I talked myself out of caring about love or relationships for a very long time because I was afraid and not confident. Now I am realizing that it was a mistake and as I get older I wish more and more that I had some kind of love experience. The times I have tried in the past year haven't gone so well and I can't say I've ever really truly fallen for someone. What I'd like more than anything else is for someone to fall for me but I can't see that happening.
I am in a bit of an odd position, but it makes sense to us. My ex broke up with me, but afterward we've remained drawn to eachother. We still feel like soul mates, we're each other's best friends, yet we know it'd be wrong to be together for a while. We need to grow a lot as people before that can happen. In the meantime, we still express our love to eachother. I constantly tell him not to let me hold him back… idk. Is this sustainable? Maybe, maybe not. But I want to be single for at least a year.
you are not alone, roll.
>>7086>We need to grow a lot as people before that can happen.
This is a cop-out. You should grow together. In fact, that's the whole point of a relationship. If you can only get along when things are perfect but you can't work through things together that's a weak-ass relationship. At the same time, if he broke up with you, there's nothing that can be done about that.
There's no point in "expressing your love for each other" if you're not working through your problems together. It is a sham. Show love through actions and not pointless words/gestures with no follow through.
You're right. I tried mentioning the idea that you can be flawed yet committed to growth in a relationship and it changed nothing. It hurts so much. It's true that he had his depression problems and we had our disagreements but it's nothing unfixable. After we got in touch again he said we can be together when we're better and more mature, but he doesn't know when that would be. I fully admit I need a lot of personal growth but it hurts that I'm not enough as I am. I clung to the hope of a future, and we sexted a lot.
We indulged fantasies of being married and openly confessed our love daily. He would tell me I'm his only "mate" and that comforted me at first but now it feels terrible, so what that I'm the only person he'd want to have sex with. I want his girlfriend. We still think of each other as soulmates… But every time anything sexual happens lately I literally just start crying because I know I'm not good enough to be his. It just feels so wrong to go through with this stuff when he's not actually mine and I'm not actually his.
It's so embarrassing that I let him tell me sweet things that will likely never come true, so I told him I won't be doing it anymore yet he doesn't fully believe it. We keep flirting. My heart is breaking more and more and I am afraid there will be nothing left. Someone please knock sense into me.
At least tell him so he doesn't go crazy wondering.
Tell him the truth.
He not going to just automatically know you want to try out being single for a year. A man can't guess something like that. You have to tell him.
I like flirting much more than love. Sad that often the best flirters are looking for something - one girl stopped talking to me because I didn't want sex I just wanted wordplay, but to be fair I can entirely see where she's coming from.
But at the moment there's this super cute girl and we're doing long flirty conversations, but we were good friends and did lighthearted flirting then too so I don't know whether there's something in the increase other than quarantine desperation.
Why do I need someone so much?
I've had a fair share of experience in my life already. I know full well that not having a partner isn't a bad thing, as it gives a person a lot of time to do whatever they want, develop their hobbies, pursue a career… and ultimately, the partner of one's dreams should just appear, attracted by the value they've seen in a person.
At the same time, I want to have someone right now. I've haven't experienced much love, don't have much of a family. I'm deprived of human touch and warmth, completely unmotivated, almost friendless, horribly depressed. I know I already have a lot of offer - I don't look half bad, got hobbies, can cook, earn well, have been told I'm witty and able to make a girl laugh. But… there's noone there for me. I feel like nowadays it's impossible for me to meet anyone who'd turn out to be my soulmate and a reason to go on. If I met someone like this, I'd flip back to my usual genki state.
I'm not going to just date anyone for the sake of dating. It's better to invest in yourself than to go through unnecessary drama later on. That being said… I just sit idly and wither away. Corona makes it a lot worse, as I fully know couples have it a lot easier now, unless they discover they actually hate each other.
Sorry for the sad post, sushi. Just needed to get that out somewhere… I'd normally pretend everything was OK, but today I'm just melting.
He broke up with me. I openly told him my goal to be single for a year, but then he gave me the hope of a relationship and I got lost.
I get it. I don't deal with being alone well at all, either.
Corona has killed all chance of meeting anyone for the next 6 months at least.
Most people on imageboards are lonely, but have accepted their hermitdom, or even embraced it. Or just don't need that much contact. All of these are fine.
I just feel like I'm some normie and I get even more depressed.
It's now when the "go outside" advice doesn't work anymore that people may find out there's something wrong about making relationships nowadays.
(assuming you're the same person)
I can relate. I feel like I'd be a good partner but its just never happened.
It isn't a normie thing at all to want to with someone. I feel like a lot of people, on image boards and in general, are lonely, having little romantic experience or friends. The saddest thing is that there are a lot of lonely people that would be good matches but they don't know how to reach each other. Normie people go to bars or use dating apps while 'loser' people (using the term endearingly, I fall in this group) tend to be shut ins. We're like people stranded on islands, we know people are out their but don't know how to meet each other.
Yup, it was the same person all right.
"What if the person I'm replying to a lot over here is a potential partner, who has lost a hope for a relationship?", is a thing that sometimes gets into my mind.
At times, even if the technology makes it possible (e.g. you found some person you'd connect with), odds are they have trust issues as well and be hard to approach.
I agree with you. The only way for people like us to connect is to get to some place where you can operate under a pseudonym that wouldn't be full of normies.
Unfortunately, even the scarce social boards on imageboards don't work well.
People like us won't use dating apps just because they skip the phase of friendship. I think most imageboard users want to have a good friendship first, then make it something more if both sides are fine with it. This is quite different from going to dates.
Ah, it's all so wrong…
I relate with both of you. I'm very isolated and I'd love to fall in love with someone but it has to be a person I can trust, not just some girl I picked up on an app. No idea how to find one though, I've met a few women in a small online community I connect with and we all get on really well but every single one of them has a partner already.
Not having a girlfriend isn't killing me or anything, I've been alone for my whole life so I'm used to it, but sometimes I just want a hug you know?
Just that one person to be vulnerable with.
A man's a man. Any vulnerability shown is perceived as a weakness. That's why it's important to have this one person you can fully open yourself to…
>I've met a few women in a small online community I connect with and we all get on really well but every single one of them has a partner already.
Same here, even if I do meet some they're already taken.
> I've been alone for my whole life so I'm used to it, but sometimes I just want a hug you know?
That makes at least three of us, then.
>and finding someone on the same wavelength of weirdness as me feels impossible
Same feelings here… "Wavelength" is the word I use very often, too.
Just someone who'd accept your gushing about the thing you've recently found interesting, things like that.
Where have you been looking? It'd be very nice if sushi had a social zone, but I know they don't usually work out in the end.
Not that I expect anyone here to live anywhere remotely near me, too…
In any case, let's keep at it, holding on and hoping for miracles.
>>7368>Just someone who'd accept your gushing about the thing you've recently found interesting, things like that.
Exactly!>Where have you been looking?
Dating apps sadly, because I have no other way to actually meet people. I'm NEET right now, and my limited friend circle contains no women, just people with partners who I get embarrassingly jealous of. I feel like a bad person for judging so many people on such a shallow level, but it's what these apps encourage and it makes me kinda bitter and frustrated to have it laid out in front of me how little I relate to and get along with "normal" people. But I try not to let it get to me, I don't want to become the sort of person who "hates the normalfags" or whatever.> It'd be very nice if sushi had a social zone, but I know they don't usually work out in the end.
It's a nice idea, but you know what they say about there being no girls on the internet. I'm as in love with the idea of meeting my ideal fellow internet-weirdo partner online as anybody, but I don't think reality works like that for most people.>In any case, let's keep at it, holding on and hoping for miracles.
For sure. I haven't given up yet and I hope nobody else does either. Hang in there and all that.
Hm, found a decent image for the situation…>>7369
>and my limited friend circle contains no women, just people with partners who I get embarrassingly jealous of.
I know this one so much… My limited circle of friends stopped expanding, even though I'm not a NEET anymore. All the girls inside, if there are any, are already taken. Besides, it's not like I'd get with any of them anyways.
And yes, when you know your friend has a partner, who makes surviving the pandemic at least a little more manageable, you can get jealous. It happens to me a lot.
I try my best not to judge my friends (and even usually manage to, because I hold my friends in high regard), but seeing irresponsible, selfish couples without face masks on the streets makes me quite jaded.
Unfortunately, from what I've heard they drag people down even more, as getting no matches can be quite disheartening. Please, don't get it let you down. I'm sure you're a valuable person. It's the average kind of people that can't see the value in us here, and the badly designed dating apps that cash in on people's misfortune don't make things any better.
>there being no girls on the internet
I just wonder why they don't visit places like this one.
Well, they do, I've known at least several of them. But they usually only lurk… especially the worthwhile ones.
Honestly i've pretty much given up on 'dating' with apps or online and am focusing on finding friendship first for now like >>7328
said… both first in that i can't really imagine having/don't know how to approach a partner i didn't know and trust/didn't know me, and in that it's just more of a priority to me. I can live without love, not without friends and comrades. Of course both would be nice… I really feel what >>7363
said about age and wavelength, whether it's romantic or any other social situation
For me though, i'm not good at connecting to people online/through text… it's shared work or projects that I've really bonded with people over so far. I met one good friend through political work who really changed my experience of life. But actually going out and doing things is also in the field of things I need to get my shit together in>>7332>A man's a man. Any vulnerability shown is perceived as a weakness. That's why it's important to have this one person you can fully open yourself to…
I hope this was talking more about what other people might think? (if so, true but those people can fuck off). But while some people do look down on men who show feelings/vulnerabilities, it's still important to be able to do it… a person
is always weak in that sense even if they hide it, it's only people
together who can do better. And expecting a partner to do all the emotional support destroys relationships - men should be able to have intimacy with people they can trust outside of that, like anyone else can. Anyone who looks down on you for that, that's something we need to change culturally, and obviously it's only one problem. But if that's how you think yourself, i really think that it'll make things harder for you and people you care about
It's weird for me, because I do have some good friends, even though I'm not always around them. So I shouldn't even care about not having anyone even closer to me, but well, I do.
Political work? That's quite unexpected.
>A man's a man. Any vulnerability shown is perceived as a weakness. That's why it's important to have this one person you can fully open yourself to…>>I hope this was talking more about what other people might think?
Yes, it's the toxic way the society works. I've been, like many people, told not to show any shreds of weakness, because people will just use it. "Boys don't cry", stuff like that. The tears just don't flow now. I don't even tell people I'm not OK and keep up the mask like nothing's happened. It's draining.
A partner should _never_ be the emotional sponge for a person's problem, just support if anything.
That's why some people should have fix themselves before even trying to date.
A common theme of the past few comments in this thread is that it's difficult for us to actually meet people. A lot of us are shut ins / socially awkward and haven't had much luck with dating apps, not even taking into account the quarantine. The same is true for the kind of people we would be most compatible with. I can't think of a way around this, almost feels like we're destined to be alone, man of tastely aware of people 'out there' but never actually meeting them. Maybe something like discord servers or sites like this are good meeting grounds but I'm not sure. Either way, we have to put ourselves out there, if not to find someone, to at least signal to one another that we're present.
Loneliness in general has been a growing problem over the past few decades. This podcast episode is a good discussion on the topic for those interested.https://ashesashes.org/blog/episode-62-separate-ways
>>7384>man of tastely aware
meant to say merely aware, have no clue how I mistyped that.
It's a malformed wordfilter, it doesn't take into account if it's part of another word
Nice site/podcast, I didn't know someone lead a detailed analysis of the matter, even with sources and not much clutter.
Discord makes it hard to discover new servers. There might be Sushichan servers, but I'll never find out about them. I'm sure I'm not the only one with that problem…
Makes sense, people have a lot of social/physical needs and even good friendships probably don't meet all of them.
It's not necessarily what people think of, and it's partially luck that i happened to meet the rare person i could get on with really well, but having concrete work together definitely helps me get through not really knowing how to do the little surface level interactions, and i think there's a lot of value in belonging to something meaningful together as well (whatever it is, for some people it's as small scale as their relationship)
I'm sorry to hear it… it's really bad that people are like that. It really is exhausting to have to suppress emotions like that, and i don't know how many people have hurt themselves or others because of it. It's one reason I'm really glad places like this still exist>>7384
Speaking of, definitely true. Thanks for the link, i'm always looking out for neat podcasts
Got dumped not too long ago, still recovering but progress is clear
I don't have to keep up appearances here. The board's aim to be comfy, but it also leaves some space to be nostalgic, or even depressed. It's great.
Sometimes it's hard to vent even to friends, especially when you have they go through bad things as well. I'm free of judgement here, I don't have to pretend. I'm glad this place exists.>>7418
We're in the same boat. Sucks during the pandemic. Good luck to you, let's get out of that rut.
Yeah man it's specially hard to cope when you're not able to leave your house and distract yourself
Movies and such surely help, but still, awful timing
Maybe it's good, though, like, maybe this is the best way to get over it because you don't run away from the bad feelings, you can't, you gotta embrace them and understand why they're there, and that might be the best way to heal
Woops, meant to reply to >>7420
I'm already over myself, it's just loneliness getting to me.
I should sink in some long video game or anime series, but I somehow don't feel like it. I'm trying to make friends here and there instead…
I'm a 27 year old virgin that hasn't had a real life crush in almost a decade.
I'm the same age but I alternate between accepting my fate and getting naive hopes about people I meet. So far the latter attitude hasn't really brought me much aside from stress but I don't want to give up.
Did you expect it, or was it sudden? It sucks either way.
The symptoms are normal. Cry all you want, you'll probably need it.
Hang in there.
It might actually be better to be a crybaby. Always a good way to let the pressure flow away…
Not being able to cry is frustrating. Take your time, eat healthy, think about yourself. Maybe some self-introspection will help rebuild some of the self esteem back?
I guess I had one time I still can't forget her but I just think on her sometimes. She's from another state and I guess it's better like this because I will not fall in love and do dumb things.
Though it I don't even think in entering in relationships.
I don't know if it's a manifestation of trauma or closing myself off, but I haven't been infatuated, really infatuated with someone, in years.
Since my abusive relationship.
They say abusive relationships
imprint you in that way;
>Traumatic bonding occurs as the result of ongoing cycles of abuse in which the intermittent reinforcement of reward and punishment creates powerful emotional bonds that are resistant to change.
The strong rushes of emotions you get from abusive relationships, the constant loop of dopamine rushes, periodically losing something and getting it back, the arguments that I think even excited me deep down, but I feel bad because I don't feel genuinely passionate about anyone ever sense.
I can't tell if it's because I'm unconsciously looking for abuse as I associate it with "love", or I'm just really closed off now.
I have problems with dissociation too, maybe that's why.
I have a boyfriend that I genuinely love to death, but I don't feel passion or excitement. I love kissing him, but it's mere pecks on the lips and, half-hearted "love you's," and it's nice, but I don't feel the deep lusty urge to jump his bones, and never have. Is that normal…?
I used to go on dates with people, just to force myself, because I'd feel bad when people would show me a lot of affection, but I didn't return it. I realize it's wrong now; people deserve to have someone who is just as passionate as they are.
I just wish I could look at someone and feel that RUSH. I don't want to ever be fighting with someone all the time, I don't wanna hurt again, but I guess part of me craves excitement in favor of comfort, but I try to ignore it because I love my boyfriend, and know he's good for me. I would never cheat, but I do fantasize/daydream about a more exciting relationships, like with fictional characters and stuff.
Also, forgot to mention that I will turn 19 in this year and I never dated, I guess I'm fine with it until now.
I rarely had crushes on anyone, but I downloaded tiktok and there's so many beautiful people it's ridiculous.
Don't get fooled by angles and filters. It's fine to enjoy but don't think they are any realer than anime girls.
There's a lot of that for sure. But even ignoring looks, there's a lot of interesting personalities about. Not to mention that looking good on camera is an impressive skill in itself.
Hey me too
Except they already turned me down but still wanted to be friends. I don't know if they'll even reply or if this is even a good idea, but I've never even had a female friend before so if I can at least do that it would progress.
It's been a while, but did they respond?