cliche answer, but therapy is a good starting point.your image is very unsettling
Also, i kinda have the opposite issue. If I really like someone chances are I'll just vanish, used to believe I was a very harmful and damaging person. So to avoid hurting those I like the most I'd vanish.
I am doing my best to fix this.
Eventually, I got hurt badly from my rude behaviour, and this lead to me being humbled.
So I guess your solution may be to eventually be humbled.
Or therapy, you choose.
i tried counselling but would like to try something more structured yeah. finding good mental health professionals i can afford is hard. vanishing is appealing but i am too addicted to attention to do it. i have known other vanishers too… try to know that your friends love you and want you around
that's the spirit! now if it were that easy…
Whenever I have tried to be with people I always feel so out of place, I don't enjoy it. I enjoy a lot more being on my own.
I've been waiting for someone else to notice lol
it is so funny
saw a person commenting about how sushi was faster than ever
it is all actually this one guy spamming this site to death
I feel bad for you all
to be fair, he did post that when there was a weird influx from some other site. but yes it is comically easy to tell when some people are posting over and over again.
I don't mind the small community feel at all, but I do miss when people were more serious about posting about more positive things
About a year ago I "finished" my degree and almost straight after that I got my dream job in the city I've always wanted to live in, made a ton of friends down here and found a really lovely house with cool housemates. I had space for car hobby so I got a new project I was excited to work on, had space for other indoors stuff I liked to do plus got out to see friends regularly enough. My friend from where I used to live for uni became my gf, then moved into my sharehouse and we were really comfy together although I maybe saw less of my friends.
Ffw to today, I suck shit at my job & feel like brain has been turning to mush, can't even remember how to do basic shit most of the time. I've been constantly stressed the fuck out (or sometimes just stupidly happy and bouncy & ignoring everything important) I'm constantly snapping at my gf and just in general being a horrible person to her. I feel like I rarely see my friends and almost never go out, at least nowhere near as much as I'd like to. Project car is basically the same as it was last year, just now I've moved into a place where I won't really have space to work on it.
I'm also apparently terrible at money management, on a 70k salary I've managed to save $0. Last month has been a total nightmare since I spent a whole paycheck on bond and rent and had nothing to survive on since I get paid monthly.
Everything is perfect for me, apparently I just suck at everything
Going to go n ride into a wall or something,cya
Updating these posts I wrote a few months ago in the last personal problems thread to write a little book review. I realise that those posts are a massive wall of text, so the tl;dr is essentially that I was addicted to talking to myself through an extremely autistic form of roleplay-writing I dubbed "TfT". I thought that posting about it would maybe help me, but it didn't do anything, although I appreciate the sushi who replied to me.
Anyway, two months ago I was able to quit this addiction in literal hours thanks to a book I picked up at random called "Smart Phone, Dumb Phone" by John Dicey. It's supposed to be an application of a quitting smoking method called "easyway" onto smartphone addiction. The tone of the book is very suspicious and it reads like an MLM scam or something. I'm not sure I can recommend it for other sushis struggling with tech addiction, though it was very effective for me for this specific problem.
Essentially, the crux of the method is realising that addiction causes you to confuse the relief of ending withdrawal with pleasure, and the trick to quitting is dismantling the mental rationalisations you've developed to convince yourself otherwise. Summarising it like that makes it sound fairly obvious, but I think the presentation is a big part of it. It also has a lot to do with your own attitude and this is why I think the method is hit or miss. If you can correctly identify and deconstruct these rationalisations, then I think it's very effective, but whereas I had instant success with TfT, I have tried unsuccessfully to apply this to my desire to quit eating junk food and stop using my computer. It requires a lot of careful introspection.
Unfortunately, my life has not improved at all without TfT and in most respects has gotten worse. The anti-climactic ending was bad for my confidence and I'm too afraid of relapsing to take pride in what I've accomplished. Whereas I used to be able to tell myself "right, I was writing TfT all day today" before going to bed, I now have genuinely no idea what I do all day on the computer. I did things like watch anime and study chess during the first week without TfT, but now I don't even do that.
Maybe I will feel better if I actually get off the computer, but unfortunately it's a more difficult problem to deal with than TfT was. I will have to dig deeper to solve this one.
Huh, read your posts and the situation is eerily familiar. I've kept a diary on my computer since ~2017 and written 1.5M+ words since then. It's pretty addicting to yell into the void instead of writing things that have to be read & judged by other people.
Very indirectly, I guess it has helped me figure out what I really want to do in life, which in turn has led to me spending less time on the computer overall. It's hard to let go, but if things go well I should be able to knock it within a few months…
Seems I missed the end of that thread and thus your posts. Reading them now it seems like a more extreme form of my "mental conversations" which I've been doing for so long as I don't even know when it started. Essentially revisiting and continuing conversations I've had earlier, or envisioning ones which I anticipate to have in the future, but all in my head. This is problematic because I tend to go in circles with very little progress being made because I'll think of a better way to convey something, or another point I'd like to incorporate, so I start over like a broken record. It would often happen when I was trying to go to sleep, causing me to not be able to fall fully asleep, but rather go into some kind of low-power kind of mode where my brain keeps going in circles for an hour or more while tuning out repetitive external stimulus.
Once I started visiting imageboards, this tendency also translated into "mental posting" where I'll rehearse post ideas or responses while showering or working. It became especially problematic at work because of the political goings-on in the US the last few years. My job is fairly mindless, and my brain needs stimulation. Since I work by myself, the stimulation came from my own thoughts, which tended to circle back to the various things I was anxious about, and I would imagine these grandiose posts that would bring people to their senses and have a massive ripple effect in creating a better world. Or I'd imagine writing the perfect dressing-down post to finally send a pesky troll packing for good. But I wasn't really planning for creating these posts, I was just imagining normal words having undue impact, all the while knowing I'm not a great writer and even if I was some copypasta on some random imageboard isn't going to blow up the whole internet the way I'm imagining, and the troll is basically winning if I spend so much time thinking about how to put him in his place. It got really depressing and made me hate my job. It got better when I started listening to music at work, but it still happens when I'm in the shower or doing other things that don't require much focus.
It likely stems from a combination of autism, dysgraphia, and being ironically gifted with spelling.
It's interesting that English apparently isn't your native tongue, because your written English is about as perfect as I've seen from anyone who wasn't writing professionally. Do you usually draft posts in a word processor like in the TfT screenshot?
This past year I've been extremely lonely, isolated, and bored. I act cold to everyone despite wanting to make friends, I'm weird, my social anxiety has skyrocketed, I have no one to talk to, and I've become paranoid. Due to my circumstances I've always been isolated to a degree, but it was never as bad as now, because I usually had someone to at least talk to. Now I have nobody, not even internet friends. My life isn't going the way I want it to go either, I'm failing at most of my pursuits. I don't know where to go from here. I'm not entirely pessimistic about the future, but I'm not sure if I can get out of this slump any time soon. I want to say it's gonna get better over time like I always used to, but I've been enduring a disturbing amount of suicidal thoughts and crying over the smallest things recently. I feel like I'm just not adapting to the world around me at all. I'm not even sure whether I should desire being in a community or whether I should embrace being alone, because I don't know if desire and the fulfillment of desire in general is something that will bring me happiness.
My life is in such a weird place right now.
The night before this one was weird.
My beer-induced day nap lasted till 3 AM, but that's not the point.
The point is in what was after.
The afterimages of whatever I was dreaming about before I woke up.
The memories of an earlier dream about the town I grew up in.
Made my thinking drift to the memories of sins that I committed at that time and of pain that I brought into this world.
Remembering it all, event by event. Although, not really. My memory is not that good.
I did bad things for stupid reasons. Out of arrogance and out of spite.
I realize now that I was a bully in my own way, mostly unlike the classmate who threatened to knock my teeth out.
That teacher, my behavior was quite ill to her. But I really, truly hated the unending supply of long essays for homework she'd been spamming us with. And so I found my ways to annoy her deeply.
In fact, what else should one expect? Forcing ≈11-year-old children to sit at a desk doing dull things for 8 hours a day 5 or 6 days a week. Of course, at least some of them will be spiteful and easy to anger, trying to make their time being fun, each in their own way.
It is also no wonder that we weren't getting along all that well, me and my classmates. Almost all of them were a year older than me, and so were taller and stronger. I naturally saw them as a threat to be wary of, and they saw me as a nerdy weakling.
When it came to STEM-related subjects, I was considerably better than most of them, if not at the top. And so I used that as a way to assert status and to vent out whatever "anger"' and "frustration" I had within me. Which probably looked ridiculous and retarded. Sometimes it totally did.
It's a wonder that I came out of that school without a single fight. My time in that school ended with me being homeschooled for a year. After that, I went for a school in another city where things were quite different.
Now that I have this written, I think I'm exaggerating things. Perhaps, greatly. We did have fun playing and laughing together, me and my classmates. Especially in the earlier days. There were two girls who liked me, at least as a friend. So, it wasn't all bad, definitely. But it was bad enough for some (baseless) spite towards normal people to appear within me, and it took several years for it to die out.
Is it weird to recall your childhood so attentively? I guess a normal person wouldn't spend his 5 remaining hours of the night doing it the way I did. Why bother yourself with reflecting on the past that's irrelevant to what you do and have to do now?
In fact, I don't usually do that either, although these memories of me being an asshole seldom resurface in my head. I wish I could ask for forgiveness whenever that happens. But it would just become a yet another memory of me being a clown if I were to find people from long ago and contact them for that purpose, wouldn't it? And so, my life goes on. Now it is my sloth that hurts and withers people.
Now my little sister is engaged to be married early next year. One of my younger cousins is getting married next month. And I've never even been in a real relationship.
Closest I got was pseudo-dating a friend in high school, but the only thing we did was go to a concert, but I actually paid for her ticket and another friend's too. The thing is, I would've paid for her ticket whether we were "dating" or not because I knew it was the only way she'd be able to go and I didn't want to go to a concert without my friends.
So far my loneliness is a feeling I've been able to largely ignore because everyone else in my family was living similarly, mainly because I'm the oldest. But now it's beginning to squeeze my bubble of comfortable indifference.
I remember when the song "High School Never Ends" came out, I was in high school and thinking that the comparisons of all those celebrities to various high school stereotypes was spot-on. I heard it again tonight and realized that, on a macro level it's true because the media pushes these eye-catching yet ultimately inconsequential trivialities because drama gets views and views get money, but on a micro level, it doesn't really hold up because most individuals do change and evolve. I just happen to be one of the unfortunate exceptions. Besides expanding my musical palette in the last few years, all my other interests and priorities were cemented within 5 years of graduation and have remained fixed for the last decade.
I took time off last week and interrupted my circadian rhythm in order to attend a family reunion which I haven't been to in several years, and despite sitting next to my closest cousin during the meal, we barely spoke for 3 minutes. Of course I'd begun to notice our priorities diverging even before I started missing reunions because of my job, but it wasn't until now that it really hit me that I can't relate to his life experiences at all anymore.
Also, last time I rebooted my computer I got a notice from Steam warning me that it's going to stop working later this year because I've got Windows 7, which means that last tenuous thread to the one person I still consider an irl friend, despite our physical distance and mutual silence, will soon be severed as well.
I had an extremely bad mental health day today.
I woke up at 1 PM with only a few hours of sleep (maybe like 5 or 6?). I attempted to fall back asleep but every time I'd end up waking up right away after having deeply unsettling nightmares.
This all left me drained, so I couldn't get out of bed. Eventually at 4 PM my mom showed up to tell me she was leaving, and I should get breakfast. We had a small fight bc I begged her to wash her dishes after using them bc this is fucking with my ability to get fed.
After that I stayed in bed for a few more hours until my mood started getting really weird. I started crying uncontrollably, and after a few minutes of that I got up from my bed and started beating myself up. mostly punching my head and legs, as well as biting my arms. After I realized what I was doing I stopped and instead started breathing heavily, in a panic.
I did this all again 2 or 3 times before I finally managed to get dressed and try and eat a proper breakfast. During the whole ordeal I was feeling very off. my movement was very slow, my breathing a bit weird, and I was still very unstable. Simple sounds like bags crinkling or dogs barking would set me off to panic again, while fucking things up (for example by dropping something) would set me crying again. I'd also start making weird noises whenever either of these happened, which despite my efforts I didn't have much control over.
After eating I spent some time cooling down, which did work. But now I'm just thinking about the after effects of all this.
My body still hurts a lot, it's making it hard to sleep. And the whole thing has me deeply worried. I have a feeling this might be a symptom of some mental illness, and knowing my family's history with it, I know for a fact that I cannot tell anyone that this ever happened. I'm afraid this could get me forcefully sent to a mental health center if it ever comes out.
I have no one else to talk this kind of things with and it's eating me up alive. The few friends I have have grown tired of hearing me vent and now just ignore me, and my partner doesn't really want to know about anything in regards to me self harming. I'm all alone and I'm really feeling that
If it's primarily the chat that's a problem to lose, I think there's a steam chat plugin for pidgin
Though I'd really consider upgrading or moving to linux if I were you. Wouldn't feel safe using win7 on an online machine given the lack of security updates
I am trying my best to let go of what is admittedly a justified hatred of someone who wronged me deeply and who I failed to properly cut out of my life. It resulted in then coming back each time I got close to healing and reopening the sutures. I want to reach out and really let loose, tell them all the awful things I want to say. I just know that even thinking about it isn unproductive, that wishing unhappiness on someone is relfecting back upon myself, regardless of how much they deserve it. I write out my hatred, and it ebbs away. I try and think about how intrinsic character flaws will lead to misery one way or another. I keep finding myself indulging my vices, my inner voice pushing me towards this misery and keeping me trapped in this loop of vice-nothing.
How do you truly forgive someone who doesn't deserve it?
Do I need to kill my vice before? Or is it that I need to let go of all of it at once?
I am working on myself where I can, I have signed up for things to force the issue for myself, but for now I'm in this pit of impatience and hate.
You can access Steam's Chat through any web browser.https://steamcommunity.com/chat/
Oh man, sushis. I'm doin' my best out here, but it's not easy. I have good friends, a loving boyfriend, and I'm finally on transparent, good terms with my family. But I feel my anxiety controlling me. It's like there's this deep, dark pit in my chest and I keep slipping into it. It's physically there, yet it's also something I invented in my head? I want to be "succeeding" so bad, and I know I can do it, but this illness keeps telling me, "you're in danger, you're in danger! everything is wrong. run!"
It's only the first day of the new semester of school. I guess I need to find a therapist.
It is always going to be there, it seems. Take it one day at a time, count your blessings and enjoy those things you got, you got them because somehow you earned them even if you don't believe it. You are well aware that they may not be there tomorrow, everything is impermanent, life is fluctuating in nature. Nothing is ever perfect, anyway; what you do is enjoy what you can enjoy at the moment, and meanwhile do your best in doing what you have to do where you must so you can have what you need to face the times ahead, whether they are good or bad. Whatever it all turns out to be in the end there's no point worrying about it now. You do you and let things unfold and handle them as gracefully as you can, nothing ever turns out the way we expect it to, we can't control the fuure, and we are never fully prepared. Keep this in mind but don't let it get to you, make it a point to enjoy what you can.
The uneasy feelings will remain, I think it's better to let them in and observe them and soothe them so they don't end up eating you inside.
Take care of those close to you, and let them go when they no longer make you happy. Don't cling to things, if you are blessed now, you can be blessed again.
I believe in you sushi!
Thanks for the reply, sushi. Don't have much to say– this was really the perfect response.
I believe in you too :)
Well, what a coincidence… he broke up with me today, haha… man. Over a year… agh, I really loved him.
I’ll remember this. “You can be blessed again.” I’m doin’ okay! One day at a time.
This feels like a bit of a petty thing to complain about, but it's been getting to me.
I've been basically a complete shut-in for a while now, and imageboards have been pretty much my only social outlet lately. A few days ago I got banned from the only other board I frequent (other than sushigirl) and I have no way of knowing how long the ban is. It might even be permanent for all I know. I didn't even say anything offensive or controversial, so it seriously feels like the admin just decided to ban me on a whim.
I realize that most people who read this are probably thinking "that's not a big deal, get over it," and you're absolutely right, but I still can't help but feeling just a twinge of anxiety over the thought that I might've just lost one of the only social spaces I still had. I guess I should start looking for other places to spend my time.
>>4696>imageboards have been pretty much my only social outlet
I relate to this. I used to be somewhat social, I've never managed to do well among normals, but I always managed to find a few people with whom I got along. Today I live in a rural area where there is none of that, at all. People are some sort of rural hypernormals. I just have one friend around.
But I don't really like to go out and socialize anymore, not even on the internet. It doesn't feel like socializing to me at all, it just feels like I'm putting my thoughts out these for a different breed of normals. Ones that are actively hostile. I cannot be myself on the internet, and part of that is because the internet is dominated by a handful of topics and narratives. Discord and to a lesser extent IRC seem like better alternatives for social intercourse but I am so used to sushi rollymous imageboards, that I use them a lot more, maybe because I can write long posts like this.
On a very related note, for a while I joined several sexting servers on discord. In all my, life, that has turned out to be the only reliable way I can relieve myself of sexual urges, but even then I feel kind of uncomfortable, not too different from porn, which I almost never use.
It is weird, that the only way to fulfill that desire for interpersonal communication, both sexual and otherwise, is online through a screen. It didn't use to be like this. But I chose to get away from people. And with all the bullshit in the world, I am glad I did. I'm not actually complaining, I just think it's curious.
I also had a friend who shared my love to study, but she started ghosting me. That's the thing with online friendships, they are ultimately fleeting and they may disappear anytime.
I have considered reaching out to people all over the world, to "network" if you will, and meet people that you would not find in the big hubs like r*dd*t or 4c*** (which are ofthe worst kind), to get to know where and how they live and what they think and like to do.
I hate being lonely, I turned 30 this year and it's really starting to hit me hard that there's a very good chance that I'm going to die alone. My only social outlet is work, where I barely talk to coworkers because I'm extremely awkward and anxious. I had four days off and besides an attempt at going to church, which I won't get into I effectively had no human contact outside my grandparents, who I currently live with. I have a few online friends I talk to and I care for the dearly but the complete lack of in real life friends or even acquaintances let alone a significant other is starting to get to me.
I immediately fell flat on my face the moment I graduated high school and I've started to call the decade and a bit after graduation my "Lost Decade" due to either being a recluse or a stoner NEET. Since then I have gotten a job and I have lost weight, but there's still key factors about my life where I need to get things sorted, I'm still ultimately a failed adult and even if I were to one day move past that, psychologically I don't think I can. I hate the daily urge I have to cry. For the first time in life I actually asked for a woman's number, I did so knowing full well that nothing will come of it but the few times our shifts have overlapped she was lovely to talk to and I really enjoyed just listening to her talk. She's gotten a new job since then, so I never get to see her face to face but we still talk a bit. She even messaged me first yesterday, just to talk about work related stuff but it was nice.
i met someone online who turned out to be a very abusive person/troll. they cyberstalked me and would use the same imageboards i used to scare me. i used to really enjoy using imageboards until they started becoming a place to be targeted by someone who didn't like me as a person.
ive always been a kind of mentally unwell person, leading to the feeling of isolation in real life. the internet was a bit like my safe space. i have social anxiety in real life and now i get real anxiety in the online world too.
it really sucks. i never developed social skills growing up and now i get confronted online by real people who don't like me. i think they did it as a troll, and thats the part that makes me angry and sad.
i dont know why but it makes me so frustrated. i wish i never met them. i wish i had a social life so online stuff wouldn't matter that much to me. i havent made any friends at my college and im supposed to be graduating soon. i wish i wasn't an idiot and knew not to get involved with malicious people online.
I fucking hate having sexual urges and sexual desire. It's a drag, it's weighing me down, it distracts me and I may end up bothering people with my desire. Even if I don't go and molest people with my lust, it takes so much of my mental energy so as to keep me thinking stupid unproductive shit and keeping me in a state of perpetual frustration.
Worst part is that I encourage it myself because I'm so addicted to the dopamine I get from masturbating, even if I don't consume (much) mind-poisoning porn.
Evn if I try not to indulge in this stuff, thoughts of it come on their own sooner or later, especially if I see attractive people. I was doing perfectly fine, actually, before that smoking-hot girl started working in the threads shop. It's like nature is torturing me with my unhinibited libido and absolutely shit social skills that make it's msatisfaction a categorical impossibility. Why.
Decreased libido is a side effect of some medication that I'm on and tbh I think it's been a good thing
>>4744>I may end up bothering people with my desire.
That's the idea, yes
I've had plenty of internet friends come and go.
But one will stay with me forever.
I've never met someone like them before or since.
We talked for eight hours a day like it was nothing, time flew by.
I think about them multiple times per week. Lately it's been every day.
I check my email a few times per month to see if they've come back. They said they might after all.
I think they may have committed suicide though.
I pray for them. I've told the Lord that if they're not in heaven, I'm not going there either.
I miss them, I miss them, I miss them.
i feel you, i'm in the same boat with someone i talked a lot with on matrix, i woke up twice with their account deleted (or deactivated or whatever) twice; heard they accidentally doxxed themselves once and quit, then came back, touched base, spent talking for a while almost daily and then without warning just quit, couple of days after they had some family issues with their really asshole sister
fuck now i wonder what are they doing, i think i have their phone number but i'm not sure; i wonder if should i give them a call, god knows if that number is even still up
(woke up twice with X twice wtf is my english doing)
same sushi, they now came back and we are touching base