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 No.8722[View All]

Do you usually have dreams? What usually happens in your dreams? Are you a lucid dreamer? feel free to share dreams you've recently experienced and have other sushi rolls psychoanalyze you
108 posts and 43 image replies omitted. Click reply to view.


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had a dream about an impossible love, it involved me crying on the floor of a white room.
then i cried a bit more after waking up.
surprisingly it's the second time this happens to me, the first time it involved my mother who died 3 months after that dream


meant to say before that dream


After I got betrayed and abandoned by my only friend, I got a scarily vivid dream of a car crash. The driver was my old buddy from teenage years, whom I backstabbed back then, and although we kept seeing each other, the relationship just faded away. He kept on speeding, until we hit a wall, and I became mentally crippled. The fate of my neighbours' kid, and one of my biggest fears. I woke up from that nightmare, but much like in the dream - I could not form a coherent thought.


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Something my sister said a while ago struck me
>You'll never have the right time, things will always get on the way
Which struck me a lot. I had a dream where I thought of the person that I wanted to spend my life with, my project of life. I listened to my sis saying this to me again, and I dream of going outside and trying to find her. She doesn't live in the same country as me, but I just ran anywhere, I wanted help from some relatives but I didn't even knew where they lived. So I just ran somewhere close to where I thought they lived and then I took a deep breath while my eyes turned humid.
Even if I am not ready as a man, I want to do this project of life together with her, I just wonder if she has the same thoughts, of a life where she can find stability. Of the man she can spend her life with.
Wherever you are, I hope you're doing the right thing.


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Was unable to sleep today, because of thought about a person I want to spend my life with.

Btw, same as for the sushi above - love of mine also lives in another country.


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recently i dreamt of being in one of my favorite games (persona), which also brought back sad memories of someone i used to share my love of the game with.
wonder if they ever ended up playing it.


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Being unable to sleep isn't exactly a dream now isn't it?
Did you have dreams with this person at least?


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… Four times in three months.
But daydreaming's more vivid and I remember them clearly.


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Well I hope you two get together some day, sounds like you'd make a good couple


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I know it's not technically dreaming, but I do sin of daydreaming about someone here and there like the other sushis said. Sometimes it's after a good lunch, other times in between hard sets in the gym, others while just returning home. Or before going to bed or taking a nap.
It's nice. Albeit I think this belongs more in the romance thread


Maybe when I was younger I would lucid dream, now I'm not so sure. As a kid I had multiple dreams where I'd be flying in the park down the street at night.

Back in high school when I used to smoke weed I would often get dreamless nights of sleep, just a long blink. After a week or so of stopping weed I would get these vivid dreams where I could easily remember them upon waking up. I hadn't tried weed in years but if I did again I would do it to periodically quit just so I could get those dream filled, well rested nights back.


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Last night was a bit weird. (sorry for the long post lol)
I was at a mall buying groceries, when I entered a bookstore. I started reading something and a guy my age interrupted me asking to listen to his music. I said I wasn't interested but I could try it and tell him what to improve.
After he left, I saw him going to play with a couple of kids so I followed him. At one point the kids go to a stand to talk with a woman, so I wait in line behind them so they don't notice. I got my turn and I told the woman to call the police or something because those kids were being harassed, and she started acting like she had caught me, saying "I know you're jealous, you want revenge" or something like that. After I tell her I don't know wtf she's talking about she shuts up, but the guy is already near us. Police officers come out of the blue to capture him, and he starts screaming in pain. I can see his throat vibrating with the scream, and then cut to black.
After that I'm right there with the police doing a sort of autopsy. The guy's skin is all stretched and ugly, like pic related but more exaggerated and all over his body, including his face. A policeman shows me how he cuts one of the bags of skin, saying he doesn't feel anything anymore; can't hurt something that's not alive. He also says this thing is like 130 years old.
All of this feels pretty weird and frightening. And then I wake up way before my alarm goes off.

By the way, I always loved the idea of lucid dreaming, but I can't get myself to form the habit of reality checking like this sushi said >>9251
I actually had one some time ago and I still remember it, but I couldn't replicate the experience (tho my dreams do feel quite real).
Also I'm very afraid of getting stuck on sleep paralysis, as some people noted can happen (×﹏×)


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What an awful dream I had last night.

So I'm playing this game similar to mother 1 in aesthetics, and I find a corner of the world that has a small house in a forest close to a river, the character that is there is a girl with blonde hair that has the name of someone I regard highly. And it asks me if I wanna sleep there.

I comply.

Then as I wake up, I notice there is a city close to me, but there is a shadowy figure in the looks of a snake with red eyes and grey color. My character can see this female person sleeping on a rock, tired and wearing a red bikini, but the absolute moment his thoughts go away after thinking about it, the female silhouette looks like this snake shadowy figure again.

Because engaging this female character seemed like a trap, and there didn't seem another exit, I decide to go into this city. A laugh mixture of a woman and a plotting witch pops up and another perspective image appears, if I back down quickly enough that image leaves. But I needed to leave.

As I face this image that looked like the entrance to a city, everything turns black and white, something that looked like a demon stares me, and not in the conventional way. It was a bald, fat figure, with eye sockets that were pitch black, eyes as pronounced that they seemed to pop out, and a face mixture of neutral and expecting something to happen, but borderline psychotic. As this demon stares me for some seconds, I see someone's guts and gore being splayed on his room, his skin seemed to not exist where his intestines would be, he would look like he was being exorcised, his body shaking and twitching from side to side as if it was manipulated by a puppeteer.

I had to force myself to wake up after that.

What the fuck.


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My fucking god I googled imaged an Imp and the eyes look EXACTLY like the thing in my dreams AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA


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Just had another horror dream, thousands being turned into buts and pieces by hellish fiends, zombies, abstract sounds and creatures undescribable by men.
It first started as someone persecuted by the law that looked like Christian Bale, but then it devolved worse and worse, from persecution to a lot of fighting there, from this to more obscene ways the law would fight, and from here to some sort of nightmare-ish apocalypse, and from then…

I'd be in some field away from everything, with some people there, I'd claim to some people "look at this virtue right there!" as a joke. The place seemed ok but far in the distance hidden I could see something shaped like a galaxy but blue around.

And then, I hear the most grueling noise, as if iron was grinding each other just to bend a bridge to asunder. Everyone in this place is confused, I stare around.

I see somewhere romboids that together shape up a person, they're like a stain in my eyes, so they overlap with the rest of the world. I didn't know what the hell it was, but I was scared to no end from it.

I'm having too many of these nightmares lately, something must have gone wrong


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>use to talk to a girl two years ago
>we were flirty but things died out
>hated me for a while
>now its more like a don't hate but don't say anything situation
>dreamt last night she was getting married
>didn't like she was being taken away
>still see her around regularly in an old online game we play
>don't talk
I wonder where to go, I could've had a girlfriend by now (not her) but she pops up every now and then - this isn't even the first dream. Where is the off button


>I wonder where to go
I'd suggest you to be be more honest with yourself and her.


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I had the worst nightmare in my whole life.
It wasn't scary, it was the recollection of aall the bad things I've done last year.
Brutal stuff I tell you. Extremely Brutal.


I was out with the lady for a field trip or something, we were walking along a road to a place where we planned to stay for a few days, I'm not sure. But along the road we stopped at a nice little house up a small hill on the side of the road. At first we thought it was inhabited, because it looked nice and tidy and the plants around it were all nicely trimmed. But then we started realizing it seemed to be abandoned. It was a very nice little house, though, a lot better than the one where we were staying. I kept thinking maybe we should take this one, but I wasn't sure. Everything seemed very nice, if just a bit old. But I had an odd feeling about it, if it was so nice, how come nobody was there? I thought maybe something bad happened there and it would be haunted now. I walked up the stairs to a sort of attic and I started hearing some music in my head which made me feel inside one of these spooky room escape games I liked to play. The house was old and dark.
Across the road from the house there was small valley with an absolutely stunning view of a mountain and you could see a stream flowing along big rocks. Clouds started to gather in the distance and we could see lightning.


Prior to the past few months, dreaming was exceptionally rare for me, or at least remembering dreams was. I would remember one dream every few months at the shortest interval, and they were always very vivid.

But recently, I‘ve been dreaming every night, over and over. Sometimes it’s about school. Sometimes it’s about the guy that was harassing me finding me. The dreams are never completely “terrifying”, but they’re always just anxiety inducing and unsettling enough to keep me tired when I wake up.

I’ve been anxious since I was a kid, but this sucks.


I am visiting my family in my hometown right now, and had an awful nightmare last night that my childhood home (down the street from here) was being looted, with me inside. I was unable to call for help, my phone kept failing. No one seemed to want to hurt me, only take my things… The dream I had immediately after that was upsetting too. Two friends I had in high school were attending a funeral with me (in said hometown) and I needed to take a shower. But in doing so I made them late. I was often short-sighted and selfish when it came to friendship with them, and I remember feeling devastated in the dream because I had engaged in the exact same behavior in the dream that caused me to be estranged from them now in real life.


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Gonna post this one because I think it's the proper time.

It was a foggy night in the city
They were rebuilding the roads. It was filled with gravel and debris of buildings above the road. They said they were rebuilding the streets but it was impossible to move across them. Everyone working there said the debris would be used for construction.
My dad decides to travel across with me in a vehicle that could withstand the terrain. Chances were it was an off-road truck, the terrain goes up and down so often it's impossible to have a second of stability. Sometimes it would get to the point where it no longer is just debris in a flat fashion but piles upon piles that would be similar to dunes or hills.
It gets to the point where I can't stand it and I leave the vehicle.
Somehow I climb the buildings from outside and decide to move jumping from apartment to apartment. As they were made out of paper, these apartments would start to crumble and fall apart as soon as I touched them. Jumping from apartment to apartment made of paper, they all come falling down like dominos.
For some reason I also pushed down many of them, possibly trying to make it easy to move across. When I'm about to push over another tall building, a gentle voice of a woman appears. Seems like she is going to go deep into a certain narration, involving her past.
These houses and buildings I would be disposing of meant the world to her, and she would happen to be holding memories in them.
In one of these buildings, I could see a window opening to a dark room, where a birthday cake can be seen.
It's her birthday, she is fond of the mom she had because of her care towards her. They were singing happy birthday together.
And soon, it changes to another room where it's her and her mother. Her mother is in front of a piano, as she is showing her a piece she knows how to play.
She is wearing a french hat, a black tank top, and a black silk long skirt while she is playing. The daughter is fascinated. As she looks at her, eventually it becomes the daughter the one that is playing. And from here, a round of applause from many of her friends.
In this memory, she recalls these moments as some of the best she had. She was 8 by the time she has seen that happen. She is the age of her mother in that memory now.

By the time I realize, she lived a life…

And from here, a scary event unfolds…
…my ex comes back to my head.

As I've seen the age of this woman when she was 8 change to the age my ex had when we met, and the dog tags next to this dream had the name of my ex and the picture she had when we met.

I shake my head and get out of it all, and as I look flabbergasted at this city that was made of all the ashes of her memories, memories I foolishly erased, and the roads were being built by debris and junk that was not working. I could only let a scream get out.

And I screamed.
While my hands were on my head, and I was facing the heavens, on my knees and frail.

I screamed

tl;dr the death of my mom, a break up with someone that meant a lot to me, and other things that were also much more complicated that happened last year manifested themselves into a dream

I miss my mom


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I had a dream where I murdered somebody and had to creep around my family estate avoiding the law. Everything would be fine if only I reached my room. This very dream played for two nights, but hapenned before in different settings.


>be more honest with yourself and her
It's over for me now, she has a boyfriend now and I don't know how long its been going on between them. I have a weird way of dealing with things that hit emotionally, like a delayed fuse. Like everything, too little too late huh

I'm trying to tell myself I'm going to learn something from this someday, the loss is real and as twisted as it sounds possibly necessary that I feel the pain. I'm already in a bad spot in life and something that can hit like this might have the effect of jarring me and putting me back on track.

I'm afraid of whether or not this really is the truth or just another lie I want to believe


The loss of a person quite like that is devastating.
I have experienced it, I think the best you can do now is understand what brought you to the situation you're in now, and try to make amends from here.
My best suggestion would be to seek counseling, but besides that, I think you might be a bit too harsh on yourself. Just as you managed to talk to someone like her, you will get to talk to someone like her in the future again.
Just be sure that, when this person arrives, you're ready to open yourself to her, without any strings to your previous sweetheart attached, and let love in. Besides, it would be disgustingly disrespectful to force yourself on her now, wouldn't it?


>Besides, it would be disgustingly disrespectful to force yourself on her now, wouldn't it?
I'm afraid so. I'm afraid of all that you just said to be true and that this is the path I'm to take now.

Not everything can go my way, can it.
>Seek counseling
I am speaking to an old friend about it who I haven't been keeping in contact with (they were just happy to hear from me at all. I guess I should consider myself lucky in some way.) and he says if I have nothing to lose, what about at least trying to reach out to her and getting closure.

What do you think about that


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You can try, but there is the chance she might not want to talk things out.
You're lucky you got a good friend, why not try to go out with him more often? Spend more time with him and see what you two can do?
As someone struggling with those feelings often, I think that what triggers those memories and wishes of being together with her again, is being in a rut. Try to get to a better place to yourself, find yourself more comfortable, meet new people. It will all play out accordingly.
If she wants to talk things out, then let her. If you want to talk to her, go ahead. If she doesn't want to talk things out, you'll need to reach to that closure on your own


> If she doesn't want to talk things out, you'll need to reach to that closure on your own
I just want to voice myself, if it isn't going that way then the show must go on..


I've been dreaming of an old friend lately. We lost contact, but it seems they're still on my subconscious mind.


Dreamed about driving behind a car that had two motorcycles on the back, with the front wheel touching the street. Two people were riding on them with their backs against the direction they were going. Then the car hit a large bump and both got catapulted into the air and crashed into the railing. One of them survived badly injured.


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Best friend went to army and we lost contact. Had a silly dream where I was serving as well and entirety of some other allied military base came over to our base with a horde of village girls because one of those girls was getting married to some guy from our base. Commander of the other military base staged the marriage to assassinate our commander with an explosion. I noticed something wasn't right and jumped out before the building exploded, caught up with commander of the other base, knocked him down and we kicked him to death with our base's garrison. Rest of the dream was a political play because all command staff was dead and the other party couldn't leave our base for some reason, we weren't openly hostile to each other but it was apparent that both groups were plotting against each other out of caution. At some point I was done with us failing to uncover their plots or make a plan ourselves, so I grabbed an axe and bursted into a room where our and the enemy party were discussing something and started attacking a man three heads taller than me in the chest. He looked like Mike from Breaking Bad, but was much bigger, beefier and wider. He reminded me of Armstrong from Metal Gear Revengeance. Mike was unharmed after my attacks and looked down at me. I looked at my axe and only now noticed it was rusty and dull. Before Mike could punch me into the ground someone from my base jumped and kicked him in the head, yelling some kind of war cry and my allies in the group started attacking as well. We took Mike down and rest of the group had to retreat due to being outnumbered. After that we had a meeting where I was scolded for my lack of progress in gaining the upper hand on the enemy and was laid down from acting on my own. Position of leader was given to a short bald chinese man with a nickname "Chinaman". My memories of the dream after that are blurry, but I know it ended with me saving the girl from the enemy base and establishing peace with the act. I asked her if she'd like to stay with me or go back to her base and she laughed at me before going back. I spent rest of the dream watching sunset from roof of one of the buildings.

At early point of the dream, before the explosion, I found said friend's SIM card and put it into my phone. Later, his brother was calling, but I didn't accept the call because it felt rude to take calls meant for my friend and I was going to just give back that SIM card to him when I find him.
He used to have a brother IRL, but he died by suicide many years ago.


Had a nightmare that lasted for what felt like hours. I was sitting behind my PC, noticed a shadowy figure walking to my door and starting to unlock it from outside. I jumped towards my door, leaned on it with my shoulder and tried to hold the lock still. The figure kept tried to push the door open and I kept holding it shut, but whenever I tried to scream for someone to get help my mouth would just exhale air with no sound. Then I woke up, saw the figure walking to the door, jumped out of my bed and started holding it again, same story. Then again with the PC. First thing I did when I woke up for real was check my lock, what a stressful dream.


Lisa Becomes a Time Lord.
By M C
I can't remember the name.

Lisa Simpson becomes a time lord, and transcends the concept of time. She is able to exist in the past, present, and future. I recall seeing a room with an ice floor with walls and many hallways. Then, I see a lot of typical psychedelic spiel. Lots of colors and patterns constantly moving. Then, Lisa is in a room with a peer practicing piano. The peer is a bit annoyed at being disrupted. I think at this time, Lisa joined a group with similar power or something. Finally, Lisa is killed and Homer avenges her death. He's on top of the plant with Lenny nearby. Below is Mr. Burns and Mr. Smithers. They say they won't be able to open up this metal box that they'll use to celebrate, but someone takes out a crowbar-looking thing and the guys cheer. Finally, on the ground with a sunset, Chalmers tells Skinner(?) that his job is a lonely one. You have power, money, houses (literally said), but you basically forsake having any real friends or partners. The episode closes out with Homer going into the box, which on the inside is vast and filled with a mysterious yellow goop on all of the insides.

M C is someone who's made a few dreams of mine already, and in the commentary, that being, the people in my head in my dream, have said they've liked a few of his works. Who is he? I forgot.

That was one of like, three of four dreams. I can barely remember them now. It's been like, almost two hours since I awoke. They were probably just as weird. RIP Lisa Simpson.


What if you were the (M)ain (C)haracter all along?


Had a dream about some nerdy girl asking me if I want to hold hands. Apparently neither of us knew what the deal with handholding was and we spent the whole evening not letting go despite trying to do things like use laptops or read books. The dream had no erotic feelings or context, but the act of handholding felt like the most intimate thing possible.


I was an android with a group of 2 or 3 other androids in a wasteland, possibly the surface of Mars. Our batteries were on their last juice and we were arguing what to do. Then a giant fireball flew into us and I woke up.


I founded my own martial arts dojo and got a nickname, that was a pun on hello kitty. After the training session I drove to the edge of a forest. It was raining and I went into the lush green woods. A short climb lead me to something like a small shrine. It had a pitched roof and the wood looked almost black in the rain. Next to it there was a plant with a long stem and round leaves the size of a foot on alternating sides. I took a look over my shoulder to check if someone had followed me and bent the plant down to somehow open the entrance to my secret home.

Then my alarm promptly ended the journey.


I appeared in some sort of cozy home "escape room" with my friends, solving some primitive puzzles and at the end being asked to cross a river without touching it and with no equipment at all.
After joining some pieces of wood together with a wire I attempted to walk the plank across but the whole concoction sunk along with me, leaving the presenter to burst in laughter.

I appear in some sort of cozy home "escape room" alone. Since I already know all the puzzles, I follow the step by step but then I notice that there are some men in radiant green uniforms welding a cube together. I ask them whether I could pass but they apologise and say that the way is closed.

After searching the whole basement area in panic I stumble upon a small kitchen with a doll dressed up as a gothic version of Nanny from Totoro inside. I follow her into a mossy dark green aquarium of sorts with a small steep path down at the left and an open cave opening leading to light and even more moss and yellow flowers on the right.

After obviously choosing the steep path into the abyss I get into a tunnel where a weird pixelated font flashes before my eyes telling me:

"You cannot pass
you need 10 🪙 to pass."

The next thing I remember is relaxing somewhere at a meadow working on a magical ring of healing when the grandma appears behind me and drops me an amulet with a dark bead inside. Before picking it up a popup appears in clear English: "The one who wears this shall be forever cursed with death." Noticing that I grab the amulet with a pair of sticks and throw it at the grandma. The grandma suddenly disappears, leaving only behind her clothing with popups levitating over it:

"Lucy's armour. May it protect the wearer from all illness and curse. With love, Maria~"


I was at the grocery store with Ragnvaldr from Fear and Hunger, we were buying a ton of food, but the shop worked in a peculiar way - you go to shelves with photos of food, pick up cards with image and name of product you want to buy, then later give them to the cashier and they'll bring that food from the back. We gathered a few handfuls of cards and were waiting in line, but that tall rabbit from Amazing Digital Circus and his random friend cut us in line.
I said something like "Yo, friend, I don't remember you standing here before" and he looked in the other direction, acting like he doesn't hear me. I got angry and thrown him onto over my hip and onto the floor, but in the act all the grocery cards I prepared fell out and splattered all across the room, that made me even angrier, so when he stood up I thrown him down again and started putting him in leg and arm locks. When I let him go people in line and the cashier told me that it's not that big of a deal, I don't have THAT many cards.
I go "OH YEAH?! WHAT'S THAT THEN" and start showing them random cards I pick up from the floor, they have pictures of a character from some story and their name, cashier and others help me understand who those characters are and sort them into categories.
Then I pick up a weird card, character description is just "?!!", the picture is just some random pink mess and the name is Niiksi-11. I ask in irritated tone "The hell is Niiksi-11?" and everyone starts looking at each other with confused looks. Cashier asks me "What's Niiksi-11?", I show him the card, he screams and I lose consciousness.
When I woke up I was lying on the floor of that same shop, but lights were out and people were all crowding together and looking at me with terrified expressions on their faces. I looked around in confusion and one of scared customers whispered "Paradox…", I asked him "What paradox?", some kind of explosion occurs and I lost consciousness again.
When I woke up again I was on the floor in some kind of cellar/bunker, only ~half of customers were with me and Ragnvaldr explained that they already called the rescue company that takes it's fee by taking all rescued people as slaves. We had a console and watched broadcast and messages stating ship's arrival and our last chance to recall the rescue request. We did not do that and the console started showing logs of battle between the rescue ship and Entity 8. In the end, the ship defeated Entity 8 and Ragnvaldr told me it's not a bad fate to be enslaved by this company because they will just enlist us in their army to fight against similar creatures.

From my feeling, when people were afraid of me in the shop I was both the Entity and myself at the same time, but when I spoke we separated.


In my most recent dream, I talking to someone about doing Judo


I dream of mustangs…


Today I was rushing to the community place at my place since there were burglars trying to rob it out of the nothing that there was. After a while of finding nobody we surrounded the basement exit (that for some reason leads outside, is 10 feet in the air and looks like a gate to hell) and opened said gate.

Two younger men jumped out of it, a smaller forward-leaning man with short dark hair and a bigger chunkier man with lighter brown hair. Both tried rushing through us all without a weapon, the chunkier man with a phone in his hand. I managed to grab his phone and started sprinting away with it as the man was getting through the barricade. Thanks to my knowledge of the layout of the place I was able to gain a huge lead. And then I was suddenly sent to the Shadow Realm.


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I had a dream that I was in this place called, I think The Black State or something.

In this dream apparently there were restrictions put in place that would control everything about your life. My grandparents acted on these restrictions and would force my entire family to go along with it.

I could only eat staring straight forward, because I had to be able to see my mother in my peripheral vision in case something happened. I was eating, I think like pelican jerky or something? It tasted and looked like maple bacon.

I think there was some kind of sentry going back and forth across my vision.

I was at school. At school and on the playground, kids would often break down from these restrictions. It was the only place where they weren't restricted. But they were still being watched.

Teachers and other faculty members would watch each kid carefully. They'd see how you interacted with people, how popular you were, etc etc. And also, your popularity seemed to be determined by how white your teeth were.

Before I woke up, the dream shifted into the perspective that this was all from the past from Mr Garrison from South Park.


Walking towards our home with people who apparently were my family. Got stopped by a large pack of bullies who wanted money from us, told them to fuck off. They got our location and later raided us. Fought off few. I tried to call for help, but was too emotionally shaken up to manage that. Had this dream before.


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Lately, I've been wanting to take up running. I struggle with social anxiety, poor health, and living in a big city makes it very challenging for me to just go and do it. Last night, I had a pretty interesting dream. I found myself moving through a crowd of people from the past. Suddenly, my fingers became entangled in the very long hair of a girl I used to talk to. People around us accused me of doing something terrible, and I started to back away. It was incredibly stressful, but then I realized I could just run away from them. Mind you, I didn't sprint away. I remembered that beginners should keep the pace slow, so I just trotted away from the angry mob. LOL.


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I have dreams that are either about romance, architecture, or night terrors that I'd rather not get into because uncomfy. Usually the romance and architecture ones seem to merge. I had a dream recently about being in this mansion on the water intentionally shaped like a boat where I would have nice, cozy times with this girl I really like and been talking to (outside of dream). We would cuddle in the night, and occasionally invite our friends over for karaoke and movies that were projected on this huge living room screen and make nice dinners in the kitchen together. It was really surreal but I honestly loved the dream and have been cherishing it in my head for some time since I had it.


That sounds wonderful, I hope this warmth stays with you.
Many years ago I had a dream like that, and every once in a while something reminds me.
Even now, the strength of feeling it evokes amazes me.


Me again, I guess I was thinking about that dream, and how I'd explain it to someone.
I realised to explain the feeling fully, I needed to explain a little about someone in it, and in exploring that I realised it was a feeling I'd carried with me more than half my life, and never mentioned.
So here you go rolls, the rambling secrets of an insufferable fool.
We met in the first year of high school, which where I'm from means around 14 years old.
We grew to be pretty good friends, and in time I developed pretty strong feelings for her. I didn't think she was interested, and I valued the friendship, so I kept it to myself.
Over time we drifted apart, took different paths in life.
She ended up dating an exceptionally dull classmate, at the time it was a bitter feeling, but I moved on.
Through talking out those feelings, and some similar ones in return I ended up very close to her then best friend, now one of my closest friends.
We both moved away to study, and drifted further still. We met up a few times after that, but she wasn't the person I once knew.
The last time we spoke she was utterly preoccupied with money, and virtue signalling to her fancy new friends. The dull classmate had dumped her, and she was now dating a guy with very wealthy parents, and who was absolutely smitten with her, but had all the personality of a damp paper towel. She was telling me how great everything was going, but it felt so forced, so unnatural.

I'd been going through a bit of a low patch myself, and I sort of expected the meet up to bring back some pangs of youthful yearning, of tragic unrequited love.
But instead it was just sad. To see the wonderful little weirdo I used to know leading a life I know she would have once found abhorrent. Aspiring to things I don't think she really wanted, and settling for easy conveniences over following her passions.


Sometimes I wonder, what if we had got together all those years ago? I doubt it would have lasted, but perhaps it would have set her down a different path. Perhaps could have held on to the wonder and beauty she used to see in the world, and made peace with who she was, instead of reshaping herself to another's mould.
But back then I didn't really know what was coming, and the suspicions I had I didn't really credit.
I'd have been going against what I thought was best for her then in persuit of my own teenage horniness.
And if things had gone my way from the start, might I have ended up the same way? For sure my experience back then shaped who I am today.

It's all very presumptuous of course. I've no good reason to believe I know what's best for anyone. But what I wouldn't give to find out what might have been.
In recent years I've come to realise she's probably pretty autistic and didn't really know how to make sense of her feelings and others advances back then.
The life she was living when we last met was perhaps a mask she adopted to fit in with the people she saw as successful.
I hope it's not that simple, I'd much rather believe she really is happy with what she's got. But it's hard to believe…
And of course, that was years ago too. Perhaps she has moved on, and found herself. That would be the best outcome.

That's kind of what the dream was about. It came to me a few years after that last meeting.
There has been some kind of apocalyptic event, I don't know what exactly, but there was noone around but the two of us.
We were working on a farm, planting potatoes and digging channels for irrigation. It was hard work, the sun was fiercely hot, she was complaining constantly and I was finding it harder and harder to put up with.
Somehow we made it through the day without screaming at each other, she asked me what next, I shrugged and wandered off. We found ourselves on the roof of a big warehouse, looking out over the work we'd done as the sun began to set. Just kicking back and taking it all in. After a what felt like forever, I turned towards her. She was still looking out at the sky, but with little smile, and a light in her eyes like she'd finally realised what it was all about. That wonderful satisfaction of a job well done.
And that's where it ends, that feeling, the feeling of sharing that feeling, of finding it in someone you least expected, of finding out someone you thought was gone was there all along.
Absolute bliss. It gets me every time, stronger than any real memory I can think of.

Of course, now it's outside my head it reads less wonderful, and more narcissistic fantasy…
Am I just projecting my own feelings into a memory of her? Probably.
But I think it's worse if it's true, if she really is faking a life she doesn't believe in and I'm just leaving her to it.

I should get in touch and see how she's doing.
I don't know if she'll appreciate it, but I'd rather be a well meaning embarrassment than a indifferent memory.


Apologies for the blog post, I typed the whole thing on my phone in the tiny reply box. It was so long (or perhaps so self indulgent) the server wouldn't accept it in one go.
I don't really know why anyone would want to read it, but I do know one of the things I love most about this place is reading the little pieces of themselves others share, without any real reason or reward.
Touching fragments of humanity, floating in a big cozy soup.

But, finally, I have made it back on topic.
The last dream I can remember started with my next door neighbour climbing in my bedroom window to ask me where I got my alarm clock because he really liked the sound. I explained it was from Lidl, and I'm not sure if they still sell them. I offered him mine, but he declined. We both had a cup of tea, I let him back out the front door and went off to work.
It seemed a perfectly casual interaction at the time

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