I don't know of any good way to filter ground-up fansubs vs. stream rips, but if you browse bittorrent trackers you'll get a feel for who's uploading stream rips & reencodes pretty quickly because they upload a lot compared to people doing original translations. And if you find a fansubber you like, you can search for more stuff they've done by the group name. Nyaa is probably the biggest anime tracker and generally a good source for recentish stuff, unfortunately a lot of old stuff was lost when the old site went down. Bakabt tracker has a good archive of old stuff, but you can't just create an account there anymore, I think you have to go request one on IRC or something. There's probably some other active or semi-active trackers around that I'm not familiar with too.
You just made my day sushi, thank you for that.
I'm really dumb and I wish I wasn't. Trying to learn things makes me supremely frustrated and this causes me to give up or fail. I feel like I'm doomed to a life of useless mediocrity while everyone around me hones their talents and passions. And at this point by the time I get to be halfway as good as a normal person I'll be in my 40s or 50s. I wish I could just die. Maybe I need to finally try medication.
I keep trying to recapture feelings or experiences that I had when I was younger, but as you can probably expect it never works out. There are certain games I’ve tried to go back to that I played years ago, but they feel so hollow now. There are so many things I’ll never be able to experience again.
It hurt to read that, because I am experiencing that too. The curiosity is long gone and with it the fun and the motivation too. A lot of things feel samey, overall I feel jaded, tired and most of all nostalgic about the past, where it wasn't like that. Desperately I cling to the stuff that brought me all the positive feelings and experiences, but most of the time it doesn't work, I just do it out of habit. I honestly don't know what to do, I have no motivation, no creativity, no interests, I simply browse multiple imageboards, sleep, work out, play vidya, watch anime, read, cook and work, day in day out.
Several times I have read that there is new input necessary, a new hobby, to meet new people, best case even both. Not only do I have no idea how this should be possible, it is also quite difficult when more than a decade of Internet fucked you up to the point that all the things going on in real life don't bother you at all anymore.
Being unable to post on the internet is truly the worst form of suffering
If a doctor said that or anything like that to you, they're not a very professional doctor and I would get a second opinion on that ground alone. At the same time, if it's a concern, I think you should definitely get checked out and if it turns out that it's just anxiety, wouldn't that be a good thing?
I feel like it's groundhog day where I'm just clocking into work, forcing myself to eat, forcing myself to sleep and then waking up to do it all over again. I can't help but feel like there's more to life but I don't know how to escape the cycle and I have no direction in life, so I have no idea where to start.
I earn just enough to life modestly so grand dreams of moving abroad or giving up my job to start a small business (as social media keeps insisting will bring meaning to my life) are totally out of the question because I've no savings to fall back onto. I don't enjoy anything so I'm not sure what to do in my free time.
I'm so used to following instructions and I just want someone to say "here, do this for the rest of your life" and I would. Everyone I turn to, hoping they'll give me that direction, says "idk just do what you enjoy!" instead and it just hurts me even more because I wish I had goals and dreams and fun little hobbies like they do. So fucking much. I have nothing. Nothing brings me joy. I just want to grow old and die ASAP so I can end this hellish cycle.
I'm talking to a therapist (that I can barely afford) but I don't think it's helping.
Nice palindrome numbers sushi!
I'm constantly telling myself to do things. Its exhausting. I'll monofocus on my pursuits for months neglecting other things I need to do, then collapse into sickness and depression.
I'm trying to learn to incorporate relaxation and comfyness into my life, but its difficult, I really like obsessing but it isn't healthy.
If I could tell you what to do for the rest of your life I would say categorize things you find comfy. Maybe write about them to help others.
But I suspect that advice won't help you any more than it does me.
Good luck though sushi. Someday the whole world will be a comfy place to be.
Not the same guy you're replying to but
I tend to do the same. I single-focus on one thing that I believe will have some sort of benefit to me (though usually not economic), and so I do "categorize" them into a handful groups that I want to be good at.
I couldn't just pick one because then I get overwhelmed by precisely monofocusing on just one thing for a long period.
But when I do focus on one thing out of 3 or 4 main threads, I tend to feel like I have to do it MOAR, always MOAR! And then comes the conflict because my other interests demand some allocation of resources but the other one is taking preeminence and I feel that if I slow down the pace then it'll stall and I'll end up falling behind, and even forgetting all about it in pursue of less fruitful endeavours.
My head hurts.
Haha, it sometimes feels like I'm the arbiter trying to manage relations between a bunch of different motivations inside myself.
Order! There will be order in the court!
But theres never order, just motivations sneakily getting control of my focus and then other motivations getting in uproar and calling it unfair and imprudent!
I don't understand myself.
Putting this in spoilers because it makes my stomach turn, and I don’t want it slathered over kaitensushi. Okay, here we go. I’m looking for some insight…
My girlfriend messaged me today saying that she and her online friend were talking and that she wondered if I liked to be hurt, and if asked, if I would hurt someone else. The implication being that she would ask me to hurt her. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. I told her no I wouldn’t, but I wasn’t able to get her to clarify what context that would even happen in. I can’t see myself ever being able to inflict pain on someone else on purpose, even if asked. She has a history of self harm and it scared me shitless when I saw the messages initially, but she promised me she was okay. I believe her because her friend’s good and would be alarmed if something was up. Anyway, now I’m just a bit disconnected and sad. Has anyone experienced something like this before?? Or asked a question like this?? I’m trying and failing to understand where she’s coming from.
it sounds like she just talking about kinky stuff
How the fuck did that never occur to me
Honestly as someone coming from that world you’d be amazed at the kind of stuff that flies over peoples heads. It’s not your fault, if it’s just not something your generally cognizant of then you don’t really have any reason for it to come up in your head. But I agree it sounds like she wants to try out some S/m.
I'm the same, but the worst part is I'm not even a shut in and haven't been for several years. I used to think it just wasn't in my destiny and I had to make peace with that, but now it's like, am I really so detestable? It's hard not to become bitter.
I know how this feels and it is very hard to keep your sanity with those given circumstances.
Still I can assure you that you will encounter a lot of new problems when you actually get a career going and/or a relationship. I can also assure you that a career and/or a relationship does not fix your problems. At last I can say that you do have something to offer, sushi, namely yourself. If you want to be desired, then make yourself desirable, but don't start lying about things, forcing yourself to things that harm you or even let yourself be exploited.
One thing I can also add is to make sure that if it happens, then it should be with a person you actually care about, else you only create a new misery with exposing yourself to an empty and meaningless act that has nothing to do with love. There is a difference between making love and fucking.
I probably got brain problems, but more or less came to peace with it at this point. While the idea of having a relationship seems kind of appealing on the surface, it also gives me anxiety. I'm awfully ingrained in my ways and don't know if I could even adapt to sharing a life with another person.
It's sad seeing all my friends drift away though, they get more normal every year while I'm still the same. I've completely lost contact with the married ones at this point, just have a few who are in less committed relationships. But even then, they don't follow weeb stuff more than superficially anymore so we don't have near the same depth of conversations that we used to.
>>3705>I probably have nothing to offer anyone else
That's not true, everybody has a little something that at least someone might appreciate. It's just hard to know what that might be from the inside perspective, since you've lived with yourself all your life, it all might look dull and old to you. And people can't appreciate things they never get to know about if you never share or open up.
I for one appreciate that you're this honest and willing to share your feelings. It requires strength.>it still hurts to feel that because I don't think I can do anything about it
I'd recommend taking some extra care about yourself now and then, even when you're alone you do have a partner, yourself, if you make sure you have your own back.
Something that feels like a treat, whatever that is to you.
And maybe keep in mind, simply getting laid or landing a relationship doesnt guarantee anything about your future. I've had 3 relationships, but I've still been single and celibate for 5+ years at this point (which is longer than I was sexually active, which might make me a liche rather than a wizard
). The memories of what has been does not make me feel any less lonely, I'm still a bit sad I have nobody to hug for as long and with as much warmth as I'd like to.
The largest difference between the you before and the you after losing your virginity is realizing how little it actually changed, regardless of how amazing and wonderful it can be with someone you love.>>3706>am I really so detestable?
That's not the way it works sushi (no condescension intended).
I'm not even sure of the way it does work myself really, love just kind of happens. But I think that if you spend some moments looking back, you don't really judge all the people you don't get feelings for as trash, do you? They just don't resonate in your heart, there's nothing wrong with them.
And there's not really anything special about the people you do catch feelings for, they just feel special to you. Someone else might not even look at them twice, not think of them as worthwhile whatsoever. The eye of the beholder and all that.
It's pretty much just a matter of trying to give as many people as you can an honest chance. If you never meet anyone new, how could you meet that person that might find your recurring company delightful? While also keeping in mind the very accurate points of >>3707>>3748
It's okay to feel that way sushi, I hope you don't go ahead with it though.
Death is the only thing that is for sure in life, and if you end it you're making 100% sure that the last segment of your life was a dark joyless void. You're making sure it never got better. If you wait for death until it comes for you on its own schedule, you're giving life all the opportunities it had to show you something that maybe made it worth it to go on this void walk. And you lose nothing, since the destination is the same anyway.
I kinda agree on that we're swimming to nowhere, most of us either never made the connection, forget about it, or try to think about it as little as possible.
But it is possible to stay unignorant of the destination and still find some glimmer in the waves at times, and being aware of it grants you possibilities of ways of swimming unavailable to those who only ever think of what's just up ahead and get surprised when finally that just up ahead is the one we knew about all along.
>>3707>I can also assure you that a career and/or a relationship does not fix your problems.>If you want to be desired, then make yourself desirable
I know this. It's very clear to me that my loneliness is a result of my being a horribly broken person and not the other way around. But I've been trying to fix my problems for my whole life and it seems like they'll never go away, at least not to a degree where anyone would want to be close to me. The depths of the damage I've done to myself feel irreversible. (the most incel-ey thing I will say here is that it feels like there is a VERY cruel and unfair difference between how "broken" or mentally ill men are treated in terms of relationships). I am almost 30 years old. Do I really deserve the pain of dying alone and seeing all my friends disappear because I can't make myself normal enough?>>3749>That's not true, everybody has a little something that at least someone might appreciate.
Thank you for the kind words, but "appreciate" does not equal "want to enter into a relationship with". I, like everyone else, like to think I'm a good person, and maybe I'm even fun to be around sometimes, but that doesn't really matter. The fact of the matter is that I'm an ugly, mentally ill virgin nearing his 30's. I have no stable job, higher education, or career path. I cry on a near-daily basis, and all my hobbies are weird and none of them are constructive or impressive. I have no self-confidence and I'm borderline terrified of the opposite sex. No sane woman is going to want anything to do with me. Even on the off chance I met someone who was into ugly weeaboos who spend too much time on the internet, why on earth would anyone choose me over all the other ones who are much better off than me mentally, financially, and physically? It's just the way the world works that people like me are going to be lonely and unloved.
>people can't appreciate things they never get to know about if you never share or open up.
Every interaction I've had with women my age has been profoundly negative, and it feels like each one makes it harder for me to "open up". I've dealt with everything from being politely ghosted or friendzoned or turned down, to being mocked for being a virgin and called an incel/loser/etc. On one occasion it was explicitly said to me that my being a virgin was a "problem".
>even when you're alone you do have a partner, yourself, if you make sure you have your own back.
I am not good company for me. As you can probably tell, I hate myself.
>And maybe keep in mind, simply getting laid or landing a relationship doesnt guarantee anything about your future.
It's not about getting laid, it's about not wanting to rot away for the rest of my life alone in my shitty apartment with nothing to live for and nobody to love me, watching more and more of my friends distance themselves from me as they succeed where I fail. Maybe these things wouldn't be a guarantee, but they'd at least be an indicator that things won't continue like this forever. As it stands, when I look to my future, all I can see is things getting worse until I've finally had enough of life.
>>3750>"appreciate" does not equal "want to enter into a relationship with"
That is true. But it's also true that it often starts that way. Lots of small things you appreciate about someone and at some point you start thinking it wouldnt be so bad to spend lots more time with this person, and you spot more things you appreciate, and so on.>maybe I'm even fun to be around sometimes, but that doesn't really matter
It does sushi. Not everyone are superficial and judging, and people in general do react more to the way you carry yourself rather than your actual appearance. It's just that being (in regards to norms) "ugly" or of a larger build most of the time coincides with a trashy self view and then you also act like you aren't worth much, and people pick up on that whether consciously or not. It affects how you talk, it affects your posture, lots of things. If you go about your day truly believing in that "No sane woman is going to want anything to do with me", then are you going to act like that's a possibility and give it a chance to actually flirt with someone?>ugly, mentally ill virgin nearing his 30's, no stable job, higher education, or career path
All of those can change, it will take hard work, but it's possible.
I'm a NEET (something like 10 years in void world) in recovery myself, also nearing my 30s, guess ours where the chan generation. I've just had a bit more luck in that I've met some kind and understanding ladyfriends, one of whom was a NEET too. It's really hard to get out in society again, and I've made both myself and others uncomfortable while trying to work out my behaviors, but then I can brew up my own patches/emotional-vaccines and do better struggling on.
If I simply shut down like I always did before, I will always be broken and unable. And as long as you apologize and own up to your mistakes, people don't seem to give up on you.
And tastes differ, what you call ugly may just be neutral to someone else, not anything that would be in the way as long as you treat them in a way that makes them feel appreciated and loved.
I have a small thing for larger women of some shapes, while if they believed in whatever society has taught them they might not feel as if they're ever going to be wanted for what they are, even though to me they are just as beautiful as someone on the slimmer side.>the off chance I met someone who was into ugly weeaboos
The only person I have to talk to about anime/manga stuff is actually a super pretty girl. Lots of pretty ladies have weird interests, it took me more than a year to find out another girl I was talking to was into woodworking, simply because it just never came up in conversation, and it's not like I'd ask if she were. Girls are people too, they're not just some beautiful surface.>why on earth would anyone choose me over all the other ones who are much better off than me mentally, financially, and physically?
Because they like you and care about you, and spending time together in itself is enough. There's no need to go to expensive events or buy platters of shots at bars, in the end we're just people in rooms spending time together. Maybe some girl out there would be overjoyed to get to explore some of those same weird and allegedly nonconstructive hobbies with you, who knows.>Every interaction I've had with women my age has been profoundly negative, and it feels like each one makes it harder for me to "open up"
That sucks, I'm sorry to hear that, and it's understandable to start to close up when you have to live through such times.
It helps to try to enforce a view of it being just individuals, because once you start thinking of it as being something that is inherent of whatever group they are part of (race, sex, political affiliation, whatever) it turns toxic, and it'll taint your future interactions.>It's not about getting laid, it's about not wanting to rot away for the rest of my life alone in my shitty apartment with nothing to live for and nobody to love me
I believe in you sushi. Even if you get bad RNG with the people you meet, at least I believe you can get to somewhere where you can feel that you're okay as you are.
If I may give a small recommendation, it would be to try out keeping an intent of only friendly relations with the next few girls you meet, even if lust and feelings start to bubble up to just notice it and let it be without trying too hard to push it away. Just talk and get to know them without fishing for more. Once you have / you've had a female friend in your age-group you feel a good close connection with, women aren't so scary anymore. They're just people.
Thanks. Your words mean a lot. I guess I'm letting my past experiences cloud my judgement. It's hard not to. I feel like I should take a break from the internet because even on this site things like this /lounge/ post >>13414 and the normalfag bingo where everyone is better off than me are making me take psychic damage. Makes me feel like the universe is laughing in my face at my situation. (to be clear, I don't think there's a problem with either of those things being here. The last thing I want to do is police an imageboard based on my retarded fragile emotions)
And that's not even getting started on the things you can read about off this website. If you're sensitive enough to it like I am it really does seem like the internet is full of statements that boil down to "if you are X, Y, or Z, you deserve to be miserable". Between that and my past experience with the opposite sex, I think I end up projecting those opinionated roles onto real people when I meet them and it makes me withdraw. Especially if they're girls, but it happens with everyone truly. I don't make friends easily.
As you can probably guess I find a lot of what you're saying hard to believe even though I know logically you likely know better than I do. Things like>Maybe some girl out there would be overjoyed to get to explore some of those same weird and allegedly nonconstructive hobbies with you, who knows.
Just sound laughable to me.
>people in general do react more to the way you carry yourself rather than your actual appearance.
Ah, I guess this is that mythical "self confidence" I keep hearing about. The key to not being lonely. tbh there's a part of me that finds this kind of statement more damning than anything else because while I know for a fact it's possible to take better care of myself and lose some weight, I don't understand how someone is supposed to cultivate self confidence. I suppose it will come with achieving other goals of mine, or at least I hope it will. It seems cruel that it's the case that people with no self-confidence are predetermined towards loneliness but I guess that's reality huh. I once got pushed into asking a girl I had never met before out just to try and help me get some confidence, but all it did was deeply upset me when she was obviously creeped out, then I cried about it for weeks.
>It helps to try to enforce a view of it being just individuals>Girls are people too
Still pretty sure they're aliens tbh, I'm not convinced quite yet lol
>If I may give a small recommendation, it would be to try out keeping an intent of only friendly relations with the next few girls you meet, even if lust and feelings start to bubble up to just notice it and let it be without trying too hard to push it away. Just talk and get to know them without fishing for more. Once you have / you've had a female friend in your age-group you feel a good close connection with, women aren't so scary anymore. They're just people.
I will keep this in mind, thank you. Many of my bad interactions with women came from attempts at dating. I'm scared that I won't be able to control my loneliness though. A few years ago I got "friendzoned" in a very considerate manner, but I drifted away from her because I liked her too much and the idea of subjecting myself to that kind of longing scared me away. I regret it immensely, because I know I should have stayed around and tried to conquer my fear of girls and maybe I could have even met some more of her friends etc. I kick myself about that to this day.
The biggest problem I have I guess is that I don't know where to begin to interact with other people similar to me IRL. The internet is all I know.
Part 1 (lol dang, first time I gotta split up a post, board complained about "body too long")>>3770>the normalfag bingo where everyone is better off than me
It can be deceptive though, since it's just dots on a matrix, there's very little context.
Like the house party thing, very different to be one of the people partying it up and talking to everybody and to be the one sitting alone nursing a drink/beer that you sip too a bit too frequently cause you can't do smalltalk. Maybe giving some attention to the household pet if there's one around cause that's the only other existence in the room you can vibe with. An IRL lurker if you will.
And if you're a former shut-in who haven't moved out yet with that still being far away economically, it kinda makes sense that you'd never be alone during birthdays/holidays since you've no choice but to spend it with family.
>The biggest problem I have I guess is that I don't know where to begin to interact with other people similar to me IRL. The internet is all I know.
That's the hard one. Also why I took so long to reply this time.
I can trace back pretty much all of my contacts to getting to know just one single dude that gave me a chance even though I was pretty much socially crippled, lots of patience and time before I started to peek out of my shell.
The only thing I can think of is to try to learn some kind of board game that has spaces to play actual physical games with people, like chess or equivalent. Seems like a place you could just keep to yourself and get comfortable while still interacting through the game itself. Other than as written more in depth below, maybe try to reach out to that girl.
Dunno about your situation or location, but my re-entry into the orbit of society is through a study-prep course, for people who haven't studied for a long time. Many of my classmates are different kinds of NEETs, or just social misfits of differing kinds. First time ever I've felt at ease in a school environment. Might exist similar things where you are, or maybe something aimed at people with social anxiety. Whether it's studies or work-training.
>I feel like I should take a break from the internet
It's good to trust gut feel. Easier to look at things with fresh eyes after a break, let old habits settle a bit. Gut feel often knows what's best.
>more damning than anything else because .. I don't understand how someone is supposed to cultivate self confidence
A start could be to try to unravel the self dislike and horrible things you say to/about yourself that you never would to/about anyone else.
Even just a lack of negative self confidence is enough really, to make a huge difference in your social behavior and how people treat you. And once at that point it might sort itself out, just on account of you noticing what people appreciate about you. When you stop looking down into the ground you notice things that were there all along.
If you start to work on the positive before mending the broken stuff beneath it'll be likely to collapse, or take enough effort to keep up that you may become slightly unhinged and full of yourself instead, too synthetically puffed up, which also keeps healthy minded chill people away.
>got pushed into asking out a stranger just to try and help me get some confidence, was deeply upset me, then I cried about it for weeks
Again, gotta trust that gut. Asking people out at random when your gut is screaming no is just practice to go against your intuition, IMO.
Also can relate, prolonged my NEEThood by quite a bunch because of something similar, only it was me that pushed myself into it. During a short attempt at societal reinsertion, asked a girl out with a note (didn't help that it was super awkardly written) rather than actually trying to talk to her even once. Quite a while of internal screaming every time I remembered. Actually the first time remembering it without beating myself up about it, writing this post.
It helps to keep in mind that you'll be the one thinking about it for way longer, it probably wasn't that big of a deal in her life, people have likely treated her way worse.
And in the end it also means you're an okay and caring person, you felt that it was wrong. She wasn't just a test or an exercise to you. Imagine if you didn't feel anything about it, and how your life could have turned out then, and how many people you could've hurt. Lots of cold uncaring people out there. In comparison, crying is the best. You're one of the good ones, you just made a mistake.
>I'm scared that I won't be able to control my loneliness though
Being scared is okay. Would probably have been more weird if you weren't. All you can do is try your best, and that's enough.
It's mostly the worst at the beginning, once the actual friendship starts to bloom you get back more than you lose, and it turns into a net positive. And the initial entrypoint perspective matters a lot, it's so much harder when you actively hope for something back instead of just going with the flow.
>got "friendzoned" in a very considerate manner, but I drifted away from her, regret it immensely
Have you considered reaching out again?
Oftentimes people are just happy that you still remember them if you do. Worst case scenario things simply are like they already were, as long as you can deal with the blow if she's not interested in picking up where you left off.
Something I've been thinking of too, in some ways you are way stronger than me, which might sound weird to you. I just turned into a moving corpse in my NEET life, I couldnt cry or feel anything, because it would be too heavy. I'm honestly impressed you can face all those emotions and feel it all without disconnecting completely long term. I've been doing a lot of crying writing these posts, both for you and for myself, because I never got to feel those emotions then. It has helped me a bunch too, that you dared to open up, this is not something one-sided.
Even if we're just internet strangers, I do care about you, and I will be keeping my fingers crossed you see better times. I can't give you a real hug, but you can give yourself one from me sometime.
>>3781>It can be deceptive though, since it's just dots on a matrix, there's very little context.
You're right of course, but I'm still in the minority regardless, in terms of the relationship experience stuff.
>try to learn some kind of board game
I used to play MtG, but I never made any friends through it. Certainly it wasn't a good way to meet girls lmao. You mention studying which is something I have hopes for. I'm pretty old for it at this point and have never gone, but I still want to go to college at some point. I wonder if the desire isn't misplaced though because to be honest I don't think I'm smart enough to learn anything and I mostly just have stupid pipe dreams about it helping my socialization and job prospects.
>A start could be to try to unravel the self dislike and horrible things you say to/about yourself that you never would to/about anyone else.
Yeah I know it. I have trouble doing this without "evidence" for it though which sounds like the most autistic thing in the world but like, if I'm gonna tell myself I'm not a gross creep then I need a reason to think that I'm not, and I really don't have any. The improvement to my self-image has to come after the improvements to myself, I think. I just keep fucking up on those improvements lol.
>Imagine if you didn't feel anything about it, and how your life could have turned out then, and how many people you could've hurt. Lots of cold uncaring people out there. In comparison, crying is the best. You're one of the good ones, you just made a mistake.
I really can't agree. You say I'm one of the "good ones" but I'm the one being hurt by something that should be normal and no big deal. It would seem to me that caring less about what other people think yields better results. There of course has to be a balance, it's bad to have zero empathy or connection to your emotions, but even then people will want to be around someone who is too stoic FAR more so than they'll want to be around someone who is too emotional. I genuinely think that people don't like people who are too sensitive/empathetic. I might be wrong as heck but my anecdotal experience is this.
>It's mostly the worst at the beginning, once the actual friendship starts to bloom you get back more than you lose, and it turns into a net positive. And the initial entrypoint perspective matters a lot, it's so much harder when you actively hope for something back instead of just going with the flow.
I will try to keep this in mind next time I have the opportunity to make a friend, thank you.
>Have you considered reaching out again?
Well for starters it was nearly 2 years ago that that I last talked to her. I have thought about it though. I really think it would just come off as me being a pest/orbiter. If I wanted to be "just friends" with her then why did I cut things off in the first place? Obviously I had reasons for doing so, but she doesn't know that, and to her it probably just looks like I don't see any value in her if she doesn't want to date me. I know if I was in her shoes I would view it as suspicious.
>in some ways you are way stronger than me, which might sound weird to you.
It certainly does! I'm the one who's basically on the verge of becoming some kind of walking stereotype of an angry imageboard incel lol. In terms of how you cope with emotional struggle I don't think "shutting down" is any better or worse than having the kind of violently depressive episodes that I do. It just comes down to how your brain is wired or something if I had to guess.
>It has helped me a bunch too, that you dared to open up, this is not something one-sided.
Even if we're just internet strangers, I do care about you, and I will be keeping my fingers crossed you see better times.
Aww thanks. It means a lot to me, too, that I'm not just venting impotently at someone who is only responding out of pity or boredom. I'll certainly give myself that hug.
i super broke over a relationship that ended a long time ago. shes really happy with her new bf now
>>3782>The improvement to my self-image has to come after the improvements to myself, I think. I just keep fucking up on those improvements lol.
Lol, can I ever relate to that.
I like the keeping of a journal tho, helps me see progress and not get too caught up on fails and backsliding.
Also I've been reading this series which is nice:https://mindingourway.com/guilt/
>>3782>used to play MtG, but I never made any friends through it
But maybe you felt more at ease around people at least?
Small steps are important too. Easy to get caught up in the end goal and not see the small victories.
A "today I didn't feel as anxious as before" is worth to celebrate in itself IMO.>pretty old for it at this point, but I still want to go to college
You can always get older, and more full of regret that you didn't. A friends dad is getting back into school actually, and he's like, I dunno, at least 50. He's gotta really be in for that "hello fellow kids" mood.>don't think I'm smart enough, mostly just have stupid pipe dreams about it helping my socialization and job prospects
If you have something you want to study, you could always get a book on the subject and see for yourself, before you decide that you're not capable. Don't assume, especially since you're aware you have a bad self view.>have trouble doing this without "evidence" for it which sounds like the most autistic thing in the world
I have body dysmorphia, which caused anorexia in my teens. Even when I got to the edge of being medically underweight all I could see was still just a fat ugly void creature.
What has helped me the most is focusing in on how you feel inside of the body rather than what you see in the mirror (I avoid looking too much since I can't know what I really look like anyway, have stopped listening to the self-abuse long enough that it has learnt that it's wasted effort to speak). Like just the actual sensations of being alive. Exercise in general helps, body feels better, you feel stronger and healthier. Improves that mind/body connection, less of a vague floating awareness. Looks are always up to the beholder anyway, as I've mentioned in earlier posts. You will always notice more flaws than anyone else, since you inspect yourself the most.>by something that should be normal and no big deal
I dunno man. Isn't it kinda strange to ask someone to meet up just because they have a decent body? Completely detached from whatever kind of actual person they may be. It's more natural if you've actually met, or are meeting at some kind of event, and you feel a connection, and then you ask to meet them again sometime but alone.>I genuinely think that people don't like people who are too sensitive/empathetic
It may depend on the way you let it outside, if you're comfortable or not.
For the most part in my experience people appreciate someone who actually cares rather than being in that modern give-no-fucks detached mentality. As an example, all of my teachers really seem to appreciate that I actually treat them like people instead of something almost part of the school building.>nearly 2 years ago last talked to her, would just come off as me being a pest/orbiter.
Only if you ask more than once, or respond weirdly to a no.
And why not just tell it like it is? That you didn't think you could handle just being a friend at the time, but you've gotten to thinking otherwise and you're regretting that you didn't give it a chance to get to know her better. Some wording that feels true to you. A little honesty goes a long way.>I'm the one who's basically on the verge of becoming some kind of walking stereotype of an angry imageboard incel lol
It's just the cards we're dealt, and people tend to only care about themselves. Distance themselves rather than try to help someone very apparently going bad ways. Would take some kind of superhuman to know how to solve doing everything wrong and nobody ever giving you tips rather than mistreating you.
It's why it's good why we sensitive folk are around, even if we're inclined to suffer more sometimes.
I'm starting to lose hope I might become human (as in, capable of keeping a roster of relationships and getting to experience warmth) again, not that I ever really was, but I did become hopeful.
It'd be way easier to just focus on interfacing with nonhuman mechanisms again.
I might have been put in a situation where people think I am something I am not, because they tend to simply assume their speculations are true without giving it any second thought, and I may already have been mistreated because of it, may be coincidence but it's highly unlikely.
Even with the people I have established connections with, it takes a lot of effort.
I thought I got to know someone I might be able to open up to, but it turned out to just be a mirage at best, or it's a person who's actively trying to gaslight me because it's one of the people who has pegged me as something of disagreeable societal/biological beliefs. It may have been actively trying to make me lose my grip on reality. It may have been trying to hurt me as much as possible. Either that or it's just completely lacking of self awareness, no soul left in those who walk the left hand path.
Thought I might be able to use this mind of mine to optimize reality for the better somewhat, but lately I've gotten to thinking people deserve everything they get if this is how they act towards one another. I have no petty desire for revenge, people are plenty capable of producing a very efficient hell for themselves all on their own. No need to spend the effort.
Is it really that bad to offer a second perspective if one recognizes similar issues one has dealt with in some way?
The way I see it, the desire to share and get it out there is always at least fractionally a desire for change, for something to not be like it is. A small hope struggling.
If you truly wanted simply to continue with the sadness as you are, then why write about it? Or why write about it towards others rather than just in a diary?
When I carry darkness it always just feels weird and masturbatory to write about it the few times I tried.
But on the practical advice side, you don't need to make a whole new website just to fulfill your dream. You could just make a despair thread here in /hell/ where you specify in the OP that it's disallowed to offer a shoulder, differing perspective, or a helping hand.
You're not alone brother
Let's not give up
I broke up with my girlfriend yesterday morning. I’m 18 and her expectations were way different than mine, she had a whole life together planned out, but that scared me. It feels like I became an adult yesterday. I still know nothing. And it was long distance which added an extra burden. To make matters worse, we both have very different mental illnesses. At a certain point my health got worse and I knew the relationship couldn’t be healthy, so I called to break it off.
We had a difficult heart to heart but I came away from the conversation with the sense that things would be OK. She said “it was a good conversation, I’ll be rooting for you” but I knew we wouldn’t be friends anymore.
Today I got a message from her best friend online that she told him she’s going to commit suicide at 2AM tomorrow.
I called my parents in a panic, my dad sent her father an email. We were friends all throughout high school, but nobody knew we were dating. If you can even call it dating, honestly. All we did was hold hands so it didn’t feel like much to me. I really considered her a true friend. It was my mistake to accept the offer to start a romantic relationship. It’s on me.
The only contact we have is an email for one of her parents. My dad emailed them.
It’s the worst feeling. I have no control. Neither me nor her friend can change her mind about her ending her life. I have no idea how her parents will respond to my dad and if they will help her or accidentally drive her to something worse. I feel responsible even though I know logically that there are so many other things influencing her depression. But I was still the straw that broke the camel’s back. Should I have stayed in the relationship that fueled anxiety in me and wouldn’t have worked out so she wouldn’t have tried to kill herself? Was I being insensitive? She said she knew everything I told her before I said it, but she still carried on the relationship too. And it still hurt her. To me, “being someone’s happiness” felt like a responsibility I wasn’t ready for, not a romantic sentiment. Especially in the lens of it being so dire
I just wish she could be happy. Everyone keeps saying, “there’s nothing you can do.” I know that. But it doesn’t make it better.
I've been working all day on this. I am in so much pain. Ended up finding a suicide note on reddit. She wrote about me and her other ex a bit in there, for one second. She called us wonderful and called the breakup amicable. So at least that wasn't completely destroying her.
Some friends and I basically cyber stalked her family which felt extremely shitty, but we managed to find a phone number for her dad. I called it. Scariest thing I've ever done in my life.
Thank god, I think he understood.
We're not out of the woods yet but her family loves her and now they know that something is wrong.
We have a friend on standby that she's been talking to that will call the suicide prevention hotline if she expresses that she's going through with it.
I'm sorry for blogging all of this. Writing it is the only way I can think to comprehend it.
I hope I've done all I can.
The girl I have a crush on in class is way too caring and kind.
Already know the feelings are not in any way or form answered, admitted it pretty early and got turned way down.
She keeps being too inquisitive about my emotional life and I dunno how to turn down her attempts at connection without being harsh about it.
Like today, having a just sucky day in general, corpse mode essentially. To me totally normal, I'm "ok". I am used to this, have been at a functional level in this mode for multiple years (she just got to know me more alive at the beginning than my usual energy levels, me being freshly in love and all).
But she gets in my hair about it, asks if we can talk alone and stuff.
I tell it like it is, that it's not relevant how I feel. She doesnt grok, tries to argue against.
It might be relevant to me, it might feel relevant to her for some obscure reason, but it's not relevant between us.
Then she asks if I'm mad at her for something, which I can't even to begin with.
We have barely interacted at all for weeks, what could there be to be mad about?
Should I really have to spend the energy necessary to become a clown corpse putting on theatrics just so she doesnt "worry" about me or something like that? Some facade to put her at ease?
Today marks five years from the day I lost the love of my life. I wish I could say I'm doing better but I'm not.
Certainly there must be an imageboard that uses your language somewhere
I lost someone very dear to me some months ago and I CANT FUCKING BEAR WITH IT JUST KILL ME NOW
I really just want to be able to talk to people normally. Even when I see people discussing things that I not only like, but know well enough to have in depth conversations about I am terrified of talking or even joining in on general discussion. Even just saying "hey guys" seems like a monumental hill to climb.
Entirely self caused and perpetuating and it really hurts. I can't even do it on the internet where it's nigh on inconsequential and I don't know why.
Do you mean on the internet or in real life?
Why do you feel this way? That's an incredibly important question to ask yourself. Is it because you're afraid of people being assholes? Well, assholes exist everywhere, but they're the minority in the grand scheme of things. A few bad people don't define any and all future attempts at socialization (Although if you are in groups where people are assholes and/or complacent with it, then you should leave for your own good. Imageboards especially are guilty of this kind of crap and people even go after me when I stand up for others getting shit on for no reason).
Are you afraid of rejection? Well, its the same case as above too! It is hard work to find people you "flow" with, but the journey is worth it, and teaches you about yourself as well, which is arguably the most important part of it all.
You really just need to get out there and not be afraid of trying new things. Don't let cruel people get to you (and don't let them deceive you into thinking that you need "thicker skin" since its only ever said by assholes who want to deflect from their own shitty behavior (and usually can't take insults themselves)).