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 No.16204

Hi sushis. I hope it's okay that I post this, because I really like you guys and I mostly lurk around because I'm too braindead and mentally ill to post and not obsess over it. But anyways, I'm doing really terribly. I've dug myself into an awful pit and all I can do right now is bawl my eyes out and scratch myself, curl up into a ball, etc. because someone I became dependent on, and the only person that I can connect to, hasn't spoken to me in 2 weeks and I can only think of the worst case scenario.

I've been accusing them of awful things and starting to feel detached more and more and the only thing I can do is distract myself. Unfortunately my distractions have run out and now all I can do is call them constantly and spam them, to no avail. I'm so paranoid because almost each and every relationship I've had in the past has turned into a mess and often I get cheated on and hurt and it makes me want to die. I'm so afraid of it happening again, it feels like I'm always drawn towards people that want to hurt me. I don't know if this person does, but I'm so afraid they do. I'm so obsessive that I begin to look up their name in places and… fuck, I don't know. I'm so afraid. It's all going to happen again.

My life is complete garbage and it's all my fault. I have locked myself in my room and constantly get myself hurt because all I wanted to do was try to find a single person to depend on, some kind of fantasy. I want to leave the world with this person. I even think of suicide pacts often as stupid as that sounds, I feel like it would be much easier to do with a close friend than on your own.

I don't know if I've said all that I should have here and I feel really scatterbrained… I hope it makes sense. I'm really pathetic. I want to vomit.

https://youtu.be/FCpuJTB3jRw

 No.16205

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>>16204
It is okay sushi, it is natural to wish to cling to somebody or something in this scary world. However, the truth often is that when we cling in fear we often suffocate that which we love. Of course we don't know what in particular has happened but I pray you find your peace Temaki

 No.16209

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>>16205
>It is natural to wish to cling to somebody or something in this scary world.

It's the only thing I want. I so desperately just want for an angel to appear from the heavens and take me away from this place. I fantasize about leaving the earth and this disgusting physical prison all the time, so often I choose to live in my dreams rather than face reality. I constantly seek out this "ideal person" that will "save me", as if it is my only goal in life. All I do is rot and I want nothing more than someone to rot with.

>However, the truth often is that when we cling in fear we often suffocate that which we love.


Pretty much all that I've been able to do is suffocate people until they hate me. I suffocate them with love, with hate, with paranoia, with all of my extreme emotions I drown them out. And I can't help it, either. It's almost as if it's a robotic response now for me to feel afraid of people when I care for them enough. It's either I feel nothing, or I feel everything. Even being aware of it doesn't seem to help.

To give more context, whether it be my own paranoid ramblings or not, I think this person is just messing with me. In the end, I have nothing but myself. I seem to consistently be drawn to people who wish to hurt me. But something tells me it's just really me who is hurting myself.

Thank you for your kind words, sushi. It greatly helps to bring at least a little bit of light to the abyss I'm drowning in.

 No.16233

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>>16209
Your self-awareness is a good first step sushi. Perhaps looking inward to find how you developed these feelings could lead you to a healthier escape from your despair.

From my own past experience, some communities or sites are probably just not good places to find your emotional support. If you have any reason to think this person in question is somehow taking advantage of you try to find an escape elsewhere. If they're truly kind then they wont mind you getting some space so you can figure things out.

 No.16439

>>16233
good post sushi
>>16204>>16209
definitely agree that you've got a lot of self examination ahead, its a long road but it does help
you definitely need to try your best to not look at anything related to them, I had a breakup and was obsessing and checking everything I could.
I've only found diving deep into a project is the way out, since you are thinking about other things. I wouldnt recommend it but I had to get lower so i drunk and threw up a bunch and only once I did that did I finally get over the final hurdle. It only worked by me having other shit I wanted to do. I am however quite spite driven so it fuels my desire to succeed, that and when im particularly moody/focused do I listen to music a bit too loudly

 No.16440

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>>16204
Please have some respect for yourself. That's what I want to say, although I don't fully understand what you and the object of your obsession are.

Don't reach out to them who won't reach out to you. Maybe that's the right stance to adopt for this particular problem. Maybe that person was indeed cheating on you and intended to hurt you. Is this the worst-case scenario you've been thinking of? It may also be that your special person is arrested or dead, although it's more likely that the person in question simply has no will to talk to you or is afraid of reestablishing contact. If that is indeed the case and they master the strength to reply to you, then, please, be merciful and feel free to forgive them. Humans are rarely angels, if ever they are.

If you want yourself a distraction, then rather than locking yourself in a room, try going for a 20-kilometer walk. Walking will calm you down, and eating a fat, heavy meal right after that will make you feel nice and warm and will put you to sleep. If you have the opportunity, move out of your city to where everything is green and fine for a week, and don't touch your smartphone for any purpose other than checking where to go. Although, if it's hot outside, this may turn out to be torture, so decide for yourself.

 No.17033

>>16233
>>16439
>>16440

Thank you sushis for having given my blogpost the time of day.



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