/hell/ - internet death cult

Fuck me, I went to an institution with certain clubs and the place was closed when I went.
They told me it was just today the exception but fuck, tears fall from my face.
I want to stop being a recluse and start talking with people but IT JUST KEEPS HAPPENING FUCK
GOD WANTS ME TO DIE ALONE

>>3963
Just go again. Sometimes you got to fight fate a little

>>3961
i agree, i notice a lot of active threads are years old and it's not like there's a problem with that- but it'd be nice to have newer threads, yknow? i'm pretty happy i found this altchan and it sucks seeing it fairly inactive. but you can't complain about a dead board and not contribute to it, so i try to reply to threads that interest me.

I met some girl from a mutual friend
for the first time in my life where there's a mutual interest but I'm just not sure where to go with it
This is the normiest problem i've ever gone through, I cant stop thinking sometimes that I'm a spergy weirdo that can't be 100% true to myself around most of the people I hang out with IRL

>>3966
tread carefully
broken heart disease is being a friendly lady on me
i won't recover

I feel very burned out lately. My weekends pass by with me just laying on the couch. I don't feel like I have much energy in my to do the things I enjoy.

I feel like I'll never find someone for me
A group of people where I feel comfortable
Somewhere where I may be at peace.
I wish human beings were less loud and more easy going.

I'm not very good with people.
Why would someone (of the opposite sex) pretty much never notice your existence even though you've introduced yourselves to eachother, then out of nowhere look at you when passing eachother by without looking away when you look back, but without saying anything at all, no smile, no anything?
Just unflinchingly looking into your eyes until you've passed eachother?

I will never have a comfy girl to cuddle with, who will put her hand on my chest and hold me, or hug me, or kiss me. :(

So I was playing League yesterday like usual and we had this intentionally feeding toplaner who just ran down on any fight and missed pretty much all his skillshots and died. Repeatedly. This Malphite was running down the rift with a 2/19 score so I obviously spanned and talked shit about him, his family, his religious beliefs and so on and so forth. I sent a support ticket afterwards to report him, but not to my surprise I got the 14 day ban instead. I'm just looking at his match records right now and he lost 10 other ranked games since yesterday and finally made it into Iron I. I'm just frustrated that this piece of shit hasn't been banned or restricted in any form but I did because I was on a 10 game winning streak and they had the bright idea to assign him to my team and make me lose my mind.

I might have missed out on the chance to try to get to know a girl I was really hoping to get a chance to speak to last term, and I'm quite disappointed that I fucked up not taking the one obvious opportunity I had.
I'd try reaching out to her on facebook, but she doesn't seem to have one.

She's the cutest girl I've seen in forever.
Only thing I can think of is that I could send her a letter asking her out for coffee date, but I can't imagine that wouldn't be a complete no-no cause she'd find it stalker-ish or just spergy.
But then again, if I'm never seeing her again, what's the harm. But then again-again, she might still be in touch with people in my school, and rumors might spread.

Of course I could try to ask someone who might have known her if they have her number, but I'm worried that might seem obsessive too, being as that we've never actually had a real conversation even.

My trouble is obviously that I'm a worrywart with a crush who fucked up by not being quick enough to take initiative, and now I'm paying the price real bad.

>>4021
You'll meet other girls! Look forward to it and think on what you'll do differently. Asking someone for her number sounds ok, but better to ask them to pass your number to her and then forget about it.

>>4022
>You'll meet other girls
Well yeah. It's just that she's the only one in years that's been one of those that hits all of your buttons at once. A 99% butterflies in your stomach even at a distance, a possible 100% if she's also the way she seems intuitively.
Those don't come around that often, at least not for me. Which is also why it was so hard to approach her.

I'm trying to keep it under wraps, keep "when autism speaks" from turning into "when autism peaks" (I'm not diagnosed but it wouldn't surprise me).

I haven't seen a single girl that gets up to even 50% of her level ever since I first saw her. It's hard not to grab whatever small chance possible to just have a try to reach out, even if it might seem weird.

>>4021
I had a sort of similar situation with different feelings.

I went to community college but it's right by my (parents) house so I didn't live on campus or in housing with other students. State schools are a big deal around here, so I wasn't seeing anyone from high school either. Basically I was alone.

Anyway, I was taking an Earth science class, but there was a 1 hour gap between the end of my previous class and the start of this one, so I'd just hike from the previous classroom to the next one and then kill time in the hall until the classroom was open. So on the first day I walk in as soon as the last class leaves, and take a seat in the back like I always do. As other students arrive, I happen to notice two 'alternative' girls sit at the table in the front row. One I would describe as mild goth (black hair, plain dark clothes, black nails, but no makeup or accessories and a plain hairstyle). The other has a more flashy punk style (like Abby from NCIS, but with bright pink hair). So I figure I might actually have found two people I can relate to through musical taste if I can just talk to them. Of course I'm too Asperger to just walk up to them after class or whatever, so I decide that tomorrow I'm gonna sit in the 3rd seat at that front table (since I know when people are given a choice of where to sit in a classroom, they tend to go back to the same spot day after day).

But then shortly before class is supposed to start, this guy walks in and takes the 3rd seat at the front table, and I feel my heart sinking because I know he'll probably stay there for the rest of the semester just out of habit and I'll never speak to those girls. Miraculously, as the teacher is explaining how the course will be conducted, this guy hears that there will be an online component for turning in assignments (this was in 2010 or 11) and has a fit about how that wasn't mentioned when he signed up and storms out of the room. He never came back, so the next day I sat up front and ended working on several projects with those girls throughout the semester and feeling like I've actually made some friends for the first time since starting college.

But then the semester ends and I burger it up. My cell has only ever been a lifeline because I don't want to be constantly connected, so I keep it off most of the time (this is still the case, and why I don't have a smartphone) so I wouldn't offer up my number as contact info to anyone, I don't touch social media at all, and I rarely check my email (my yahoo was literally days from expiring due to inactivity when I logged in a few months ago). I also didn't think to ask them for any contact info.

So I let friendships drop because it's too hard for me to stay connected to people if I'm not around them face-to-face, and reaching out to reconnect is just too uncomfortable for me to even try it.

>>4025
Friendships can always pick up where they left off. I know it’s scary, but if you want to, please try to push yourself and reach out. Speaking from experience, it is worth it

I have no interests really. Even my pseudo interests, I have no interest in. I could drop my "interests" any day and not go back to them without any worries. The only interest I have is the beauty of nature itself. It captivates me. Too bad I'll never learn about it or care more than the beauty of it since I can't read books. I can't force myself to do anything, and that's not something I can change by doing it a little more every day. It's me. It's apart of me. Probably ADHD causes this or depression. I don't know and I can't be damned to learn. Also, I hate learning new things. School and ADHD screwed me up. I'm not a failure of a human being though, and I feel that. I know I have potential and the smarts to achieve my goals, but damn, I'm struggling, I guess. I always will struggle. For the rest of my life. No matter what.

I've done the ADHD drugs, but even then, I stopped taking them. I have no health insurance or job either. Can't settle for disability because I managed to get an actual career for a bit before getting fired. I don't blame myself too much for that actually. I honestly didn't like the people there. Glad to be out.

I'll get a new job and I'll succeed. Every year I become stronger and more fulfilled. Maybe one day I can earn enough to get some land and let it go to forest.

I just need to keep getting the support I have from my family.

>>4027
I know exactly how you feel. Good luck with everything.

is anyone else bad with change in their lives? i had a 7 month long distance relationship and was going to college the whole time. he broke up with me, didnt return for a second year so i start my new job this week, and there’s a guy ive been hooking up with. im supposed to be happy but something about it just depresses me.
i miss the comfy routine of college and talking to my bf. we didnt have a perfect relationship in retrospect, but sometimes you cant help but miss stuff like that.
ive been depressed since late july too and this has been my longest episode. i always bounce back after a few weeks and i just cant. i barely eat or sleep anymore and never get into my hobbies as much as i used to. i also feel disconnected from my friends/support system, i cant tell them stuff like this because i feel like they wont “get it.”
just feel like a shell of who i used to be and im patiently waiting to come back

Because I don't have a card like this and can't blame other people for my personal problems like conservatives can.

>>4038
??????

What kills me in the inside is that I'm gonna lose my v-card to some skank who has possibly been fucked by a bunch of other men, and not a girl who is a virgin
IT FUCKING PISSES ME OFF, I WANT TO SHARE THE MOMENT WITH SOMEONE IN THE SAME SITUATION AS ME BUT IT WONT FUCKING HAPPEN
IT'S NOT ABOUT SEX
ITS ABOUT LOVE
L O V E

>>4041
Why do you have this assumption?

Also, no woman worth her salt is going to want to sleep with a guy that calls other women “skank” on IBs.

Sounds like you have bigger issues than women having sex with other people before you.

>>4041
While you could probably phrase this in a nicer way I know how you feel. I'm sure it's not much comfort in the moment but if you're anything like me you'll stop caring as you get older. My standards regarding such silly things have fallen significantly (in a good way I think?). Not that it's helped me find anyone but at least I'm not so bitter.

>>4041
I get what you want to say, and generally you are correct, but also statistically you are less likely to get to know a woman that has a low partner count, simply because the personality traits that lead to that will also make her less available to people in general.
The girls you are meeting randomly will more likely be the kind that has high partner count, skewing your perception.
The distribution of the kind of women you are looking is not uniform within the places you might be searching, and that is how you can manage to find one against the odds.

>>4041
Ultimately love comes and goes, and peoples' situations change too. Even if you want someone who's always been committed to 'serious' relationships - if you find someone there's a 90% chance it won't last forever and then you'll still want to look for someone else afterwards. It's the same for them

kind of funny how people have suddenly started spamming all the less toxic imageboards with this on the surface self-pitying, in content misogynistic shit for the last few weeks though

Trying to replace the kitchen faucet, but the old one is secured by a half-inch thick steel nut that has rusted so badly I can't possibly get it unscrewed, so now I'm drilling it out, but it's half an inch thick despite only being a 9/16 nut, so it's hard to get the bit to bite and a long ways through, and doing all this over your head is a huge PitA aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh this is really frustrating

>>4048
just cut the pipe and install sharkbite :^P

>>4049
Hard to get a good pic, but the problem is the nut/bolt anchoring the fixture. I've pretty much committed on destructively removing it at this point.

I was born defective so I might have to kill myself.

I feel a bit sad about having to retort to dating apps

sushis, why is looking for love so hard.. i want someone to watch azumanga with. and sperg about my interests to..

>>4055
my best bet, we're looking for introverts, and due to the nature of introverts, they are not gonna be easy to find.
sadly that seems to be the case

I don't know how to tell my best friend that I love him without jeopardising our relationship. But also not doing anything is agony

Facism.

>>4055
In my experience, it's easiest to find love (online or offline) if you just try to make friends with people who you might be interested in being more with. Just starting as friends is a pretty risk free way of getting to learn if you really like someone for who they are. It helps a lot to have a wing (wo)man who can keep you grounded in reality and not do anything crazy and anime esque but also encourage you to actually do anything if you need that instead. They can probably also help you tell if the person likes you back. It'll still be scary making that confession but you should do it if you like the person. Remember, I love you is for couples just start with like. Once you're in a relationship don't get in over your head with crazy shit like marriage super soon, I've seen it happen all too often.

As for me, I've been dealing with DPDR coming back full swing. Been trying to crawl out of this shit but it's so hard. Luckily, my girlfriend is supportive of me through this stuff which is really needed, but I'm worried that her seeing me go through those full dissociative episodes so frequently is going to strain our relationship. She keeps insisting it's not hurting her that bad/that she doesn't matter when it comes to this and that annoys me and I don't want her to feel like she has to sacrifice herself for me. I figure only time can work through this issue but I'm hoping we get through it soon. This is more just a vent than anything, we've worked through worse. I'm open to advice, though, it's very welcome.

I have descended into a labyrinthine hellscape of health insurance and tax returns.

I miss my week long depressive states, but it's for the best that it's behind me. Now I just stare at the computer and become one with the background.

I'm sad, so I'm glad!

I lost a friend recently and it's extra painful because I've been friends with him for such a long time, only for it to end because of a series of stupid arguments.
I wish I could say that I'm okay now but I'm not. Sure I have distractions and bigger things to worry about but whenever I'm feeling mentally vulnerable I remember it and I feel like dying. I guess a part has to do with regret, that I could've done better but I didn't. I don't know my mind is in shambles today, maybe I'll feel better tomorrow.

There is a lot of time where I just don't do anything
I don't have the motivation to do anything
I dunno why, but it's weird, and it's sad. I just think and think about things but never do anything

>>3961
>Maybe the rest of us are just too shy? lol
This is my main problem. I don't just get an idea to create a real thread about something more than maybe once or twice a year. I have no trouble responding to other people in threads, but when the only new threads are shitposts, responding with anything other than a retaliatory shitpost just makes you a target for trolling.

We had to put down my 16 year old cat 2 weeks ago, and then a week later the rest of my family goes on a trip, but I don't have enough vacation time built up to go, even though there's nothing to do at work right now. So for the first time I'm completely alone in the house for an entire week. The thing is, I don't really feel anything. Have I really become so numb that I move on from my beloved pet's death so quickly?

This feels embarrassing but I would like to lay the whole thing out for once. I have wasted the last ten years talking to myself, for lack of a better term. It’s a bit more complicated than that, though.
I have a system of monthly writing files I call “TfT”, which is also what I call the type of writing in them. In these files, I mostly write out pretend imageboard posts while I have some image open that I pretend is the image I’d use to accompany the post if it were real. I started doing this in 2012 for posts that I wanted to write but didn’t want to post, then I started rewriting posts I had made, and eventually I started writing replies to imaginary threads. This first took off seriously in late 2013 and began to noticeably dominate my life in early 2015. It's not all imageboard posts, sometimes I interview myself or write emails that I will never send. The key element that makes TfT problematic is that as soon as I am finished, I will retype and retype the same thing over and over again in order to refine it. The fantasy is essentially that I'm typing a real mesage, so as long as I'm typing, the fantasy feels like reality.
More formally, in the document where I keep track of my attempts to quit, I define TfT as "any kind of writing where the purpose is to advance an argument, explain a topic, or describe my emotions/life to a group of people or in a situation believed to be real. It is characterised by repetitive writing and a repetitive choice of topics."
To give some numbers, the monthly average for these files is around 45,000 words and I’ve been doing it at roughly this pace for nine years, so somewhere between 4 and 5 million words in total. It’s useless writing in every sense of the word. I never edit and I never re-read it, and it’s all written in English, a language I only use for imageboards and speaking with foreigners. That I have written so much in a language I do not even like is my biggest regret.
I write about anything and everything in these files and I do almost nothing else. When I’ve finished writing a fake post, I retype it multiple times just in one day, and I’ll continue doing this week after week, month after month, year after year. Beloved subjects have become unbearable to me because I've written about them in TfT files day in and day out, never learning anything new, just reciting and reciting the same tired information, until the subject makes me sick and yet I still keep writing. I do nothing else. For example, I had plans to do problem sets for university and watch an episode or two of anime today, but I couldn't even stop writing for long enough to finish an epiode of anime. I dropped out of university and I am on the verge of doing so once again due to TfT.
TfT also includes replies, clarifications, etc. This is the sense in which it becomes a form of self-conversation. It’s like there’s another spirit trapped in the file, always asking me exactly the right follow-up questions and always asking for explanations in exactly the right topics.

>>4126
Pic related is what my setup normally looks like, with an earlier draft of my post, in case my verbal description was confusing.
I have been trying to quit for the past seven years but it has proven very difficult for several reasons. First, TfT writing is so deeply intertwined with my thinking process now that the act of thinking triggers my desire to write, as does any kind of reading or interaction with another person. Second, TfT writing is also intertwined now with any kind of art, because my reaction to art is no longer “this looks nice” but “this will make a good TfT picture”. Anime in particular is a problem here. Third, there is no clear demarcation between TfT and normal writing. For example, while it may be difficult to quit smoking, there is no confusion over what you need to stop doing. Any time I am writing on my computer, however, I can slip into TfT. I can be writing an email to someone and end up on a tangent that I know I won’t include in the final draft: this is TfT. I can be writing an essay and then start "preparing" for counter-arguments outside of the actual essay: this is also TfT. I’ve found myself “quitting” for weeks only to find that my latest writing project is just TfT under a different guise. Fourth, the relapse with TfT is more intense than any other bad habit I've tried to stop. I’ll try to completely abstain for a week, cave after a few days, and then lose myself writing TfT for a month afterwards, destroying my schedule and also my wrists. Naturally, I have constant wrist pain, I had to give up playing piano, and while I haven’t had anything serious develop like carpal tunnel syndrome, it’s only a matter of time. The pain goes away almost instantly when I stop using my computer, but even with that as motivation it’s difficult to quit.
My attempts to solve the underlying problem have not been successful. I started TfT as a way to deal with being a chronic lurker, but I post almost every day now and it has no impact on this addiction. I’ve blocked imageboards for over a year multiple times in the hopes of running out of things to write about, but I just write more feverishly about fewer and fewer topics instead. I thought that I wrote TfT because I didn’t have friends, so I made friends, but that made things worse, because there are times where you have to cut a line of discussion off out of etiquette, so I just write what I would really have liked to say in the TfT files. Reducing my computer usage is an obvious measure and something I would like to do, although I have been struggling, but this is not really a solution if I start TfT writing every time I sit in front of a computer, as computers are unfortunately unavoidable.
It feels like my life came to a screeching halt when I was 19 and started doing this. Even though I guess I know more now than then, there’s a lack of purpose in anything that goes into TfT.

I am not sure where to go from here. I think my next approach will be to stop typing on my computer unless I'm transcribing something written by hand. Anway, I'm sorry for the long post. TfT has unfortunately also ruined my ability to be concise, but I have never posted about this before in such detail and I wondered if it would help me any.

>>4127
10/10 eccentric post

Although you are an extreme case, I can understand you because I constantly revise and edit what I write, too. It takes me an hour to write an email which doesn't say anything particularly important because I am always seeking a better phrase, restructuring sentences, adding detail. Don't forget that, even though you want to kick this habit, you've likely developed remarkable skills in writing English which could be useful.

Your plan to use your computer less is a good one. I think that spending less time on the computer is, generally, a way to improve life. You could try to fill your days with more irl activities and then keep a paper diary to record them and satisfy the writing itch.

And what does "TfT" actually stand for?

>>4128
Thank you, very sound advice. I feel like I know what I need to do; it's just difficult to put into practice, but I will persevere.

>And what does "TfT" actually stand for?
Technically it's short for "Thoughts for Thursday" but it's got nothing to do with Thursdays so it's really just a nonsense name. The files used to have different names but when I standardised it into a monthly system in 2014 I chose "TfT" for reasons I no longer remember.

>>4133
>I feel like I know what I need to do; it's just difficult to put into practice, but I will persevere.
In this position, the only advice is JUST DOOO IT. You can start being a better human any time. Ganbatte, sushi.

There is not a single day I don't idealize suicide

I'm really tired. Time doesn't stop, friends move forward with their lives and I'm still stuck in the same place.
It's been years and I'm still the same. Nothing has changed and at this point I don't know if I should bother

>>4290
That sucks :(

I have schizophrenia. And I'm so tired of being treated like an animal for it.

My closest friends will intentionally antagonize me and bait me into pointless arguments, telling me that I'm just a crazy schizo while they all laugh at me. Even my immediate family does this. My coworkers role me up because they think it's funny. Every time I try to make a legitimate point shout something or have a real meaningful conversation with another person, they pass me off as just a schizo. I'm not a person anymore. I'm a goddamn zoo attraction.

And that's just the social consequences. Having schizophrenia is a nightmare in its own right. I can't sleep at night because I hear people scratching on my door, even when I do sleep I am tormented by nightmares. My perception of reality is so distorted that I genuinely feel as though I can't communicate with people like a real human. I need therapy so bad, but no doctors in my area are available. So I simply suffer, and my brain continues to rot away.

I need to decide when I've reached the point of no return so that I can kill myself while I'm still sapient enough to do so. But it's playing with the prisoner's dilemma with my own life, which could never be easy.