of any other love of another person necessary?
Is it necessary to make my name an eternal name, my self a divine self.
It is the central truth of the Christian religion, that God became man so that man could become god, and that indeed, men can become gods, serving the Maker of Heaven and Earth. This is what it means to have an immortal name. This is what glory is, to become a god, to become an expression of an eternal idea. And for so long, for so very long, I have longed not for this, but merely, to be human, to be loved by a beloved, to be accepted as a man among men, a human among humans. And the lesson of my aloneness is that this is not necessary for the eternal idea of what I was made to be. Beneficial? Yes. Good? Yes. Life-affirming, a blessing? All yes. But not necessary. Not the purpose.
I can be alone, unloved, unaccepted, untouched, and I am meant to be for a season, or perhaps for longer than a season.

I used too care about everything a lot, but over time I got desensitized to both positive and negative emotions.
Staying up all night with the sinking feeling that comes with the understanding that you ate slowly withering away slowly turns you into a nihilist.
I still remember the night when I curled up in bed and prepared for my daily existential crisis, only to find that I felt nothing.
It honestly was a relief.
The exception to this is a constant tang of nostalgia and anemoia for simpler times.

there's a nice sciencey youtuber that I watch sometimes but in her last video i started having lewd thoughts about her and I feel bad because I haven't been coomer brained like this in 5+ years and i always hated being coomer when i was in my teens and early 20s.
i always thought she was pretty but this is different, it's very primitive and lecherous. i hate it and i hate myself for falling back into this shit.

I'm getting stressed while preparing for a competition a few months out… I don't know how I can improve to become better and I fear like there is not enough time. Everyone around me improves faster than I do, and I have been in the same place. Is it time to call it quits or keep pushing on? Who knows

Hey everyone. I'm the OP of this thread.
I think it's a very open secret that I was the one doing most of the ranting at a certain time.
Just wanted to say that the blues sadly still didn't go away. And that due to dealing with some awful people I had quit browsing the board.
Honestly even ranting got lost in value too, it's not gonna change anything, and may just make me a target.
My only condolences is for people on the site because certain bad agents got here and it's all my fault. I thought people could be trustworthy, but sadly that's not the case, and it all leaked here. Even if I were to call them out and mention why what they've participated in is wrong, my life is bigger than words on a screen, and I'm sure creating more quarrels in an already quarrel-filled world isn't the best.
It's a shame, but I can't do it. Night everynyan~.

>>5140
keep your head high

I can't stop looking at gore videos from war zones but there's only so many pictures of babies with their heads blown off my heart can't take it anymore. But I still keep watching because someone has to see it. I feel exhausted and fatigued just by watching it. I feel like shit. Yesterday, I saw a video where a guy had his leg sliced off by shrapnel and was just screaming in the streets until people came and rescued him. I don't think he made it. I saw a guy carrying what was left of his son in a plastic bag. It was just mush and there was a lifeless arm hanging out. So this is where my tax money goes? I don't feel like eating anymore. I want to die. I turn it off to make it stop but I get then I realize the people over there can't just close the tab. They have to deal with that while I'm an ungrateful little NEET whining about my comfortable life. The worst thing is feeling like you can't do anything to help them.

I didn't remember posting it until I saw this thread on the front page and browsed through but I wrote >>4678 almost exactly a year ago. Funnily enough I'm also procrastinating right now too. I don't really remember the details of the state of mind I was in at the time and apparently have a weak memory of past introspection, but I am pleased to say I am probably not as depressed as I think I might have been a year ago. I don't get tears welling up every day at the slightest hint of feelings or hardship anymore and I got a new job that is a little more conducive to affording myself a modicum of ambition, something I always thought I'd like to have but never had much energy for.

I haven't started the new job yet though, and these past few months with no work to do have gone by fast. I've been bored and miserable, sitting at home getting fat alternating between skipping sleep to mindlessly browse the web all night and lying in bed for days at a time. It's a little sad because my last stint in unemployment was the happiest couple years I can remember, but I think I'm just not cut out for the good NEET life anymore. I've always been goal-oriented and become unhappy when I have no immediate mission and can't find one. I feel like I was more engaged with my interests and hobbies back then so it was easier to find a fulfilling use for the limitless time. Of course it might be my memory playing tricks on me again making me think I was more content then than I really was, since I know I did have some very self-destructive habits and was living on shrinking savings ignoring the fact that I would soon be broke. I still have terrible habits but not as bad and not all the same ones. It's slow and difficult but being able to stay in school makes me feel like I'm kind of doing something with myself longer-term other than rotting away. Hopefully once I start working again I can get into a good routine with the rest of my life too. Besides poor impulse control aimlessness, lack of a consistent routine seems to be one of the biggest contributing factors to my misery. It lets me just waste away for weeks or months not getting anything done until I realize how long it's been and start freaking out about the passage of time and getting even more depressed and useless. My last job really sucked most of the time but I guess I'm grateful it allowed me to learn these things about myself and figure out how to somewhat manage my problems.

>>5140
Glad to have you back. I disappear for a bit too but it's always nice to post here again. I'm sure we both know that people will always fight on the internet but I don't think it's worth dwelling too much on it. Anyways, thanks for bumping this thread. Finding my old post let me process some thoughts and get a bit of perspective on the way I've been feeling lately.

Today I woke up early. Thanks to that I had the time to think how senseless my live is.

>>5142
I've seen some stuff I shouldn't have too.

Making yourself suffer because others do isn't healthy and helps nobody. Stop watching those videos. That doesn't mean you have to stop caring.

My mother started a lecture to me that I should get a better job and try to become more self-sufficient. It was a hard conversation that lasted from dinner to when she came into my room to tell me about a family member she had. The conversation started with her own life and how she came from a poor family and how her mother had six children and had to work 6 days a week to support her family and eventually buy her our house, and then, about her (my mother's) own life and how she went from job to job, seeminly getting paid less and less each time before coming to her current job the pays her well. When she finally came into my room, she was telling me about that family member who ended up getting a degree, quitting that job, getting another job, getting laid off, getting married to a foreigner, and losing everything to a scam. It ended with her telling me that I must become self-sufficient otherwise I will end up being unable to support myself when they die. She had actual tears in her eyes. I had been stonefaced the entire time.

This is what I wanted to say to her, but I didn't because I knew if I did, I was going to lose my composure.

Mother, it is already too late for me. I have lost any kind of hope for myself years ago. Before even high school ended, I knew I would be in this place. Even with that, I have kept my head high and tried to achieve more than I had ever hoped to achieve. I got a degree, I studied, I paid off my own car. Even with that, even with seemingly passing the bounds I thought were set for me, I knew I wouldn't get far. Ever since I turned 25 and lost my insurance, thus losing any ability to get medicine for my ADHD. Without that medicine, the path to get a career is a cliff that I must climb.

Unfortunately, I really can't type any more. Not because I'm overwhelmed with sadness or unable to tell my tale, but because I've just grown numb to the entire thing. I can feel my spirits coming back up again. I've been doing a lot better, but the process of finding a job and continuing my education terrifies me. I've done self-studying, and I know I can do it, but I look at what I must achieve, and I freeze up in fear. I look at jobs and I feel like I'm not good enough for a job that doesn't even pay a living wage. Sometimes, I feel depressed when I think about my future, but most times, I've accepted that I'll end up killing myself when shit finally hits the fan. I have moved on from the dread of non-existence and don't feel much pressure to keep continuing. My siblings have a fine life, and I fear more for their safety and future than mine. It's a weird feeling because I bet they'd feel bad if I died. It's just that I really don't care? Do I not care? I have accepted my fate long ago and am happy knowing they will do fine in the future.

I cannot tell my mother this because I've always known that if I did, it would very much break her heart. Even after this conversation, she was almost in tears. I am acting as if everything is alright for her sake. I am acting ignorant because maybe if I do that, it'll hurt less when things do finally come crashing down. I'm sorry for the pain, mother. No one asked for this.

My half romantic half platonic friend for the last year has finally found someone else. We spent at least a bit of time together every day, so it feels strange and off that she is occupied with someone else now. I was formerly a khhv, but she was my first everything. We got physical earlier this year when she came to visit. When she went back, we decided that long distancing was kind of shit and not a proper way to make a relationship work. Still, we wanted to remain friends and kept talking every day. It never really felt like the door to a relationship with her was closed until now though, until she found someone else. I feel sad and physically ill just typing this. It makes no sense, because I didn't really see a future for us and still it feels like my whole soul is crying. I suppose there has to be a first time for this feeling too and I know it will pass, but goddamn. I'm starting to develop this horrible habit of checking what she's up to all the time, so I best try to put a stop to that as soon as possible. Connecting with people never really is all sunshine rainbows. Hopefully all this unpleasantness will feel like it was worth it when I look back at it in the future.

I'm thinking of committing social suicide again. As in cutting off everyone I know, quitting sites, cutting off people I know online and disappearing. I want to disappear.
When your such a disappointment to everyone the best thing to do is just leave.

>>5146
I can't stop. I feel like someone has to see it because other people won't look. What else am I supposed to do? Ignore people's suffering? I feel like I have to do something but there isn't anything I can do.

>>5158
>Ignore people's suffering?
wtf is watching it going to achieve?
wow yeah you really helped by sharing in their suffering by just watching them die. stop watching that shit, you're not ignoring it at that point, you're already aware of it.

I have no electricity. I have no property. I have no food. And soon I will have no home. The only thing I have left is my car, provided that it doesn't die. I just don't even know what to do. My cost of living has eclipsed my income, and I've dried up every option. I guess I'm just not allowed to live in this world anymore.

>>5164
How did this happen, sushi?

>>5166
A few months ago I had a health crisis at work, and had to leave my job. I spent the next few months studying and gaining certifications and licenses in several fields, so that I could get a job that is more accommodating to my condition. Unfortunately, no such jobs existed in my area. After several months of loading up my life expenses on credit cards, I'm now back at my previous job making less than a living wage. I just can't catch up to all the late bills, and the credit cards keep piling up. The power company shut off my electricity after failing to pay for so long, and once my apartment company notices, they can kick me out for failing to keep "liveable standards" since I have no power. I just don't even know what to do anymore.

>>5167
Well, first of all you need to to learn about personal finances and start tracking all your income, spendings and obligations. I only know of Dave Ramsey out of all resources in English, bet it is not hard to find more help on the Internet. Although I understand why you would do it, taking a loan to cover living expenses is a grave mistake and you are living the consequences. I believe first thing should be ensuring you have somewhere to live, so paying these the bills is a priority. Next is the interest. I would bring up your situation with your employer, or union if there is one at your workplace. If you are not already, consider working a side job on the weekends. You won't get out of this without sacrificing your time and energy.

>>5170
I appreciate that you are trying to help, but I need to say that you have no idea what you are talking about. "Taking a loan is a grave mistake" as opposed to what? Being evicted? Starving? When you have no money, borrowing is preferable to homelessness. I have studied Dave Ramsey's course, and he's a jackass who thinks that investment now still works the same way as it did in the 1980s. He puts all the blame on people who borrow money because he wasted his credit on fancy cars and homes, as if people don't have real legitimate things that they spend money on out of desperation. I work in a kitchen, we don't have unions, we don't have pay raises, and there are no other jobs in my area. I've applied to 60 fucking jobs and had over 20 interviews, and there's nothing. I'm working 7 days a week, I don't have weekends. And I still can't break even because of how dogshit living expenses are right now.

Again, I really appreciate that you're trying to help, but you don't know what you're talking about. And neither does Dave Ramsay for that matter.

>>5171
My advice is perfectly valid, it is only your situation that is so utterly hopeless. Can't vouch for Dave Ramsay, I have no good idea what he exactly preaches.

>>5172
god i fucking hate this character.