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What’s the story on your first love sushi?


My first love NTRed me. Or so I would want to say, but, first of all, there had also been an early childhood friend girl who was my neighbor and whom I liked and who maybe also, in a similar way, liked me. Second of all is that, perhaps, for my first love that broke my heart I was more of a side affair than her actual love. So maybe it actually was her original lover who had been getting NTRed through all that time. Or maybe not. Her and me, we never shared a bed after all.

So here goes the story. Some of the top universities in my homeland have boarding schools for kids. During the summer, when the classes are over, the universities offer the summer education programs for various school students. These usually last a month and are open to those who pay the money and have the skills to pass the exam-based competition. Back when I was around 14, one of these summer school students was me. I was a sickly-looking youngling from a far away little town. A kid with little to no useful internet access. To give you an idea of how bad it was, Google would take a minute to open in worst cases. In some sense, you could say, I was sheltered, although the internet issues weren't the only cause in any way.

She was a tiny bit frail-looking pretty girl of my age with blue eyes, fair white skin and brown hair tied in a braid that fell onto her chest. It's not that there was nothing off about her appearance, but since I had fallen in love with her, she seemed to me the most beautiful person in the world. For if you truly love someone, it changes your perception of them. She had an air about her of a fair girl with calm character who's always serious about her studies and school stuff.

I don't remember how we first met, but the school would hold some semi-mandatory events and city tours, and maybe it was at one of these events that we started sharing the music we like, chatting about this and that, and going out with each other for walks while holding hands. Sometimes I also would stay in her room (her roommate usually was somewhere else). We would sit on her bed side-by-side and talk, and sometimes I even mastered enough courage to cowardly caress her thighs (that's when I found out that girls' thighs aren't perfectly smooth but actually feel quite hairy!) and maybe hug her, but nothing more than that. We didn't even kiss. In fact, my first kiss was stolen by a boy some 4 years later, but that's out of this story's scope.

Eventually I noticed that there was another boy whom she had been frequently talking with. At first, I felt quite angry at her, but then it turned out that this guy was her schoolmate from the town she had been living in and that they knew each other very well. I don't exactly remember the later events, but by the time the school session was about to end, I had already been heartbroken. It felt like a hole being put through your chest, although that kind of excruciating pain that I know very little of is likely an overstatement. So, I'd had some stupid silly hopes and dreams about her and, likewise, hadn't had the understanding of the situation, so when it all crumbled, it was bad.


She left me her phone number, but I somehow lost the note with it. It was a very peculiar kind of phone number, however, with either mostly 7s or 8s as well as some 0s in it. So as the pain and the longing hadn't been going anywhere, I decided to try to recall her number and write her an SMS. I received no response. I had never used social media before, but still tried searching for her account, which I successfully found, but the site said it was deleted.

Thus, some 4 months passed. I'd gotten successfully admitted to one of the universities' boarding schools. I still would often recall her, and sometimes I would feel as bad as I had back when the summer school was about to end. So, I decided to follow up with another SMS, just in case. And she replied! I felt so glad at that moment. It turned out that she'd thought that my first message had been sent to her by mistake. Or so she replied, asking me to install WhatsApp. She asked me what I think of her. We kind of complimented on each other's selves… But then she mentioned that guy's name and asked me what I thought about him. Oh my God, was I dense.

We chatted about various stuff, including politics as well as some /x/-related and religious questions, and that went on every day for about a week or maybe longer, I don't remember. Then one day she hadn't replied with anything, and I sent her some messages wondering as to why. Whether there were so many and they were so demanding as for me to come off as what they call a creepy annoying sperg, I don't exactly remember, but it might as well have been like that. In the next three days, she replied that she simply didn't want to, and I guess it was weird for me back then. Or maybe not.

Then, one day, she asked me whether I was in a certain part of the city. It was the district where my dormitory was in. I asked her how she knew that. She said that she could feel it. She told me that she was participating in a national physics competition (or was it a math one?) and that she was now in the same city and was accommodated somewhere in the same area. However, when I inquired about her location so that we could meet, she refused to tell me anything. What were her exact excuses for that, I'm unable to recall. Maybe she said that she didn't want to hurt me or leave me longing for her, but I don't know for sure. So, what happened is that I got angry at her and told her that she was lying. She seemed perplexed by my words, and still insisted that what she'd said was true. It was after this quarrel that we stopped texting to each other. The pain was still there, however.

Some other 5 months later, I discovered the imageboards and anime otaku culture. It's now, having written all this, that I realize how anime like Zero no Tsukaima or To:Love Ru might have played a role in moving me on from that unfortunate romance. But still, it wasn't until that year's fall that the pain was no more and I stopped recalling her image as I had used to.

You know, I felt very strange while writing this. Resurfacing these old memories made some weird feelings gush into my heart like a stream. Writing the part with the hand holding was especially embarrassing and hard for some reason. You know how some kids fuck when they are 12 or even 8? And here I am, an idiot, embarrassed of I don't know what even. The cowardly attempts to caress a girl's thighs? Had my current self been put in the same situation, would there be any difference in what I would've done? I guess that despite tons upon tons of hentai and pictures with cute girls, I'm still lost and blushing when it comes to the silliest real stuff.

Alas, since that time, there hasn't been a girl who would enthrall me like that. Perhaps, for a girl to enthrall you, there has to be love and contact for the love to thrive in. And although there have been pretty and very loveable girls along my way, with none had I gotten as close as with her, my first true love.

Can't find the right picture.


Came across her in the plaza. I was 16 and never had a gf. Went out on a date and as we took shelter from the rain I just asked he to be my gf. She kissed me and my first kiss was a bit uncomfortable because she was significantly shorter than me.
We never had secs, we almost did a couple times but it never happened.
A guy joined our friend group and fell for her. She never liked him but he stirred up enough chaos to cause us to break up.
Her family liked me quite a bit, she had like 5 brothers. Her mom was though af but so was mine so I was never much intimidated by that.
I kept visiting her after we were done, always hoping we could get back together. The family sort of adopted me, and her mother paid me to teach her and her sister English.
Her sister didn't like me before we broke up, but then we became friends, sort of. Funny, today I wonder how the sister is doing, I don't care so much about the one that was my gf.

Not very many came after her. And the same feeling never repeated. I'm glad, though, it was too painful.


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I wish I was a better man when it happened.
She really was one of a kind, if only I didn't believe so poorly of myself at the time.


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Loving for love in all the wrong places; that's my situation…..


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I don't think I've ever felt it. Since elementary school, I've always had explosive relationships with people and my friends would abandon me within a week or two. I tried fitting in with different crowds, like being a metalhead or a marvel nerd, but that didn't work either. The closest thing I had to a relationship with a girl was the last time I tried to befriend one in my final year of high school. We exchanged emails a couple times after I went to college and even met up once, I was desperate to keep in touch with someone from my hometown, but eventually she ghosted me. I was only looking for friendship but even that didn't work out. Its been 4 years since then and I've basically given up on befriending people nevermind falling in love. I don't feel the need for friends. They're more trouble than its worth. If I get the romantic itch I just read some manga or play dating sims. It sucks but that's just how things are.



I had a relationship with a girl in kindergarden. We didn't really know how these things worked, so it remained superficial. I wouldn't count that as real love, still my first experience with the subject. I remember one time I met up with her alone in a secluded area of the park our group would go to and we tried kissing, but at the time I felt repulsed by the sensation. Years later I met her again in school, but obviously we were strangers at that point.

In elementary school I had a relationship with another girl. At this point I really had feelings towards her. Whenever she was around I got really tense. One time I tried to give her chocolates for Christmas, but the packaging wouldn't fit her post box, so I abandoned the plan altogether. The relationship ended when my friends found out about it and started to push us towards each other in a circle. Kids can be so cruel. Anyways I gave her a kiss amidst the crowd which made her run off. She then avoided me until we parted ways.


Having already gone through that "voluntary isolation" for a good portion of my younger years I have only one piece of advice for anyone who plans to do the same:


You'll regret it immensely when you're older and it will be even harder to get into relationships in the first place. It may take some uncomfortable confrontations with yourself, realizing your passions, and effort to overcome the hurdles of anxiety you may have developed to this point, but the relationships you do make will make life much more fulfilling and meaningful. God made you a relational creature. By the nature of being a conscious being you need other beings you can relate to in some way. Relationships aren't one-size-fits-all and you'll need to figure out and struggle through a lot of this to find the relationships that work for you, but you'll find them with time. I'm not even talking about any romatic relationships here, just personal ones like friendships! It doesn't even have to be big to start, once you know one person and allow yourself to live outside a bubble you tend to meet other people through them and before you know it you have a small circle of friends as part of a larger community. You have passions, so start there with meetings or cons around that stuff and let yourself get out there! I know you've been hurt in the past, I was and let that be my excuse, but you're hurting yourself more by staying in your shell instead of allowing yourself to grow through it all and transform into a future you you can be proud to know! An unexamined life is not worth living, an isolated life is not worth having. Don't let the past dominate your present! Future you will thank present you, so start growing, start transforming, and live the rich life God intended for you! Even if you don't believe in any God(s), live a rich existentially fulfilling life anyways, do it for future you's sake!


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I know its a mistake. To live alone one must be an animal or a god. But I'm nearly 30 and it feels too late to start now. Theres huge developmental gap between me and most people my age. My social skills are virtually non-existent. I try to go outside more and talk to random people when I get the chance just to improve but my social awareness is pretty shit and isn't improving. I'm still pretty clueless and end up coming off as awkward or even creepy. Its demoralizing. I'm too used to communicating over the net. I have pretty niche interests and I guess I'll try to go to meet ups and cons once I learn to deal with crowds. Gotta get over this somehow.


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Going to cons is a wonderful idea. I can also recommend role-playing meet-ups.


sushi I am 30 and I feel the same way
I worry if I tried to talk to a girl at a con or tabletop thing I'd just come off as creepy


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Imagine all girls are just femboys, hehe.

I am sure if you talk to someone about the hobby you both share, you will not come across as creepy. One piece of advice I have is to hold off on discussing niche topics; it can make less knowledgeable people uncomfortable. Also, your appearance and scent are important when initiating a conversation with strangers.


I'll check it out sometime but like the other sushi said I'm afraid of coming off as creepy. Why are girls so hard to talk to? Even store assistants and waitresses are scary. It doesn't help that most of the relationship advice out there is incel tier garbage that feeds you even more negative thoughts and eats away at your self-esteem. Tomorrow I will go outside and ask random people for directions even though I don't need them just to practice.

I guess its mannerism too. Being awkward is cute and acceptable when your a kid or a teen but by your late 20s people judge you for it. I can't stop fumbling sentences, stuttering and just coming off as weird. Embarassing.


Do you think with experience you could improve?


Gotta try something


Whenever you ask yourself the question or make the statement that "it's too late" to start something, just remember that it's never too late to start unless you're dead! It's worth the effort and struggle, and it will be hard, but keep going because the moments you share and make will pay for themselves 777-fold!


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haha yeah…. about that…


That's hardest part. Today I saw a high school couple just hanging out, holding hands, doing dumb teen stuff and I realized I'm never going to experience that ever and you suddenly feel like a doomed failure regretting how you sabotaged yourself through self-isolation. Not nice.


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Oh, yeah. I know that feeling too well.


Time is our most precious resource, because its the only one we can't make more of.

You gotta love yourself. I know the feelings of regret and feeling behind and left out in life. But stagnating in regrets robs you of the future and memories you can be making in the present by obsessing over a past you can't change. "Lesson learned" is all that can really be said about it. It doesn't feel nice, it does hurt. But standing still hurts more. We're made to be social and dynamic, that can't be realized by being isolated and static. And it will take time, but as I've said it will be well worth it.

So my question to you is: what moments are you making right now? You're not dead yet, so you've got plenty of time to make the most of the time you have right now. "Carpe diem"



On love, relationships and "missing out"
While it is true that human beings generally desire connection and union, I believe that due to the constraints of this physical world, the pursuits and ends of relationships are often illusionary, imperfect and disappointing.
To begin with, romantic love is quite chaotic. Attraction is arbitrary and emotions fickle. This goes for both the male and female alike. An individual might be madly infatuated with another in one moment, and completely disinterested in the next, with seemingly no logical explanation. Attraction too is chaos. How often are we perplexed by someones choice of a mate? For example take a good natured and strong willed woman being drawn to a bully, or a honest, hardworking man being drawn to an abusive gold digger who walks all over them.
Not to be a pessimist, but this world is rife with disappointments.
To believe that God wishes for you to live a "rich life" is a greater mystery than any other. Children are getting blown to bits and dying of flesh eating disease but God is concerned with providing you, personally, with romantic or sexual fulfilment?

If bonds come your way, and you are in a position to reciprocate, go ahead and indulge, but be realistic. Chasing and being enchanted some ideal of romantic love is akin to fantasy, it's not wise. Similarly the "fear of missing out" is an illusion. The infinitely blissful, perfect experience cannot exist in an imperfect and temporal reality. At best such an experience might temporarily take you away to a world of transient ecstasy but at worst result in great mourning, regrets and suffering.


sackboy expression and your comment always makes me laugh


Read what I wrote again. I made no claims about romatic or sexual relationships, my focus was much higher than these pleasant but ephemeral ordeals (friendship and agape love were what I was focusing on). Relationships on earth are stained by sin, they’ll be imperfect, but those glimmers of light are the beauty God made in this world to enjoy and experience. I was and am saying that it’s natural to feel hurt by bad experiences, but that cutting off a part of yourself isn’t the answer. Healing takes time but it’s well worth it to heal and live well than to allow your past to own you. You will be glad for the memories you’d made. That’s all there is to what I’m saying:

I want you to know you can heal, that you can grow, and that you will transform like a butterfly
I want you to know that you don’t have to be alone, that you won’t be alone, and that you are not alone.

I wish and pray for God to give you and everyone I meet rich lives overflowing in blessings. That is what a blessing is. The fact that evil exists in this world or that things are imperfect does not discount the intent behind my blessings. There are lots of uncomfy things happening in the world I have no control over, neither do you. Why should that discount and silence goodwill where I can make a difference? Am I not allowed to give blessings, charity, and thanks because someone somewhere else is suffering worse than the person I’m addressing?

Let’s keep things comfy. I’ve been through similar situations and I’m still working through it, but I know there’s better if you allow yourself to try. God bless you.


based sushi


th-thank you sushi~


You know, I don't think "agape" and this more mystical and spiritual form of love is achieved by simply interacting with people. Historically the kind of people writing of experiences of "agape" and such mysticism were actually quite withdrawn from typical human relationships…

You're clearly putting just mingling with people and being social (in a conventional sense) on a pedestal by equating having friends and relationships with some spiritual experience. Admittedly great friendship can feel otherworldly, I'm sure we've all experienced it, but, realistically, chasing that feeling can only lead to disappointment. If such a thing comes to you, and you're open to it, sure you can have your "glimmer of light" but recognize it most likely came to you by chance, not some act of will and "self transformation".

I think I'm keeping things comfy. Throwing out lines like "An unexamined life is not worth living, an isolated life is not worth having. Don't let the past dominate your present! Future you will thank present you, so start growing, start transforming, and live the rich life God intended for you!" IS uncomfy however. You are making people who are perhaps incapable of helping themselves fall into FOMO.


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> I think I'm keeping things comfy
I don't think you are. But I do think that it is perfectly forgivable in the context of the discussion. I am somewhat closer to agreeing with your opponent, however.


I disagree with some of the theology here but thanks for the prayers sushi roll. We are imperfect but we're not stained by sin and why should we hold agape love higher than romantic or sexual relationships? Can't something be romantic/sexual and still deeply spiritual?

>Historically the kind of people writing of experiences of "agape" and such mysticism were actually quite withdrawn from typical human relationships…
Yes and no. It depends on your religious or spiritual tradition. Even Buddhist monks had romantic relationships. Total withdrawal from the world isn't a great idea. That leads to denying your humanity. Like Aristotle said to live alone one must be an animal or a god. Mystics isolate themselves from the world but only for a while. They know they have to come back.

Genuine love involves pain and suffering. Its bittersweet and it hurts. Without that we can't grow. Chaining yourself up to avoid the hurt that comes with human interaction is stunting yourself through lack of courage to face the world. God didn't put that heart in your chest so you'd never use it. Fear of pain is probably why so many people lock themselves away and we're validated by a culture that says its okay to run away from hurt or that weakness is a bad thing.


Human beings are universally soaked in sin, by proxy of living in a fallen reality. But if you don't want to think about it in a religious sense, it's clear to see how human nature is flawed and selfish from a natural point of view also. Whatever form of love is most detached from sex is most spiritual, and whatever is attached to sex is the least. That is because the existence of the act of sex is (metaphorically) the result following the biblical Fall. Or materialistically, following the Big Bang, the necessary mechanism of evolution which is predicated on chance and chaos rather than any God ordained teleology. Why do I believe this, is because life in this universe, governed by darwinistic, cruel and uncaring mechanisms, principalities and powers turn it into a clearly *negative* sum game.

I mean yeah there were many traditions of mystics but I'd argue the majority of mystics who reached out for deeper forms of love throughout history were celibate. That's not to say they were hermits, or avoided the world because they were resentful or something, they just knew the base rabble and animal passions weren't even worth engaging with. It's is funny you mention Aristotle because his mentor Plato personifies perfectly what I just wrote. As far as we're aware he never married, he was celibate instead was focused on more meaningful matters such as studying the world and teaching it.

"Genuine love", as far as I understand, doesn't even require another person. It's more like a contemplative act. Any relationship with another person, particularly romantic, will involve chaos. I don't think avoiding this is running away or something, but instead the result of posessing wisdom of human behaviour. If an individual can subdue their loneliness or romantic inclination or redirect them towards something else as far as I'm concerned they have reached enlightenment. Additionally, I don't think people are locking themselves away because we live in a "weak" culture but quite the opposite. Rampant individualism, which focuses on the power of the individual will, has lead to the exacerbation of the worst of human traits and behaviours. In such an environment, to still idealise romance one would need to be a proper fool.


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It seems to me that your god is death.


Hey! Sorry for not responding sooner, I got busy with life stuff. That 's one of the joys of slow boards though, they're at a comfy pace that doesn't replace life.

Agape can be mystical, it can be experienced in isolation or in community. I was just highlighting that love can be more than infatuation, a deep concern for the well-being of others and their betterment, an unconditional love - that's agape. I like to point to higher forms and get to the core of stuff. My emphasis was on the importance of relationship and community, and an encouragement to go out and seek it because even a little bit (like a circle of 2 friends) can change our life.

I'm not really trying to equate it to a spiritual experience. Maybe the way I phrased it came off that way, in which case I apologize. It is true that expecting friendships and relationships to be something they are not will lead to disappointment, but I'm not about that either. I've seen what it's like to be in nature, and I'm imploring you to go and see it for yourself instead of passing the chance while you're still alive to experience it. Life are people are beautiful if flawed, but it's worth it to go out and see it and experience it - it's a blessing.

I know there are things in our life that aren't in our control, but there are things that are in our control. We shouldn't limit ourselves with statements and beliefs about our inabilities and about where we are in life right now, and we shouldn't get lost chasing feelings and ideals that can be fickle. But we should be willing to pursue friendships and do what we can to grow in ourselves and realize our potential. Enjoy a feeling when it comes, like sunshine on a sunny day - and pursue relationships where they can be found, like hunting for a shiny gem. No one is "incapable", people are just at different points in their life. If you can lift 15lb that's worth celebrating, if you can lifht 150lb that's worth celebrating. I know that many people online are terrified of forming friendships and relationships because they are traumatized by bad experiences in their past and perhaps believe that its beyond their reach.

Comfyness is a bit subjective. I implore you to be the best version of yourself because I know that it makes life better. There's discomfort to going to the gym at first but in the long run you're healther and happier for it, and that warrants presenting that challenge. It's not about comparing ourselves to others or feeling bad with where we're at, but knowing that we can grow and things can get even better. No one is incapable, and it's unhelpful to feel FOMO about anything. But I know that life is made more when there's people to share it with and that we're all born to know and be known by others, so keep growing!

Friendships, relationships, community. It's worth it. That's all I'm really saying.

I wouldn't think of us as "opponents". I may disagree, but it's only because I'm hoping I can encourage them to choose a path I think will fill their life with sparks of joy.


> I know that many people online are terrified of forming friendships and relationships because they are traumatized by bad experiences in their past and perhaps believe that its beyond their reach.
But I know that everyone is capable of change, and that everyone can heal. It's better to have tried than to wonder about what life would have been like if you had.



> I disagree
To clarify I don't mean that everything sucks because it's "stained by sin" - certainly not that we're "soaked" in it. I mean that reality isn't at its best like a cracked mirror or a dilapidated house, and that sin is the influence that is "what does it". That's a theological belief though, so you're free to differ on that. I'm not here to force anyone to subscribe to my theology. I'm just here to encourage people to life a full life and to transform because I empathize with where they're at (because I used to be there).

> Genuine love involves pain and suffering. Its bittersweet and it hurts. Without that we can't grow. Chaining yourself up to avoid the hurt that comes with human interaction is stunting yourself through lack of courage to face the world. God didn't put that heart in your chest so you'd never use it. Fear of pain is probably why so many people lock themselves away and we're validated by a culture that says its okay to run away from hurt or that weakness is a bad thing.

You got it! We're all born to grow, we can't life our lives in the same state forever. Life can hurt sometimes, being vulnerable is scary, but it's all worth it. I've never met a person on their death bed who regretted spending time with their family, friends, lovers, etc. Living a life of isolation as a conscious being is like living a flightless life as a bird.

They're certainly limiting themselves like I used to. Feels like watching a goose that tries to justify why it doesn't want to fly, perhaps because they're afraid they may fall.

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