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/culture/ - arts & literature

"Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor." - Alexis Carrel
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 No.832

hello.

when I was a young child, I loved youtube. I subscribed to many channels. Most were comedy, some were news. smosh, fred, a lot of the big guys. some more esoteric people who I can't entirely remember, like this woman who sat at her desk and worked for a media company as a youtuber. eventually the company shut her channel down.

I stumbled upon one creator who I remember a great deal. her name was allofthetrash. I enjoyed her bizzare, low-res letsplays of unheard of cartridge games from the 70s and 80s. at some point I stopped watching the videos, and she eventually deleted her channel.

I still look for those videos, but have yet to find any.

as I grew older, I would find my way into internet communities. a chatroom in kingdom of loathing. the official forum for a web-based video game about forum trolls.

my favorite was the /r9k/ room in a mouse-themed multiplayer platforming game. edbye, oldliquids. lexie. funny people and a funny game.

but I always ended up getting banned or exiled from these communities. always eschewed. this pattern held strong through my teens. I don't think I was in control. It was autonomous.

I didn't go to high school. I went to community college. I had friends, and that let me think I was socially well-adjusted. But eventually I would use extreme political views would as a way of pushing them away.

at 20, I begin to attend a real university. one of my first nights there, I end up in a room full of freshmen. I think that maybe I am making friends, but retrospectively, I was a weird gay neckbeard. one mentions he's going to make pancakes in the morning and everyone in the room is invited. I give my number to him and I never hear from him again.

I do make some friends. what's worse, I begin to mean things to people and I don't even catch it. I assume I am unlovable, that people don't pay me much mind. This has an effect on my behavior. I am not mindful of my behavior because I assume no one thinks about me.

This isn't true.

I rush a fraternity, and get a bid. I am a pledge. I'm dropped two weeks later.

I move to another city and transfer to a different university. I rush the local chapter of the same fraternity. This time, I make it in.

I am happier, but I still don't understand that people actually want to get close to me. I do not let them in, because I am afraid to do so, and I assume they don't care anyway.

I fall in love. kind of. I'm hooking up with a guy in my fraternity. It is a bad idea. I develop romantic attachments to him, and I see this as a reason that we have to stop. because I assume he doesn't reciprocate them. but he does.

It was still a mistake. our relationship transitions from friends to something beyond friends. but we are never a thing. never official.

I search for allofthetrash. She's gone. She had a much wider body of work than I was ever aware of. I post on reddit looking for her. she sends me a message and tells me she is trying to stay gone. I delete my posts.


he says he loves me.

he wants to take me to a rave. He loves raves. I am very poor, and I get no help from my parents. he helps pay for the expenses for a new year's rave. days before the rave, I travel to his family home. he picks me up from the train stop and takes me to an outdoor mall. he holds my hand. kisses me, and he looks very happy with himself for doing so.

I enjoyed the rave.

A few months later, I push him away. I cannot handle my feelings, and I am constantly plagued with feelings of inadequacy.

Things get messy. He pulls me back in, and then he pushes me away. Things get messy.

 No.834

>>832

things explode. I cannot handle rejection, and when I begin to handle it, he gets angry at me. He asks for space, and he screams at me when I give him space. Which pulls me back in, only he doesn't want me back. In Israel, I cannot handle interacting with him and ask him for space. he screams at me for this.

things get worse.

I sabotage my friendships. I leave the fraternity. many of my brothers no longer speak to me, no longer see me as a friend.

a year and a half later, I am 25. I feel that only now am I consciously aware of these patterns. I feel more in control, but I regret everything it took to get me here.

I blame my parents. They were abusive. They were immature. They neglected me.

I've found a youtube video. It was uploaded jun 6th 2020 and it has 370 views. Two of those are mine.

In the comment section, singinglawnchair writes that allofthetrash has killed herself.

.

.

.

.

.

I will not hurt myself in the same way. but for years I wanted to, and for years I tried.

I still have extreme political views. they are different from before but still very 'out there'

they have pushed people away

how many people have I ran away from? how many connections have I missed?

I have only been awake for a few months. I am scared that I am not really awake, and that I am still caught in patterns more grand and more insidious.

allofthetrash said in one of her videos that "turds make girls hop."

once, we were in his bed. watching an episode of keeping up with the kardashians.

I used to be a very negative person. always seeing the worst in things.

I rant about how awful the kardashians are. now I realize that I should have just enjoyed having my arms around him.

 No.835

>>834

am I a woman
am I a woman

am I woman?

I don't think so
but sometimes I
worry I am

I am worried about being a woman

women aren't bad
I respect women

but I don't want to be a woman
or I should say

I don't want to have to become a woman.

It is hard to become a woman when you are a man. especially a man like me.

he once called me a hairy boy. It made me happy.

but sometimes I feel outside man. like I am observing man. performing man.

I do not think I am a woman

 No.836

>>835

I take seroquel. I just took it. 100 milligrams

quetiapine

I take it because I have bipolar type II which isn't so interesting anymore but I also have borderline personality disorder

it is speculated that these two conditions are related and exist on a spectrum

who cares

who

cares

who fucking cares

these aren't fun quirks these are serious issues that you should handle on your own and keep to yourself

it's embarrassing

you're the most socially inept person I know

 No.837

File: 1600933536199.gif (10.47 KB, 565x213, cohomology.gif)

>>836

I am still very poor but not as poor. I go to raves many times a year and I go out dancing at EDM clubs in the city.

my favorites are house, trance, and techno. I inherited these tastes from the people who took me to my first rave, although I think I always enjoyed that kind of music.

I think I am always observing. I am always outside of myself. how do I walk? how do I interact with people?

my body. It needs work. It always needs work.

I am always outside of myself, until I am alone. I am only real when I am alone.

when I am with other people, I am vacuous.

category theory seeks to do away with needless details. the category theorist cares less about specific instances of a class of object, and more about the classes themselves. or rather

they care more about the transformations between those classes

the object isn't substantiated until it exists in relation to something else

 No.838

>>837

this is the 838th post on this board

which I found when looking for allofthetrash

or rather a confirmation of her passing

I am worried it is in poor taste to discuss her death in this capacity

on this board

in a public manner

is
it
wrong
is
it
gauche

once, I meant to type gouache, which is a sort of paint sort of like watercolor

but I typed gauche instead

I hope the literary journals like it

 No.839

>>838

mourning. sheva

you only sit sheva for people in your immediate family

instead I will post for seven days

and because I am not a liar

because I have sworn to never lie

(in return for gifts and consequences)

I will post for seven days.

I want a book about allofthetrash
I want to know her history and the history of her communities

I want a class about allofthetrash

I want a bachelor of art degree on allofthetrash

low res letsplays of unheard of magnavox games

she said there is a big problem of visibility of nothing

show me her work

someone on this fucking website show me the things she did

cartoons. music

someone find me those fucking letsplays

 No.840

>>832
>I post on reddit looking for her. she sends me a message and tells me she is trying to stay gone. I delete my posts.
>>834
>In the comment section, singinglawnchair writes that allofthetrash has killed herself.

Hmmmmmm…..

 No.841

File: 1600971253009.jpg (1.03 MB, 1184x1600, georg-cantor.jpg)

Modern mathematics sends men mad.

 No.842

>>841

a lot of us are jewish

you're not supposed to study kabbalah until you're 35

any sooner and you'll go crazy

but I think we found kabbalah elsewhere

in cohomology

I've studied her foundations

algebra, topology, homology

my mind has already left me

do I lean in to that? or do I escape now. my last opportunity

my bedsheets are magenta. comforter gray

black desk

 No.843

>>842

the diagram commutes the diagram commutes the diagram commutes the diagram commutes the diagram commutes the diagram commutes the diagram commutes the diagram commutes the diagram commutes the diagram commutes the diagram commutes



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