/hell/ - internet death cult

What happened?

>>4581
Nothing that wasn't my doing. Or mostly my doing. Or partly my doing…?

I decided I did not fit in with my gf, or my city's friends. I had no feelings for her, nor was truly comfortable with them. I thought I was socially safe, having said circle back home, but it was one sided relationship as it turned out. My best friend (part of home circle) simply cut the contact with me. He stopped replying, after he did not make it to the plans we had. I never got explanation. We joked that since it was concert of our mutual favorite artist, that night will truly establish our friendship. Since we lived at different cities, it was hard to really call it that. I knew him for seven years, and it all vanished just like that. Just after I have cut ties with the rest.

It has been half a year without another's touch. Some time ago I met my coworkers in the office (full time remotely working), the bus ride was nightmare, and I was on the verge of puking. That was the only social event I attended in the last five months. I wanted to share a rough draft of a script I wrote to help them with their work, and it got laughed out. Even by people that used it. Before that I tried to befriend my coworkers, and was happy to see them, but that really hurted. I have become so cold, and spiteful. What was the reason to even try? To go out, face my anxieties? Today I declined third invitation from them, and they will never know why. I keep isolating myself further.

I am to blame for being so soft..

>>4582
If I lose this job I will kill myself, consumerism barely keeps me afloat. But it is so hard for me to focus, care, or try.

I need a hug, but there is nobody.

>>4580
Could it be that your friend got himself arrested or killed himself?
Sometimes there is this sort of reason to why people disappear.

>>4584
Well, he struggled with drugs, at times it was heavy. But he's a mate, you know, so what can you do?

I feel like I know the steps to regain control, but what's weird are those attacks. Not sure how they started, but they crippled my will to go outside.

At least my plants are living their best life.. I need to get it together.

Disregard everything I said here. Just had a wank, and now I am at peace.

>>4586
Update - I identified wanking as one of the causes of my demise. I am a lifetime porn addict.

>>4602
this is not the cause of your demise lmao
me and my gf literally spend entire days jacking off together and we still manage to get up and plan huge events together when we're done (or between wanks)

it sounds like the problem youre actually having is youre looking at websites that tell you things like "jacking off is bad for you" and you believe them. You're basically believing evangelical psy-ops.

You've developed social anxiety. Seek therapy and/or make steps to find what you truly love in life and chase it. sexual desire is the most normal and healthy instinct any human can have, i PROMISE you that it is not ruining your life.

>>4651
>youre looking at websites that tell you things like "jacking off is bad for you" and you believe them.
Truer words have never been spoken. Wanking may have consequences in proportion to frequency, but this whole psyops is just bushit.

>>4652
>>4651
On the other end, being addicted to anything can absolutely fuck with your mood in your day to day life. I won't say anything regarding if you somehow managed to fit it in healthily, but if you feel it is bringing you down, it probably is in a way that is much easier to fix by just kicking it.

I managed and it really did improve my mood a lot. I think it is like cigarettes more than anything. It is an unhealthy habit/vice, but there are people that can keep it set at a certain level without overindulging, and if you can't do that by default you aren't getting there. I think it's very rude to write it all off as "psyop" when it's obviously eating away at sushi roll.

>>4652
Now I WILL say that porn addiction can have other bad consequences, so if you can, try to wank without porn sometimes. Jacking off without porn is good for you, your ancestors have been doing it for thousands of years.

But generally I do agree that "porn addiction" is one of those things that self help gurus push to cover up the fact that people need professional mental help and it's extremely difficult to get. So they push the blame on you with a fake addiction. And let's even not get into the religious side of the argument…

>all this talk about wank/porn addiction
While this is all valid, I gotta say that much of itis not even porn addiction per se, but screen addiction. For some reason, people never seem to address the fact that screen addiction is as pernicious and at large a more pervasive problem than addiction to porn, and in many cases, it's underlying condition.

>>4653
>>4653
>I think it's very rude to write it all off as "psyop" when it's obviously eating away at sushi roll.
It's not rude because it likely is some form of social conditioning. Having sexual desires is incredibly normal and is healthy. What makes jacking off unhealthy is when people constantly surround you telling you you're a failure and gross for doing it, which causes someone to feel guilt for doing something totally natural.

We can even compare this to other aspects of humanity too. There is an obscene amount of women who feel shame in exposing their hairy legs or unshaved pits. They feel this shame because society constantly tells them that having this hair is lazy, poor hygiene, unattractive, etc etc while the reality is this is a completely normal and natural thing that people are made to feel bad for because society has simply decided it is bad.


For thousands of years humanity has made completely normal and healthy things into things that bring us shame and guilt.

So yes, someone could remove this guilt and shame by giving in to social conditioning and ceasing the behavior; but at what cost? The loss of independent autonomy? the false belief that control tactics are correct? perpetuation of religious oppression?
Nah. That's not worth it. It may not be easier, but it is objectively healthier to address the reasons these things make you unhealthy so that you can live your life without guilt in the future.

you will NEVER be able to will away your sexual desire. Choosing to simply adhere to archaic religious doctrine will only cause you to feel guilt for completely normal and healthy feelings, even when you dont act on them. On the other hand, you could learn the source of your guilt, recognize it as a psyop of thousands of years and empower yourself to feel normal about normal human feelings.

>>4657
Society demands conformance in public, social spaces, but that doesn't (shouldn't!) extend into the private lives of people. I think people have trouble appreciating this duality these days.
In other words, if you're not whacking it on the train or something like that there's no need to pile on extra negativity. Even if it might look like it because you only have an external view into past societies, I don't think anyone ever demanded more than that. Public morals don't belong in the private space.

>>4657
You just equated sexual desire with porn itself, they are very differen5 things. My post is considering only porn as a vice. Everyone masturbates and everyone feels desire for other humans. I agree that denying that in yourself is folly (it is also what porn is aimed at, so I get the confusion). But I also think that allowing yourself to continue being addicted to vices when you feel they are making you miserable is folly, regardless of what they are.

>>4659
The discussion started with masturbation, and at that point, porn hadn't even entered the conversation.
>>4658 is actually relevant here. Masturbation becomes a problem when you start doing it when you really shouldn't, like in the train or whatever. But there is a huge movement right now trying to convince you that it is generally bad for you.

>>4660
No, the very first post calling it an issue is about porn:
>>4602
I agree that the total anti masturbation/anti sex movement is flat out wrong and ill advised. I think masturbation without visual aid is actually healthy, and it is rather difficult to do that to the level where it really impedes your life. If anything it is much more similar to actual sex in my personal experience.

Being addicted to porn is still a real thing aside from this. I said it before, it is probably possible to keep it at some kind of reasonable level, but if you find it is eating away at you you probably would feel much better if you just kicked it.

To reply to the posts above - yes, I meant purely porn as the problem.

Turns out my friend was heavily reliant on drugs at the time. I talked to him in person and decided it is not good to keep him in my life. He is currently in rehab.

I am mentally and physically at my lowest. It seems like I just cannot enjoy life.. cannot find love.. cannot even go outside. And while me being a shutin is relatively a new experience, the other two is something I have been struggling with for as long as I remember.

There are still some people that care about me, but I just don't want anybody to see me like this. I can only turn them down.

>>4979
>I can only turn them down.
If they really care about you, they will be glad to have you explain yourself to them and ask for help or advice.
Being asked for help from a friend feels good, because it signals trust in your experience and exposes their vulnerabilities. Don't hesitate to reach out!

I seem to have toned down my porn usage to the point that it does not affect my mental state. Of course, I have been on the drug long enough to wire my brain towards enjoying certain disgusting content, but that is slowly fading back to normal. Porn addiction, while a big problem, was just one of many.

I still have no one to talk to in real life. I can drown out the loneliness by begging for attention on the Internet, but that is pathetic. Yesterday, I turned off all the devices, and the silence was overwhelming. Maybe if I were not that goddamn ugly, I would just go outside, but right now, every look towards me would crush me.

I am full of spite and regrets and its only right that people would leave me. I have never cared for anyone, and people near me were just devices to temporarily fight off being alone. I thought I faked compassion well, but yeah. It was always like this. I cannot be genuinely happy for anyone. I wish everyone the worst and for them to join my misery.

>>5026
I can't believe I have written this only two weeks ago. All of this was and remains true, but sometimes it does not concern me as much. Sometimes it makes me suicidal. It is weird how my mental wellbeing fluctuates.