/lounge/ - sushi social

only thing keeping me going is that i don't know what will happen everyday, i've experienced so much that just came out of the blue, like job opportunities or things to do with love, smaller things like a friend wanting to pick me up and hang out that day.
i struggle with suicidal ideation daily and when i feel horrible for a moment i just think that it could probably be different in an hour. maybe the person i love will call, maybe i get some good news, literally anything could happen. my dad brought home my beloved cat with no warning on a regular afternoon two years ago. so much happens that you're not prepared for and you can look at that in a nihilistic way or you can think about the good possibilities everyday.
i'm not at a stage in life where i can get much excited about the distant future, but the small things like the next day, the next week even, that's what keeps me going at my worst

The knowledge that I can be better.

I look back five years, and I see how much more awful of a person I was. I look back ten years, and far worse. Then I look at who I am now, and… I'm still not the person I want to be. But I have changed for the better. In those ten years, life has not gotten any better, and in fact it has become a thousand times worse. But even under the pressure of life, I got closer to the person I want to be.

Life isn't going to get better. The world isn't going to get better, my health isn't going to get better, my job isn't going to get better, and nothing will change. But if I stay conscious and keep striving to be the best me that I can be, then I will improve. It will be slow, and it will take a long time, probably my entire life. But every day lived as a better person is a day worth living in my opinion.

I could care less about what happens around me or to me. If I'm the person I want to be, then I'm alright.

>>14885
Picrel keeps me going everyday

Someday I will find my own fauna who will love me for who I am