things explode. I cannot handle rejection, and when I begin to handle it, he gets angry at me. He asks for space, and he screams at me when I give him space. Which pulls me back in, only he doesn't want me back. In Israel, I cannot handle interacting with him and ask him for space. he screams at me for this.
things get worse.
I sabotage my friendships. I leave the fraternity. many of my brothers no longer speak to me, no longer see me as a friend.
a year and a half later, I am 25. I feel that only now am I consciously aware of these patterns. I feel more in control, but I regret everything it took to get me here.
I blame my parents. They were abusive. They were immature. They neglected me.
I've found a youtube video. It was uploaded jun 6th 2020 and it has 370 views. Two of those are mine.
In the comment section, singinglawnchair writes that allofthetrash has killed herself.
I will not hurt myself in the same way. but for years I wanted to, and for years I tried.
I still have extreme political views. they are different from before but still very 'out there'
they have pushed people away
how many people have I ran away from? how many connections have I missed?
I have only been awake for a few months. I am scared that I am not really awake, and that I am still caught in patterns more grand and more insidious.
allofthetrash said in one of her videos that "turds make girls hop."
once, we were in his bed. watching an episode of keeping up with the kardashians.
I used to be a very negative person. always seeing the worst in things.
I rant about how awful the kardashians are. now I realize that I should have just enjoyed having my arms around him.